We were both young when I first saw you...

I'm sitting at work, yet again, munching on Doritos. So yes, I am one of those annoying telemarketers that eat when they're on the phone. Though I'll have you know that I stop chewing when I'm actually talking to someone. I'm not that tacky.

So, as to pondering on relationships. I don't know how I feel about them exactly. I remember a time where the idea of being alone my entire life scared me. I hated the idea of not having someone with me, to call my own. Blame it on the fact that I was constantly surrounded by people growing up, but the idea of living in a house by myself and having to go to the grocery store by myself and not having anyone there when I come home at night scared me. I've come to terms with that fear now, and the idea of being alone isn't an enjoyable one, but it's not one that causes me to have nervous fits and not be able to sleep at night. I can even go to the store by myself now!

One of my friends and I have been talking a lot about our relationships with people, both romantic and otherwise. I've come to the realization that I'm the kind of person who deeply connects with a few people and keeps most other people at arms length. I also don't go out of my way to make those connections with people unless there's someone specifically who interests me.

I miss liking someone. It's a fact. Not that liking someone and not having them like you back or liking someone and having them like you back and realizing it might end up badly is a happy feeling. I just miss that tingle when you see them and the silly butterflies you feel and how they make you happy by just being there. I miss knowing there's someone who wants to be with you more than they want to be with anyone else.

That's the thing though. When I like someone I don't just like them and then if they don't show interest move on and find another person to fixiate on. I've never understood how people are like that. As I said, when I connect with someone it's deeply. Once I like someone it's usually a big commitment. If I were to let myself like someone, if I were to fall easily it would be a long time before I got over it. (Which begs an unrelated question. Do you think it's possible to have deep, meaningful relationships with many people at the same time? Does that mean that you're going to be neglecting people you're close to and care for in order to foster those meaningful relationships with other people? Or is it better to focus on being close with only a few people at a time and placing them at priority?)

So what do I do? Do I gussy myself up? Put myself out there for all the world to see? I don't know about that. As I said before, I'm very much the kind of person who goes through life and realize that I like someone I already know. Unfortunately, there's not really anyone like that around me right now. Maybe I need to hang out with non-gay men. That might be a step in the right direction, considering I only hang out with one straight guy right now, and he's out of the question for liking. Not that I couldn't like him. I suppose I could really like him if I wanted to. But I think that's the thing. I don't want to go out of my way to like someone, I just want to find someone who inspires that in me without having to try, someone who just is. I want someone I can talk with about various subjects, not just focusing on two or three. I want someone who stimulates me intellectually. Let's face it, I've liked some um, less than stellar looking guys in my life, so I obviously put a lot more weight on personality than looks.

But that still leaves me in the dillema of what to do about this longing I feel to care for someone, to have this overwhelming desire to make sure they're taken care of. But I can't just produce this feeling for someone, nor do I want to. So I suppose that means I'm stuck.

Maybe this is just an adverse reaction to the winter weather. Maybe I'll just get a hug, go tanning, and hope that it goes away.

Toodles!

-Jillian