I had some cool experiences today. If someone asked what I did today it would be simple: I went down to Ontario for a Dr.'s appointment. But man, it's such a cool feeling to be driving along, wrapped up in yourself, and to look out the window and say "wow...this world is a gorgeous place. Thank you Heavenly Fathe." But what's beautiful and awe inspiring enough between here and Ontario to startle me from a good book? Everything. The day is cold and wet and gray and - so most people would think - completely depressing. But right now I'm looking out the window in my bedroom and watching the townlights twinkle on as darkness settles while a thick storm cloud shrouds the white top of Mt. Emily, and I realize what a beautiful world I've been blessed to live in.
Contentment is an interesting feeling. It's not a feeling of overwhelming joy, it's not passion. It's not exhilerating or invigorating. It just is. Like me. I am.
Being is not a bad thing. In fact, I think it's probably a better mindset than the one I've been in lately. I've gotten myself into some destructive habits lately. I've become "addicted" to people and activities that I shouldn't be obsessed with. Not that I've picked up a cigarette or gone anywhere near beer. I was sent a cool quote through my e-mail the other day that started me thinking on what, exactly, could be constituted as an addiction.
"...Curiosityand peer pressure are selfish reasons to dabble with addictive substances.We should stop and consider the full consequences, not just to ourselves and our futures, but also to our loved ones..."
So I began thinking, what is an addictive substance? Automatically beer and cigarettes, pornography and gambling came to mind. But what about dating? What about flirting and kissing, and work, attention, the opposite sex, cuddling, friends, yourself? Can't all these things become addictions? Can't all of these become obsessions?
I once heard someone liken people unto a bicycle wheel; there are spokes for everything. You have your spoke for church, your spoke for friends, school, work, spirituality, etc. A perfectly balanced person has all the spokes even and balanced (note: if we weren't living in the world and didn't have to make a living to survive, the spokes wouldn't have to be even. Unfortunately, we do, so we're screwed) so that the wheel rolls smoothly. Problems come in life when one spoke because too long, leaving one or two other spokes coming up too short. This isn't to say that there aren't times in life when spokes shouldn't be uneven. For example, while on a mission or preparing for one, they should be uneven. But right now, they all need to be balanced.
I guess what I'm saying is that, right now, I'm sawing off certain spokes and trying to meld them onto others to achieve more balance. It's an interesting and hard and sometimes I think I'm messing everything up and I want to give up and stop trying. But I can't. I've had a few of those moments, but I guess I'm becoming stronger, because I'm feeling content. It's a shaky sort of contentment, one that can be jostled like the last brown leaf hanging onto a bare branch in a November storm, but I'm content. I'm content. Now, contentment is not a way of saying I'm giving up and not trying to improve anymore. No way. I have so much to improve on. I see some of my weaknesses now, and instead of feeling overwhelmed I feel inspired.
I want to be the best that I can. I know I need help from others - I'm a firm believer that Heavenly Father places certain people where they are so they can be instruments in his hands - but I know now that I can't rely on others for everything in my life.
I suppose I really am growing up. And you know what? It's not that bad.
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
-Ether 12:27
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