If I give you one thought for a penny, even though it cost me a quarter, do you even notice? What's more, do you even care?

Wow...I'm a bundle of mixed emotions right now. Emotions that I can't write because they have to deal with someone outside of me, someone I'm not sure about. It tears me up! Why do I have to be so helpless? I'm so afraid, but what I feel doesn't compare to what they have to be feeling right now. I'm afraid for them, afraid that I won't be able to help them, afraid of what will happen, afraid that they'll self-destruct and I'll not be able to do anything. Or worse, that I'll be there and they'll want my help but I won't notice or I'll be too afraid to notice.

I can never trust myself. It seems that every time I trust my instincts and assume something, it turns the other way. Everything is so precarious, balancing on the edge of a knife. If I move one way it'll bring happiness, but if I move the other it will only bring sadness and despair to my life, as well as others. So instead I stand still, waiting for others to show me which way to move.

This is a bad choice. It leaves me vulnerable to others. Certain People have the ability to alter my mood with only a few words, and I hate that fact. Besides, I leave people unsure of my feelings. Which - surprisingly - I'm not unsure of a majority of the time. I'm just unsure of how to express them, or what would happen if I did.

And that brings me full circle. I don't know what to do. I know who to tell who would be able to do the things that I think someone should do, but I'm not sure if it's my place to do it. The fact is, I'm pretty sure it's not. So I'm stuck here, venting and talking in circles in a blog that no one will probably care to read.

Here's a poem that I found interesting. It made me think a lot, especially now that most of us are leaving High School moving on. It's obviously about someone who cares about someone else, but it could be taken so many ways; friends, romantic, parental, sibling, anything. Anyway, here it is:

Sculpted me
Changed me
Forced me out
Made me think
Made me better
This you’ve done for me

What have I done for you?
What have I done in return?

I look
I feel
I smile
I try
You don’t seem to notice

I’ve hidden it
Shown only a little
To you

I am bitter
I am open
Vulnerable

You are closed
Shut off from me

You’re perfect
You’re ideal
You’re interesting
You’re appealing
But you’re far away

Like a sunset on the horizon
Close, but untouchable

You’re the only one
I feel comfortable
Protected
Safe

Sometimes you feel so close
Sometimes I think you care
Others
You’re distant

And I’m commonplace

Isn't that sort of depressing? I guess I like depressing poetry then. Anyway, I guess what I'm getting at with this is, you never realize who you're helping. And that's what's driving me insane with this person that I was referring to before. They've helped me by hurting me, and now I want to help them by soothing them. I just don't know how. Agh! I hate not having control! Stupid Chaucer and being right! I just feel if I could help this person this once I'd make all the horrible things I've done to them better. Instead I'm sitting here, venting to a computer screen on a blog that no one will quite understand.

Anyway, I hope you all had a wonderful Sunday. See you tomorrow.

Toodles

-Jillian