Thoughts on a lonely Monday...

I'm not sure what happens when you follow a blog. Just sayin'. Does that mean you get some kind of e-mail alert whenever the person you follow updates their blog? Or does it just mean you're following them when you put the link to their blog on your blog?

I've learned a lot in the past few days, both about myself and otherwise. Though I guess it's mostly about myself. I've realized I get really sad at 2 times a day - 3 pm and 6 pm. The past 3 days those are the times I've felt the worst. The rest of the time I might feel a little sad or wish things were different, but usually I can carry on and be fine.

I've discovered I'm an attention whore as well. Like, really. I used to think I just wanted his attention because we were dating and his attention meant I was important. And I was ridiculous about it sometimes. Only sometimes though, because he was an idiot about it the other part of the sometimes. If he didn't respond back during a certain timeline it really bugged me and I got super bent out of shape about it. Now I realize I'm that way with everybody. I have been chatting and texting and calling so many people lately, just because I need that interaction and if people don't respond back to me it makes me super anxious and I feel super needy.

I've also learned that you always remember the good things, not the bad. Already the fights are fading into the back of my mind, instead being overshadowed by the wonderful times we shared. Along with that though comes the self-doubt, wondering how much of what was wonderful was my perception as opposed to the reality of the situation. Second guessing is never fun, especially when you can't ask

The thing I've learned that makes me the saddest is I've learned how much he motivated me. He gave me someone to be accountable to, someone who believed in me, and cared about me and helped me focus on what I wanted out of life and that the things I wanted to do were not stupid things I wasn't qualified for or able to accomplish. And I don't want people to think this is a self-esteem thing, because it wasn't that I didn't think I wasn't good enough to accomplish them, it's that I didn't know how to go about doing it and felt there had to be people who had more experience and qualifications than I applying for the positions. He helped me navigate that as well as mold the qualities I had into things that were desirable for the things I wanted to achieve. And it kills me that it took this happening for me to realize that because now I can't thank him for it.

Because while there were some parts of him that I might have been "settling" with, there were things I got from him and from our relationship that I had never hoped to find. Things I didn't even know I wanted or that I could want.

But the fact was, I was still looking for something and apparently so was he. While I crave his interaction and miss being the one that helps him and gets to talk to him everyday, I trust that things will turn out all right. And hopefully, if we're close enough to the spirit and pay attention to what we're feeling and what we need I'm sure things will turn out the way they're supposed to, too.

So why am I writing this blog? Sharing fairly intimate feelings with the world? Mostly because I needed to get those thoughts out and I feel like I've bogged down every person close to me. But I also wanted people to know I'm doing okay. While I wish things were different, I understand that they can't be and that I know things will eventually work out, even if it sucks right now.

I also want people to know that I don't hate him and I'm not angry at him. While sometimes I think it would be easier if I did hate him and wanted to reject him and make him hurt, I can't make myself do that. Even the thought of doing that makes me feel horrible. He's a good person, and while I worry about him I know he managed to survive 22 years without me and that he'll probably make it through the next ones just fine.