I'm going completely insane right now...;Jeffrey

I love coming back from night's with friends where my abs hurt from laughing so much. It's a great feeling that I plan on experiencing more often - like tomorrow night. That should be soon enough. :D

Anyway, there are a lot of thoughts flying through my head; it's sort of like a tossed salad in there. I've been observing and pondering life, and especially watching people a lot more lately. It's so weird to think that there are billions of us on this earth, and while we only come in contact with a fraction of them in our lifetime, we're only a few relationships away from every single person on this planet. And every single person has a story. I don't remember the first time I heard it. I think it was in Non-Fiction writing, but I know I'd thought of it before that.

We get so wrapped up in ourselves, our own problems. Half the time we don't even realize that others are crying out for us or that others care. If that "one person" we want to notice us doesn't, then we must be doing something wrong and no one notices us and we're not worth noticing. We never stop to think of the people who think of us as that "one person." or even the people who just appreciate you and love the fact that you're there. It's like that one saying "To the world you may be one person, but to one person, you may be the world."

Relationships are interesting things. What is a relationship exactly? Whenever you hear it, you usually assume that it means a romantic relationship, but it's not always. For instance, I can say "the relationship between me and Bob is completely platonic" and I'm obviously not referring to a romantic relationship. People say that money makes the world go 'round, and while that's true, I think relationships do as well.

I made the comment today that love is a horrible thing. And then somebody made a comment back to me that made so much sense that I wondered why I hadn't heard it before. He said "no, love is wonderful, it's people and the games they play that are horrible."

I play games. I'll admit it. But I don't want to anymore. I want to hug someone because I want to hug them, not because I want them to think I like them or because I know they won't think it's weird. I don't want to play games. I don't want to feel guilty or jealous watching people flirt. I don't want to feel territorial of my friends. I just want to feel...normal? Untwisted. Because that's how I feel when I play these games, twisted. There are so many good people out there who don't need any more issues. I don't want to hurt people (well, sometimes I do, but I shouldn't) or get hurt. I'm tired of trying to be anylitical and reading into what people say and don't say.

I think most of us have hit a...I don't want to call it a wall, but I can't figure out what I want to call it. How about a semi-permeable barrier? Whatever it is, we went through it without realizing the depth of what it meant to pass onto one side, probably without realizing we had passed through, and now we're stuck there. I guess this is what growing up is like.

I want to live for the moment again. I want to take someone to breakfast randomly. I want to be with people without feeling self-conscious. I want to rule the world. I want to find and be myself. I want to find the Savior. I want do to what Heavenly Father has planned for me.

-Jillian