Love is not to be confused with adhesive tape

Aaaaah, good memories! I still haven't sent this out to anyone yet, but I love these pictures anyway. The best one is of Ben, Logan, and I think Steven. Ben is Nancy Drew.

So I just got back from baby-sitting. The kids were freaking adorable and half-Romanian actually. The youngest one - Tavi (short for Octavian) - looked like the classic Eastern European. He had this huge brown eyes and pale long face that just looked naturally melancholy. Even Anika looked like that, though she was smiling almost the entire time - not to mention bouncing off the walls. But yeah, it was fun. Especially with the whole "chocoalte at Safeway" thing. And of course, Ethan Andrew Jacobson was just plain adorable. I still can't decide if he's an ugly baby or insanely cute.

My life is somewhat boring right now. I haven't offically "hung-out" with anyone in the longest time. Don't get me wrong, I see them all the time, but never to just be with them and do something fun. Maybe I can start doing stuff...except probably not. When I don't have rehersal they're busy with something else. Our schedules just don't mesh.

Sad.

I've officially finished applying for BYU-I scholarships. Halelujah! That free's up a lot of time...not to mention takes off a lot of stress. Now I can stress about Bio and other fun stuff...like Calculus. *sigh* I wish I understood math. It's...but that's not important.

There's this really cool song I know and have been wanting to post it on here, but my format has been retarded on here so I haven't been able to write it down.

But I've got to go. I must go clean my room! And probably go to bed soon, since I'm going to church at 9 tomorrow.

I hope you guys - meaning MaeLee and Maegan and Jeff...maybe... - had an awesome time at All-State!

Toodles!

-Jillian

It's another obvious attempt on our lives. We have been saved only by the fact that I am enormously well-bred.

I feel so sick right now. It's not even cool. It's the weird feeling you get when you've done too many sit-ups and your abs are tight across your stomach, except I keep having stomach cramps too. I ended up having to leave church during sacrament meeting because I was feeling like pooh. It also doesn't help that I have the sniffles and sneezes and stuffy nose too...and if I finished this sentance correctly, I would sound like Dr. Suess. Ha...ha ha ha...anyway, everytime I sneeze or cough it just makes my stomach hurt even worse.

I ended up working on scholarship applications for BYU-I. I have most of the stuff ready, I just need to video-tape the actual audition. Except I need to find a theatre peice, but it shouldn't be that hard. And, once I get my EOU transcript sent in and pay the fee I have officially applied.

Why can't applying to college be easy? Just click once, and you're done?

Anyway, yesterday was fun, beside the whole feeling sick most of the time thing. I went over to the Scheonfelders and played around with Jackie until the game at three, watched it with MaeLee and Maegan (good job Jared! It was sweet, as were your shoes!), B.S.ed with Maegan and a little while with Raage, then watched the Varsity game (again, good going Jared!), then went home. Jackie called me up later to see if I wanted to do something, but I was feeling like crap, so decided not too. Though I am slightly peturbed that Raage took my guitar paper. I really wanted to work on it last night. And after all that crap with stealing stuff he makes off with it...*shakes head*

Hm...anything else interesting going on in my life? Not really. New classes start tomorrow. I have first with Raage and Jeff, second with Katleyn, third with...well, everyone, fourth with Dan, Isha, Meghan, Sam, etc, etc, etc...and then fifth with Beckah and Raage and probably a bunch of other people like Reed who managed to make it through the painstaking process of the La Grande High School math system.

My fingers are freezing. Mayhaps it's from typing. Or perhaps it's because I've spent the last few hours knitting. And watching some pretty good T.V. I watched this thing on the "Bible Code" where people are trying to figure out the hidden code in the Torah, and then there was this thing on the discovery Heath channel about people who inherit two complete sets of DNA. It was sweet. Now we're watching "Murder by Death" which my dad claims is the origional "Clue"

Anyhoo, I think I'm going to go now, and read some more of "Dragon Reborn" I've managed to read 450 pages of it - during finals week. How amazing am I? Anyhoo, I need to finish it and get it back to Raage before I damage it and feel completely wretched.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Sure, I may look asleep, but underneath this apathetic exterior I’m as alert as a gazelle.

This title completely describes this week. Except I wasn't as alert as a gazelle. Not by a far shot.

Anyway, I just got back from the Scheonfelders. It was fun. I hung out with Meghan and Jackie and a German exchange student from Germany...I mean Union. Obviously if she's a German exchange student she's from Union...I mean Germany. GAH! Ohmigosh, flashbacks to A.P. Comp today. I tried to write "sinus infection" and it came out "science competition." Man...I was having huge issues today. At least when it comes to communicating my ideas. What else happened today? I turned my Senior pictures in. Went to rehersal. Resisted the urge to dive tackle people and hug them. About passed out three or four times. Experianced vertigo several times. Ooh, and I got angry once, but what are you gonna do? I'll blame it on my lack of zzzz's.

Which reminds me that I need to get my Eastern transcript. And the odd thing is, talking about lacking sleep actually made me think of my transcript.

I think I might eat dinner. I had some Ramen before rehersal - which was fun because I was so unable to focus on anything...I think I messed up on every song, not to mention it was embarrassing having Mr. Jacobson pull me out in front of everyone, but that's a different story - but now I'm hungry again. I did steal some of Meghan's spaghetti...you know, I really don't like that word...spaghetti...actually, I do, it's just confusing to spell at times. I hate writing notes when I'm tired. I tried to write guillotine today and I couldn't do it. Raage - who I was writing the note to - had to tell me how to spell it. How sad is that? *shakes head* I'm pitiful, I swear.

Okay, leaving now.

Oh, one more quick announcement. 1ST SEMESTER AND FINALS ARE OVER! HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!

Toodles everyone!

-Jillian

Hello, my name is Alatáriël Nénharma, or, in flobbit land, Myrtle Sandybanks

Yes, I was trying to translate Latin and managed to stumble upon an elvish name translator that also linked to a hobbit name-translator.

It's the little things in life...

Anyway, I need to talk to Raage about the stupid essay. I would have done it today, but he looked like if I walked through the door at Exxon, he and his dad both would chop my head off. Or rather, he would chop my head off and his dad wouldn't stop him. Which, personally, I don't thinkthat's an enjoyable way to spend a Sunday evening.

I wonder if he would have used one of the Exxon squeegies to decapitate me. I think that would be slightly painful. Like on Harry Potter, how that one dude got his head chopped off with a blunt ax.

So I'm really tired. It's aggravating, really, because I seem to get enough sleep, but I'm always tired. Like, REALLY tired. It makes me angry. For instance, it's gotten to the fact that once I sit down I never want to get up again. For example, last night and today during church numerous times. And right now, the only reason I'm still rambling is because I'm too lazy to get off my duff and go to bed.

Oh, congratulations Baxter, on your new glasses. I look forward to seeing you in them. Or seeing them on you. Whatever is grammatically correct. Which reminds me, I should study for my finals. See, if I get A's on all of them, it will help my GPA. If I get B's or lower on them, it will lower my GPA. It's a rather precarious situations I've gotten myself into. I hate myself for it, but what are you going to do?

Do you think it's possible to have seasonal depression as a teenager? If so, I am totally moving somewhere where it's sunny 300 days out of the year. I don't care if it's a desert. I'm willing to live in excrutiating heat as long as I don't hit the winter blues like I have for the past few years.

You know, I hate having this whole "sense of trust" thing going on. The fact that I never feel like I can share peoples conversations or anything that they've said to me really dampers my conversations. It also doesn't help how people have emotional connections to other people, which hinders the whole "open discussion" thing anyway. Jeesh. Who invented emotions anyway? They're so pointless!

I'm feeling slightly goofy.

And I think I should sign off now, because I'm trying to instante message two people right now, and they won't leave me alone!

Ha...two guys won't stop talking to me. What's a girl to do?

Toodles!

-Jillian

If I'm so smart, tell me, why am I still so afraid?

So, yeah. There's so much going on in my head right now. I just want to scream and run away and beat someone up and cry and talk to someone. But I can't. I won't let myself. Why won't I let myself do what I want and what I need? Because, I can't stand to let anyone know I'm dependant on them. I'm so afraid that if I do it'll just...why am I like this?! I want to go talk but I know I won't let myself. I've tried so hard to get to the point I'm at right now and now all I want is to go back. I hate fighting with myself. That's all I seem to do. I want to talk, but I don't want them to know, they figure it out and then I clam up even though I'm crying to say what I want, I can't. I get so stuck in a mode that I can't get out of it.

I hate myself. I hate myself and I hate everyone else too.

Would you shut up? I’m trying to talk to myself here!

It's it too early to start a countdown for Spring Break? It's not so much that I want to get away from school - which I do, but what else is new? - but I want to do the road-trip thing! I talked to Nick about it briefly last night and I think we may actually do it, which will be incredibly awesome.

So right now I'm taking a break from my Bio homework. My head is swimming with thoughts of DNA and RNA and Fraenkel-Conrat and Watson and Crick and a bunch of other people who had something to do with discovering DNA. And thoughts of other things that I seem to be getting off on more and more. Which is why I've decided to sit here and write them down for a little bit.

Life is strange. Sometimes I feel like I'm in that one car commercial where the car drives by and everything changes around it. I feel like I'm the car, everything changing as I go by, but I stay the same. Things happen to those around me and those I'm friends with and all I can do is keep driving by. Then there are sometimes when I feel like life is passing me by. It's the whole "Best Two Years" Syndrome when Elder Rodgers is standing in the middle of the crowd and they all run past him about their lives without noticing him. And of course there are those times when everything just seems to be perfect, like a walk in the country when the sun is setting is just setting during the summer.

It's funny. I'm reading a book now that's too complicated to explain even in a reader digest version, but there's this one part in it that made me think about the drama's of high school. In a country called Cairhien they play this game called Daes Dae'mar and it's basically a political chess game. Who talks to who and what is said and who spends time with who and what they do is monitored and from that you tell alliances and the whole "my friends enemy is my enemy" thing applies and I read it and was like "ohmigosh! This is High School!" And I started laughing. It was a semi-malicious laugh of course, but still a laugh.

I don't like playing this game much. It gets too confusing. I figure I'll talk to who I want to, be nice to who I want to - which is basically everyone - and just do what I want. Unfortunately, I can't expect people to take this too well. There are people who I hang out with who seem to be so caught up in everything that they're determined to make my life miserable. I'll admit they succeed sometimes. Alright, a majority of the time. Luckily I still have people who don't get so caught up in that stuff that can make me feel better and realize what's really important.

Thank Heaven for those people.

I suppose since there's opposition in all things it only makes sense that there are those people who try and bring you down. You know what I don't like? I don't like people that have issues with you that they try and hide. It's funny, because I can usually tell when someone has an issue with me, and I think it's funny how they get so frustrated trying to be nice to my face and then explode when they're alone because they have this problem with me. I would personally rather talk to a person I have an issue with than put myself through that emotional wring-dryer of pretending to be fine. That's so last year. *rolls eyes* Ha...ha...okay, I'm laughing at myself here, and I'm sure I'm the only one because sarcasm doesn't transfer well in writing, and neither does the prissy girl voice that I heard that typed with in my head.

And I sound like I'm insane, so I'm shutting up.

Alright, I'm going to go finish up my homework. And I should probably come up with an idea for the whole Angela's Ashes essay.

Toodles!

-Jillian

We're not human beings have a spiritual experiance, we are spiritual beings have a human experiance

I think winter makes people melancholy.

Today was a strange day. I woke up feeling completely grouchy and angry. There was no reason for this. Last night was enjoyable, as was most of the day, but the joy of New Years Even didn't seem to run into the morn of New Years Day. I hope this isn't a forecast for the rest of this year.

Anyway, I went to church and flew on "Good Girl Auto-Pilot", something I've been using lately. But then we had Young Women's. It was honestly an answer to a prayer. And I just had this thought I had to share, because it makes all the difference to me, and if I manage to apply it in my life I know I'll be happier and a better person. After the lesson started this idea hit me so hard that it almost knocked the breath out of me:

If I spent half as much time working on and thinking and worrying about my relationship with Heavenly Father and Christ as I did dwelling on my relationships with friends, my life would be better and easier, less confusing and dramatic, more liberating and joyous. Happier.

More specifically, I wouldn't be plauged by the inadequacies that I've been feeling lately, I would be more open to the promptings of the spirit. I wouldn't worry about what others thought of me and I wouldn't let those thoughts affect my choices. And - the thing that seemed to bolster me the most - I wouldn't need to worry about what others thought, because if I focused on Christ I would be on the path Heavenly Father has planned for me. If that meant the people I was trying to please wouldn't accept me because I stop paying as much attention to them it wouldn't matter because then it wouldn't be part of Heavenly Fathers plan. I don't know if I'm explaining this right, but I hope you get my meaning.

So, for all of you having a hard time, and those that will go through hard times and have gone through hard times (I'm fairly certain that includes all of us, every single person in this world), just remember this and hopefully it'll help.

Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you
(Doctrine and Covenants Section 88:63)