I'm tired. Like, really tired. Tired of a lot of things. Tired of school, tired expectations, tired of people, tired of not being able to take time to do things, tired of work. I'm tired of not being able to focus on the things I need to to become a better person. I feel like I'm moving side to side and spinning around instead of moving forward or backward.

I'm such a baby. My life isn't bad. It's quite good, actually, and I've had it really easy. I haven't lost anyone in my life. I've never had to intensly study to get good grades. I've never had to really try. If things didn't come all that easily I just didn't do them.

I guess I'm spoiled. I don't know. People called me spoiled and say that I've never had to work in my life and I get a little angry. Comparitively I haven't, not really. I've always been able to sing. Music's been easy. Theatre and acting came naturally. I was pretty smart.

But I'm tired of my sisters saying I never have to work. My family thinking I'm not trying hard enough. I'm working 15 hours a week, rehearsing for 10+, going to school for 17, doing homework for who knows how long. I have five shows this week, four next week, and three large finals coming up. I have choir class that I don't have enough time to pay attention to. I work. I just don't work hard on any one thing because there's always something else needing attention.

I think that's what bothers me. I don't get amazingly strong grades because I don't have enough time or energy to devote to it. I'm not the best worker at Bear Mt. because I have to ask for so many days off and leave early because of rehearsals or doctors appointments or classes. I'm not the best soprano in choir because I don't have time to sit down and play my parts through and figure it out. I'm not the best person in the show because I can't memorize a song and do my spanish homework at the same time.

I know these are excuses. I should be able to focus and devote myself 100% to whatever task I'm involved in at that time. I just don't know if I can. I'm not disciplined or mature enough. And I know that. I just can't figure out how to do it. Or maybe I just don't like the answer. I want to grow-up and become more organized and self-dependent but I'm afraid to do it. I don't want trials, but I know I need them.

It sucks. I don't like growing up. I don't like this limbo of not being grown up and not being immature. Or rather, being mature in some ways and immature in others. It's kind of uncomfortable. It makes me prickly in my own skin. I wonder if this'll ever stop, if I'll actually be mature enough for life. I hope so. Cuz it's not cool.

-Jillian