This last week or so has been a little hard. I'm not exactly sure why, except that Heavenly Father still has more to teach me before I move down to Provo.

First, the whole thing with the boy happened. That's still happening, I suppose. It's just every now and then I meet a person whose philosophies and ways of life are so different than mine I can't help but find them interesting and incredibly confusing at the same time. I'm like the stupid kid at the zoo who stands too close to the monkey cage. I learn a lot, but sometimes I get poo slung at me. Sometimes it misses and sometimes I get hit with it.

A lovely analogy, I know.

Also, I've just been having the hardest time motivating myself to work. Which is saying something, because this is one of jobs I've loved the most. And yet there are sometime when I show up and just think "I don't want to serve tables today. I don't want to interact with people, I don't want to balance a huge tray of water glasses, I don't want to put in special orders, I just don't want to." So I go through the motions and get cut as soon as I can.

Which makes me wonder: is it possible I'm just easily bored or do I just suck at sticking things out?

That question has bothered me for at least a year, but it hasn't been until the past few weeks that I've realized it affects me on different levels.

1) How often I've changed my major. Believe it or not, I do actually think things through before I change my major. I don't just pull the most recent major out of a hat and roll with it. And yet, the past few times I've changed my major, two months later I find myself bored and not feeling fulfilled by the major I've chosen.

This brings on the second problem 2) I don't have any goals in life. When I tell this to people they're like "well, get some goals." Not so simple. Again, I find these goals - to speak another language, to read a certain book, to travel and tour a certain part of the world, to achieve a certain degree, and again, in two months or so I don't want that goal anymore. I've moved onto something new and different, something new and shiny has distracted me from something I really wanted SO badly.

Part of it might be that in order to succeed in some of these goals it takes lots of time to figure out the fine details and to plan. But I usually can't focus and research enough to ever come up with a total plan, I get bored with research too easily.

It's so frustrating for me! I see so many people in their lives who are filled with passions and have accomplished things and know where they're going in life...and then there's me. And I know that if I could just stick with something for more than a few months I could accomplish it. It's just finding something and forcing myself to stick with it.

I can't help but wonder how much this actually has to do with me being ADHD or if I really just suck at life. It could be a little bit of both. Or, it could again be that Heavenly Father has a reason for me to be this sporadic.

The more I look at life and religion the more I see how important it is to have a one on one relationship with Heavenly Father. You can't rely on society or anyone else to blindly lead you into what you're purpose is in life. You have to take what you're told, what you're fed, what you're exposed to, and study and analyze it with the aid of Heavenly Father. Only then will you be able to truly do what you're supposed to, to live the principles that you need.

Most of the time this will probably clash with what society says for you to do - even a "good" Mormon society. Sometimes it's not right for you to have a child within the first few years of marriage. Sometimes it's not right for you to live the conventional "mormon" life, with a cute little family. This is right for some people, but I can guarantee that no family is the same. No family fits into the same perfect mold. Every family grows, stretches, has trials, learns, according to what Heavenly Father has planned for them. And that's what's important.