If we lived in the future, then we'd be in the past right now - Spring Break trip to Salt Lake Trip, 2006

Celebrate the 100th post!

It's official, I am a blogging nerd.

Anyway, in honor of my 100th post, I am including two incredibly awesome pictures that make me happy. The first one makes me happy, because I find Raage's fingers and hands insanely fascinating. Or at least I did this weekend. I don't know if I'll find them quite as entertaining once I start getting a normal amount of sleep, but as I don't fit into that category right now, I still like the picture. Though I'd probably still like the picture anyway, even if my obsession with his opposable appendages fades.

The second one makes me happy because it proves black is just a color. You can be pasty white and lay the rap-smack down too. Especially when using a cheesey fifties show-tune. Actually, I think that fact makes it all the cooler.

Anyway, to the real point of my post. This weekend was amazing. Words honestly cannot describe how wonderful it was. I'll admit I was slightly worried when the trip started that there would be some awkwardness or something - I have no idea why I thought that, perhaps I was on crack - but it turned out wonderfully. I wish I could have stayed down there for another week, especially since the weather had just turned warm and wonderful, and I really hated that we had to leave. I'll have so many memories of that place now, especially of it at night. I just wish that we never had to sleep! Though I regret the fact that we stayed up as late as we did now. But to why this trip was so amazing...I don't think I can adequately describe it. But it was just a growing experiance, growing closer to people and closer to Christ and Heavenly Father and closer to yourself in a way.

All I'm going to say is I hope this feeling never fades. I'm happier now than I have been in a while and I'm not even eating chocolate.

Saturday had to be my favorite day, even though all of them were awesome (Friday was a close second, and might've taken first if it weren't for the fact that I was slightly loopy from lack of Z's...and it wasn't conference, but we still did Baptisms in the Salt Lake Temple then, even if we did have to wait around for an hour or so for Nick and Troy. But even that was worth it to see Raage's face when he saw Temple Square at night. That still makes me smile. Anyway, back to Saturday...) Saturday we - meaning me and Raage - ended up listening to the first session in the lobby of the Legacy Theater in the Joseph Smith Memorial Buildling where we had seen Joseph the Revelator that day before, while Nick and Troy waited in the Stand-by line so we could all get in for the Saturday afternoon session since we missed the morning session by about 30 people.

Unfortunately for Troy and Nick, they left, leaving me and Raage - both who didn't know the whole "stand-by line rules" or something - in their stead holding the places.

To make a long story short, Raage and I ended up in the session and Nick and Troy ended up back at Troy's grandma's eating homemade chicken noodle soup and watching conference on T.V. The talks were amazing and the spirit was too...even when I was still shivering from the cold. But I have to confess the lack of sleep sort of caught up with me there and I zonked for a while. Only during the first talk and a half, until Raage nudged me and told me to take notes to stay awake, which turned to be a good strategy.

Anyway, after that awesome experiance, I headed back to the apartment to eat while the guys waited in line to get into the Priesthood session. I told them I'd meet them afterwards by the reflection pool, and I did that, after playing a rousing game of Scrabble with Troy's grandma. Actually, it was really fun, but it wasn't rousing, as I took an hour or so nap. They took a while to get out there though, which was fine because I needed to talk to Jennifer on the tape so I could send it off.

...And I'm getting really off topic, so I'll finish really quickly. We had decided we wanted to take pictures of temple square at night, but Nick and Troy petered out on us because Troy wanted to visit his cousin and Nick wanted to go with him. So Raage and I walked around Temple Square talking and taking pictures. And might I say that that place is so gorgeous at night? Like, I've been there before, but I guess I wasn't old enough to realize how amazing and awe-inspiring it was. I just hope the pictures turn out.


Sunday was almost as wonderful, what with conference and walking barefooted and lying in the grass waiting to go in and that one random lady taking a picture of me. And we can't forget that one guy who thought I was Latino and Raage was Brazilian.

But overall, the experiance was so spiritually fulfilling. It makes me want to go to conference all the time. Or go to an LDS boarding school. But mostly have conference all the time. Though I think that might dull the wonderfulness of it eventually.

And I just realized this is a ridiculously long post and that I'm insanely hungry. So I'm going to get off and go cook myself some dinner. You know, I don't think I've seen my dad since Thursday morning. And by Thursday, I mean the Thursday after school let-out. Sad huh? Right now they're all at rehersal...and I mean all at rehersal. Nick, Mom, Dad, Jessy, everyone. It's probably going to be like that a lot. I'll just cook myself dinner and start in on my bio homework.

I hope you all had amazingly wonderful Spring Breaks and are happy and grateful that we live in such a wonderful world, despite the mundaneness of it. Just keep remembering to look for the little things, like chocolate cake and trail mix! I love you all!

Toodles!

-Jillian

Sorry guys, I forgot my handcuffs

So it's the first "official" day of Spring Break and I figured that warranted a blog entry. Though what to write is the real question. The past few days have been really fun, what with running around and singing and just hanging out with people.

I ended up hanging over at Raage's for a while last night. It turned out it was exactly what I needed. I didn't even realize I needed it until I was over there. It was fun just to sit there and be surrounded by kids and noise and the whole happy family feeling. And the incredibly delicious banana bread and cookies were just an added bonus. And the sinus medicine. And the cough drops. But mostly being there was wonderful.

It brought back memories of Sunday's when my dad would practically tear his hair out because me and Jennifer wouldn't stop wrestling in the middle of the living room. He would always make the comment that he had girls and he didn't know why on earth we were wrestling at all, let alone why we chose to do it on Sunday of all days. And then me and Jenny would gang up on Jessica. And then when we were all dog-piled on each other my dad would come and sit on all of us. My mom would just sit and laugh.

I miss my family. I miss my parents. I miss Jennifer. I miss Jessica being here unattatched. It'll be a while before we'll have rowdy Sunday's again, until Jessy and Jenny have kids. I can probably wait that long. Two or three years. Besides, I still have Nick who's quite fun to talk to, and Jessy and Patxi - even if they did steal my car.

Oh, so there's a story. I went to church with Jessy and Patxi yesterday so I wouldn't be all alone in my ward and so I could be with them. Well, when I got up to blow my nose - not to bear my testimony, despite what it apparently looked like - they stole my key. I, being me and unobservant, didn't realize I didn't have it until Young Women's was almost through. I then start looking around for my key, in all the five places I'd been that day. I look for a while by myself until Jessy and Patxi come in from putting some stuff in the car, then they help me. Then I get Raage and Nur to help (sidenote: Raage, when I was younger I used to lie on the floor during church and look down the floor trying to match people with their shoes. It was really fun. That was how I would keep myself entertained during General Conference too. Okay, back to story) and we still couldn't find the key. I was freaking out because it was the only key I had and the only other copy was floating somewhere in the Carribean where I obviously wouldn't get it. But Jessy kept telling me to go check out in my car. I kept saying no because I knew I had it in Sacrament meeting with me. Finally I was agreed and we walk out there - and my car isn't where it's suppose to be. To quote Jessica "you could see your confusion from the back of your head." And to make a long story short (too late) Patxi engineered the plan to steal my car and they parked it over on the other end of the parking lot, all the while letting me go searching in vain for my key.

The punks.

But I ended up going over there for dinner afterwards and it was fun. I made a chicken casserole with mixed vegetables...vegatables...whatever and a rosemary basil cream sauce. It was quite yummy...at least to me, but I spiced it to taste and my nose was clogged, so I don't know how it tasted to normal people.

Anyway, I've got to run to Safeway and buy some stuff for the trip. Talk to you guys later, and hope you're all having a wonderful Spring Break.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Girls are like a piece of steaming hot pie with a big scoop of confusion on top

I dedicate this title to Raage Ismail Sofe. If you wish, you may insert "guy" in for girl. I know I do.

The track meet was...interesting? There were some high points and low points. The low points being me actually competing. Why did I ever think I could do Track? I'm horrific! Seriously! If I were Brogden, I would want to skewer myself with a Javelin, just to get rid of me.

The good news is we're going to state for choir. Turns out Baker didn't have enough music to qualify for time, so they were disqualified (I'm not so far into track to say DQed, thank you very much) and we took first. But since they're going down to Ontario to qualify, we really need to step it up and haul some trash to beat them at state.

I've come to a conclusion. High school can be very...weighing? Heavy? I'm sure you might understand what I'm saying. I've finally figured out the drama of who's talking about who, who annoys who, what people think of you, it's so...trivial. Momentary. High school will be over in a few months and most of the people and all of the drama will be gone. A sad thought, but enough to make you want to take advantage of the time you have left with friends.

And speaking of, Sara's over to watch a movie. Love you guys!

Toodles!

-Jillian

When you're drunk, you'll realize I'm in charge - Mr. Jacobson

Alright! Finally a time to breathe! Not that I can breathe all that well right now, as my cold has officially moved into my chest full force. I woke up this morning and sounded like a bass...at least when I could talk. Half the time I just ended up making this honking, rasping kind of noise. Which should prove interesting for the performance tonight. "What's the (honk) humming (rasp) tell (cough, cough) about Hugo and (hack).

It'll be beautiful!

So the past few days have been an amazing blur. For those that don't know...even though I think everyone does...I called the casting agency back yesterday and I recieved the e-mail last night. I'm supposed to read a scene they sent me from the script and sing the last part of "Good Morning Baltimore", and send in the tape. If they like me, I guess it would be on to L.A. from there to do cattle-calls and stuff. My mother already has my entire career planned out for me, and my dad thinks I'll go onto Broadway. I - meanwhile - am just flying by the seat of my pants. Oh, and I got accepted to BYU-I, though I'm still not sure if I'm going to go there (and I know Raage thinks I'm a dork for not saying absolutely that I'm going, but there are a lot of unknowns right now). But even if a miracle happens and I do make the movie, I figure I'll just go back to school after it's done. I'll just be the normal college Frosh who happened to make a major motion picture before her freshman year. Completely normal, right?

The only reason why I would want to get the role, besides the fun of doing it, would be so I could have all of college paid off.

So life is going really well for me right now. I got accepted at my two colleges of choice, I'm in the running for a lead role of a major motion picture with Queen Latifah and John Travolta, the show is going well and it's almost over, I've made it to state solo competition, my scholarship applications are done, I have awesome friends and a party to look forward to tonight, Spring Break is going to be awesome w/Janae, Raage, Nick, and now probably Yuki.

And it seems life is just flying by. I really just want to take a walk and talk with someone. I haven't done that in a long while. And I don't see it happening to soon either. Things have been happening so fast lately that I can't seem to follow them and keep all of them straight. Situations have come up that I really want to talk to someone about, to share my thoughts and see what they think, but there never seems to be time or the right circumstances. I know it'll happen eventually, and that things now probably don't matter in the long run, so why dwell on them, right?

I slept in today, and it felt so nice. Except I had a really strange dream. It was sort of complicated so I won't share it, but I think it had something to do with the book I'm reading, "Fire of Heaven". Which is actually quite a good book, despite the fact that there are 7 more that I have to read before I'm done with the series as it stands now. But I was creeped out by how it seemed to reflect on reality, and now I'm having a hard time differentiating what happened in my dream and what happened in real life.

That's the last time I take Niquil before I go to bed.

I like being spontaneous. And I like little kids that are willing to do anything for you. The Hokey-Pokey had to be the highlight of my day yesterday. I love acting like a little child, finding the joy in little things. Just how their faces light up when they see something simple, like a mud-puddle or rolling storm clouds. I think as we get older we take things for granted and see them as things to weigh us down. The sun rises every morning, meaning it's time to wake up and go about another day, not that Heavenly Father loves us and wants us to have light, the clouds mean rain and cold, not puddle-jumping and spring flowers. School means homework and sleep-deprivation, not seeing friends and obtaining knowledge. A butterfly is not to be noticed, not something to be stared at and smile to yourself at the beautiful wings. A leaf floating in the wind might mean a storm is coming, it's not something that makes you realize the awesome power that Heavenly Father has, or the beauty of the changing seasons.

I think that might be what they mean by being "child-like". Not just being humble and trusting and submissive, but being grateful for little things. It's the little wonders in life that will make you happy. And of course, some bigger ones will too. But you can't always have bigger ones, and sometimes the bigger things - like possibly making a movie - don't make you as happy as you think they would. Instead, happiness could be found in something as simple as taking a walk in the fall, just as the leaves start to turn.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Fainting made my underwear unhappy - Rebekah Whittaker

Ah, finally the fun of the musical starts! I still don't feel the pressure and excitement of coming up on opening night though. I think it's because I don't feel much besides pain and tiredness right now.

Okay, as for the reasons I feel pain: my arm was hurting today for some reason and my hand was shaking; I then went to practice, threw a guy's shot and a disc and a guy's Javelin (I asked Coach Brogden if I could throw a guys Javelin because I throw it farther than the girls, and he said I'd have to have a sex-change, and as I doubt that would happen before the end of Track season, I'm stuck with Apollus, whom I love dearly though) then went to rehersal where I caught Beckah a gajillian times (ha, gajillian buehler...happiness!), then had to catch and let Sam down a gajillian more times, then I tripped on my blanket - wiping out all over the stage, got kneed in the chest by a rather bony-teenage boy *cough, Sam, cough* and then I got stuck between Sam's legs and was pinned to the floor. And the last one was possibly the scariest experiance of my life. You try being pinned between Sam's open legs as a mass of girls pile on top of him. Not nice, I assure you. I think the exact thoughts running through my head went something like this "okay, let him down...wait...why am I between his legs? Ah crap, this is going to hurt!!" and then I bent myself in half.

It was good times, I promise you.

But today I was incredibly bi-polar. Like, more so than usual. I think it comes from being really tired. Which I am. So I think I'll end this post and take a shower and go to bed. Ah...bed...

On a food note, have you guys ever had Wheat Thins with tuna and cream cheese? It's some good stuff I tell you. We had a massive food orgy before we had to go onstage, and it was wonderful.

And for all those that don't know, I'm going to state for solo. It's exciting, and I'm hoping to be able to pull my German peice together, because it really is a GORGEOUS peice.

Alright, getting off.

Toodles!

-Jillian

I've sometimes wondered what the 10 commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Singing Time! I should have realized I was doomed when - in the very beginning of Primary - Noah (Raage's 12 yr. old brother) hears my name, recognizes who I am, and gets this smile on his face. Thats was it. I was going to fail.

Actually, it wasn't all that bad. Jr. Primary was a bit scarier than Sr. Primary. Hunter was a little pill, I'm glad I wasn't in charge of him. He's cute though, especially when he was chewing on his tie. There was this little boy who kept raising his hand for everything I asked, even when he had no idea what I was saying. They got a little rambunctious at the end - after all, there are only so many times you can sing "Follow the Prophet" without feeling completely bored; especially when you're 5.

Sr. Primary we talked more about Prophets like Adam and Noah. None of them knew about Enoch, which made me try and remember when I learned about him. We had a vocabulary lesson too. The only bad part when I felt like I didn't quite know what to do was when Adam was leading the group marching around the room and he took off running and some of the kids with shorter legs were getting tangled with the chairs because they couldn't go that fast. I just stood there and kept singing. That was my motto for the day. Just keep singing.

But yesterday was really fun, if slightly boring and long. And I think the world was out to get me too. I lost my Carmex five or six times, (oh, and for those that don't already know, I actually LOST my Carmex...meaning I don't know where it is. I misplaced it before I went to bed last night and had to go get my other one back from Raage because my lips were dying. *sigh* I think that Carmex just hated me...and I know Jeff and Mollie are probably laughing hysterically right now...), my pants kept trying to fall off, I had to run from the performance room to my singing time and was consequently out of breath when I started my ridiculously fast aria, I yanked my earing and caused myself great pain by doing so, ate Macaroni off an old-persons menu that made me nauseated, ate a DISGUSTINGLY huge waffle-cone that took me about an hour and a half to eat and also made me sick, lost my water-bottle somewhere in Hermiston High School, dribbled ice cream down my front, made my back hurt, and dented a car. Anything else? Mollie? Jeff? Isha? Did I leave anything out? I don't think so.

But there were some equally good things that happened too. Congratulations MaeLee and Bern for going to State! Me and Jeff and Mollie are all alternates, which is awesome, and Isha did well too. We didn't get to hear how Maegan did, since the phone cut out before we could tell, so I'll be able to know tomorrow. And I have to admit that everytime I hear "I'm Every Woman" I'm going to think of Jeff and the ride home. And every time I eat crepe's I'm going to think of Mollie nearly squirting milk out of her nose. And the whole "I'm going to be a lake" thing.

Good times, good times.

But I'm super excited for Spring Break! Everything's falling into place perfectly! And I know I'm incredibly stupid for getting this excited about going down to Salt Lake, but seriously, it should be sweet. Conference, AH! It's exciting!

And I'm really tired right now, which is weird since it's not even 8 yet. But I really want to go to bed and there's not anything stopping me besides the fact that I know I could be doing something right now, like homework or cleaning or knitting or reading or learning something interesting. But I'm too lazy. So I sit here and type about nothing.

Track is fun. The musical is coming along. Drama is constantly there, but I think that's a token part of High School. Sleep would be nice. So would eating food at a normal time or seeing my family in the light. But we do what we can.

Toodles!

-Jillian

It looked ugly...like a crushed Cheerio!

So, today's been interesting. Fun, but interesting. Well, sorta. Besides Meghan being a Kamikazee, the thing during lunch, flunking a Calculus test, realizing I'm completely unprepared for the Bio test on Friday because I always write notes to Meghan in that class, and Cletus being a complete PAIN (literally...) it was pretty good. We didn't even have to run the mile in P.E! Instead we watched some football movie. It was actually somewhat funny.

Oh! And I made two funny puns today. The first was directed towards Brittany Rasmussen. We were throwing Javelin's and she's being stupid and doing cartwheel's out in front of where me and Becka were throwing, and Becka's like "get out of the way unless you want to be run through with my Javelin!" and I was like "Yeah, because then you'd be Brittany Speared." And then we were talking about straight plays and musicals and I was like "Hm...if plays are straight, what does that make Musicals?"

Yeah, I thought they were funny. But I have a feeling I might be the only one.

Mr. Jacobson laughed at the musical joke though. Then I threw a Cheerio at him, which I later crushed.

A moment of silence for my lovely processed wheat circle with a slight honey flavor.

Alright, now that THAT'S over, I'm going to record an Ode I've written, for the sake of posterity. Oh, and for all the many guys who read my blog (ha...fat chance...) you might not want to read this. It might be all too shocking!

Ode to Cletus

-(to the tune of "Genovia" from the film "The Princess Diaries")

Oh uterus

I want to pull you out!

Oh uterus

Oh uterus!

When you hurt

I want to give a shout!

But I think I'm now going to write Mr. Jacobson a death threat signed by Cletus. I think he would enjoy that. And by he I mean Mr. Jacobson.

Oh, and speaking of naming. I think I'm going to name my javelin Apollus. I think maybe only Raage will know where I got that name from, but for the rest of you, it's because Becka told me I look like a Roman when I throw. How she knows how a Roman looks, I don't know, but I guess that's okay. I'm sure there are some pretty hot Romans out there. And again, Raage may be the only one knowing who/what I'm referring to.

Okay, so I'm incredibly tired, and my body's still sore, but I'm getting used to it. But I think I'll take a shower and go to bed. I'm supposed to go walking with Meghan tomorrow. But don't worry Beckah! You're still my 6 o'clock pre-work-out make-out partner! My one and only!

Toodles all!

-Jillian

If I give you one thought for a penny, even though it cost me a quarter, do you even notice? What's more, do you even care?

Wow...I'm a bundle of mixed emotions right now. Emotions that I can't write because they have to deal with someone outside of me, someone I'm not sure about. It tears me up! Why do I have to be so helpless? I'm so afraid, but what I feel doesn't compare to what they have to be feeling right now. I'm afraid for them, afraid that I won't be able to help them, afraid of what will happen, afraid that they'll self-destruct and I'll not be able to do anything. Or worse, that I'll be there and they'll want my help but I won't notice or I'll be too afraid to notice.

I can never trust myself. It seems that every time I trust my instincts and assume something, it turns the other way. Everything is so precarious, balancing on the edge of a knife. If I move one way it'll bring happiness, but if I move the other it will only bring sadness and despair to my life, as well as others. So instead I stand still, waiting for others to show me which way to move.

This is a bad choice. It leaves me vulnerable to others. Certain People have the ability to alter my mood with only a few words, and I hate that fact. Besides, I leave people unsure of my feelings. Which - surprisingly - I'm not unsure of a majority of the time. I'm just unsure of how to express them, or what would happen if I did.

And that brings me full circle. I don't know what to do. I know who to tell who would be able to do the things that I think someone should do, but I'm not sure if it's my place to do it. The fact is, I'm pretty sure it's not. So I'm stuck here, venting and talking in circles in a blog that no one will probably care to read.

Here's a poem that I found interesting. It made me think a lot, especially now that most of us are leaving High School moving on. It's obviously about someone who cares about someone else, but it could be taken so many ways; friends, romantic, parental, sibling, anything. Anyway, here it is:

Sculpted me
Changed me
Forced me out
Made me think
Made me better
This you’ve done for me

What have I done for you?
What have I done in return?

I look
I feel
I smile
I try
You don’t seem to notice

I’ve hidden it
Shown only a little
To you

I am bitter
I am open
Vulnerable

You are closed
Shut off from me

You’re perfect
You’re ideal
You’re interesting
You’re appealing
But you’re far away

Like a sunset on the horizon
Close, but untouchable

You’re the only one
I feel comfortable
Protected
Safe

Sometimes you feel so close
Sometimes I think you care
Others
You’re distant

And I’m commonplace

Isn't that sort of depressing? I guess I like depressing poetry then. Anyway, I guess what I'm getting at with this is, you never realize who you're helping. And that's what's driving me insane with this person that I was referring to before. They've helped me by hurting me, and now I want to help them by soothing them. I just don't know how. Agh! I hate not having control! Stupid Chaucer and being right! I just feel if I could help this person this once I'd make all the horrible things I've done to them better. Instead I'm sitting here, venting to a computer screen on a blog that no one will quite understand.

Anyway, I hope you all had a wonderful Sunday. See you tomorrow.

Toodles

-Jillian

Early to bed, early to rise, if that doesn't work, anything flies

That quote is from Raage, and I must say it's a good life motto.

So, I got home about a half hour ago. Yet again I was at the school from 7 in the morning until 8 at night. Honestly Raage, how did you do it last year? I now have a deeper respect for you brother. It's not so much the "being-in-one-place-forever" thing as it is "I-have-no-time-to-eat-food-so-I-have-no-energy" thing. I even ate a lot during lunch - well, a lot for me - and wasn't hungry until about 15 minutes into rehersal. Then I felt myself dragging. That started my whole "pep-talk" thing, which I think went over pretty well, since after that you could just feel everyone start trying more. They were asking for help and everything. Though I was about to kill Kasey Walker. I'm not joking, if I had a gun that kid would be dead and I might be in jail - if anyone cared enough to turn me in. Or if I had had enough energy to jump on stage and throttle him the same scenerio might have played out. And I know this is incredibly mean. He's really not that bad, but he just wouldn't SHUT UP! And I wouldn't have minded - because I know Isha's going to read that last sentence and get a smug little grin on her face ;) - if he just knew what the dances were, but for Spanish Rose he's right in the middle and he SUCKS!!! At least Tamson sucks in inconspicuous ways during that dance, and during Telephone Hour it works for his character. But Kasey? *sigh*

Ha, and if Meghan ever reads this - which I don't think she will because I don't even think she knows I have this blog - thanks for the whole Evylyn thing. And I know you noticed her get off the last time on the "Healthy, Normal American Boy" dance where she "was counting in her head" and knew she "was right." Ha

And this is what happens to me when I become sleep deprived. I become really sort of wicked. And it's not like these people are bad people or anything, because they're not and I can usually get along with them. But I'm just tired (and if Raage reads this he's probably thinking I'm a baby, since he was probably up as late as I was, but :P on you! Cletus is hurting.) It was bad today, seriously, during Calculus I passed out repeatedly. I was reading about logs and all of a sudden there were Aes Sedai in my head. Then I would have the realization that I was alseep and wake up.

Which might explain why I only vaguely remember what we learned about.

Alright, I think I'm going to get off and read and make chocolate chip cookies. But oh, one more thing that happened at rehersal. I now officially belong to Sam. He licked me. On the face.

What happened was we were dancing "Honestly Sincere" or rather, trying to since we all take our cues off of Beckah, including Sam, and she was gone. But when I realized this, I jumped off the stage and went to tell this to Jacobson. While I was talking to him, Sam did his whole "making girls pass out thing" and as I jump back on the stage I'm one of the only girls left standing. I cry "Ha! I'm immune to Conrad Birdie charm!" And he comes over to me with his Tommy Hilfiger underwear model face on, walks up to me - I'm expecting him to stop - and licks me on the side of the face! I screamed, because I honestly was not expecting it at all.

Okay, I'm getting off now. I was thinking about maybe calling some people up for a movie, but I've emerged in the tired part of my mood where I'm incredibly touchy and tactile. I would also like to reiterate how comforting and calming it is to be laying on someone's moving chest. Whenever I'm having a bad day that has to be one of the best things to make things better, along with a hold.

But now I'm really getting off topic. I'm going to go put cookies in the oven!

Toodles!

-Jillian

p.s. Raage, that's St. Mark's cathedral

"That beer-drinking hussy." -Sis. McCmoil in Young Women's

Hello! I like Sunday's. It's sort of weird though. Every Sunday I wake up I'm all apathetic and don't want to do anything besides lie around, and I feel all heavy and depressed inside. Then I manage to pull myself together to go to church. And I sit through Sacrament meeting, usually end up feeling a little better. Then there's Sunday School - if I go to it :S - which makes me a bit more chipper, and finally Young Women's. By then I'm usually feeling pretty dang good. Today was slightly different though, due to the fact that I'm slightly sick (I'm still debating who to blame it on, Raage, Beckah, my dad, Ms. Shannon, the list goes on...) and that I was an idiot and stayed up until 6 this morning.

Funny story about that though. I was pretty tired around 12:30, so I got off-line with the full intention of going to bed. Unfortunately, I remembered that I wanted to check Katelyn's blog before I went to bed as well as look at a lunar calendar. So I got back on MSN. I was about to leave again and go to bed when I looked at the "My Trip to Europe" scrapbook page that I had started before I began chatting and realized I wanted to finish it.

Around 4:oo I realized I had scrapbooked most of my trip to London and that...well, it was 4:00 in the morning. I was immediately grateful that I wasn't on the 9:00 church schedule. But I wasn't tired either. So I remembered that I had saved some stuff - maps and the like - from my Europe trip and had them up in my drawer. So I went up there and rooted through my stuff and found my journal from last year. I started reading it and basically re-lived my Junior year. Talk about interesting. And strange. I never realized how boy-crazy I was last year. Anyway, I was reading it and I stumbled on something I wrote during A.P. History that I thought was cool. It goes as follows:

It's weird because we just read "Imagine" by John Lennon and it talked about having no religion and no heaven or hell and saying that's the only way we'll ever live in peace and I had an epiphany. He was talking about social unrest and he was trying to pin his own unrest on something he feels is wrong, but truthfully, if he would just embrace it he would have inner peace. He's having all this turmoil and the only way he can think to be happy is to try and change the world to his thinking. Instead he could more simply change his own thinking while not necessarily depleting his values and find a peace that can't be interrupted by another persons actions or wishes. I can't help but wonder; if we all did imagine a world with no heaven, no hell, no nations, no war, no religion, if he would truly be happy. I don't think he would be. He'd probably still feel a certain emptiness that couldn't be filled. He'd try to blame it on something else more likely. He'd never feel that peace that he sought so much. It's sad really. He could've been happy if he had just stopped looking at what was wrong with the world and and instead paid attention to what was wrong inside of him. He was so busy trying to change the world he forgot to change himself.

I'll admit it seems a lot less profound at 5:30 on a Sunday afternoon as opposed to 5:30 Sunday morning. But the point remains - despite the fact that I couldn't explain myself so you probably didn't understand what I was trying to say anyway - that the fountain of happiness is within yourself. If you rely on other people to make you happy, you'll never reach it. You'll never truly be happy. Now, that's not to say we shouldn't try and make other people happy. Because we should. Because usually making someone else happy can help you be happy. But you can't always rely on people to cater to your emotions and moods. If you feel depressed you need to handle it yourself. If you need someone to talk to about it, talk about it. But realize that no one can make you happy besides yourself.

Anyway, I think I might get off soon and take a nap. Ten to one I'll be up insanely late tonight, because I'll take a nap around six or seven, wake up around nine or ten, then stay up all night...which will make Monday interesting. :-D

Toodles!

-Jillian

Yeah, I snorted my brownie. It's the quickest way to get the sugar into your system.

¡Hola mi amigos! ¿Como estas? ¡Mi cabeza es en muchos de dolor! Quiero dormir y ir a cama. Y leer mi libro. Es libro bueno. Pero, necesito dormir. Pienso mañana es el fin de semana, y no necesito dormir.

Anyway, that's over. And you know what's awesome? For the most part I didn't use a translator on that. Oopah! I just used it for the stupid upside down punctuations marks and stuff. And the swirly thing over the n. Anyway, I need to tell the story about my gothic day.

Yesterday was Single Awareness Day, more formally known as Valentines Day. Beckah and I decided to be daring and show just what we thought of the cupid and heart laden holiday. Monday night, we prepared. We used this black hair mousse stuff in our hair...only to have it not work. But we persevered! After one emergency trip to Rite-Aid and two boxes of semi-permanent black hair dye later, I was home again, inhaling spaghetti and getting my hair dyed. When I emerged from the shower, my hair was officially "Midnight". Beckah was sitting on a stool, her hair covered in a black slime. She gave me one black-nailed thumbs up as we exchanged looks of triumph. My parents quickly vowed to disown me, stating that my hair was ugly. I didn't care. I was riding high on the adrenaline of looking incredibly pasty.

The day dawned. I was psyched. Beckah came over, and an insane amount of black-eyeliner later, we were prepared. Think black lines streaked under our eyes, grey shadow covered our lids, two black tears streaked permanently down our cheeks, and - to tie it all together - black lips. After donning our completely black outfits - except for our blue and red chuck high-tops, of course - we left for school, smiling and waving at people as we drove by, church music blaring in my mini-van speakers.

As the day progressed, I realized I was unrecognizable. Very few people knew it was me. At least now I know if I ever witness a murder and go into the Wittness Protection program I can go goth and no one will know it's me.

The day ended well. It was a good day actually. I had a lot of fun with my friends, Beckah and I took some suh-weet pictures, and we got some awesome looks in the hallways. I'll probably post some pictures on here when I get them.

Except now I regret my silly impulsive hair attack. I'm not supposed to have black hair. As Raage put so tactfully "You look really white." I asked everyone if they knew what to do to take it out, but no one knows! Mollie said that even washing my hair twenty times a day wouldn't do that much good, but I'm going to try it anyway. I want it out.

I've decided I really like my friends. At least for the most part. ;) Life is treating me pretty well right now, at least if I don't sit and try and analyze my problems. I'm learning just to leave them alone. If others don't want to deal with them, I don't want to either. I'll just focus on the fun things that are happening to me.

Oh, speaking of something funny. We had mutual tonight and it was a combinted activity with both wards. It's always funny being around Nur, because all I hear from Raage is about how much Nur talks and how funny he is, but whenever I'm around the kid, he clams up and doesn't even make eye-contact with me, even when I talk to him. So we're in the gym tonight and most of the people have left. Nur got ditched there without a ride home because Raage was at work (the testosterone-driven pansy! (; ) and was waiting for Bro. Crews to stop talking with Dan so he could ask for a ride. He's sitting watching me do gymnastics for the girls because they get a strange kick out of it, and I see him sitting on the stage and I jump over there and sit by him and I'm all "So do I intimidate you or something?" and he's all "What?" in a very young teenage boy sort of way. I explain of course and he's like "No, you're just scary."

Anyway, I thought it was funny.

I think I may get off and go to sleep. Even though the moon is seriously calling to me. It has been for the past few days. It's just gigantically bright and tempting! I want to go run outside barefoot, through a field. Unfortunately, my feet would be frozen by the time I was out there for even a few seconds.

Alright, going to bed. Well, actually, probably eat some food, do some Bio, maybe read a litte. Anyway, I love you all! Good luck Raage, even though now that I've typed it I realize you're not going to read it before you leave and DO NOT cut your hair unless you really want to see me cry. Seriously. Drive safely Beckah, don't go too spend crazy in Boise. Mollie, I love you. Jeff, I love your hair. What else can I say?

Toodles!

-Jillian

He gave me eyes to speak, to see beyond the words, to understand, to discover...

Okay, I know I just barely posted last night and there hasn't been enough time for people to read it, so you can read it if you want, but there was a story that we read in Young Women's that I have to post. Honestly, this story - and Young Women's in general - made my birthday.

In the beginning – but not really the beginning, only a moment in the span of existence that is always – I learned of a plan of my Heavenly Father for me and my spirit brothers and sister. Himself exalted and perfected and holy, our beloved Father wanted us to have a chance to follow his path. His firstborn, our elder Brother Jesus, would organize a world where we could live and grow and learn to love and truly care. It would be a difficult experience in a world of imperfect men and irrevocable law, and we must choose if we would follow him.

And so I said “Yes” and I waited for my turn.

Jesus set about making a world for me and you, the Father’s children. And one day I left a place I cannot remember now to come here, to begin the union of my life with the earth.

In the hazy brightness that is childhood, there was the first recognition of beauty – the smell of eucalyptus, the first encounters with the sea and sun and sand, and fog – wet droplets on my face, a bee, flowers, and the cypress trees bent strangely by the winds.

And as I grew, so the world became more marvelous; and deep inside began the warm, sweet pain that is earth-love.

Jesus made light that falls soft and silvery at night and makes shadow patterns in the wind – light, golden-blue, and gentle in the days of spring sun – and light that spreads its colors first faintly red to orange to golden, to dispel the blue-black that’s night – sunrise. And I have eyes to see.

And he made me wind to rustle softly through a thousand leaves, glistening silver-slippery water to sing and stumble on its way to the sea, and birds to fill the morning air with soft flute-tones. And I have ears to hear.

He made hands to touch in the bright warmth that is “How are you?” or “I will help” or “I begin to love you”; and eyes to speak, to see beyond the words, to understand, to discover.

He gave me a heart that sees and hears and feels the earth he made, and deep within me earth-love swells to overflowing. He gave me tears of joy to shed.

You have these things too. They are gifts – blessings beyond our ability to receive.

And someday when I have seen Jesus again and my Father has welcomed me back, I hope, with my mate, to be able to begin the direction of a world like this. And our children will turn in the cold sweetness of morning light to heavens of their earth with eyes that glisten with tears born of earth-love to say, “Thank you Father.”

I think I'm going to leave this one up for a while, because I really like it. I was going to post a bunch of other things, like a list of things that I want - I figured since it was my birthday it would be appropriate, especially since some of you have been asking what I wanted for my birthday - but after reading this I realized it didn't matter all that much. Most of them were jokes anyway, some were complaints, others actual needs. Now it seems that it really doesn't matter.

I hope everyone had an awesome Sunday.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Ostracization!!!

I know ostracization is not a word. It should be though. I'm now officially declaring it to be a word. So there.

I just came back from the dance. It was weird. The whole past few days have been weird, and I would like to officially apologize to those I've been hanging out with. I don't know why, but I've been completely lethargic and lackadasical the past few days. I've just been feeling really mellow and not hyper. I could just zone for a majority of time, and sometimes when there are a bunch of loud, hyper people around me I get really irritated. I'm not sure what's up exactly, but it's driving me crazy. Like, my ideal would be to sit somewhere with someone and just have a mellow but thought-provoking conversation. We wouldn't have to talk all the time, but it wouldn't be awkward silence. And trust me, wanting this is kind of weird for me. Usually I'm the kind of person that's very "let's have a huge party and get no sleep and run around and do stupid things and have twenty people around and I'll be the center of all the attention!" Not so much right now. I wish I knew how to fix it, or at least be able to snap out of it during certain times. Because I felt so bad at the dance tonight. There were so many times when I could have done things or said things that would have made the night better, but I just didn't care enough or have the energy to do it.

Maybe I just need food.

I really wanna sleep right now. Tomorrow's my birthday. Yeah. Basically that's it. I'll be 18. Can buy things I couldn't before. Whoopie. Though I guess I can't, because Sam hasn't given me money yet. I want to speak Spanish. I want to play guitar. I want to learn everything. I must know everyone, and everything about certain people.

I'm going to eat food and go to sleep.

Toodles

-Jillian

It's called friendship...it's like therapy for poor people.

Hello again Mi Frijolos! And yeah, for all that speak Spanish, I know that makes zero sense. It's a fun inside joke thingy from the...what, ninth grade is it Mollie? Those were good times. Anyway, thinking about the ninth grade has pushed me on another "Jimmy Eat World" fettish...ha...Tamson..."I have a fettish, with girls...who brush their teeth." That has to be one of those "you have to be there things", along with the thing about Ms. Looney. "Yeah, there's more Tamson where that comes from." Aaaaah, sometimes rehersal isn't all that bad...namely when you're hiding behind stage. Those are the good times.

Anyway, the whole point of this blog thing. It's kind of to let off some strange emotions I've been feeling lately. Not so much emotions really, just thoughts. I've been in a peculiarly thoughtful mood lately. Pensive. It's a good word to describe it. It's not like the mood has been bad. It's just be interesting. It's forced me to look at some things that I've done and things that've happened to me, even way back when I was six or seven. It's like I'm finally learning from the experiances I've had.

Anyway, off that tangent and onto what I was actually going to write and say. Here's what it is: It's like I'm caught in this invisible tug-of-war with my friends lately. As Jeff and I discussed in a conversation one night, it's like you fit in more than one group or clique, but don't really belong in any or either. It's a strange feeling. It's interesting though. It's especially interesting now that my parents are asking what I want to do for a birthday party. I have so many groups of friends that would mix about as well as oil and water. But at the same time I can't just be like "Um, I pick you and you and you, but not you" and leave out some people. That would make me really sad inside because I hate it when people do that to others.

Any one have any suggestions? Basically, my idea is to have some random type of get-together after the basketball game - probably going to Denny's and getting hot cocoa, because I haven't done that for a really long time with a group of friends and I'm feeling that need - and then some girls spending the night. And then the dance on Saturday of course, which makes me super excited - even if it is a Valentines Day Dance.

I just want a happy, semi-calm but still fun group to come together and have fun. No wrestling this time. Which is weird, coming from me, I know. Oh well. Any ideas? Any? At all? Please?

Anyway, I think I enjoy having lyrics on my blog, so here's the one for today. It's "My Sundown" from Jimmy Eat World (see above in blog). Some of the lyrics are taken out because it's repetitive, but I think it's a cool song.

I see it around me, I see it in everything.

I could be so much more than this.

I said my goodbye's

this is my sundown.

I'm gonna be so much more than this.

With one hand high,

you'll show them your progress.

You'll take your time,

but no one cares.

No one cares.

I need you to show me the way from crazy.

I wanna be so much more than this.

Icould be so much more than this.

No one cares.

I wanna be so much more than this.

So I think I'm going to go practice guitar now. Guitar makes me happy. :-D

Toodles!

-Jillian

Change...

I think I'm breaking out

I'm gonna leave you now

There's nothing for me here, it's all the same

And even though I know

That everything might go

Go downhill from here,

I'm not afraid

Way away, away from here I'll be

Way away, away so you can see

How it feels to be alone and not believe

Feels to be alone and not believe

Anything

You can't stop me now

You can't hold me down

You can't keep me here, I'm on my way

I made it this far now

And I'm not burning out

No matter what you say, I'm not afraid

Way away, away from here I'll be

Way away, away so you can see

How it feels to be alone and not believe

Feels to be alone and not believe

Anything

Letting out the noise inside of me

Every window pane is shattering

Cutting off my words before I speak

Cutting off my words

This is how it feels to not believe

Letting out the noise inside of me

Every window pane is shattering

Cutting off my words before I speak

Cutting off my words

This is how it feels to not believe

Way away, away from here I'll be

Way away, away so you can see

How it feels to be alone and not believe

Feels to be alone and not believe

Anything

So, I've come to the conclusion that my biggest fear might be change. I can't quite explain it. Most of my friends have the attitude that change happens and there's nothing you can do about it. Unfortunately, I'm too uptight to think that way. Well, at least some of the time. Some change I can take, happily. Like changing your hair. Little changes are okay, like changes in class schedules. Yeah, I miss talking to Raage before 4th and seeing Brandon during 2nd and talking to Jackie and Larissa during 1st, but I like walking with Meghan to 5th and seeing Brandon after fourth and meeting up with Larissa everynow and then to remember the good old days in 1st period Spanish. Those are the okay kind of changes. That's cool. But when the change comes like moving further away from friends or stuff like that...I hate that kind of change. The mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. I'm probably overly-paranoid about all of it, and that paranoia might actually accelerate the change, therefore bringing about the sadness that comes whenever a change occurs. So it's pointless to worry about it, I should just let it happen, but I can't seem to. It's always there, like something just out of the corner of your eye. You can't focus on it or see it, but you know it's there.

And this is what goes on in my mind when I'm left alone for too long.

Anyway, life is pretty good right now. Except for one small blip on the radar, this week has gone pretty well. Not as good as last week though. Man, last week was amazing. I'm planning on making this week as good though.

So church today was very good. Despite the random tangents about Unicorns and Mermaids - though that imagine of a fish eating a person still makes me giggle - I got a lot out of the Sunday School lesson, and the lesson in Young Women's too. It's funny, because the things I'm most afraid of and the things I'm looking forward to the least are the things that we seem to talk about in church and Seminary. Well, maybe not that things I look forward to the least, but definitely the things I need the most.

I have the hardest time letting people know how grateful I am to them. I think I may attempt writing letters to certain people, but at the same time there's always a certain fear there that if I tell them how I feel about them they're going to be like "wow, this girl's creepy" and think I'm all stalker-esque and stuff, which would make friendships slightly awkward. Just slightly of course. So yeah, there's my dilemma. Anyway, for now I'll just say to all my friends that are reading this blog, thanks for being there despite my bi-polar moments and my close-mindedness and my inability to see things from your point of view. You guys are awesome and I don't know what I would do without you.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Love is not to be confused with adhesive tape

Aaaaah, good memories! I still haven't sent this out to anyone yet, but I love these pictures anyway. The best one is of Ben, Logan, and I think Steven. Ben is Nancy Drew.

So I just got back from baby-sitting. The kids were freaking adorable and half-Romanian actually. The youngest one - Tavi (short for Octavian) - looked like the classic Eastern European. He had this huge brown eyes and pale long face that just looked naturally melancholy. Even Anika looked like that, though she was smiling almost the entire time - not to mention bouncing off the walls. But yeah, it was fun. Especially with the whole "chocoalte at Safeway" thing. And of course, Ethan Andrew Jacobson was just plain adorable. I still can't decide if he's an ugly baby or insanely cute.

My life is somewhat boring right now. I haven't offically "hung-out" with anyone in the longest time. Don't get me wrong, I see them all the time, but never to just be with them and do something fun. Maybe I can start doing stuff...except probably not. When I don't have rehersal they're busy with something else. Our schedules just don't mesh.

Sad.

I've officially finished applying for BYU-I scholarships. Halelujah! That free's up a lot of time...not to mention takes off a lot of stress. Now I can stress about Bio and other fun stuff...like Calculus. *sigh* I wish I understood math. It's...but that's not important.

There's this really cool song I know and have been wanting to post it on here, but my format has been retarded on here so I haven't been able to write it down.

But I've got to go. I must go clean my room! And probably go to bed soon, since I'm going to church at 9 tomorrow.

I hope you guys - meaning MaeLee and Maegan and Jeff...maybe... - had an awesome time at All-State!

Toodles!

-Jillian

It's another obvious attempt on our lives. We have been saved only by the fact that I am enormously well-bred.

I feel so sick right now. It's not even cool. It's the weird feeling you get when you've done too many sit-ups and your abs are tight across your stomach, except I keep having stomach cramps too. I ended up having to leave church during sacrament meeting because I was feeling like pooh. It also doesn't help that I have the sniffles and sneezes and stuffy nose too...and if I finished this sentance correctly, I would sound like Dr. Suess. Ha...ha ha ha...anyway, everytime I sneeze or cough it just makes my stomach hurt even worse.

I ended up working on scholarship applications for BYU-I. I have most of the stuff ready, I just need to video-tape the actual audition. Except I need to find a theatre peice, but it shouldn't be that hard. And, once I get my EOU transcript sent in and pay the fee I have officially applied.

Why can't applying to college be easy? Just click once, and you're done?

Anyway, yesterday was fun, beside the whole feeling sick most of the time thing. I went over to the Scheonfelders and played around with Jackie until the game at three, watched it with MaeLee and Maegan (good job Jared! It was sweet, as were your shoes!), B.S.ed with Maegan and a little while with Raage, then watched the Varsity game (again, good going Jared!), then went home. Jackie called me up later to see if I wanted to do something, but I was feeling like crap, so decided not too. Though I am slightly peturbed that Raage took my guitar paper. I really wanted to work on it last night. And after all that crap with stealing stuff he makes off with it...*shakes head*

Hm...anything else interesting going on in my life? Not really. New classes start tomorrow. I have first with Raage and Jeff, second with Katleyn, third with...well, everyone, fourth with Dan, Isha, Meghan, Sam, etc, etc, etc...and then fifth with Beckah and Raage and probably a bunch of other people like Reed who managed to make it through the painstaking process of the La Grande High School math system.

My fingers are freezing. Mayhaps it's from typing. Or perhaps it's because I've spent the last few hours knitting. And watching some pretty good T.V. I watched this thing on the "Bible Code" where people are trying to figure out the hidden code in the Torah, and then there was this thing on the discovery Heath channel about people who inherit two complete sets of DNA. It was sweet. Now we're watching "Murder by Death" which my dad claims is the origional "Clue"

Anyhoo, I think I'm going to go now, and read some more of "Dragon Reborn" I've managed to read 450 pages of it - during finals week. How amazing am I? Anyhoo, I need to finish it and get it back to Raage before I damage it and feel completely wretched.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Sure, I may look asleep, but underneath this apathetic exterior I’m as alert as a gazelle.

This title completely describes this week. Except I wasn't as alert as a gazelle. Not by a far shot.

Anyway, I just got back from the Scheonfelders. It was fun. I hung out with Meghan and Jackie and a German exchange student from Germany...I mean Union. Obviously if she's a German exchange student she's from Union...I mean Germany. GAH! Ohmigosh, flashbacks to A.P. Comp today. I tried to write "sinus infection" and it came out "science competition." Man...I was having huge issues today. At least when it comes to communicating my ideas. What else happened today? I turned my Senior pictures in. Went to rehersal. Resisted the urge to dive tackle people and hug them. About passed out three or four times. Experianced vertigo several times. Ooh, and I got angry once, but what are you gonna do? I'll blame it on my lack of zzzz's.

Which reminds me that I need to get my Eastern transcript. And the odd thing is, talking about lacking sleep actually made me think of my transcript.

I think I might eat dinner. I had some Ramen before rehersal - which was fun because I was so unable to focus on anything...I think I messed up on every song, not to mention it was embarrassing having Mr. Jacobson pull me out in front of everyone, but that's a different story - but now I'm hungry again. I did steal some of Meghan's spaghetti...you know, I really don't like that word...spaghetti...actually, I do, it's just confusing to spell at times. I hate writing notes when I'm tired. I tried to write guillotine today and I couldn't do it. Raage - who I was writing the note to - had to tell me how to spell it. How sad is that? *shakes head* I'm pitiful, I swear.

Okay, leaving now.

Oh, one more quick announcement. 1ST SEMESTER AND FINALS ARE OVER! HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!

Toodles everyone!

-Jillian

Hello, my name is Alatáriël Nénharma, or, in flobbit land, Myrtle Sandybanks

Yes, I was trying to translate Latin and managed to stumble upon an elvish name translator that also linked to a hobbit name-translator.

It's the little things in life...

Anyway, I need to talk to Raage about the stupid essay. I would have done it today, but he looked like if I walked through the door at Exxon, he and his dad both would chop my head off. Or rather, he would chop my head off and his dad wouldn't stop him. Which, personally, I don't thinkthat's an enjoyable way to spend a Sunday evening.

I wonder if he would have used one of the Exxon squeegies to decapitate me. I think that would be slightly painful. Like on Harry Potter, how that one dude got his head chopped off with a blunt ax.

So I'm really tired. It's aggravating, really, because I seem to get enough sleep, but I'm always tired. Like, REALLY tired. It makes me angry. For instance, it's gotten to the fact that once I sit down I never want to get up again. For example, last night and today during church numerous times. And right now, the only reason I'm still rambling is because I'm too lazy to get off my duff and go to bed.

Oh, congratulations Baxter, on your new glasses. I look forward to seeing you in them. Or seeing them on you. Whatever is grammatically correct. Which reminds me, I should study for my finals. See, if I get A's on all of them, it will help my GPA. If I get B's or lower on them, it will lower my GPA. It's a rather precarious situations I've gotten myself into. I hate myself for it, but what are you going to do?

Do you think it's possible to have seasonal depression as a teenager? If so, I am totally moving somewhere where it's sunny 300 days out of the year. I don't care if it's a desert. I'm willing to live in excrutiating heat as long as I don't hit the winter blues like I have for the past few years.

You know, I hate having this whole "sense of trust" thing going on. The fact that I never feel like I can share peoples conversations or anything that they've said to me really dampers my conversations. It also doesn't help how people have emotional connections to other people, which hinders the whole "open discussion" thing anyway. Jeesh. Who invented emotions anyway? They're so pointless!

I'm feeling slightly goofy.

And I think I should sign off now, because I'm trying to instante message two people right now, and they won't leave me alone!

Ha...two guys won't stop talking to me. What's a girl to do?

Toodles!

-Jillian

If I'm so smart, tell me, why am I still so afraid?

So, yeah. There's so much going on in my head right now. I just want to scream and run away and beat someone up and cry and talk to someone. But I can't. I won't let myself. Why won't I let myself do what I want and what I need? Because, I can't stand to let anyone know I'm dependant on them. I'm so afraid that if I do it'll just...why am I like this?! I want to go talk but I know I won't let myself. I've tried so hard to get to the point I'm at right now and now all I want is to go back. I hate fighting with myself. That's all I seem to do. I want to talk, but I don't want them to know, they figure it out and then I clam up even though I'm crying to say what I want, I can't. I get so stuck in a mode that I can't get out of it.

I hate myself. I hate myself and I hate everyone else too.