If I give you one thought for a penny, even though it cost me a quarter, do you even notice? What's more, do you even care?

Wow...I'm a bundle of mixed emotions right now. Emotions that I can't write because they have to deal with someone outside of me, someone I'm not sure about. It tears me up! Why do I have to be so helpless? I'm so afraid, but what I feel doesn't compare to what they have to be feeling right now. I'm afraid for them, afraid that I won't be able to help them, afraid of what will happen, afraid that they'll self-destruct and I'll not be able to do anything. Or worse, that I'll be there and they'll want my help but I won't notice or I'll be too afraid to notice.

I can never trust myself. It seems that every time I trust my instincts and assume something, it turns the other way. Everything is so precarious, balancing on the edge of a knife. If I move one way it'll bring happiness, but if I move the other it will only bring sadness and despair to my life, as well as others. So instead I stand still, waiting for others to show me which way to move.

This is a bad choice. It leaves me vulnerable to others. Certain People have the ability to alter my mood with only a few words, and I hate that fact. Besides, I leave people unsure of my feelings. Which - surprisingly - I'm not unsure of a majority of the time. I'm just unsure of how to express them, or what would happen if I did.

And that brings me full circle. I don't know what to do. I know who to tell who would be able to do the things that I think someone should do, but I'm not sure if it's my place to do it. The fact is, I'm pretty sure it's not. So I'm stuck here, venting and talking in circles in a blog that no one will probably care to read.

Here's a poem that I found interesting. It made me think a lot, especially now that most of us are leaving High School moving on. It's obviously about someone who cares about someone else, but it could be taken so many ways; friends, romantic, parental, sibling, anything. Anyway, here it is:

Sculpted me
Changed me
Forced me out
Made me think
Made me better
This you’ve done for me

What have I done for you?
What have I done in return?

I look
I feel
I smile
I try
You don’t seem to notice

I’ve hidden it
Shown only a little
To you

I am bitter
I am open
Vulnerable

You are closed
Shut off from me

You’re perfect
You’re ideal
You’re interesting
You’re appealing
But you’re far away

Like a sunset on the horizon
Close, but untouchable

You’re the only one
I feel comfortable
Protected
Safe

Sometimes you feel so close
Sometimes I think you care
Others
You’re distant

And I’m commonplace

Isn't that sort of depressing? I guess I like depressing poetry then. Anyway, I guess what I'm getting at with this is, you never realize who you're helping. And that's what's driving me insane with this person that I was referring to before. They've helped me by hurting me, and now I want to help them by soothing them. I just don't know how. Agh! I hate not having control! Stupid Chaucer and being right! I just feel if I could help this person this once I'd make all the horrible things I've done to them better. Instead I'm sitting here, venting to a computer screen on a blog that no one will quite understand.

Anyway, I hope you all had a wonderful Sunday. See you tomorrow.

Toodles

-Jillian

Early to bed, early to rise, if that doesn't work, anything flies

That quote is from Raage, and I must say it's a good life motto.

So, I got home about a half hour ago. Yet again I was at the school from 7 in the morning until 8 at night. Honestly Raage, how did you do it last year? I now have a deeper respect for you brother. It's not so much the "being-in-one-place-forever" thing as it is "I-have-no-time-to-eat-food-so-I-have-no-energy" thing. I even ate a lot during lunch - well, a lot for me - and wasn't hungry until about 15 minutes into rehersal. Then I felt myself dragging. That started my whole "pep-talk" thing, which I think went over pretty well, since after that you could just feel everyone start trying more. They were asking for help and everything. Though I was about to kill Kasey Walker. I'm not joking, if I had a gun that kid would be dead and I might be in jail - if anyone cared enough to turn me in. Or if I had had enough energy to jump on stage and throttle him the same scenerio might have played out. And I know this is incredibly mean. He's really not that bad, but he just wouldn't SHUT UP! And I wouldn't have minded - because I know Isha's going to read that last sentence and get a smug little grin on her face ;) - if he just knew what the dances were, but for Spanish Rose he's right in the middle and he SUCKS!!! At least Tamson sucks in inconspicuous ways during that dance, and during Telephone Hour it works for his character. But Kasey? *sigh*

Ha, and if Meghan ever reads this - which I don't think she will because I don't even think she knows I have this blog - thanks for the whole Evylyn thing. And I know you noticed her get off the last time on the "Healthy, Normal American Boy" dance where she "was counting in her head" and knew she "was right." Ha

And this is what happens to me when I become sleep deprived. I become really sort of wicked. And it's not like these people are bad people or anything, because they're not and I can usually get along with them. But I'm just tired (and if Raage reads this he's probably thinking I'm a baby, since he was probably up as late as I was, but :P on you! Cletus is hurting.) It was bad today, seriously, during Calculus I passed out repeatedly. I was reading about logs and all of a sudden there were Aes Sedai in my head. Then I would have the realization that I was alseep and wake up.

Which might explain why I only vaguely remember what we learned about.

Alright, I think I'm going to get off and read and make chocolate chip cookies. But oh, one more thing that happened at rehersal. I now officially belong to Sam. He licked me. On the face.

What happened was we were dancing "Honestly Sincere" or rather, trying to since we all take our cues off of Beckah, including Sam, and she was gone. But when I realized this, I jumped off the stage and went to tell this to Jacobson. While I was talking to him, Sam did his whole "making girls pass out thing" and as I jump back on the stage I'm one of the only girls left standing. I cry "Ha! I'm immune to Conrad Birdie charm!" And he comes over to me with his Tommy Hilfiger underwear model face on, walks up to me - I'm expecting him to stop - and licks me on the side of the face! I screamed, because I honestly was not expecting it at all.

Okay, I'm getting off now. I was thinking about maybe calling some people up for a movie, but I've emerged in the tired part of my mood where I'm incredibly touchy and tactile. I would also like to reiterate how comforting and calming it is to be laying on someone's moving chest. Whenever I'm having a bad day that has to be one of the best things to make things better, along with a hold.

But now I'm really getting off topic. I'm going to go put cookies in the oven!

Toodles!

-Jillian

p.s. Raage, that's St. Mark's cathedral

"That beer-drinking hussy." -Sis. McCmoil in Young Women's

Hello! I like Sunday's. It's sort of weird though. Every Sunday I wake up I'm all apathetic and don't want to do anything besides lie around, and I feel all heavy and depressed inside. Then I manage to pull myself together to go to church. And I sit through Sacrament meeting, usually end up feeling a little better. Then there's Sunday School - if I go to it :S - which makes me a bit more chipper, and finally Young Women's. By then I'm usually feeling pretty dang good. Today was slightly different though, due to the fact that I'm slightly sick (I'm still debating who to blame it on, Raage, Beckah, my dad, Ms. Shannon, the list goes on...) and that I was an idiot and stayed up until 6 this morning.

Funny story about that though. I was pretty tired around 12:30, so I got off-line with the full intention of going to bed. Unfortunately, I remembered that I wanted to check Katelyn's blog before I went to bed as well as look at a lunar calendar. So I got back on MSN. I was about to leave again and go to bed when I looked at the "My Trip to Europe" scrapbook page that I had started before I began chatting and realized I wanted to finish it.

Around 4:oo I realized I had scrapbooked most of my trip to London and that...well, it was 4:00 in the morning. I was immediately grateful that I wasn't on the 9:00 church schedule. But I wasn't tired either. So I remembered that I had saved some stuff - maps and the like - from my Europe trip and had them up in my drawer. So I went up there and rooted through my stuff and found my journal from last year. I started reading it and basically re-lived my Junior year. Talk about interesting. And strange. I never realized how boy-crazy I was last year. Anyway, I was reading it and I stumbled on something I wrote during A.P. History that I thought was cool. It goes as follows:

It's weird because we just read "Imagine" by John Lennon and it talked about having no religion and no heaven or hell and saying that's the only way we'll ever live in peace and I had an epiphany. He was talking about social unrest and he was trying to pin his own unrest on something he feels is wrong, but truthfully, if he would just embrace it he would have inner peace. He's having all this turmoil and the only way he can think to be happy is to try and change the world to his thinking. Instead he could more simply change his own thinking while not necessarily depleting his values and find a peace that can't be interrupted by another persons actions or wishes. I can't help but wonder; if we all did imagine a world with no heaven, no hell, no nations, no war, no religion, if he would truly be happy. I don't think he would be. He'd probably still feel a certain emptiness that couldn't be filled. He'd try to blame it on something else more likely. He'd never feel that peace that he sought so much. It's sad really. He could've been happy if he had just stopped looking at what was wrong with the world and and instead paid attention to what was wrong inside of him. He was so busy trying to change the world he forgot to change himself.

I'll admit it seems a lot less profound at 5:30 on a Sunday afternoon as opposed to 5:30 Sunday morning. But the point remains - despite the fact that I couldn't explain myself so you probably didn't understand what I was trying to say anyway - that the fountain of happiness is within yourself. If you rely on other people to make you happy, you'll never reach it. You'll never truly be happy. Now, that's not to say we shouldn't try and make other people happy. Because we should. Because usually making someone else happy can help you be happy. But you can't always rely on people to cater to your emotions and moods. If you feel depressed you need to handle it yourself. If you need someone to talk to about it, talk about it. But realize that no one can make you happy besides yourself.

Anyway, I think I might get off soon and take a nap. Ten to one I'll be up insanely late tonight, because I'll take a nap around six or seven, wake up around nine or ten, then stay up all night...which will make Monday interesting. :-D

Toodles!

-Jillian

Yeah, I snorted my brownie. It's the quickest way to get the sugar into your system.

¡Hola mi amigos! ¿Como estas? ¡Mi cabeza es en muchos de dolor! Quiero dormir y ir a cama. Y leer mi libro. Es libro bueno. Pero, necesito dormir. Pienso mañana es el fin de semana, y no necesito dormir.

Anyway, that's over. And you know what's awesome? For the most part I didn't use a translator on that. Oopah! I just used it for the stupid upside down punctuations marks and stuff. And the swirly thing over the n. Anyway, I need to tell the story about my gothic day.

Yesterday was Single Awareness Day, more formally known as Valentines Day. Beckah and I decided to be daring and show just what we thought of the cupid and heart laden holiday. Monday night, we prepared. We used this black hair mousse stuff in our hair...only to have it not work. But we persevered! After one emergency trip to Rite-Aid and two boxes of semi-permanent black hair dye later, I was home again, inhaling spaghetti and getting my hair dyed. When I emerged from the shower, my hair was officially "Midnight". Beckah was sitting on a stool, her hair covered in a black slime. She gave me one black-nailed thumbs up as we exchanged looks of triumph. My parents quickly vowed to disown me, stating that my hair was ugly. I didn't care. I was riding high on the adrenaline of looking incredibly pasty.

The day dawned. I was psyched. Beckah came over, and an insane amount of black-eyeliner later, we were prepared. Think black lines streaked under our eyes, grey shadow covered our lids, two black tears streaked permanently down our cheeks, and - to tie it all together - black lips. After donning our completely black outfits - except for our blue and red chuck high-tops, of course - we left for school, smiling and waving at people as we drove by, church music blaring in my mini-van speakers.

As the day progressed, I realized I was unrecognizable. Very few people knew it was me. At least now I know if I ever witness a murder and go into the Wittness Protection program I can go goth and no one will know it's me.

The day ended well. It was a good day actually. I had a lot of fun with my friends, Beckah and I took some suh-weet pictures, and we got some awesome looks in the hallways. I'll probably post some pictures on here when I get them.

Except now I regret my silly impulsive hair attack. I'm not supposed to have black hair. As Raage put so tactfully "You look really white." I asked everyone if they knew what to do to take it out, but no one knows! Mollie said that even washing my hair twenty times a day wouldn't do that much good, but I'm going to try it anyway. I want it out.

I've decided I really like my friends. At least for the most part. ;) Life is treating me pretty well right now, at least if I don't sit and try and analyze my problems. I'm learning just to leave them alone. If others don't want to deal with them, I don't want to either. I'll just focus on the fun things that are happening to me.

Oh, speaking of something funny. We had mutual tonight and it was a combinted activity with both wards. It's always funny being around Nur, because all I hear from Raage is about how much Nur talks and how funny he is, but whenever I'm around the kid, he clams up and doesn't even make eye-contact with me, even when I talk to him. So we're in the gym tonight and most of the people have left. Nur got ditched there without a ride home because Raage was at work (the testosterone-driven pansy! (; ) and was waiting for Bro. Crews to stop talking with Dan so he could ask for a ride. He's sitting watching me do gymnastics for the girls because they get a strange kick out of it, and I see him sitting on the stage and I jump over there and sit by him and I'm all "So do I intimidate you or something?" and he's all "What?" in a very young teenage boy sort of way. I explain of course and he's like "No, you're just scary."

Anyway, I thought it was funny.

I think I may get off and go to sleep. Even though the moon is seriously calling to me. It has been for the past few days. It's just gigantically bright and tempting! I want to go run outside barefoot, through a field. Unfortunately, my feet would be frozen by the time I was out there for even a few seconds.

Alright, going to bed. Well, actually, probably eat some food, do some Bio, maybe read a litte. Anyway, I love you all! Good luck Raage, even though now that I've typed it I realize you're not going to read it before you leave and DO NOT cut your hair unless you really want to see me cry. Seriously. Drive safely Beckah, don't go too spend crazy in Boise. Mollie, I love you. Jeff, I love your hair. What else can I say?

Toodles!

-Jillian

He gave me eyes to speak, to see beyond the words, to understand, to discover...

Okay, I know I just barely posted last night and there hasn't been enough time for people to read it, so you can read it if you want, but there was a story that we read in Young Women's that I have to post. Honestly, this story - and Young Women's in general - made my birthday.

In the beginning – but not really the beginning, only a moment in the span of existence that is always – I learned of a plan of my Heavenly Father for me and my spirit brothers and sister. Himself exalted and perfected and holy, our beloved Father wanted us to have a chance to follow his path. His firstborn, our elder Brother Jesus, would organize a world where we could live and grow and learn to love and truly care. It would be a difficult experience in a world of imperfect men and irrevocable law, and we must choose if we would follow him.

And so I said “Yes” and I waited for my turn.

Jesus set about making a world for me and you, the Father’s children. And one day I left a place I cannot remember now to come here, to begin the union of my life with the earth.

In the hazy brightness that is childhood, there was the first recognition of beauty – the smell of eucalyptus, the first encounters with the sea and sun and sand, and fog – wet droplets on my face, a bee, flowers, and the cypress trees bent strangely by the winds.

And as I grew, so the world became more marvelous; and deep inside began the warm, sweet pain that is earth-love.

Jesus made light that falls soft and silvery at night and makes shadow patterns in the wind – light, golden-blue, and gentle in the days of spring sun – and light that spreads its colors first faintly red to orange to golden, to dispel the blue-black that’s night – sunrise. And I have eyes to see.

And he made me wind to rustle softly through a thousand leaves, glistening silver-slippery water to sing and stumble on its way to the sea, and birds to fill the morning air with soft flute-tones. And I have ears to hear.

He made hands to touch in the bright warmth that is “How are you?” or “I will help” or “I begin to love you”; and eyes to speak, to see beyond the words, to understand, to discover.

He gave me a heart that sees and hears and feels the earth he made, and deep within me earth-love swells to overflowing. He gave me tears of joy to shed.

You have these things too. They are gifts – blessings beyond our ability to receive.

And someday when I have seen Jesus again and my Father has welcomed me back, I hope, with my mate, to be able to begin the direction of a world like this. And our children will turn in the cold sweetness of morning light to heavens of their earth with eyes that glisten with tears born of earth-love to say, “Thank you Father.”

I think I'm going to leave this one up for a while, because I really like it. I was going to post a bunch of other things, like a list of things that I want - I figured since it was my birthday it would be appropriate, especially since some of you have been asking what I wanted for my birthday - but after reading this I realized it didn't matter all that much. Most of them were jokes anyway, some were complaints, others actual needs. Now it seems that it really doesn't matter.

I hope everyone had an awesome Sunday.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Ostracization!!!

I know ostracization is not a word. It should be though. I'm now officially declaring it to be a word. So there.

I just came back from the dance. It was weird. The whole past few days have been weird, and I would like to officially apologize to those I've been hanging out with. I don't know why, but I've been completely lethargic and lackadasical the past few days. I've just been feeling really mellow and not hyper. I could just zone for a majority of time, and sometimes when there are a bunch of loud, hyper people around me I get really irritated. I'm not sure what's up exactly, but it's driving me crazy. Like, my ideal would be to sit somewhere with someone and just have a mellow but thought-provoking conversation. We wouldn't have to talk all the time, but it wouldn't be awkward silence. And trust me, wanting this is kind of weird for me. Usually I'm the kind of person that's very "let's have a huge party and get no sleep and run around and do stupid things and have twenty people around and I'll be the center of all the attention!" Not so much right now. I wish I knew how to fix it, or at least be able to snap out of it during certain times. Because I felt so bad at the dance tonight. There were so many times when I could have done things or said things that would have made the night better, but I just didn't care enough or have the energy to do it.

Maybe I just need food.

I really wanna sleep right now. Tomorrow's my birthday. Yeah. Basically that's it. I'll be 18. Can buy things I couldn't before. Whoopie. Though I guess I can't, because Sam hasn't given me money yet. I want to speak Spanish. I want to play guitar. I want to learn everything. I must know everyone, and everything about certain people.

I'm going to eat food and go to sleep.

Toodles

-Jillian

It's called friendship...it's like therapy for poor people.

Hello again Mi Frijolos! And yeah, for all that speak Spanish, I know that makes zero sense. It's a fun inside joke thingy from the...what, ninth grade is it Mollie? Those were good times. Anyway, thinking about the ninth grade has pushed me on another "Jimmy Eat World" fettish...ha...Tamson..."I have a fettish, with girls...who brush their teeth." That has to be one of those "you have to be there things", along with the thing about Ms. Looney. "Yeah, there's more Tamson where that comes from." Aaaaah, sometimes rehersal isn't all that bad...namely when you're hiding behind stage. Those are the good times.

Anyway, the whole point of this blog thing. It's kind of to let off some strange emotions I've been feeling lately. Not so much emotions really, just thoughts. I've been in a peculiarly thoughtful mood lately. Pensive. It's a good word to describe it. It's not like the mood has been bad. It's just be interesting. It's forced me to look at some things that I've done and things that've happened to me, even way back when I was six or seven. It's like I'm finally learning from the experiances I've had.

Anyway, off that tangent and onto what I was actually going to write and say. Here's what it is: It's like I'm caught in this invisible tug-of-war with my friends lately. As Jeff and I discussed in a conversation one night, it's like you fit in more than one group or clique, but don't really belong in any or either. It's a strange feeling. It's interesting though. It's especially interesting now that my parents are asking what I want to do for a birthday party. I have so many groups of friends that would mix about as well as oil and water. But at the same time I can't just be like "Um, I pick you and you and you, but not you" and leave out some people. That would make me really sad inside because I hate it when people do that to others.

Any one have any suggestions? Basically, my idea is to have some random type of get-together after the basketball game - probably going to Denny's and getting hot cocoa, because I haven't done that for a really long time with a group of friends and I'm feeling that need - and then some girls spending the night. And then the dance on Saturday of course, which makes me super excited - even if it is a Valentines Day Dance.

I just want a happy, semi-calm but still fun group to come together and have fun. No wrestling this time. Which is weird, coming from me, I know. Oh well. Any ideas? Any? At all? Please?

Anyway, I think I enjoy having lyrics on my blog, so here's the one for today. It's "My Sundown" from Jimmy Eat World (see above in blog). Some of the lyrics are taken out because it's repetitive, but I think it's a cool song.

I see it around me, I see it in everything.

I could be so much more than this.

I said my goodbye's

this is my sundown.

I'm gonna be so much more than this.

With one hand high,

you'll show them your progress.

You'll take your time,

but no one cares.

No one cares.

I need you to show me the way from crazy.

I wanna be so much more than this.

Icould be so much more than this.

No one cares.

I wanna be so much more than this.

So I think I'm going to go practice guitar now. Guitar makes me happy. :-D

Toodles!

-Jillian

Change...

I think I'm breaking out

I'm gonna leave you now

There's nothing for me here, it's all the same

And even though I know

That everything might go

Go downhill from here,

I'm not afraid

Way away, away from here I'll be

Way away, away so you can see

How it feels to be alone and not believe

Feels to be alone and not believe

Anything

You can't stop me now

You can't hold me down

You can't keep me here, I'm on my way

I made it this far now

And I'm not burning out

No matter what you say, I'm not afraid

Way away, away from here I'll be

Way away, away so you can see

How it feels to be alone and not believe

Feels to be alone and not believe

Anything

Letting out the noise inside of me

Every window pane is shattering

Cutting off my words before I speak

Cutting off my words

This is how it feels to not believe

Letting out the noise inside of me

Every window pane is shattering

Cutting off my words before I speak

Cutting off my words

This is how it feels to not believe

Way away, away from here I'll be

Way away, away so you can see

How it feels to be alone and not believe

Feels to be alone and not believe

Anything

So, I've come to the conclusion that my biggest fear might be change. I can't quite explain it. Most of my friends have the attitude that change happens and there's nothing you can do about it. Unfortunately, I'm too uptight to think that way. Well, at least some of the time. Some change I can take, happily. Like changing your hair. Little changes are okay, like changes in class schedules. Yeah, I miss talking to Raage before 4th and seeing Brandon during 2nd and talking to Jackie and Larissa during 1st, but I like walking with Meghan to 5th and seeing Brandon after fourth and meeting up with Larissa everynow and then to remember the good old days in 1st period Spanish. Those are the okay kind of changes. That's cool. But when the change comes like moving further away from friends or stuff like that...I hate that kind of change. The mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. I'm probably overly-paranoid about all of it, and that paranoia might actually accelerate the change, therefore bringing about the sadness that comes whenever a change occurs. So it's pointless to worry about it, I should just let it happen, but I can't seem to. It's always there, like something just out of the corner of your eye. You can't focus on it or see it, but you know it's there.

And this is what goes on in my mind when I'm left alone for too long.

Anyway, life is pretty good right now. Except for one small blip on the radar, this week has gone pretty well. Not as good as last week though. Man, last week was amazing. I'm planning on making this week as good though.

So church today was very good. Despite the random tangents about Unicorns and Mermaids - though that imagine of a fish eating a person still makes me giggle - I got a lot out of the Sunday School lesson, and the lesson in Young Women's too. It's funny, because the things I'm most afraid of and the things I'm looking forward to the least are the things that we seem to talk about in church and Seminary. Well, maybe not that things I look forward to the least, but definitely the things I need the most.

I have the hardest time letting people know how grateful I am to them. I think I may attempt writing letters to certain people, but at the same time there's always a certain fear there that if I tell them how I feel about them they're going to be like "wow, this girl's creepy" and think I'm all stalker-esque and stuff, which would make friendships slightly awkward. Just slightly of course. So yeah, there's my dilemma. Anyway, for now I'll just say to all my friends that are reading this blog, thanks for being there despite my bi-polar moments and my close-mindedness and my inability to see things from your point of view. You guys are awesome and I don't know what I would do without you.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Love is not to be confused with adhesive tape

Aaaaah, good memories! I still haven't sent this out to anyone yet, but I love these pictures anyway. The best one is of Ben, Logan, and I think Steven. Ben is Nancy Drew.

So I just got back from baby-sitting. The kids were freaking adorable and half-Romanian actually. The youngest one - Tavi (short for Octavian) - looked like the classic Eastern European. He had this huge brown eyes and pale long face that just looked naturally melancholy. Even Anika looked like that, though she was smiling almost the entire time - not to mention bouncing off the walls. But yeah, it was fun. Especially with the whole "chocoalte at Safeway" thing. And of course, Ethan Andrew Jacobson was just plain adorable. I still can't decide if he's an ugly baby or insanely cute.

My life is somewhat boring right now. I haven't offically "hung-out" with anyone in the longest time. Don't get me wrong, I see them all the time, but never to just be with them and do something fun. Maybe I can start doing stuff...except probably not. When I don't have rehersal they're busy with something else. Our schedules just don't mesh.

Sad.

I've officially finished applying for BYU-I scholarships. Halelujah! That free's up a lot of time...not to mention takes off a lot of stress. Now I can stress about Bio and other fun stuff...like Calculus. *sigh* I wish I understood math. It's...but that's not important.

There's this really cool song I know and have been wanting to post it on here, but my format has been retarded on here so I haven't been able to write it down.

But I've got to go. I must go clean my room! And probably go to bed soon, since I'm going to church at 9 tomorrow.

I hope you guys - meaning MaeLee and Maegan and Jeff...maybe... - had an awesome time at All-State!

Toodles!

-Jillian

It's another obvious attempt on our lives. We have been saved only by the fact that I am enormously well-bred.

I feel so sick right now. It's not even cool. It's the weird feeling you get when you've done too many sit-ups and your abs are tight across your stomach, except I keep having stomach cramps too. I ended up having to leave church during sacrament meeting because I was feeling like pooh. It also doesn't help that I have the sniffles and sneezes and stuffy nose too...and if I finished this sentance correctly, I would sound like Dr. Suess. Ha...ha ha ha...anyway, everytime I sneeze or cough it just makes my stomach hurt even worse.

I ended up working on scholarship applications for BYU-I. I have most of the stuff ready, I just need to video-tape the actual audition. Except I need to find a theatre peice, but it shouldn't be that hard. And, once I get my EOU transcript sent in and pay the fee I have officially applied.

Why can't applying to college be easy? Just click once, and you're done?

Anyway, yesterday was fun, beside the whole feeling sick most of the time thing. I went over to the Scheonfelders and played around with Jackie until the game at three, watched it with MaeLee and Maegan (good job Jared! It was sweet, as were your shoes!), B.S.ed with Maegan and a little while with Raage, then watched the Varsity game (again, good going Jared!), then went home. Jackie called me up later to see if I wanted to do something, but I was feeling like crap, so decided not too. Though I am slightly peturbed that Raage took my guitar paper. I really wanted to work on it last night. And after all that crap with stealing stuff he makes off with it...*shakes head*

Hm...anything else interesting going on in my life? Not really. New classes start tomorrow. I have first with Raage and Jeff, second with Katleyn, third with...well, everyone, fourth with Dan, Isha, Meghan, Sam, etc, etc, etc...and then fifth with Beckah and Raage and probably a bunch of other people like Reed who managed to make it through the painstaking process of the La Grande High School math system.

My fingers are freezing. Mayhaps it's from typing. Or perhaps it's because I've spent the last few hours knitting. And watching some pretty good T.V. I watched this thing on the "Bible Code" where people are trying to figure out the hidden code in the Torah, and then there was this thing on the discovery Heath channel about people who inherit two complete sets of DNA. It was sweet. Now we're watching "Murder by Death" which my dad claims is the origional "Clue"

Anyhoo, I think I'm going to go now, and read some more of "Dragon Reborn" I've managed to read 450 pages of it - during finals week. How amazing am I? Anyhoo, I need to finish it and get it back to Raage before I damage it and feel completely wretched.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Sure, I may look asleep, but underneath this apathetic exterior I’m as alert as a gazelle.

This title completely describes this week. Except I wasn't as alert as a gazelle. Not by a far shot.

Anyway, I just got back from the Scheonfelders. It was fun. I hung out with Meghan and Jackie and a German exchange student from Germany...I mean Union. Obviously if she's a German exchange student she's from Union...I mean Germany. GAH! Ohmigosh, flashbacks to A.P. Comp today. I tried to write "sinus infection" and it came out "science competition." Man...I was having huge issues today. At least when it comes to communicating my ideas. What else happened today? I turned my Senior pictures in. Went to rehersal. Resisted the urge to dive tackle people and hug them. About passed out three or four times. Experianced vertigo several times. Ooh, and I got angry once, but what are you gonna do? I'll blame it on my lack of zzzz's.

Which reminds me that I need to get my Eastern transcript. And the odd thing is, talking about lacking sleep actually made me think of my transcript.

I think I might eat dinner. I had some Ramen before rehersal - which was fun because I was so unable to focus on anything...I think I messed up on every song, not to mention it was embarrassing having Mr. Jacobson pull me out in front of everyone, but that's a different story - but now I'm hungry again. I did steal some of Meghan's spaghetti...you know, I really don't like that word...spaghetti...actually, I do, it's just confusing to spell at times. I hate writing notes when I'm tired. I tried to write guillotine today and I couldn't do it. Raage - who I was writing the note to - had to tell me how to spell it. How sad is that? *shakes head* I'm pitiful, I swear.

Okay, leaving now.

Oh, one more quick announcement. 1ST SEMESTER AND FINALS ARE OVER! HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!

Toodles everyone!

-Jillian

Hello, my name is Alatáriël Nénharma, or, in flobbit land, Myrtle Sandybanks

Yes, I was trying to translate Latin and managed to stumble upon an elvish name translator that also linked to a hobbit name-translator.

It's the little things in life...

Anyway, I need to talk to Raage about the stupid essay. I would have done it today, but he looked like if I walked through the door at Exxon, he and his dad both would chop my head off. Or rather, he would chop my head off and his dad wouldn't stop him. Which, personally, I don't thinkthat's an enjoyable way to spend a Sunday evening.

I wonder if he would have used one of the Exxon squeegies to decapitate me. I think that would be slightly painful. Like on Harry Potter, how that one dude got his head chopped off with a blunt ax.

So I'm really tired. It's aggravating, really, because I seem to get enough sleep, but I'm always tired. Like, REALLY tired. It makes me angry. For instance, it's gotten to the fact that once I sit down I never want to get up again. For example, last night and today during church numerous times. And right now, the only reason I'm still rambling is because I'm too lazy to get off my duff and go to bed.

Oh, congratulations Baxter, on your new glasses. I look forward to seeing you in them. Or seeing them on you. Whatever is grammatically correct. Which reminds me, I should study for my finals. See, if I get A's on all of them, it will help my GPA. If I get B's or lower on them, it will lower my GPA. It's a rather precarious situations I've gotten myself into. I hate myself for it, but what are you going to do?

Do you think it's possible to have seasonal depression as a teenager? If so, I am totally moving somewhere where it's sunny 300 days out of the year. I don't care if it's a desert. I'm willing to live in excrutiating heat as long as I don't hit the winter blues like I have for the past few years.

You know, I hate having this whole "sense of trust" thing going on. The fact that I never feel like I can share peoples conversations or anything that they've said to me really dampers my conversations. It also doesn't help how people have emotional connections to other people, which hinders the whole "open discussion" thing anyway. Jeesh. Who invented emotions anyway? They're so pointless!

I'm feeling slightly goofy.

And I think I should sign off now, because I'm trying to instante message two people right now, and they won't leave me alone!

Ha...two guys won't stop talking to me. What's a girl to do?

Toodles!

-Jillian

If I'm so smart, tell me, why am I still so afraid?

So, yeah. There's so much going on in my head right now. I just want to scream and run away and beat someone up and cry and talk to someone. But I can't. I won't let myself. Why won't I let myself do what I want and what I need? Because, I can't stand to let anyone know I'm dependant on them. I'm so afraid that if I do it'll just...why am I like this?! I want to go talk but I know I won't let myself. I've tried so hard to get to the point I'm at right now and now all I want is to go back. I hate fighting with myself. That's all I seem to do. I want to talk, but I don't want them to know, they figure it out and then I clam up even though I'm crying to say what I want, I can't. I get so stuck in a mode that I can't get out of it.

I hate myself. I hate myself and I hate everyone else too.

Would you shut up? I’m trying to talk to myself here!

It's it too early to start a countdown for Spring Break? It's not so much that I want to get away from school - which I do, but what else is new? - but I want to do the road-trip thing! I talked to Nick about it briefly last night and I think we may actually do it, which will be incredibly awesome.

So right now I'm taking a break from my Bio homework. My head is swimming with thoughts of DNA and RNA and Fraenkel-Conrat and Watson and Crick and a bunch of other people who had something to do with discovering DNA. And thoughts of other things that I seem to be getting off on more and more. Which is why I've decided to sit here and write them down for a little bit.

Life is strange. Sometimes I feel like I'm in that one car commercial where the car drives by and everything changes around it. I feel like I'm the car, everything changing as I go by, but I stay the same. Things happen to those around me and those I'm friends with and all I can do is keep driving by. Then there are sometimes when I feel like life is passing me by. It's the whole "Best Two Years" Syndrome when Elder Rodgers is standing in the middle of the crowd and they all run past him about their lives without noticing him. And of course there are those times when everything just seems to be perfect, like a walk in the country when the sun is setting is just setting during the summer.

It's funny. I'm reading a book now that's too complicated to explain even in a reader digest version, but there's this one part in it that made me think about the drama's of high school. In a country called Cairhien they play this game called Daes Dae'mar and it's basically a political chess game. Who talks to who and what is said and who spends time with who and what they do is monitored and from that you tell alliances and the whole "my friends enemy is my enemy" thing applies and I read it and was like "ohmigosh! This is High School!" And I started laughing. It was a semi-malicious laugh of course, but still a laugh.

I don't like playing this game much. It gets too confusing. I figure I'll talk to who I want to, be nice to who I want to - which is basically everyone - and just do what I want. Unfortunately, I can't expect people to take this too well. There are people who I hang out with who seem to be so caught up in everything that they're determined to make my life miserable. I'll admit they succeed sometimes. Alright, a majority of the time. Luckily I still have people who don't get so caught up in that stuff that can make me feel better and realize what's really important.

Thank Heaven for those people.

I suppose since there's opposition in all things it only makes sense that there are those people who try and bring you down. You know what I don't like? I don't like people that have issues with you that they try and hide. It's funny, because I can usually tell when someone has an issue with me, and I think it's funny how they get so frustrated trying to be nice to my face and then explode when they're alone because they have this problem with me. I would personally rather talk to a person I have an issue with than put myself through that emotional wring-dryer of pretending to be fine. That's so last year. *rolls eyes* Ha...ha...okay, I'm laughing at myself here, and I'm sure I'm the only one because sarcasm doesn't transfer well in writing, and neither does the prissy girl voice that I heard that typed with in my head.

And I sound like I'm insane, so I'm shutting up.

Alright, I'm going to go finish up my homework. And I should probably come up with an idea for the whole Angela's Ashes essay.

Toodles!

-Jillian

We're not human beings have a spiritual experiance, we are spiritual beings have a human experiance

I think winter makes people melancholy.

Today was a strange day. I woke up feeling completely grouchy and angry. There was no reason for this. Last night was enjoyable, as was most of the day, but the joy of New Years Even didn't seem to run into the morn of New Years Day. I hope this isn't a forecast for the rest of this year.

Anyway, I went to church and flew on "Good Girl Auto-Pilot", something I've been using lately. But then we had Young Women's. It was honestly an answer to a prayer. And I just had this thought I had to share, because it makes all the difference to me, and if I manage to apply it in my life I know I'll be happier and a better person. After the lesson started this idea hit me so hard that it almost knocked the breath out of me:

If I spent half as much time working on and thinking and worrying about my relationship with Heavenly Father and Christ as I did dwelling on my relationships with friends, my life would be better and easier, less confusing and dramatic, more liberating and joyous. Happier.

More specifically, I wouldn't be plauged by the inadequacies that I've been feeling lately, I would be more open to the promptings of the spirit. I wouldn't worry about what others thought of me and I wouldn't let those thoughts affect my choices. And - the thing that seemed to bolster me the most - I wouldn't need to worry about what others thought, because if I focused on Christ I would be on the path Heavenly Father has planned for me. If that meant the people I was trying to please wouldn't accept me because I stop paying as much attention to them it wouldn't matter because then it wouldn't be part of Heavenly Fathers plan. I don't know if I'm explaining this right, but I hope you get my meaning.

So, for all of you having a hard time, and those that will go through hard times and have gone through hard times (I'm fairly certain that includes all of us, every single person in this world), just remember this and hopefully it'll help.

Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you
(Doctrine and Covenants Section 88:63)

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land in the stars..or just float around in space awhile, wondering how you shot yourself off in a rocket

So, what to write. My sister's officially married. As my dad put it "I don't have to worry about her anymore, she's his responsibility." Everyone asks me how it feels to have a sister married and if I'm going to miss her. I'm always like "Hey, I get my own bathroom now, it's sweet!"

You know, I really hate it when people ask that. "How does it feel that you're sisters married and gone?" It's like they actually expect me to turn to them and bare my soul. Hello, I hardly know you. Even those that I do know fairly well I just look at them and smile, saying "It's weird, but I'm happy for her," all the while I'm thinking "Did you actually expect me to tell you what I'm really thinking and feeling? Puh, fat chance! Who do you think you are, anyway?" Which is rude, I'll admit. But I guess I'm sort of weird like that. There are only two or three people I'd be willing to talk to about it and be honest with. Luckily, none of them have really pressed me about it.

Oh, you want to know something funny? Actually, it's kind of sad, but I thought it was humorous. I was going into Wal-Mart today to buy needles and yarn (I'm attempting to knit a scarf...I'll probably be able to start it, it'll start twisting, I'll lose and add stitches all over the place, get INCREDIBLY frustrated, and finally just ask my dad to do it.) and there were these three girls coming out of the store. They were dressed very girly - sparkly belts that matched their purses that matched their shoes, cute little T-shirts and that were fluffy and feminine, and they're all walking out together - and all three are talking on Cell Phones. Seriously. All three. And I highly doubt they were talking to each other. They were just walking and talking to their phones. Am I the only one that sees the idiocracy in that?

Alright, so I think I'm going to go. I rented "The Interpreter" at Blockbuster and my parents and my Aunt and Uncle want to watch it. And it would be really nice if THE WHITTAKERS COULD CALL ME SO WE COULD PRACTICE OUR STUPID SONG THAT WE GOT ROPED INTO SINGING FOR TOMORROW'S PARTY!!!! But I'm not bitter. Oh, and Raage, I have a confession about your hair. And I was going to write it, but I realized you probably wouldn't read it, since you don't read the blogs unless we specifically tell you to and since I'll HOPEFULLY see you at the party - if you choose to grace us with your presence - I'll tell you then. And I still don't know why I'm writing to you since, as I stated above, you won't read this.

Oh well, HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Toodles!

-Jillian

p.s. I suck at Video Games, and it makes me REALLY angry!

Just because you have a sports bra doesn't mean that you can do whatever you want! - Jessica Wheeler (Waite in three days!)

Hello everyone! I hope everyone had a Holly Jolly Christmas. I did. My dad taught me to knit and I've been trying at it ever since. Of course it's only been about 24 hours since the first "lesson" but I already have an issue. I somehow managed to double my original stitches. Dad doesn't get how I did it, and I sure as heck don't get it either.

Anyway, as most of you know already, I went to midnight mass on Saturday night/Sunday morning. Most of you are wondering why I went. I guess I don't have a concrete reason. I was driving past the church on Tuesday, saw the nativity and was like "that's cool, I wonder what Midnight Mass is like" and so I went. It was neat, but we decided that if we went to it again, we'd want to go to a traditional one.

I GOT AN AIR SOFT GUN FOR CHRISTMAS! Of course I still don't know how to use it. It's not working right, so I think I'm going to take it over to the Haynes's and see if they can show me what I'm doing wrong. I also need to run to Bi-Mart and see if they have the straightener I want so I can finally give Isha's back. I've had it for like, a month. It's sad really. I figure if I find it, I'll give Isha the new one and keep the old one. And I kind of want to go see Baxter's new "motorcycle" And I kind of want to do something tonight, but I'm too lazy to organize it. Don't you love it when that happens? *sigh*

Actually, I need to do my Bio, clean my room, ask Isha if I can borrow her "Angela's Ashes" (very important), and I want to read that one book I have...I think it's The Eye of the World, and knit some more. The one thing I hate about knitting is that when you do it, you really can't do anything else. You can listen and talk, but that's about it.

Anyway, I'd better go. Only three hours of daylight left!

Toodles!

-Jillian

p.s. I hate winter...

When I do push you away I hope there’s a little man behind you so you fall and hit your head

Ah, the wonders of being able to make Raage mad! I admit though, I do feel sorta bad about it. When we were doing it I realized he would be ticked. But what I think is funny is that Jared and Dan didn't think it was that bad. And - no matter how 'angry' he was - he didn't leave the second he got his stuff. They didn't actually leave until I told them to. And even then they stayed a few minutes more.

Anyway, to clarify what happened. *clears throat*

We had a bunch of people over tonight for a little Christmas get-together thingy. Everyone had left but Jared, Dan, Raage, and Isha. I had stolen Coopers keys and wallet, Jareds coat, and Raage's hoodie and hid them up in my room. Cooper had already left because he found his wallet and keys, but I was blackmailing Raage, Jared, and Dan - because Dan's a meesly sophomore and needs rides everywhere - that I would only give them their stuff if they helped me with my dishes.

They were stupid, and instead sat around in my living room with me and Isha, periodically wrestling with me and trying to watch TV for about a half hour. A half hour in which they could have been helping me with dishes, might I point out. But anyway, they finally leave to go to Jared's to play Halo (boys are such goobers...) and leave their stuff here. Basically what it was was Raage - who is more or less the leader of "the doofus squad" - wouldn't give in to me out of male-pride so they just gave up and left.

So me and Isha do the dishes then we're like "you know, we feel sort of bad. Let's be the bigger people and give them back their stuff." So we get their stuff and put it on. I wear Raage's hoodie and Isha wears Jared's coat. I was going to wear both, but it was freakishly hot. Anyway, we go over to the Haynes's, Sister Haynes let's us in and we go up to where the boys are playing. We stand their for a few seconds before I'm like "and they say there's no violence in the media"...and nothing happens. They don't even acknowledge us. They make some comment about "did you bring our stuff" or something, but basically they just keep shooting and killing whatever the heck boys kill when they play video games.

So now it's time for female pride to kick in. I can honestly say that if they had turned around and acknowledged our existence, we would have given their stuff back. It might have taken a while, but we would have eventually before we left. But no, this hurt the female ego.

Instead, we go into Jared's room and - with his mom's permission and his sisters help - take his M3P player, water bottle, and goggles, and we leave a note saying "hope you don't mind...we borrowed some stuff. Jillian y Isha, con amour!" We then go to Raage's car and - honestly - that boy has a boring car. Or at least it's boring now that me and Meghan cleaned it out. But that's beside the point. From his car we take a flashlight and - get this - a fire extinguisher. Something every teenager should have, of course. I know I carry one around with me wherever I go. In there, we leave a note that says "THIS IS WAR! p.s. thanks for the flashlight and the fire extinguisher." And the whole Jillian and Isha thing. And see, with Raage, when we took the flashlight I was like "hm...this probably doesn't belong to him, I'm going to get in trouble. ...Oh well, too late now." And of course, it turned out it didn't belong to him.

Oh, one more thing. We hid Dan and Raage's shoes. They were right there, I had to!

But anyway, about twenty minutes after I get home, they come in and they're acting all mad. I have a strange feeling they tried to pump themselves up. Then they attempt to chew me out, but my mom steps in, using church doctrine. You gotta love my mom. By the time they left it seemed like only Raage was still mad - which I sorta knew he would be. Again, I feel kind of bad, but hey, what's done is done.

I wish they had been more creative though. Couldn't they have attacked our rooms at night? Ransacked my car? Toilet paper-ed my house? or even gone in our rooms and taken some stuff? *sigh* boys are so unoriginal. Okay, maybe not boys. Kyle or Devin would have probably done something back. I think it's just these boys. They're so boring. Too bad I love them anyway.

Toodles!

-Jillian

I love you. I just can't stand to be around you

Hola! I've decided to be a non-conformist and actually post on my blog. ;)

Not much is going on. Just hanging around, waiting for things to happen. Which reminds me that I have to call Meghan and see if I can get the book back. And that I need to write a paper on Microbe Hunters (which I would reccomend to anyone interested in Micro-biology).

I'm going to try and finish reading Three Musketeers and Tale of Two Cities. And I have to read Angela's Ashes...once I find it. :-S

I'm supposed to go caroling again tonight. This'll make it time number five I think. I love caroling. I think we should get a gigantic group together sometime and just walk around so we don't have to carpool. That and it really is fun to walk while caroling. I think I'll look at the weather and see when it might be warm enough to walk around. Granted, we don't want, like, fifty people, because that wouldn't be caroling, that would be massing at people's houses (a massive mass of mass went to mass...haha...A.P. Comp, good times.) but I think fifteen or twenty would be okay.

Friday night was fun. I had my recital and then we had the Christmas Party and caroling. That was thrown together and I ended up sharing a hymnal with Raage and Jeff, which was toooooooootally fine by me ;). Actually, walking in the back of the choir group Friday during school was good too. I was completely surrounded by Basses and Tenors. It was suh-weet!

I'm excited for Christmas Break! Sleeping, reading, watching Chronicles of Narnia, playing checkers by the fake fireplace while listening to a skipping "Muppet Christmas Carol" CD. *sigh* AND, according to weather.com, it's supposed to snow a majority of this week. CAN LIFE GET ANY BETTER!? I can only think of a few ways to make it so, but for now it's good enough for me.

Hope to see you all soon! Ooh! I think we should have a caroling party where we go sledding afterwards - and, of course, hot cocoa. And maybe watching Muppet Christmas Carol, because it's the coolest Christmas movie EVER. Now I'm excited. WHOOPIE!

Toodles!

-Jillian

Canes are sexual creatures. Stick them in a box long enough, they're bound to reproduce!

Ah, Devin Frasier. Gotta love the kid.

Anyway, I've decided that my entire world has been flipped upside down. Everything that I always thought was right is now wrong, and I'm feeling soooooooooo guilty right now. It's so frustrating! This one thing has happened and it's just made my world spin and made me realize a lot of things about myself. Things that I really don't like and I have to apologize for. But the one person I really need to apologize too...I don't know how that'll go over. Well, actually, there are three people I feel I need to talk to, but two of them would be really weird, and I think the third will just think I'm stupid.

I never thought I'd find myself in this position. I completely set myself up for this and it's all my fault that it happened. But...ugh, I can't explain it! Anyway, I'm going to go make cookies that we can eat after carolling tonight.

Toodles!

-(a very confused) Jillian