Here I go, musing once more. I really feel this is for my own amusement and gain. So why am I posting this on the internet you may ask and not just writing it in a journal? Maybe because I secretly enjoy knowing someone might discover it and read the thoughts I'm wrestling with right now.
I realize I'm not the exception to the rules. Or at least, I feel like i should realize this. I realize that all the things the prophets have said and all the rules set forth by them are for me just as much as they are for the masses.
And yet...
And yet I keep finding myself doing stupid things that may or may not fall under the category of disobedience, all the while rationalizing that certain rules, while they apply to me, should be adapted to fit me personally, as I truly feel should be done with gospel principles. We're not all cookie cutters and therefore cookie-cutter principles need not apply.
However...
However, I think I'm taking this principle to an extreme, saying that obvious standards of the gospel don't apply to me whenever I choose for them not too. And because of this I feel like I'm mixing things that are good for me with things that are bad for me in the blurry middle ground.
Also, I'm finding I'm having a hard time differentiating my feelings. I can't tell whether feelings of guilt or excitement or happiness are coming from Heavenly Father guiding me or from social stigmas or from past experiences influencing my current feelings and perceptions.
Plus...
Plus I'm not feeling settled. I keep looking for some place where I'm comfortable, some middle ground where I don't feel pushed and pulled in one hundred different directions, a place I'm not looking forward to leaving. I love living in West Valley, but I'm excited to get back to school. Yet even then I can't help but think about how stifled I sometimes feel while I'm there and wondering if maybe, just maybe, I'm supposed to be somewhere else, doing something else. Or maybe this feeling is what I need to keep progressing in life.
To top it all off I feel myself becoming more and more dumb as time goes by. Seriously. It's like I can feel the knowledge from 14 years of schooling slowly seeping out of my ear. People I talk to seem so full of knowledge and facts about art and life and I'm like "well...I can tell you about the best wines to pair with the Chicken Speidini at Macaroni Grill!"
Yeah, not so impressive.
However, all things are going as planned. I will be back in Provo in 3 weeks, attending school full time. So who knows? Maybe this too shall pass.
Toodles!
-Jillian
3 comments:
The first thing that comes to mind is, "Yeah you feel dumb!" Your skill at expressing yourself is truly gifted. I feel that my writing skill (were never really great in comparison, but...) is slipping away. And the second thing that comes to mind is: I miss you! I wish I could hug you and have long, indepth talks with you over a hot cup of coco. And the third thing, which really addresses your post, is that gospel principles are truth. Non-negosible, never-changing truth. Truth isn't different for each person. People may try to mask it and call it something else, but that's their work and not the fruit of truth. It's either black or white. And it's either you except it or you don't. And Jill you need to decided if you want to except it as it is -truth, eternal and real -or don't. It's a tough one. People have been stewing over it for centuries and there's even life long careers devoted to it. But you'll find it. I have faith in you. Love ya girl!
just wanted to comment so you could find my blog
Your sister is a very wise women! Jill, your a beauitful Women and you have so much to offer the world! The Lord has blessed you with so many gifts and talents! Your father and I love you more then we can express! Jill, you just have to decide. You know deep in your heart what you should do. Make a decision and stand firm no matter what it is. Quit over thinking things-ever since you've been doing this you've been stressed and confused. That should tell you something. Think back in High school and before you started to pick and choose what rules (commandments) to follow. You have all this unrest and stress in your life now, before you saw black and white more clearly and that brought you peace of mind. When was the last time you read you patriarchal blessing? That might be a good start. I know it helps me. Jill, just remember that we love you unconditionaly and it gives pain to see you struggle when you really don't have too.
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