At this point, I want to quit almost everything. It's not that I'm feeling overwhelmed, really. I just want to be able to breathe once in a while. I was thinking about my schedule today and I realized I'm not going to have any time. I mean, yeah, I'll have an hour between two of my classes and about an hour and fifteen minutes between school and work, and maybe a half hour between work and rehearsal, and then another hour after rehearsal where I'll try and crunch in some homework. It doesn't stress me out too much, oddly enough, it's what I've been doing most of my life.
I guess I'm just tiring of it a little. I'm tired of - excuse the language, but it's the only way I've ever heard it put - half-assing it through life. I'm tired of doing what I need to do just so I can get by, because I don't have enough time or energy to do otherwise.
For instance, I really want to learn Spanish. Raage's been attempting to help me a little, but you can only do so much when you're 500 miles away and using messaging on Facebook. Anyway, I was planning on calling him last night, but some things happened and when I should've called him so he could clarify the word que for me, I was over at Tristans watching Heroes. I would've been like "hey Tristan, I've got to go" except that we had just barely set everything up and him and Aaron had used, like, a half hour or so of their time just so I could watch it. So I'm like "okay, I'll call him tomorrow." Except, well, I'll have you refer to my afore mentioned schedule for today to understand the problem with that.
And so it is with life. There are some things I'm completely fascinated by, but will never be able to do more than scratch the surface of because I don't have the time. The days slip by and I'm left with a lot of "oh, I'll do this tomorrow"s. I mean, like the whole exercise thing. I really want to start exercising, but there isn't enough time! Whenever I think I can do it between classes, I can't because I have to write a paper or read a chapter or two in a book or go sell stupid advertisements.
At this point, I would love nothing more than to quit my job, not go to Rexburg, not audition for scholarships, not worry about China and how I'm going to get another freakin' thousdand dollars in two weeks, and just focus on school and learning and growing closer to Heavenly Father. And maybe focus on myself and what I really want for a while. There are so many things going on during the day, I sometimes am afraid that I'm missing something that's important for me to know.
But I know I can't quit. I'm not a flake like that. When I say I'll do something and commit to it, I'm stuck. Including calling Raage tonight, or at least letting him know that I can't.
So I will continue on, skating through life, barely getting by in everything I'm doing. It's not so bad, I guess. It's gotten me this far, hasn't it?
4 comments:
Hey Pill,
I'm sorry you are so...stressed? tired? confused?...right now. Really, i'm sorry. I'm also sorry if i sounded snotty or irritated when you asked for a ride today. i know how it goes when you just need someone to do something to make your day a little easier, and i will always be here to do that for you. but anyways, it sucks majorly, doesn't it, when you are so worried about getting through life that you don't even have time to enjoy it. but do not fear, there will come a time in your life when things will be going your way...or at least going in a way that you can understand! :) I love you too, so that should make it all the better. hehehe.
XO,
Pants
Jill, you so eloquently expressed an all-too-familiar frustration! I know how you feel. Really, I do. And I say, you're are way more ahead of a huge percentage of this population in finding balance in your life. You're an observant, spiritually in-tune girl whose desire for peace and connection to others is the root of all balance! I know there are days sometimes when if you were to write down and set aside a time slot for everything that you're supposed to be doing and everything you want to do in one day, it would literally take 27 hours or so. Unfortunately the day is only 24, and we as human beings need to sleep for 6 to 8 of them. But check this out...a friend of mine told me this when I was expressing to him some of the same frustrations. He said, "Hey, who says you gotta do it all in this life? If you're not doing it for God or your own righteous happiness, what's the point? And if you are doing it for God or your own righteousness, you have ALL OF ETERNITY to learn and do all the things you want to." I truly believe that it is part of the Lord's plan to allow us to continue progressing forever. And that means reading everything and learning new languages and learning the International Phonetic Alphabet and finally getting a double pirouette down and doing the splits and taking off someone's tie with your feet and whatever else there is that you want to learn. I know there are some things that you just can't wait to learn, but you are in such a great part of your life right now...you get to experiment until you find out what those things are, and then go for it! Don't let the judgment or expectations of others keep you from doing what you want to, and/or what you think you should. The Lord will guide you to develop in the ways that will be best for this life, and He'll give you the rest of eternity for everything else. How great is that? The Church is true, I tell you what.
Well, if this doesn't give you a little encouragement, I know for a FACT that my good friends Ben and Jerry will. =)Sometimes, that's what it takes. Love ya, Jilly, and know that you are such a great example to me, and you teach me and remind me of so many important things. Hang in there, Champ. Life isn't everything. =)
the great things in life are done by people that don't feel good.
I don't remember where i heard that. but along the lines of what liz is saying...
Jill, we all love you, and understand what you're going thru (or at least mostly understand) Life is busy, and we know you are frustrated...
most importantly just know we care about you, that tends to make most everything better, yes?
-isha
HAHAHA! ohhh...HA! I just reread what you put down as your profile about being a child prodogy. I haven't read that in so long and for some reason it just totally cracked me up. HA! Thanks for brightening my day. I <3 U.
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