Expressions

This...has been an odd week for me. I don't know how else to describe it. I find I describe things better in words when my brain if functioning on sleep and that I can describe my emotions and feelings better through music and drawing when I'm tired. And as I'm running on 10 hours of sleep for the past 2 days, I choose this picture:

I drew it yesterday while I was soaking up some sunlight on rape hill. It was such an awesome experience.

And now it's snowing. What. The hell.

I hate when I can't express myself through words. To me that's the epitome of frustration, when you can't explain something adequately because the words don't exist, or - even worse - you don't know exactly what you're trying to express.

I guess that's really what my problem was growing up and the one I continue to struggle with today. I have so many people around me who are able and more than willing to listen to my problems but I've always felt afraid to burden them with my troubles or express an vulnerable emotion to them.

Except now I'm wondering if it isn't the fear of being a burden or exposing myself so openly to someone as it is I don't know how to verbalize my feelings. When people ask what's wrong, I don't think they realize I give them an accurate response most of the time when I say I don't know.

I'm a fairly independent person. I try not to attatch myself too horribly strong to any one person and I can get myself out of almost any situation I get myself into. I know how to get things done.

That being said, I need advice and opinions and people in my life. I have to talk through my feelings and thoughts to understandy why I am the way I am and feel the way I feel. I can sometimes achieve that through writing - hence the blog and journal I keep with me at all times - but sometimes writing just doesn't cut it. Sometimes I need someone to ask me the questions I'm afraid to ask myself or to take what I'm saying and peice it together for me because I'm too close to the situation and emotions to understand it all. Sometimes I just need someone who'll sit with me and hold my hand or play with my hair while I struggle to discover things for myself.

And that's why I don't do that very often with people. When they ask what's wrong and what they can do to help I don't think they realize exactly how much they'd be in for if I took them up on their offer. This isn't to say that none of them would be up for it. I think most of my close friends and family would be fine playing psychiatrist to me, at least every once and a while. It's just that sometimes it's neither the time nor the place for a long winded psychological evaluation.

That being said, I took an interesting surve today on how my 'social needs' are being met by BYU. Ad I realized they're not. And maybe it's because I don't allow it too or maybe I allow my prejudices to blind me to the potential of my fellow students. But it's just sometimes I can't help but feel that the average BYU student doesn't look beyond what social events they're planning on attending for the evening or if their boyfriend of two weeks is going to propose.

Like today, we finished a service project and were hanging out at one of the guys' apartments eating the refreshments and two of the roommates started talking. The synopsis of the story is one of the guys went on a date last night with girl 1 and was supposed to go on a date tonight with girl 2, but girl 2 ditched on him. So the other roommate was like "dude...ask girl 3" (obviously, he used a name, I just can't remember it right now) and the first guy was like "Oh...yeah...I like her. Will you put in a good word for me?" and thus continued the conversation.

It was weird for me. And I don't know why it bothers me. Actually, yes, I think I do. BYU gets a bum wrap for being a school all about finding an eternal partner and forming eternal units and being a light to all the other people in the world with our familial stability and intellectual correctness. And you know what, I can understand that. Surely there are those who go here who don't have the mindset of "Oh no, I'm graduating from BYU in a year and I'm not married yet, what am I going to do?" but we tend to blend more into the background.

I'm sure there are those who actually think about political and social issues and decide what they believe instead of just assuming every word coming from the mouths of professors or the Daily Universe or other political pundits. But again, when you feel like a minority in an incredibly homogenous group of people it's easier to find a social network that's not sponsered by BYU. Which is why, in my free time (all 7 hours of it that I have a week) you'll find me hanging out with my gays or up in Salt Lake discussing politics, relationships and life outside of college with my girls at a brewery. It's just that whenever I attend BYU functions I feel so...ostracized and contaminated at the same time.

But I suppose this is hypocritical of me. I'm judging these people and I don't know them. It just weirds me out when people start a conversation with me by asking the same standard questions: What's your major? Are you dating anyone? How serious is it? What does he do? (and you know they ask that because they want to know if his profession will help support a family). I try and keep those conversations as superficial as possible (because that's what you do at Ward functions, form superficial relationships where you're always happy to see the people) and avoid making any political comments or talking about my actual feelings on relationships. I just smile and nod a lot. Oh, and comment on their clothes and shoes. And their hair too. That much back-combing takes time and effort. You just try not to stir the pot.

So yes, that stereotype of BYU exists and it survives and thrives because the students allow it and perpetuate it!

There must be a reason why I'm at BYU. I just have to figure it out.

Toodles.

-Jillian