If I give you one thought for a penny, even though it cost me a quarter, do you even notice? What's more, do you even care?

Wow...I'm a bundle of mixed emotions right now. Emotions that I can't write because they have to deal with someone outside of me, someone I'm not sure about. It tears me up! Why do I have to be so helpless? I'm so afraid, but what I feel doesn't compare to what they have to be feeling right now. I'm afraid for them, afraid that I won't be able to help them, afraid of what will happen, afraid that they'll self-destruct and I'll not be able to do anything. Or worse, that I'll be there and they'll want my help but I won't notice or I'll be too afraid to notice.

I can never trust myself. It seems that every time I trust my instincts and assume something, it turns the other way. Everything is so precarious, balancing on the edge of a knife. If I move one way it'll bring happiness, but if I move the other it will only bring sadness and despair to my life, as well as others. So instead I stand still, waiting for others to show me which way to move.

This is a bad choice. It leaves me vulnerable to others. Certain People have the ability to alter my mood with only a few words, and I hate that fact. Besides, I leave people unsure of my feelings. Which - surprisingly - I'm not unsure of a majority of the time. I'm just unsure of how to express them, or what would happen if I did.

And that brings me full circle. I don't know what to do. I know who to tell who would be able to do the things that I think someone should do, but I'm not sure if it's my place to do it. The fact is, I'm pretty sure it's not. So I'm stuck here, venting and talking in circles in a blog that no one will probably care to read.

Here's a poem that I found interesting. It made me think a lot, especially now that most of us are leaving High School moving on. It's obviously about someone who cares about someone else, but it could be taken so many ways; friends, romantic, parental, sibling, anything. Anyway, here it is:

Sculpted me
Changed me
Forced me out
Made me think
Made me better
This you’ve done for me

What have I done for you?
What have I done in return?

I look
I feel
I smile
I try
You don’t seem to notice

I’ve hidden it
Shown only a little
To you

I am bitter
I am open
Vulnerable

You are closed
Shut off from me

You’re perfect
You’re ideal
You’re interesting
You’re appealing
But you’re far away

Like a sunset on the horizon
Close, but untouchable

You’re the only one
I feel comfortable
Protected
Safe

Sometimes you feel so close
Sometimes I think you care
Others
You’re distant

And I’m commonplace

Isn't that sort of depressing? I guess I like depressing poetry then. Anyway, I guess what I'm getting at with this is, you never realize who you're helping. And that's what's driving me insane with this person that I was referring to before. They've helped me by hurting me, and now I want to help them by soothing them. I just don't know how. Agh! I hate not having control! Stupid Chaucer and being right! I just feel if I could help this person this once I'd make all the horrible things I've done to them better. Instead I'm sitting here, venting to a computer screen on a blog that no one will quite understand.

Anyway, I hope you all had a wonderful Sunday. See you tomorrow.

Toodles

-Jillian

Early to bed, early to rise, if that doesn't work, anything flies

That quote is from Raage, and I must say it's a good life motto.

So, I got home about a half hour ago. Yet again I was at the school from 7 in the morning until 8 at night. Honestly Raage, how did you do it last year? I now have a deeper respect for you brother. It's not so much the "being-in-one-place-forever" thing as it is "I-have-no-time-to-eat-food-so-I-have-no-energy" thing. I even ate a lot during lunch - well, a lot for me - and wasn't hungry until about 15 minutes into rehersal. Then I felt myself dragging. That started my whole "pep-talk" thing, which I think went over pretty well, since after that you could just feel everyone start trying more. They were asking for help and everything. Though I was about to kill Kasey Walker. I'm not joking, if I had a gun that kid would be dead and I might be in jail - if anyone cared enough to turn me in. Or if I had had enough energy to jump on stage and throttle him the same scenerio might have played out. And I know this is incredibly mean. He's really not that bad, but he just wouldn't SHUT UP! And I wouldn't have minded - because I know Isha's going to read that last sentence and get a smug little grin on her face ;) - if he just knew what the dances were, but for Spanish Rose he's right in the middle and he SUCKS!!! At least Tamson sucks in inconspicuous ways during that dance, and during Telephone Hour it works for his character. But Kasey? *sigh*

Ha, and if Meghan ever reads this - which I don't think she will because I don't even think she knows I have this blog - thanks for the whole Evylyn thing. And I know you noticed her get off the last time on the "Healthy, Normal American Boy" dance where she "was counting in her head" and knew she "was right." Ha

And this is what happens to me when I become sleep deprived. I become really sort of wicked. And it's not like these people are bad people or anything, because they're not and I can usually get along with them. But I'm just tired (and if Raage reads this he's probably thinking I'm a baby, since he was probably up as late as I was, but :P on you! Cletus is hurting.) It was bad today, seriously, during Calculus I passed out repeatedly. I was reading about logs and all of a sudden there were Aes Sedai in my head. Then I would have the realization that I was alseep and wake up.

Which might explain why I only vaguely remember what we learned about.

Alright, I think I'm going to get off and read and make chocolate chip cookies. But oh, one more thing that happened at rehersal. I now officially belong to Sam. He licked me. On the face.

What happened was we were dancing "Honestly Sincere" or rather, trying to since we all take our cues off of Beckah, including Sam, and she was gone. But when I realized this, I jumped off the stage and went to tell this to Jacobson. While I was talking to him, Sam did his whole "making girls pass out thing" and as I jump back on the stage I'm one of the only girls left standing. I cry "Ha! I'm immune to Conrad Birdie charm!" And he comes over to me with his Tommy Hilfiger underwear model face on, walks up to me - I'm expecting him to stop - and licks me on the side of the face! I screamed, because I honestly was not expecting it at all.

Okay, I'm getting off now. I was thinking about maybe calling some people up for a movie, but I've emerged in the tired part of my mood where I'm incredibly touchy and tactile. I would also like to reiterate how comforting and calming it is to be laying on someone's moving chest. Whenever I'm having a bad day that has to be one of the best things to make things better, along with a hold.

But now I'm really getting off topic. I'm going to go put cookies in the oven!

Toodles!

-Jillian

p.s. Raage, that's St. Mark's cathedral

"That beer-drinking hussy." -Sis. McCmoil in Young Women's

Hello! I like Sunday's. It's sort of weird though. Every Sunday I wake up I'm all apathetic and don't want to do anything besides lie around, and I feel all heavy and depressed inside. Then I manage to pull myself together to go to church. And I sit through Sacrament meeting, usually end up feeling a little better. Then there's Sunday School - if I go to it :S - which makes me a bit more chipper, and finally Young Women's. By then I'm usually feeling pretty dang good. Today was slightly different though, due to the fact that I'm slightly sick (I'm still debating who to blame it on, Raage, Beckah, my dad, Ms. Shannon, the list goes on...) and that I was an idiot and stayed up until 6 this morning.

Funny story about that though. I was pretty tired around 12:30, so I got off-line with the full intention of going to bed. Unfortunately, I remembered that I wanted to check Katelyn's blog before I went to bed as well as look at a lunar calendar. So I got back on MSN. I was about to leave again and go to bed when I looked at the "My Trip to Europe" scrapbook page that I had started before I began chatting and realized I wanted to finish it.

Around 4:oo I realized I had scrapbooked most of my trip to London and that...well, it was 4:00 in the morning. I was immediately grateful that I wasn't on the 9:00 church schedule. But I wasn't tired either. So I remembered that I had saved some stuff - maps and the like - from my Europe trip and had them up in my drawer. So I went up there and rooted through my stuff and found my journal from last year. I started reading it and basically re-lived my Junior year. Talk about interesting. And strange. I never realized how boy-crazy I was last year. Anyway, I was reading it and I stumbled on something I wrote during A.P. History that I thought was cool. It goes as follows:

It's weird because we just read "Imagine" by John Lennon and it talked about having no religion and no heaven or hell and saying that's the only way we'll ever live in peace and I had an epiphany. He was talking about social unrest and he was trying to pin his own unrest on something he feels is wrong, but truthfully, if he would just embrace it he would have inner peace. He's having all this turmoil and the only way he can think to be happy is to try and change the world to his thinking. Instead he could more simply change his own thinking while not necessarily depleting his values and find a peace that can't be interrupted by another persons actions or wishes. I can't help but wonder; if we all did imagine a world with no heaven, no hell, no nations, no war, no religion, if he would truly be happy. I don't think he would be. He'd probably still feel a certain emptiness that couldn't be filled. He'd try to blame it on something else more likely. He'd never feel that peace that he sought so much. It's sad really. He could've been happy if he had just stopped looking at what was wrong with the world and and instead paid attention to what was wrong inside of him. He was so busy trying to change the world he forgot to change himself.

I'll admit it seems a lot less profound at 5:30 on a Sunday afternoon as opposed to 5:30 Sunday morning. But the point remains - despite the fact that I couldn't explain myself so you probably didn't understand what I was trying to say anyway - that the fountain of happiness is within yourself. If you rely on other people to make you happy, you'll never reach it. You'll never truly be happy. Now, that's not to say we shouldn't try and make other people happy. Because we should. Because usually making someone else happy can help you be happy. But you can't always rely on people to cater to your emotions and moods. If you feel depressed you need to handle it yourself. If you need someone to talk to about it, talk about it. But realize that no one can make you happy besides yourself.

Anyway, I think I might get off soon and take a nap. Ten to one I'll be up insanely late tonight, because I'll take a nap around six or seven, wake up around nine or ten, then stay up all night...which will make Monday interesting. :-D

Toodles!

-Jillian

Yeah, I snorted my brownie. It's the quickest way to get the sugar into your system.

¡Hola mi amigos! ¿Como estas? ¡Mi cabeza es en muchos de dolor! Quiero dormir y ir a cama. Y leer mi libro. Es libro bueno. Pero, necesito dormir. Pienso mañana es el fin de semana, y no necesito dormir.

Anyway, that's over. And you know what's awesome? For the most part I didn't use a translator on that. Oopah! I just used it for the stupid upside down punctuations marks and stuff. And the swirly thing over the n. Anyway, I need to tell the story about my gothic day.

Yesterday was Single Awareness Day, more formally known as Valentines Day. Beckah and I decided to be daring and show just what we thought of the cupid and heart laden holiday. Monday night, we prepared. We used this black hair mousse stuff in our hair...only to have it not work. But we persevered! After one emergency trip to Rite-Aid and two boxes of semi-permanent black hair dye later, I was home again, inhaling spaghetti and getting my hair dyed. When I emerged from the shower, my hair was officially "Midnight". Beckah was sitting on a stool, her hair covered in a black slime. She gave me one black-nailed thumbs up as we exchanged looks of triumph. My parents quickly vowed to disown me, stating that my hair was ugly. I didn't care. I was riding high on the adrenaline of looking incredibly pasty.

The day dawned. I was psyched. Beckah came over, and an insane amount of black-eyeliner later, we were prepared. Think black lines streaked under our eyes, grey shadow covered our lids, two black tears streaked permanently down our cheeks, and - to tie it all together - black lips. After donning our completely black outfits - except for our blue and red chuck high-tops, of course - we left for school, smiling and waving at people as we drove by, church music blaring in my mini-van speakers.

As the day progressed, I realized I was unrecognizable. Very few people knew it was me. At least now I know if I ever witness a murder and go into the Wittness Protection program I can go goth and no one will know it's me.

The day ended well. It was a good day actually. I had a lot of fun with my friends, Beckah and I took some suh-weet pictures, and we got some awesome looks in the hallways. I'll probably post some pictures on here when I get them.

Except now I regret my silly impulsive hair attack. I'm not supposed to have black hair. As Raage put so tactfully "You look really white." I asked everyone if they knew what to do to take it out, but no one knows! Mollie said that even washing my hair twenty times a day wouldn't do that much good, but I'm going to try it anyway. I want it out.

I've decided I really like my friends. At least for the most part. ;) Life is treating me pretty well right now, at least if I don't sit and try and analyze my problems. I'm learning just to leave them alone. If others don't want to deal with them, I don't want to either. I'll just focus on the fun things that are happening to me.

Oh, speaking of something funny. We had mutual tonight and it was a combinted activity with both wards. It's always funny being around Nur, because all I hear from Raage is about how much Nur talks and how funny he is, but whenever I'm around the kid, he clams up and doesn't even make eye-contact with me, even when I talk to him. So we're in the gym tonight and most of the people have left. Nur got ditched there without a ride home because Raage was at work (the testosterone-driven pansy! (; ) and was waiting for Bro. Crews to stop talking with Dan so he could ask for a ride. He's sitting watching me do gymnastics for the girls because they get a strange kick out of it, and I see him sitting on the stage and I jump over there and sit by him and I'm all "So do I intimidate you or something?" and he's all "What?" in a very young teenage boy sort of way. I explain of course and he's like "No, you're just scary."

Anyway, I thought it was funny.

I think I may get off and go to sleep. Even though the moon is seriously calling to me. It has been for the past few days. It's just gigantically bright and tempting! I want to go run outside barefoot, through a field. Unfortunately, my feet would be frozen by the time I was out there for even a few seconds.

Alright, going to bed. Well, actually, probably eat some food, do some Bio, maybe read a litte. Anyway, I love you all! Good luck Raage, even though now that I've typed it I realize you're not going to read it before you leave and DO NOT cut your hair unless you really want to see me cry. Seriously. Drive safely Beckah, don't go too spend crazy in Boise. Mollie, I love you. Jeff, I love your hair. What else can I say?

Toodles!

-Jillian

He gave me eyes to speak, to see beyond the words, to understand, to discover...

Okay, I know I just barely posted last night and there hasn't been enough time for people to read it, so you can read it if you want, but there was a story that we read in Young Women's that I have to post. Honestly, this story - and Young Women's in general - made my birthday.

In the beginning – but not really the beginning, only a moment in the span of existence that is always – I learned of a plan of my Heavenly Father for me and my spirit brothers and sister. Himself exalted and perfected and holy, our beloved Father wanted us to have a chance to follow his path. His firstborn, our elder Brother Jesus, would organize a world where we could live and grow and learn to love and truly care. It would be a difficult experience in a world of imperfect men and irrevocable law, and we must choose if we would follow him.

And so I said “Yes” and I waited for my turn.

Jesus set about making a world for me and you, the Father’s children. And one day I left a place I cannot remember now to come here, to begin the union of my life with the earth.

In the hazy brightness that is childhood, there was the first recognition of beauty – the smell of eucalyptus, the first encounters with the sea and sun and sand, and fog – wet droplets on my face, a bee, flowers, and the cypress trees bent strangely by the winds.

And as I grew, so the world became more marvelous; and deep inside began the warm, sweet pain that is earth-love.

Jesus made light that falls soft and silvery at night and makes shadow patterns in the wind – light, golden-blue, and gentle in the days of spring sun – and light that spreads its colors first faintly red to orange to golden, to dispel the blue-black that’s night – sunrise. And I have eyes to see.

And he made me wind to rustle softly through a thousand leaves, glistening silver-slippery water to sing and stumble on its way to the sea, and birds to fill the morning air with soft flute-tones. And I have ears to hear.

He made hands to touch in the bright warmth that is “How are you?” or “I will help” or “I begin to love you”; and eyes to speak, to see beyond the words, to understand, to discover.

He gave me a heart that sees and hears and feels the earth he made, and deep within me earth-love swells to overflowing. He gave me tears of joy to shed.

You have these things too. They are gifts – blessings beyond our ability to receive.

And someday when I have seen Jesus again and my Father has welcomed me back, I hope, with my mate, to be able to begin the direction of a world like this. And our children will turn in the cold sweetness of morning light to heavens of their earth with eyes that glisten with tears born of earth-love to say, “Thank you Father.”

I think I'm going to leave this one up for a while, because I really like it. I was going to post a bunch of other things, like a list of things that I want - I figured since it was my birthday it would be appropriate, especially since some of you have been asking what I wanted for my birthday - but after reading this I realized it didn't matter all that much. Most of them were jokes anyway, some were complaints, others actual needs. Now it seems that it really doesn't matter.

I hope everyone had an awesome Sunday.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Ostracization!!!

I know ostracization is not a word. It should be though. I'm now officially declaring it to be a word. So there.

I just came back from the dance. It was weird. The whole past few days have been weird, and I would like to officially apologize to those I've been hanging out with. I don't know why, but I've been completely lethargic and lackadasical the past few days. I've just been feeling really mellow and not hyper. I could just zone for a majority of time, and sometimes when there are a bunch of loud, hyper people around me I get really irritated. I'm not sure what's up exactly, but it's driving me crazy. Like, my ideal would be to sit somewhere with someone and just have a mellow but thought-provoking conversation. We wouldn't have to talk all the time, but it wouldn't be awkward silence. And trust me, wanting this is kind of weird for me. Usually I'm the kind of person that's very "let's have a huge party and get no sleep and run around and do stupid things and have twenty people around and I'll be the center of all the attention!" Not so much right now. I wish I knew how to fix it, or at least be able to snap out of it during certain times. Because I felt so bad at the dance tonight. There were so many times when I could have done things or said things that would have made the night better, but I just didn't care enough or have the energy to do it.

Maybe I just need food.

I really wanna sleep right now. Tomorrow's my birthday. Yeah. Basically that's it. I'll be 18. Can buy things I couldn't before. Whoopie. Though I guess I can't, because Sam hasn't given me money yet. I want to speak Spanish. I want to play guitar. I want to learn everything. I must know everyone, and everything about certain people.

I'm going to eat food and go to sleep.

Toodles

-Jillian

It's called friendship...it's like therapy for poor people.

Hello again Mi Frijolos! And yeah, for all that speak Spanish, I know that makes zero sense. It's a fun inside joke thingy from the...what, ninth grade is it Mollie? Those were good times. Anyway, thinking about the ninth grade has pushed me on another "Jimmy Eat World" fettish...ha...Tamson..."I have a fettish, with girls...who brush their teeth." That has to be one of those "you have to be there things", along with the thing about Ms. Looney. "Yeah, there's more Tamson where that comes from." Aaaaah, sometimes rehersal isn't all that bad...namely when you're hiding behind stage. Those are the good times.

Anyway, the whole point of this blog thing. It's kind of to let off some strange emotions I've been feeling lately. Not so much emotions really, just thoughts. I've been in a peculiarly thoughtful mood lately. Pensive. It's a good word to describe it. It's not like the mood has been bad. It's just be interesting. It's forced me to look at some things that I've done and things that've happened to me, even way back when I was six or seven. It's like I'm finally learning from the experiances I've had.

Anyway, off that tangent and onto what I was actually going to write and say. Here's what it is: It's like I'm caught in this invisible tug-of-war with my friends lately. As Jeff and I discussed in a conversation one night, it's like you fit in more than one group or clique, but don't really belong in any or either. It's a strange feeling. It's interesting though. It's especially interesting now that my parents are asking what I want to do for a birthday party. I have so many groups of friends that would mix about as well as oil and water. But at the same time I can't just be like "Um, I pick you and you and you, but not you" and leave out some people. That would make me really sad inside because I hate it when people do that to others.

Any one have any suggestions? Basically, my idea is to have some random type of get-together after the basketball game - probably going to Denny's and getting hot cocoa, because I haven't done that for a really long time with a group of friends and I'm feeling that need - and then some girls spending the night. And then the dance on Saturday of course, which makes me super excited - even if it is a Valentines Day Dance.

I just want a happy, semi-calm but still fun group to come together and have fun. No wrestling this time. Which is weird, coming from me, I know. Oh well. Any ideas? Any? At all? Please?

Anyway, I think I enjoy having lyrics on my blog, so here's the one for today. It's "My Sundown" from Jimmy Eat World (see above in blog). Some of the lyrics are taken out because it's repetitive, but I think it's a cool song.

I see it around me, I see it in everything.

I could be so much more than this.

I said my goodbye's

this is my sundown.

I'm gonna be so much more than this.

With one hand high,

you'll show them your progress.

You'll take your time,

but no one cares.

No one cares.

I need you to show me the way from crazy.

I wanna be so much more than this.

Icould be so much more than this.

No one cares.

I wanna be so much more than this.

So I think I'm going to go practice guitar now. Guitar makes me happy. :-D

Toodles!

-Jillian

Change...

I think I'm breaking out

I'm gonna leave you now

There's nothing for me here, it's all the same

And even though I know

That everything might go

Go downhill from here,

I'm not afraid

Way away, away from here I'll be

Way away, away so you can see

How it feels to be alone and not believe

Feels to be alone and not believe

Anything

You can't stop me now

You can't hold me down

You can't keep me here, I'm on my way

I made it this far now

And I'm not burning out

No matter what you say, I'm not afraid

Way away, away from here I'll be

Way away, away so you can see

How it feels to be alone and not believe

Feels to be alone and not believe

Anything

Letting out the noise inside of me

Every window pane is shattering

Cutting off my words before I speak

Cutting off my words

This is how it feels to not believe

Letting out the noise inside of me

Every window pane is shattering

Cutting off my words before I speak

Cutting off my words

This is how it feels to not believe

Way away, away from here I'll be

Way away, away so you can see

How it feels to be alone and not believe

Feels to be alone and not believe

Anything

So, I've come to the conclusion that my biggest fear might be change. I can't quite explain it. Most of my friends have the attitude that change happens and there's nothing you can do about it. Unfortunately, I'm too uptight to think that way. Well, at least some of the time. Some change I can take, happily. Like changing your hair. Little changes are okay, like changes in class schedules. Yeah, I miss talking to Raage before 4th and seeing Brandon during 2nd and talking to Jackie and Larissa during 1st, but I like walking with Meghan to 5th and seeing Brandon after fourth and meeting up with Larissa everynow and then to remember the good old days in 1st period Spanish. Those are the okay kind of changes. That's cool. But when the change comes like moving further away from friends or stuff like that...I hate that kind of change. The mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. I'm probably overly-paranoid about all of it, and that paranoia might actually accelerate the change, therefore bringing about the sadness that comes whenever a change occurs. So it's pointless to worry about it, I should just let it happen, but I can't seem to. It's always there, like something just out of the corner of your eye. You can't focus on it or see it, but you know it's there.

And this is what goes on in my mind when I'm left alone for too long.

Anyway, life is pretty good right now. Except for one small blip on the radar, this week has gone pretty well. Not as good as last week though. Man, last week was amazing. I'm planning on making this week as good though.

So church today was very good. Despite the random tangents about Unicorns and Mermaids - though that imagine of a fish eating a person still makes me giggle - I got a lot out of the Sunday School lesson, and the lesson in Young Women's too. It's funny, because the things I'm most afraid of and the things I'm looking forward to the least are the things that we seem to talk about in church and Seminary. Well, maybe not that things I look forward to the least, but definitely the things I need the most.

I have the hardest time letting people know how grateful I am to them. I think I may attempt writing letters to certain people, but at the same time there's always a certain fear there that if I tell them how I feel about them they're going to be like "wow, this girl's creepy" and think I'm all stalker-esque and stuff, which would make friendships slightly awkward. Just slightly of course. So yeah, there's my dilemma. Anyway, for now I'll just say to all my friends that are reading this blog, thanks for being there despite my bi-polar moments and my close-mindedness and my inability to see things from your point of view. You guys are awesome and I don't know what I would do without you.

Toodles!

-Jillian