Okay kids, hold onto your seats. I'm about to get on my soapbox. You have been warned.
*pulls soapbox out of back pocket, steps up on it, and clears throat*
I enjoy watching people. It helps me learn things about myself as well as about how the world works and how to better empathize with people. This pleasure I take in getting to understand people has led me on some crazy adventures, put me in some interesting situations, and has made me aware of some very human tendencies that seem to pervade all walks of life. We all have a tendency to hypocritically judge people. To highlight this, I want to point to one of the more divisive issues I've seen in the past few years - that of drinking the adult beverage commonly referred to as alcohol *cue dramatic music.*
Now, just as a point of reference, I have been on both sides of this divide. I have both been the non-drinker who didn't even go to bars and the drinker who had one (or more) drinks 4 or 5 time a week. I have also been right in the middle - the girl who goes to bars with friends, has a blast, and then soberly drives them home and makes sure they are taken care of.
But this is where the rub is. I will tell a little anecdote to highlight this odd judgmental hypocrisy.
Flashback: while driving one of my slightly inebriated friends home, he was introducing me to his (equally inebriated) brother who was also in the car with us. As we were pulling onto his street his brother goes "wait, you're Mormon?!" I nod and laugh, realizing he asked this because of the Y bumper sticker on the back of my car. My friend then leans over, rubs my head and goes "Yeah, but she drinks, she's a cool Mormon. Seriously. She's like no other Mormon you've met."
I realize he didn't mean this to be insulting and in fact probably meant this as a compliment, so I dropped him and his brother off without incident. But then I turned to my other friend in the car and unloaded on him.
"So...I realize he didn't mean anything by it, but what the hell? Would my personality and 'coolness' be inexplicably altered if I didn't drink? Did he not trust that I wasn't judging him before, but now that he's seen me drink he knows that I'm not?"
My friend then worked diligently to calm me down. I don't know if I explained my frustration and hurt well enough, so it only clearly it only sort of worked.
In hindsight though, I realize a lot of it has to do with the perception that Mormons (especially in Utah) are judgmental and close-minded to those whose actions contradict Mormon doctrine and culture (newsflash - that perception is unfortunately based on a certain modicum of reality), but I felt frustrated and hurt that that was the linchpin, the deciding factor on whether or not I was a "cool" Mormon - or even worse, that being Mormon was apparently a hugely deciding factor in whether a person would be friends with me; it was this factor, not that I consistently gave up sleep and down time on the weekends to spend time with friends, or that I offered on several occasions to pick them up at any time of day or night so they wouldn't have to hassle with walking home or getting a cab and that I was just as likely to get up and dance on the table while sober as they were while drunk or that I made an effort in my everyday interactions with people to be as accepting and loving as possible. No. It was that I was actually willing to drink and that I was a Mormon. For some reason that took my rebellion to a new level of bad-assness that was suddenly commendable; it made me being a Mormon palatable. I was also frustrated at the insinuation that before I started drinking I wasn't cool and that, likewise, my LDS friends who didn't drink weren't just as "cool" or accepting as I was.
"So what, then?" I asked my friend. "If I suddenly decide to stop drinking I'm no longer 'cool?"
I chaffed under this. I didn't like the idea that these people I considered to be my friends may not have accepted me until I started drinking and I especially hated the notion of having one or two life choices be the deciding factor on whether my friends accepted me for who I was or not. These same friends seemed to spit and hiss at those who did the same to them, yet there they were, doing it to me. If that had been turned on his head and I had introduced him to my sister or my friends by explaining "No, he's not LDS, but he doesn't drink, so he's cool! He's not like any non-Mormon you know!" I'm sure he would have been just as put off as I was.
Yet I've seen that conversation happen before. It's seen in the exclamations or seeming rationalizations of "He's not LDS, but he's a really cool guy," or "he's basically a dry Mormon, he should hang out with us more!"
It seems like damned if you do, damned if you don't. For this reasons, a majority of my friends and family doesn't know that I've drunk alcohol. That secrecy has almost nothing to do with my own personal feelings about these choices - in fact, if any person were to ask whether I was drinking or not I would admit it with little to no shame. However, I hesitate to tell certain people about this because how some of them would react.
A lot of my Mormon friends are not aware of my drinking phases, mostly because the few that I have told have not reacted well. I remember even mentioning to a friend once that I went to a bar - just that I went there, and I didn't even drink - and she responded with "Oh...well...I guess you're from Oregon and didn't grow up in Utah, so it's probably different there than here."
I'm still not entirely sure what she meant by that.
But again, it's not like I tell all my friends who drink that I'm drinking. Some seem to take it upon themselves to "convert me" to drinking now that I've seen the light and want to get me smashed all the time so they can have the joy of turning a Mormon.
I appreciate that about as much as I appreciate the LDS friends for judging me.
So what's the point of this rant? I think the point is that verse in Matthew saying "Judge not lest ye be judged." And most importantly, perhaps we need to stop looking at actions by others in terms of "good" and "bad" or that knowing one or two things about a person suddenly changes who they are as well as their worth. If you enjoy spending time with a person you enjoy spending time with them. So what if they did drugs 5 years ago or were at a bar last weekend or always do 100% of their home teaching and attend all 3 hours of church every single Sunday. That doesn't change who they are now or how they make you feel. If who they are is a good person and how they make you feel is happy and a good version of yourself, go for it.
I'm not saying this should make you change your standards or put yourself in situations where you feel unsafe. By all means, if you don't want to date someone who drinks, don't date someone who drinks. Likewise, if you don't want to date someone who won't watch R-rated movies, that's your prerogative. But maybe the reason you feel uncomfortable at a bar is because you look down on the people drinking. Or part of the reason you feel uncomfortable in church is that you're judging the people there for buying into a religion you don't agree with.
And that's where I have the problem. Because doing that raises your knowledge, self-worth, and self-discovery above theirs while diminishing their worth and the possibility that they could touch your life in a good, meaningful way. You don't know why that person is drinking at the bar, nor do you know why that person is so compelled to be an active part of their church. Just as your life has directed you on a specific path with specific actions, their life has directed them on theirs. And perhaps if we want people to accept us for our choices in life we should work on being more accepting of others ourselves. After all, you can't demand respect until you give it.
*steps off soapbox*
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