"It's like we've all gone full-circle" - Pants

I'm having interesting emotions right now. And instead of closing them off from the rest of me, and isolating them in a corner of my mind like I usually do, I think I'm going to share them, as it seems that only Isha reads my blog, and I'm comfortable with Isha knowing these emotions.

I was reading Jeff's blog when he mentioned wanting to travel to his picture, and to travel there to actually be with someone. I would have to say I'd need the opposite.

I surround myself with people and noise and chaos so that I can feel the thrill of adrenaline, what I've come to identify as life. I tend to be in the middle of everything, so bombarded by sights and sounds that I lose touch with myself. If I were to go to that picture, I would go by myself, or bring someone really close to me along, someone that I don't have to talk to or entertain all the time. Someone who's completely fine with silence and someone who I can share my innermost thoughts and feelings with, someone who will respond to them honestly and think about them with me. At least that's what I'd need right now.

Usually I go absolutely stir-crazy in the summers. I noticed that this year is the first time I'm not going on a vacation or involved in some crazy vacation, or typing away at the computer on my newest Teen Angst novel - of which I've written a few. But I feel pretty happy and content, nonetheless. Yes, there are still times when I want to go have crazy-fun with someone or just hang out in a ginormous group of people, but I'm pretty content with hanging out with one or two people and talking. In fact, I'm finding I prefer that. It's something I haven't done in a while. I'm fine without running to and fro trying to conquer the world. And I'm coming to the realization that maybe, just maybe, I'm not meant to conquer it.

Unfortunately, it leaves me floundering for what I am supposed to do in life.

I read my partriarchal blessing last night. It helped a lot, but I'm still floundering. The one thing I've been hanging on to is slowly fading away too, and I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to grab. Well, I am, but I don't know if I'm strong enough.

Anyway, I miss Mollie. I miss Beckah. I miss Darcy. At least with Beckah I had time to prepare for her leaving. With Darcy it was like she was here one day and gone the other, with only a brief good-bye over the phone. Luckily she's coming back, or I might start crying. Which I definitely hate.

I had a really good talk with Mollie on Thursday night...well, Friday morning. Which reminds me, I'm craving a blueberry bagel. I might have to grab me one of those.

Anyhoo, good-bye to all of you. I don't know when I'll be able to come and type again. Maybe next week, maybe next fall. Either way, I love you all!

Toodles!

- Jillian