So I here I sit, at 12:45 at night...or in the morning rather, typing away on my little computer despite the fact that I am dead tired. Why is this, you might ask? It's because I honestly cannot fall asleep before 1 or 2 in the morning anymore. It drives me completely batty that Mikelle will be all cuddled in her comfy bed and as hard as I try, sleep won't come to me. Luckily enough though she can sleep through my typing, music, and night-lamp being on.
Honestly though, I'm tired of being a tween. It's a little awkward. It's my first time away from home, or at least my family, and it's been a weird experience. I know I don't have an easy personality to love. It's a fact I've come to accept. I'm over-exuberant about everything and often come off as obnoxious and annoying. When I feel threatened by someone or if I feel inferior I'll strike out at them and try and make them feel inferior as well; not by insulting them, because that would be mean and I'm really not a mean person by nature, but by not giving them compliments and never being impressed. There are many cases of this in my past and no doubt there will be a few more of these in my future. I'm also stubborn to a fault and take some things way too personally.
So what does this have to do with me being a tween and being tired of it? Because I understand these things now. I think of myself even a half a year ago and I realize how much I've grown up. It's so odd. Dallin told me that you learn a lot your freshman year of college, but you grow the most during your sophomore year. I hope it's true. People tell you to be yourself so often, but what happens when yourself is something you can't be? Or even worse, you don't LIKE being yourself? Isn't that an odd conundrum to find oneself in? I enjoy being accepted, but sometimes I look at others and wish I could be them. I don't know if these things will change as I get older. I hope so.
I just missed my friends so much today. Theatre people have a tendency to be judgemental, sometimes even catty. Probably because we have to analyze characters in plays so much that we feel we have the right and responsibility to do it in real life. I'm tired of listening to people talk about everyone else and knowing that somewhere, someone is talking about me that way. I'm tired of listening to how you can't stand this person but you pretend you do because you don't want to be rude. Ohmigosh. I'm very anti-rude. I tend to be rude a lot (mostly from habit, of course) but I still think being rude is well...rude. But I think it's more rude to spare someone's feelings and talk about them behind their back then it is to just shut up and learn to get along. Now, this isn't to say that I don't appreciate the soothing power of venting. But there's a difference between venting and trying to find allies in your war against another person. I love learning about other people. I love knowing what's going on in their lives and knowing why they are the way they are. I don't know why I expect people to just open up to be about their lives. Probably because it's happened a lot. But at the same time I would flinch if most people tried to dig into my past (and present) the way I want to dig into others. I have the hardest time trusting people and I tend to use different people for different things. This is probably due to a bad experience I had a year or so back, but honestly, how long does it take to get over something? Am I ever going to be able to fully let myself go and talk to someone again? Probably not. Again, fact of life. But is it a good thing to be so completely open to one person? I think not. At least, not one mortal person.
Which brings me to another point. I love religion. I love knowing what other people think and why they believe what they do. Am I a judgemental person? Sometimes. But not really. I think I like to observe things. But at the same time, I find it ironic how those who are often the first to throw the term "judgemental" or "close-minded" at someone are those that are the most judgemental themselves. I hate how people think that just because we don't all share the same believes means that the person who doesn't share yours is close-minded. No. Maybe they just know better or more than you. Don't break down others beliefs. Don't call others prudes just because they flinch at certain jokes or statements. That's who they are and how they've gotten along in life, just like how you are. So remember that wondeful moral compass of "judge not, lest ye be judged" before you roll your eyes and murmur about someone's standards. We're all different. Be respectful of that.
Now, this philosophy is like the imaginary saloon doors that hit Aaron in the butt every other night or so; they swing both ways, and quite violently too. If you're one of the flinchers, don't go around bad-mouthing those with bad-mouths. I mean honestly, how hypocritical can people get sometimes?
Quite possibly this is one of the problems that I've had with Utah, especially "Utah Mormons" (and I say that in quotations marks quite purposefully.) Now, this isn't to say that I don't have friends who are Mormon and from Utah. But when I refer to Utah Mormons I refer to a very specific breed that I think most people are aware of. They get so sucked up in the culture they almost lose the spirit of the message.
Through this past year I've come to realize that I need to find a balance between expectations and understanding. And this is what I've come to decide, though, obviously, I'm still working on perfecting it. You can be disapointed in people, but just because they failed in an expectation doesn't mean they're bad people and should be shunned like a non-believer (party foul, Charlie the Unicorn reference used horrifically). It's healthy to have expectations for people and for people to have expectations for you. But instead of automatically assuming the guy not going on a mission is a horrible person or that there's some moral defect in him, why not try to understand WHY he's not going? At the end of your discussion you may end up disapointed in his decision, but at least you understand it and can appreciate and love him as a real person and as a child of God.
Wow. It's been almost a full hour since I started this blog. I've been typing with almost no interruptions, aside from a few welcome texts from Raage. If I've managed to not offend anyone I'm glad, but a little disapointed. Sometimes I feel it's healthy to be offended if it sparks you into the action of changing to be a better person. Offence is good for the soul. As long as it ends positively. If that makes any sense whatsoever.
Maybe I'll change my plans about being a writer. I can't seem to say anything in a concise manner. Maybe I can get someone to pay me by the page.
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