So, yeah. There's so much going on in my head right now. I just want to scream and run away and beat someone up and cry and talk to someone. But I can't. I won't let myself. Why won't I let myself do what I want and what I need? Because, I can't stand to let anyone know I'm dependant on them. I'm so afraid that if I do it'll just...why am I like this?! I want to go talk but I know I won't let myself. I've tried so hard to get to the point I'm at right now and now all I want is to go back. I hate fighting with myself. That's all I seem to do. I want to talk, but I don't want them to know, they figure it out and then I clam up even though I'm crying to say what I want, I can't. I get so stuck in a mode that I can't get out of it.
I hate myself. I hate myself and I hate everyone else too.
3 comments:
Don't hate yourself. You don't deserve it. Have you ever tried writing letters to people when you want to talk? I know that's pretty common, but it's even better to write them and then light the letter on fire. That way you have everything out of your system and it usually gets a little more straightened out through writing. And then it gets totally destroyed, and can't be restored and used to hurt someone. PLUS, it means you get to play with fire. Which is probably the best part. Or you could get a punching bag. Or a carton of eggs, and then you can throw them as hard as you can on the pavement or into the sink. Or you could have a one-girl dance party. Or you could learn how to play the drums. Or you could get down on your knees and tell everything to your Heavenly Father. Or you could remember that there's this girl in Rexburg, ID who's thinking of you. Or any combination of the above. Hugs, Jill.
yeah...sorry I can't help. I've not been a very good friend and I just wanted to say sorry. hope it gets better with time.
-isha
hey jill if u need to talk to someone that probably wont try to give u advice cuz they dont know half the people ur talking about but TOTALLY understands what ur going through and lives about 1500 miles away... im always open!
just remember: doubt not, fear not.
and if u ever feel like you're not important... imagine how your friends would feel if you just dissappeared, or if they dissappeared.
sometimes its just worth it to take a step back and see how u influence people. i got stuck in that mode for a long time and it took me to a place i never wanted to be in.
just remember there are those who love you!
~cate<3<3<3
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