Emotionally Hungover...

Happy is the heart that still feels pain
Darkness drains and light will come again
Swing open your chest and let it in
Just let the love, love, love begin...

It's funny. At BYU I encounter a lot of people who force themselves into feeling more for people than they do just because they're so in love with the idea of being in love.

I'm the opposite.

I often talk myself OUT of caring for people. I'm actually quite good at it. I self-destruct usually a week or two after I realize feelings are reciprocated, showing them my insane side, finding any possible flaw or problem and exacerbating it until I convince myself and the other person that it's just not supposed to work out.

This is a hard thing to do, believe it or not. I do it to defend myself from possible hurt, but by the time I do this I've already developed feelings for the person so alienating them is actually painful to me. But I tell myself that this was going to happen eventually so it was probably better that it happened when I was less attatched than more.

Logical, yes?

And completely insane and masochistic.

I'm on an Ingrid Michaelson trip right now (hence the above lyrics) and I feel this describes me well:

She says you're a masochist for falling for me
So roll-up your sleeves...
And I think that I like her
Because she tells me things I don't want to hear
Medicinal tongue in my ear

When will it stop, when will it stop?

When will I feel all soft on the inside?

You say my skin feels like nobody else's
Like it's different somehow
But I don't understand
Isn't a hand just a hand?

When will it start, my broken part?

When will I feel all soft on the inside?

She says you're a masochist for falling for me...

I don't want anyone to suppose I do this for the specific purpose of protecting myself, though that is a large part of it. I've been exposed to a culture where people believe themselves to be in love easily and make decisions - BIG decisions - based on those simple feelings. I suppose in my mind if I put those feelings to the test and break them before they become too strong I'll be able to make sure I never have to turn to someone and tell them I'm out of love with them because I didn't understand what love was. Tell them I lied to them and led them on and oh, so sorry.

I tend to be a little gung-ho about this. Hence why I feel that anyone who develops feelings for me is a masochist. I'll be hot one minute and cold the next, be the most doting girlfriend in one conversation and then smash them to the wall five minutes later.

The real questions is, I suppose, what do I actually want? Behind all these habits and defenses, what are my actual desires? I guess I'm still figuring those out.

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
And what if I'm not what you think I am?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win?
And chase you with a rolling pin?
Well, what if I do?

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up...