Change...

I think I'm breaking out

I'm gonna leave you now

There's nothing for me here, it's all the same

And even though I know

That everything might go

Go downhill from here,

I'm not afraid

Way away, away from here I'll be

Way away, away so you can see

How it feels to be alone and not believe

Feels to be alone and not believe

Anything

You can't stop me now

You can't hold me down

You can't keep me here, I'm on my way

I made it this far now

And I'm not burning out

No matter what you say, I'm not afraid

Way away, away from here I'll be

Way away, away so you can see

How it feels to be alone and not believe

Feels to be alone and not believe

Anything

Letting out the noise inside of me

Every window pane is shattering

Cutting off my words before I speak

Cutting off my words

This is how it feels to not believe

Letting out the noise inside of me

Every window pane is shattering

Cutting off my words before I speak

Cutting off my words

This is how it feels to not believe

Way away, away from here I'll be

Way away, away so you can see

How it feels to be alone and not believe

Feels to be alone and not believe

Anything

So, I've come to the conclusion that my biggest fear might be change. I can't quite explain it. Most of my friends have the attitude that change happens and there's nothing you can do about it. Unfortunately, I'm too uptight to think that way. Well, at least some of the time. Some change I can take, happily. Like changing your hair. Little changes are okay, like changes in class schedules. Yeah, I miss talking to Raage before 4th and seeing Brandon during 2nd and talking to Jackie and Larissa during 1st, but I like walking with Meghan to 5th and seeing Brandon after fourth and meeting up with Larissa everynow and then to remember the good old days in 1st period Spanish. Those are the okay kind of changes. That's cool. But when the change comes like moving further away from friends or stuff like that...I hate that kind of change. The mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. I'm probably overly-paranoid about all of it, and that paranoia might actually accelerate the change, therefore bringing about the sadness that comes whenever a change occurs. So it's pointless to worry about it, I should just let it happen, but I can't seem to. It's always there, like something just out of the corner of your eye. You can't focus on it or see it, but you know it's there.

And this is what goes on in my mind when I'm left alone for too long.

Anyway, life is pretty good right now. Except for one small blip on the radar, this week has gone pretty well. Not as good as last week though. Man, last week was amazing. I'm planning on making this week as good though.

So church today was very good. Despite the random tangents about Unicorns and Mermaids - though that imagine of a fish eating a person still makes me giggle - I got a lot out of the Sunday School lesson, and the lesson in Young Women's too. It's funny, because the things I'm most afraid of and the things I'm looking forward to the least are the things that we seem to talk about in church and Seminary. Well, maybe not that things I look forward to the least, but definitely the things I need the most.

I have the hardest time letting people know how grateful I am to them. I think I may attempt writing letters to certain people, but at the same time there's always a certain fear there that if I tell them how I feel about them they're going to be like "wow, this girl's creepy" and think I'm all stalker-esque and stuff, which would make friendships slightly awkward. Just slightly of course. So yeah, there's my dilemma. Anyway, for now I'll just say to all my friends that are reading this blog, thanks for being there despite my bi-polar moments and my close-mindedness and my inability to see things from your point of view. You guys are awesome and I don't know what I would do without you.

Toodles!

-Jillian