A wise man once said "I don't know, ask a woman!"

so, this will be my last post before I leave. Gol I feel so...I dunno, excited, nervous, hungry and freakishly tired. Not to mention a little apprehensive. There's a little voice in the back of my head telling me not to go, just stay here and be bored and go to rehersal, don't do anything different.

Course then I've always been slightly weird.

Ooh, my chapstick is making my chapped lips tingle. It's a good tingle though, don't you guys all worry and think I'm burning my lips off. What would people look like without lips? I guess you could just look at certain people like Kenneth Branaugh who have FREAKISHLY skinny lips - a.k.a. chicken lips, not to be confused with chicken legs - and get the idea from them.

You know, I think chickens get a bum wrap. I mean seriously! Chicken lips, chicken legs. Those guys do a lot for us though. They...um...give us feather pillows and stuff like that. And hey, who hasn't enjoyed a good chicken breast sometime in their life eh? eh? Come on, everybody loves chicken!

So I'm waking up in like, two hours to go to Portland where I will endure four days of intensive music camp and probably be stuck around prissy music people. Ugh. I'm going to burst into tears sometime during this trip, I know it. Lack of sleep mixed with some wacked out hormones and decreased appetite...apetite...appettite...apettite...okay, you know what I mean, anyway when you mix that with the other stuff I listed you get a girl on the edge. heh...donkey on the edge...heh...

Okay, I officially need sleep.

So adieu, adieu my dear friends! I shall see you at a later date when I shall return triumphantly from my globe trotting with four tapes of me blabbering and 12 - yes, 12 - rolls of film. I shall then invite you all over and possibly make you wild with envy or just make you want to kill me as I sit there reminiscing and make you listen to all seven hours of my tapes. Which - if it anything like the video tape from New York, will make zero sense and won't even be remotely funny if you weren't there. Well, that's a lie. People who weren't there got a kick out of the whole Jennifer-and-me-falling-off-the-bed-onto-eachother thing. But that was just a feat of amazing real life sitcom-ness.

Alright, i'm SERIOUSLY leaving now, as I think my dad has sworn not to go to bed until I do. Which is insane, he actually has to help my mom drive tomorrow, while I just get to sit in a classroom learning music all day. So I'll see you guys later, and I'll miss you TONS! I feel bad cuz I never told some of you good-bye. Course it's not like I'm leaving forever, but three weeks, COME ON. In teenager world that's like, four years!

OKAY I'M GETTING OFF! OFFICIALLY! THIS IS MY LAST BLOG AS A NON-INTERNATIONAL TRAVELER! ooh, that has a nice ring to it! Jillian Wheeler - International Traveler.

Toodles everyone! I'm off to see the world! And, if i get a chance to use a computer, I'll so blog.

-Jillian

p.s. Dan, don't forget to send me those pictures!

heh...heh...heh...

I dedicate the drivers ed section in this teen girls squad episode to Coop. So there you go Coop, knock yourself out.
-Jillian
http://homestarrunner.com/tgs9.html

"It's nice to have variety in pizza" - Josef Mielke

The Untitled Work

-by Daniel and Jillian

Once upon a time there was a beautiful, happy, wonderful girl named Jillian. And she had 3 beautiful happy wnderful children named Sam, Rebekah, and Steven. Now Jillian lives in Maryland and drives a BMW - or a big mormon wagon - and lives in a one million dollar home and her husband is a nuclear physist. He was incredibly attractive, having decided to stop being an underwear model to pursue physics and his love for humanitarian work with the less fortunate. But then he went to Africa to help the poor 3rd world country people and he got monkey pox and died. So Jillian was then henceforth sad that her husband died, so she decided to remarry. Her new husband was thus kidnapped by the North Koreans and carried off into bondage.

Poor Jillian had horrible luck with husbands and so decided to go find her poor kidnapped 2nd husband and leave her ugly children home by themselves as she risked her own life for her husband who was equally attractive as her first one, except the 2nd one was named Yohani McCfergeson.

How exciting!

And thus Jillian was carried off into bondage also, by the North Koreans and eventually became their dictator. President Daniel Harris of the United States of America invaded North Korea and unified Korea for the first time in 60 years.

But Jillian got away, snuck into the White House with her super mad spy skills, brainwashed Daniel with her amazing beauty and feminine whiles and controlled him, thus gaining control of North Korea and the U.S. The American people wanted their president back, so doctors restored his memory with top secret military technology. Jillian was thus bound and cast into a high secruity prison on the planet Venus. Which she took over and planned her conquest of all Earth.

The Kremin time shift appears in orbit of Venus and erases Venus from temporal timeline - and Jillian along with it. Thus making the world a sad, lonely place where no one is happy and Daniel who used to be a good president of the U.S. became the mean, evil, oppresive dictator of all the galaxy. And thus we see without wonderful, pretty woman such as Jillian the world would be a horrible place.

THE END

You know how it is Mr. Fox, you're out clubbing one night, looking for kicks, and people start passing around the weaponized hallucinogens...

Alright, this is going to be a quick one, since we have to leave and pick up Beckah for Youth Conference in like, eight minutes. Luckily though I stayed up till two last night packing so I don't have to worry about getting that done right now.

Okay, so I didn't stay up till two packing. I sort of got totally and completely sidetracked by my E.F.Y. scrapbook which is officially done. It's so cool though! I think this means I'm "offically" a mormon or something, having completed my first scrapbook. It was so much fun to do! You're all going to have to stop by and look at it sometime.

But it was fun staying up. I watched Emperors New Groove, Monsters Inc., Lion King 1 1/2 (sorry Maegan, you couldn't finish it), and I will Go and Do, which is always awesome. Anyhoo, between packing, scrapbooking, baking a cake for Devin that we HOPE doesn't poison him, or at least tastes alright, watching movies, and dancing crazily to loud music I enjoyed myself last night.

Oh, mom just called Beckah to tell her we were on our way. See you guys later!

-Jillian

p.s. Dan, if you're not going to post the story I need my notebook back!! Actually, on second thought, I need my notebook back anyway! It's got my church notes in it!

p.p.s. I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOUTH CONFERENCE!!!!

You have the healthy glow that bespeaks meticulous care and grooming

Alright, that's the last time I use that quote I swear. Okay, so maybe I don't swear on it, I know it'll come out sometime, just like I'm still yelling "airplane!!" every now and then. And not to mention the whole "can I get a whoot, whoot?" Ah, way too many memories, and I can't wait to get my pictures of them. Anyway, E.F.Y. was a total blast as all of you know, and you've all probably heard all the really cool things that happened there (a.k.a. the Frat party, the girl getting called up during the fireside, What Heaven Sees in You, etc.) and if you haven't I'll probably tell you about it within the next week. Gol, I miss being there. Yesterday Daniel and I (wow, good job Jillian, way to use proper grammar!) snuck off after the fireside with Cooper tagging along and we just sat at our company spots for a while. It was depressing but wonderful at the same time.

Speaking of the fireside, it was totally awesome! I still find it slightly ironic that we traveled three hours for an hour and a half fireside, but it was worth it. And contrary to popular belief - or at least the belief of my mother - on the way back if I had my choice I wouldn't be sandwiched between two teenage boys who were giving off a freakish amount of body heat. Besides that, Daniel kept on waking me up. We talked about some interesting stuff though.

Anyway, I've made a new resolution. My summer resolution if you will. I've decided I'm going to let people know how much I care about and appreciate them, because I usually don't. I mean, Maegan and I talk about it a lot, but we never seem to communicate it to the people we talk about, and I really want to now. So if I come up to you and say something weird about me liking you or something, don't freak, it's me being "E.F.Y.-ed" because we talked about gratitude a lot.

Hm...what else is there to talk about? Not much. I leave for Europe a week from Thursday and we have to have a Star Wars party, go see Batman, and hang out a lot more before I leave for twenty days. Ohmigosh, I'm so excited but I'm freaked out too. It's going to be so different than what I'm used to. I'm used to E.F.Y. where everyone's all spiritual and modest and kind and I'm going to a choir where they're all usually bitter and competitive and worldly. Freaky.

Oh, but Youth Conference is coming up! HURRAH FOR YOUTH CONFERENCE!

But I should get off. I have to go help my mom teach the dances to the wee-wats that are auditioning for Annie.

Speaking of, I really want to do "Joseph". I may try and talk my dad into letting me audition. But that's besides the point.

-Jillian

"What's that? Is it like spooning?" - the one and only Derek Cooper

Hello world! I'm too awake to go to sleep right now, even though i'm going to wake up in like, four hours to take the ACT, but we just went to the drive-in and that always wires me for at least an hour. I suppose if I laid in bed for a while I would probably doze off eventually, but where's the fun in that? Conking out the minute your head touches the pillow is much nicer.

I've decided I love my life. Seriously, it's totally awesome. I had one of those moments tonight when you look around at the people you're with and think about your family and other people you know and you're like "wow...these are some amazing people, what on earth did I ever do to deserve this company?" and you just smile and feel grateful that someone up there bribed Heavenly Father enough to give you friends like these.

I really should get off, but there's this happy/content bubble inside that won't let me go to sleep. I'll probably just read my scripture instead, which is better than writing in my blog anyway.

And Daniel, I forgot to tell you: "parting was such sweet sorrow!"

Night All!!

-Jillian

There's a very small percentile that enjoys a dancing gentile

21 Days until I leave for Portland, 24 until London!!! AAAAAH! AND I HAVE EFY NEXT WEEK!!! COULD THIS GET ANY BETTER!!
-Jillian

Behold, I am man, the pointy top of the food chain! Gaze in wonder upon my opposable thumb!

I love the smell of campfire. I just got back from Mollie's and we were roasting marshmellow's...mmm...yummy...

Anyhoo, I've come to the conclusion that life is weird. I just hope the lady at the Hilton was wrong when she said it doesn't get easier, cuz that would royally suck if she was right.

I love church and mutual. It's so funny, because we always gripe about going (at least mutual sometimes) but when I'm there I never want to leave, even if we're just doing something silly like playing volleyball. It doesn't matter who you are or what you think of other people or your political beliefs, when you're there it's just peaceful.

I really like people. Like, seriously. There are maybe two people in this whole wide world that really REALLY bug me. Now, granted, even the coolest people bug me every once in a blue moon, but there are seriously few people who annoy me to the point I don't like hanging around with them. And I don't get how poeple can be so against someone, which is probably why I play "devils-advocate" when people talking about hating other people. That and I'm contradictory.

I'm so glad Junior year is over. Seriously, it's be purdy darn sucky. Now granted there have been a few good parts, but mostly...blah. Here's a brief overview:
Greatest let-down: Choir
Best surprise: My family and Maegan
Best Memory: The Random Racoon Squad's first night out
Worst Memory: Crying during Oklahoma - or just Oklahoma in general
Biggest Regret: Steven Baxter
Moment I wish to change: saying good-bye to Devin
Moment I would never change: Picking Raage up over my shoulder
Biggest Frustration: myself
Song that would describe my Junior year: Pressure by Billy Joel

I miss Jennifer.

It's not like I would give up this year though. Ohmigosh, it's sucked but honestly, besides that I wrote up there, I wouldn't change a thing. I've learned so much, and not just from school, if you get my meaning!

It's funny, cuz there are so many people that think I'm stupid and immature. I just laugh at them, because what I said to Mr. Sebastyn isn't that far off. I do have a certain amount of maturity to get through my life. It's just that most people aren't worth my maturity. I'm mature when I need to be. If something needs to get done, if a problem comes up that I need to solve, or if someone needs to talk about something I'll definitly be mature.

But anyway, it really agravates me when someone is a confessie (meaning someone confessed to) and then they turn around and talk about the confessor. It's like "if someone trusts you enough to talk to you, you should at least TRY and live up to that trust." I guess it's that same feeling that prohibits me from ever telling other people who my friends like. I think the biggest insult I could recieve is not being trusthworthy, at least in the way of telling other people things.

Now granted, I have no idea where that came from...except it's one of the things i've learned this year. And ew, I just had the nastiest tasting burger belch. Just fyi.

26 days until I leave for Portland and 29 until I leave for Europe. WOOHOO!!

Michael Jackson is scary looking. How can anyone say he isn't freaky?

Okay, tell me how this works. Steven never met Jennifer, and yet he still managed to call me Jen. I can get Raage calling me Jennifer cuz I do act like her sometimes and he worked with her for, what, five months? But a guy who doesn't know her? Weird.

Ew, I have marshmellow gunk in my hair. I bent over after we were roasting the marshmellows and my hair got stuck in the left-over gunk on my stick. It was fairly disgusting. All the girls there were like "ew! disgusting!"

Ope, Isha's here. Gotta go

-Jillian out

For Now

Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied
Everyone goes around a little empty inside
Take a breath
Look around
Swallow your pride
For now...

Nothing lasts, life goes on
Full of surprises
You'll be faced with problems
of all shapes and sizes
You're going to have to make a few compromises
for now...

But only for now
Only for now

Fornow we're healthy, for now we're employed
For now we're happy if not overjoyed
And we'll accept the things
We cannot avoid
For now...
But only for now...

For now there's life
For now there's love
For now there's work
For now there's happiness
But only for now

For now discomfort
For now there's friendship
For now, only for now

Flirting! Is only for now
Your hair! Is only for now
Politics! Is only for now

Don't stress, relax!
Let life roll off your backs
Except death and paying taxes
Everyting in life is only for now

Each time you smile
It will only last a while
Life may be scary
But it's only temporary

Everything's only for now!

-The vast "wisdom" that is Avenue Q

You know, it’s much more real than a movie when it’s real

Gol, I can't believe it's over. Seriously. It's just...over, like that. No big release of happiness, no wishing that it wasn't ending. Just blah, there you go, you're done. I'm sort of just sitting here in a daze wondering what I'm going to do when I wake up Monday morning. It might hit me then that I'm in my "Senior Summer" and that I'm officially the top of the totem pole in the high school hierchy. Probably not though. I'll probably just switch into numb mode until EFY knocks me out of it.

I do believe this stupor is brought on partly by the whole school being over thing and partly becaue of my lack of sleep. And I was honestly going to write you guys episode three of the Jillian Pulling All-Nighters Series, but when I was finally finished at five in the morning I was just like "forget it" and went to try and read Abarat instead, which turned out to be pointless as there was no way in heck that I would be able to read three hundred pages during school. So I gave up. But I want to check it out again at the beginning of next year so I can finish it before school gets all crazy again.

And now? Now I should go clean my room in case there is a chance Gen decides to come up - which would totally make my month, by the way. But ugh...cleaning...I may just wait till after Jimmy Neutron's over. HUZZAH!!

-Jillian

You can just suck my big toe...and I hope it tastes funny!

So yeah, today's sucking really badly. I hate it when this happens. It feels like the entire world is moving along, progressing, and I'm just sitting in a haze watching it go by. It's like one of those shots where they have a person standing alone in the crowd not moving while people zoom by in little blurs. Except in this case it's more me trying to move through water while everyone else is flying.

I don't know how else to describe it, so I'll leave it at that.

I should really be working on my A.P. stuff right now, but I'm lacking motivation to do anything but curl up in a corner and read. That's the problem when I get a good book, I never want to stop reading it. Maybe that's why my parents would take them away from me as a form of punishment.

And now Sebastyn is sitting sort of behind me so I should probably do my work.

Gol, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

-Jillian

If you were me than I’d be you. And if I were you, I’d hide somewhere far away

Ugh, I'm going to try typing the best I can with my demented finger that I took a chunk out of with a chain link fence...Though it's nothing compared to Daniels leg. Ouchie.

Hold up, phone call.

Okay, back. It was Kayleen for Jessica, asking if they wanted to go running at five. I was like "Five in the morning?!" And she was like "Gol no! Who would ever want that!"

Which brings me to my morning.

I woke up at friggin four thirty to watch a fairly boring sunrise, as it was already really really light when we got up to the hill. And then when the sun finally did rise - blinding us, by the way - it was ten minutes later than when it was supposed to. It was a bit of a let down. I've decided sometime this summer I'm going to just break curfew, drive up there at like, four, and watch it rise then. Or just pull a Bern and climb the mountain and watch it rise from there. Though the whole climbing the mountain isn't really my thing, but I suppose I could do it for the sunrise. I mean, we hiked at Girls camp all the time! OHMIGOSH! That just made me remember, Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy" is playing at the drive-in next weekend! We so need to go! That is if Maegan's not grounded.

But I digress. As usual.

So I crashed at like, five forty-five after reading some of my Artemis Fowl book (which turned out to be AWESOME in case you were wondering) and I had this weird dream but Maegan can tell you all about. Then she called at nine and I was a bit cranky due to my dream. Then I picked up pooh after reading MORE of my book, then ate breakfast, finished the book, complained about the ending - cuz honestly, you have to complain about the endings of all good "series" books - took a shower, cooked my hot dogs, and was on my way...late as usual. But that's okay, cuz no one was there 'cept Bern who had been waiting for like, fifteen minutes.

Apparently, no one told him that we all run on Mormon Standard Time.

The rest of the day was pretty fun. Darcy and Bern were with us for a little while, but then they ditched for silly stuff like homework and chores so it was just Daniel, Cooper, me, and Maegan. And between tennis, wrestling, biting, car/dog washing, checking on Abish, frisbee, trying to teach Cooper to fight *rolls eyes*, and just goofing off we were in the sun for about four straight hours.

Which explains why my arms are bright red from mid upper-arm to my wrist and around my neck. I'm going to look really funny when I wear a shirt with smaller sleeves and a square neckline.

Anyway, so we retired to my house and we were all radiating an insane amount of heat and poor Maegan had to sit on the floor cuz her pants were still wet - the rest of us had changed - and watched Star Wars Episode III. And as much as I hate to say it, it wasn't all that awesome. There were too many indescrepancies (spelling? Who uses that word anyway?!) and it was kind of unrealistic. It was fun to watch and everything, like seriously, the fighting with you'd was the BEST part! I LOVE YODA! But we were talking about it and we decided it was poorly written and definitely poorly directed. Bad writing can usually be fixed by good directing, but I hate to say it, Lucas missed the mark on the past three Star Wars. The oldest are still the best. They're just more realistic and you actually care about the characters and what happens to them. In this one I was like "Kill Padimay (again, spelling?), I don't care. All she does is cry and bite her hand". Granted, there were a few you cared about, but they were few and far between. I was really sad when they killed the Jedi Master's though. That made me unhappy inside. I think I actually started yelling at the T.V. But my favorite part had to be Cooper. "He's Darth Vader?" And all four of us girls - my mom, Jessy, me, and Maegan turn to him and are all "YES!!!!! GOL!!!" because all of us had been trying to explain it to him for the entire movie.

Anyway, I think I'm going to go to bed now so I can wake up at the butt crack of dawn and finish up my homework. I hope you've all enjoyed reading in weirdness and lack of detail my day.

Oh, and Honor the Seniors went off really well. I got to see Mindee and Tricia and Mary and it was really sweet, but I didn't get to talk to them at all really, cuz I was running around playing the hostess/clean-up lady.

Anyway, I'm tired and I have another book to read! Ciao!

-Jillian

I had an imaginary friend once. I didn't really like her so I killed her.

Okay, I officially hate Macs. No offense Beckah, especially since I'm actually typing this on your computer waiting for the stupid DVD's to burn (I think I may go home, take a nap, come back, and finish then...maybe it'll be finished converting the menu's then *rolls eyes*) but seriously! Here I am, trying to burn the "Honor the Seniors" DVD and type up the program when all of the sudden the stupid window's writer thingy - microsoft word, that's what that retarded thing is called - decides it doesn't like me and freezes up on me. Well, it's not exactly frozen, but it keeps giving me this rainbow swirlie thing and won't let me exit out of it even! Puh! The nerve of it!

And yeah, I just realized I sound really bitter. I'm not though, I'm in quite a good mood actually.

But the point remains I still can't operate word. And it's not like I can just restart the computer or anything. It's taken me over an hour to have the Compy burn half of a menu on the DVD, I'm not going to stop the process now. I'm hoping all of a sudden I'll click on the little button and be like "Holy Moses! It finished all of a sudden without any warning! What a nice surprise!" but I highly doubt that will happen.

There is a plus to this though. Beckah has some awesome Tunes on her comp that I'm rocking out to so I don't fall asleep and get keyboard face. GO TECHNO PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!

Anyway, I'm seriously looking forward to the summer. HUZZAH FOR FREE TIME AND SLEEPING IN AND GOING TO THE DRIVE-IN! Last night was fun. There's something really comforting about having your head on someone's chest - or in my case stomach - and their arm around you and just feeling them breathe. It's so soothing. And I know some of you are thinking "it's only that way if it's a hot guy" but that's wrong. The guy doesn't have to be hot. ;-) joking, but seriously though, it doesn't have to be a guy, it just has to be a person your comfortable with. Honestly, it's the most calming thing. I just laid their curled up in a ball with my blanket over me and I barely even paid attention to the movie. I was too busy fighting off sleep. But it was nice though.

WILL IT EVER BE FINISHED! Good news though, it's halfway through the menu's! BOO-YAH! I knew there was justice in this world

Okay, getting off, cuz the compy's starting to be slow which is not a good sign. Maybe if I close down all other functions the burning will go faster...hm...

-Jillian

Says Kyle with the mint julep face mask on "I AM THE MASK!"

Big River is finally over! Not that I'm not glad or anything (weird, double-negative...) I'm going to miss it a bit - though watching Tristan's abnormally long toes curl over the platform isn't going to be one of the things I miss (Lauren, that was just for you (-;), but it will be nice to have some free time again.

OH! I think Raage did well at State! Cuz when me and Bern drove by the high school after lunch today his car had a bunch of "congratulations!" banners on them, so I'm hoping he took first in one of his events.

And I'm sitting here typing with Mint Julep mask on my face. Hold on, going to wash it off.

*washing*

okay, so I didn't just wash, I got totally ready for bed.

You know, life is really weird. Actually, to be more specific, people are. And I'm going all analytical again, but seriously. I find it fascinating how everyone is totally different but we all have traits that are the same. I am yet to meet one person who is ABSOLUTLY different from me. Everyone has at least one quirk that's like mine. Likewise no one is exactly like me. Which is a really good thing because as Bern says "One Jillian is enough". But if you actually think about it, it makes relationships really interesting. Well, not interesting like "interesting things happening" but interesting as in "it's interesting how relationships come together." And I know I'm making no sense but this honestly fascinates me. Humans and their reactions and actions to other's amaze me. You could get two people who watch one person do something and those two people could come away with different opinions of what that person really did. Interpratation is so important in communication. So many things go into how people interpret things, like background, upbringing, personalities, past experiances, and a bunch of other things. It's amazing we can function together at all.

Another thing about life that's intersting is this. We're all going through the same thing now, whether we'll admit it or not. I don't know if it happened like a domino effect, like one person started the process and told someone else about it who was like "yeah, that makes sense" so it happened to that person next and the process started again. I personally don't think it happened that way, I think it was more something that came about with the whole "maturing into adults" thing.

But they don't teach you THIS about growing up in Health Class.

We're all searching for something or someone. We're feeling unfulfilled in our normal High School relationships. And we also feel guilty that we feel unfulfilled, but we shouldn't, because we're all unfulfilled together. We want more mature friendships and to just be content with being ourselves. But at the same time our whole emotional spectrum is changing as we grow. I've already explained this horribly to Maegan and I doubt it'll make any sense over the net so I won't try. I'll just say that as we're getting older we're feeling more emotions more intensly than we did before. That's where the whole "I should be happy right now but I'm not" and the "why am I feel 25 different emotions at once?" thing comes in. Think of it as emotional puberty.

Now granted, this is just my thesis on things. I really want to hear other's opinions on it and not just comments like "you overanalyze too much" because I know I do, it helps me pass the time and figure some things out in the process. I really do want to hear what you guys think about this. Maybe I should be a psychiatrist when I grow up or something. Or a socialogist because people fascinate me.

But what I really want to be - and I just figured this out like, two days ago - is a religions archiologist or something like that. Like, for my dream job, if I could be anything in the whole wide world? I'd so be that. To go visit places of religious significance and read dead sea scrolls and things like that. Ohmigosh, I melt just thinking about it. It combines my two favorite things in the whole wide world - religion and history. Well, not my TWO favorite things. Two of my favorite things. You have to have music and theatre in there too. But I know that there's no way I could ever do that. I would have to travel too much and I'm not even sure a job like that exists. But oh, if it did I'd be like "SIGN ME UP, BABY!"

Anyway I should probably be getting to bed. I'm waking up in less than six hours!

-Jillian

p.s. dude, I so bought a coloring book today and it was soooo awesome to be able to color in it! Simple mind, simple pleasures! It's a monster coloring book with really simple big pictures. And a few connect the dots and stuff like that of course. But I've decided when I move out and I'm going to be too broke to buy art I'll just buy a coloring book, color some pictures, and hang them up all over my walls. How cool would that be?

Quote for the day: (in honor of Big River coming to a close)
Did the moring come to early?
Was the night not long enough?
Does a tear of hestitation fall on everything we touch?

People reach new understandings all the time
They take a second look, maybe change their minds
People reach new understanding's every day
Tell me not to reach, and I'll go away

Well it might just be a lesson
for the hasty heart to know
Maybe leaving's not the only way to go

Nothing like when an actor goes "whoops, wrong sock. 0h well"

Heh, I bet none of you realized that O in the Oh well is really a zero. Anyway, we had the adjudication tonight and it barely got out like, a half hour ago. A bunch of people went to Denny's but I decided not to, even though it would be totally awesome to have made fun of Tristan around Coleen. And Erin wouldn't have been there which makes everything TONS better. Gol that girl ticks me off! I swear her goal in life is to try and belittle me. I actually told her that I wasn't going to rise to her bait anymore, but I kind of did tonight. The adjudicator made a joke about how he wanted to make the response short because he knew most of the cast really wanted to be out drinking (theatre humor, gotta love it) and Erin laughed really loudly and I was all "well, we all know Erin wants to at least" and the people around me that heard it just snickered because it's so true. I swear, that girl is the biggest lush I've ever seen.

Anyway, on a happier note, the play went pretty well tonight. We messed up quite a few times (and by we, I don't mean me, I have the simpliest job...push play, push up faders...wait...pull down faders, pause button, cue up next sound, wait some fifty odd pages, and viola, that's my night) like the platforms and stuff. And I really want lasagna. Or hot cocoa. But the audience was great. We got another Ovie at least.

Does anyone know when the "track stars" are getting back? Cuz if we're going to do up Raage's car it might be a smart idea to do it BEFORE he returns victouriously. I'm only assuming it'll be victouriously, and I certainly hope it is. Gol dang it! I have stupid Big River songs stuck in my head. I wonder why *rolls eyes*. And jeesh my hands are freezing!

I hope you don't have mono Maegan, cuz if you did guess who else would have it?

So I saw Mekala Clapp at the show today. Brought back some memories that I didn't really want to remember, but it was good I did because it helped me realize what caused me to get into the self-defeating complex I had for the first part of this year...well, actually, I was in it up until like, two weeks ago. It's so weird when you look back on all the things that have happened and you realize how you generally got where you are. Or were as my case was.

But dude, Katelyn agreed that Tristan was hot. Mollie made the comment/inside joke "yummy with a spoon!" Course then I had to go and explain about his swimmer body (a.k.a. boy body...like Steven's...heh heh heh...but hey dude, thanks for holding my keys, without you we wouldn't have gotten to the show before it started!) and that turned them off a little.

Ohmigosh, you know what I realized? We managed to get through Lux Arumque without out doing the "POOOH-rah" thing. Yes, we have self-discipline!

It's going to be so weird in choir next year without Devin and Crystal. OHMIGOSH! If I'm having issues now with only Kyle in college how am I going to be next year? This is going to be really trippy. The college students - the freshman at least - are only like, 2 years older than me. It really throws a wrench in my usual "college/Wheeler child" relationship.

Alright, I'm going to drink some hot cocoa and go to sleep, cuz my fingers are FREEZING!

-Jillian

Quotes for the day:

"Pain is a testament of Human Love."

"Much as he'd done to me I couldn't feel any hardness against him. Human beings can be so cruel to each other sometimes."

It's like when a person compares a blue ball to a watermelon cut in the shape of a catfish...

Gah today was good. Except now I'm dead tired. Nothing quite takes the energy out of you than a good highlighter fight. It seriously took me five minutes of scrubbing to get all the marker off so people wouldn't think I had jondis tonight at the AVE concert - which went fairly well by the way.

But yeah, as most of you know Sam Stevens totally smacked me into a wall. I have to admit it was impressive how he did it. He just linked his arm around mine while I was running and let my own momentum take me.

Seriously though, I love things like marker fights. I love doing things that involve running and getting dirty and wrestling and being loud and other stuff like that. There's nothing quite like it. I think my ideal of "Fun" would have to be having a fight like that and then without any reason, any person saying "okay, now we be serious" you just sit there and have a deep conversation about...well, anything really. I mean, it's like with some of my friends, we'll be sitting there doing nothing, then something will happen where we start royally goofing off and being "immature" and eventually we'll tire out and just sink into a couch and talk about life and religion and other stuff like that. We might continue wrestling a little while we do it but still, there's just a feeling of comfortableness and ease when you talk about serious subjects with people you just goofed off with.

I think you have to achieve a balance in life. If you have too much fun you'll never learn or grow to your potential as a human being. But if you don't have any fun? If you never just yell and act immature and run around or throw yourself on the floor for no reason your life is going to be...well...bland. While I love having funny conversations with my friends and making them laugh and telling stories about each other and making memories that way I honestly can say some of the best memories of this year are going to be the things like pranking and marker fights and dog piles. But at the same time I'll remember the serious talks I've had with certain friends too.

See, it's a balance thing.

-Jillian

"...Darcy...his butt's invading my bubble..."

ho hum! I'm sitting in the retarded sewing chair right now because my mom needs the computer chair to sew the costumes on.

Anyway, today was relativly awesome. Lunch was sweet. Beckah and I got into a highlighter fight which I have battle scars from. Well, not really scars, just bright yellow marks all over. *singing* all over! all over! all over! *end singing*. And yes, I did just come from an Advanced Vocal rehersal. Dang we're a scary bunch. Honestly nothing can quite describe all the "relationships" in Advanced. YAY! NEW MARZIPAN ANSWERING MACHINE ON HOMESTAR! Um...sorry for the random outburst. OH! Good job Raage! Even though you will be leaving me all alone in Health so I'll be forced to insult myself those days, that's so cool you're going to State! RUN HARD SWEETIE! baha...goatface..."i'm just calling you up to see if you want to join the goatface club, because you're face really looks like a goat...um...marzipan, this is strongbad, and you're ugly." And yes I did just type miscorelated peices of the answering machine message.

What was I talking about? I don't even remember. Anyway, today was a cool day and I feel happy. :)

Ooh...I wanna bake something. Or just eat chocolate. That works too. But yeah, I just came back from an Advanced rehersal. I'm quite surprised to say that no one has died yet in that class, though there are still two weeks left, so maybe I've spoken too soon. Though Darcy was pretty close to opening a can of "Darcy Rage" today. I would have laughed to have seen it and I highly doubt anyone would have stopped the ensuing violence.

Today's such a gorgeous day. I think I'm going to go play outside in puddles...or work on my math. :( baaaaah...that just ruined all the happy thoughts

-Jillian

But Carl, Lake Monsters are part of the beauty of life!

Okay, so I just had the coolest experiance tonight. It's amazing how the simple things can just uplift you and make you super duper happy!

Anyhoo - as my wonderful super missionary sister Jennifer would say - I've come to the realization that some book characters are quite sexy. I mean, seriously. I was sitting up in the booth watching "Big River" tonight and I couldn't help but be like "dude, if Huck were real, I'd so be all over that guy". And I mean that in a purely not-disgusting way. Just that I would be really into getting to know the guy and ten to one I'd have a crush on him. That is if he was blonde and sang Tenor. Or maybe my whole attraction to Huck right now is because it's Tristan playing the part. I mean honestly, any girl that's seen Tristan - not to mention heard him sing *swoon* - has to agree he's fairly high up on the hott scale. And surprsingly he's not a jerk. In fact he's a lot of fun to hang around. Like today poor Shannon was trying to tell him about his make-up and she mentioned his hair and I started going off about how I just wanted to get a curling iron and some hot rollers and maybe a bottle of hairspray and go at it, and it was super funny because he was trying to pay attention to Shannon but I could tell he wasn't because he kept looking at me and smiling and trying not to laugh or make some comment about how he'd probably look like an 80's punk rocker. Except without the spandex. I'm not sure that I'd like to see Tristan in spandex, as much as I love that boy.

But I digress.

What I mean to be saying is, there are some book characters that are just plain awesome. At least as far as guys go. You'll finish reading a book or a paragraph or something and you'll just be like "dang...if only that guy were real." Course most book characters out of their setting would look kind of silly. Could you imagine Prince Char from Ella Enchanted wondering around La Grande wearing tights and those pumpkin pants? Heh...heh heh heh. But seriously though, it's the same thing with cartoon characters! And no, I'm not totallly loony, Rebekah know's what I'm talking about! There are some cartoon character's that just have it - namely Dimitri and Robin Hood - and there are some that don't - such as Vladamir and Little John, their respective side-kicks. Which poses another question. Why do the host cartoon characters have fat usually hair guys as their best friends/partner in fighting/committing crime?

Meh, who really cares anyway.

Anyway, GOOD NEWS! I am fever free for the first time in 24 hours! YAY!

I'm going to go to bed and have sweet dreams that will probably turn into something weird - like Robin Hood and Tristan dancing on a raft that's balancing on a big fat hairy guy.

-Jillian

Floating...free-falling, watching from above

My body aches, my heads hurting, I'm freezing cold, my eyes are sore, and my mom says I'm running a fever and that my eyes are glossed over. And it actually kind of hurts to type because my arm/wrist hurts so much.

So right now I'm looking outside my window watching the top of our swing flap in the wind. The trees are swaying violently and deep down I hope there's a fierce storm coming. Not one of those wussie ones that brings some heavy rain and a little wind, but one of those huge ones where the whole house seems to be shaking by the large clap of thunder and the electricity goes out. Then you can drive around town and look at what it's like when it's pitch black, till you jump out of the car and splash in the puddles. Then you turn your face up to the downpour and feel as the large drops hit your face like needles. It feels sharp and relaxing all at once. And finally, it's then you know that you're alive, that you're not some insignificant speck. Somehow, when you feel like you're the only person on earth and you shut everything out you feel all important, like this rain storm was just for you. You feel at one with the world around you, like everything's the way it's supposed to be. In those precious moments where it's just you and the rain life is simple. You don't have to worry about other people or anything at all. Just the cool water as it drips off your face. It seems to wash all the worries and care with it leaving you refreshed and open. Like you're a little kid again.

I need something like that right now. I need to know someone actually cares. That someone actually wonders how I'm doing and would gladly give up their time to talk with me. I'm just tired of not knowing who is faking it and who is being honest. I'm tired of feeling like I can't trust certain people. I'm tired of pushing people away because I'm uncertain about them and feel like I can't trust them. I'm tired of wanting to scream but feeling like I can't because everyone's looking at me, waiting for me to do my next stupid mess-up. I'm tired of people who judge me and people who are supposed to be my friends talking about me behind my back. I'm tired of always having to perform, to try and make people happy and that they look at me like I'm a failure when I don't. I'm tired of being afraid of what people are thinking about me. I'm tired of getting weird looks whenever I feel sad or whenever I feel so happy that I want to jump and scream and dance.

Why can't I just sit down for once without everyone thinking I'm mad at them or being offended? Am I forever going to be doomed to be the topic of gossip and back-biting? Why can't people just talk to me about a problem instead of spreading rumors about how evil I am? Can't people see that life would be easier and so less people would be hurt if we just did that?

But mostly I'm tired of people who think they're better than others and people who can't make up their minds if they like someone or not. If you don't, why can't you just act like you don't like them instead of putting on a show and lying to everyone? You're just hurting people and I don't think anyone actually wants to do that.

I should probably take my own advice on that one. Except in my case it's me I'm hurting. I'm just so afraid to be nice to people, to let them know I actually care. It seems whenever that happens I end up hurt. I hate that. I don't want to be hurt. I'd almost rather hurt myself by pushing someone away that MIGHT have been a friend than begin to care for that person a lot only to find out they're using me and the whole thing is an act. But why do people have to be so stupid to fake liking someone in the first place to advance themselves? Can't you see how cruel and selfish that is? Why can't anyone see that besides me?

-Jillian

A simple whisper from your voice, and I fade away!

Gol...my whole world was just tipped upside down with one little bit of "choir gossip" which I normally wouldn't believe or really listen to, but this one...ugh...I feel like...I don't know. Like sitting at a computer screen while hundreds of words and sentances and emotions run through my mind and just barely stop before my fingers can type them. Things are really never as they seem. Just when things seemed to be happening to make things better - now granted, they were making things more confusing but they were a better confusing, almost balancing precariously on the edge of plunging into utter happiness or more turmoil - I just had to talk to Katelyn. She said something that just...blew everything sky high in a matter of speaking. I know she definitly didn't mean to and I highly doubts she even knows what I'm talking about. But now I'm second-guessing myself and others actions towards me. I would ask "why do I always analyze myself and what people do when they're around me and how they act?" but I know the answer. Because I'm so set on not getting hurt again. It's happened to me so many times and I just don't want it to go through it and put my friends through it. Which is stupid, because I know it's going to happen, no matter how hard I try. It' s a part of life. If someone came to talk to me about this situation that I'm in I would tell them that getting hurt was inevitable, even if you ran from it, but happiness comes only when you take chances and let things happen to you. And while I know that and know that I should follow my own advice...

I just don't want to get hurt again. Is that so horrible?

-Jillian