Floating...free-falling, watching from above

My body aches, my heads hurting, I'm freezing cold, my eyes are sore, and my mom says I'm running a fever and that my eyes are glossed over. And it actually kind of hurts to type because my arm/wrist hurts so much.

So right now I'm looking outside my window watching the top of our swing flap in the wind. The trees are swaying violently and deep down I hope there's a fierce storm coming. Not one of those wussie ones that brings some heavy rain and a little wind, but one of those huge ones where the whole house seems to be shaking by the large clap of thunder and the electricity goes out. Then you can drive around town and look at what it's like when it's pitch black, till you jump out of the car and splash in the puddles. Then you turn your face up to the downpour and feel as the large drops hit your face like needles. It feels sharp and relaxing all at once. And finally, it's then you know that you're alive, that you're not some insignificant speck. Somehow, when you feel like you're the only person on earth and you shut everything out you feel all important, like this rain storm was just for you. You feel at one with the world around you, like everything's the way it's supposed to be. In those precious moments where it's just you and the rain life is simple. You don't have to worry about other people or anything at all. Just the cool water as it drips off your face. It seems to wash all the worries and care with it leaving you refreshed and open. Like you're a little kid again.

I need something like that right now. I need to know someone actually cares. That someone actually wonders how I'm doing and would gladly give up their time to talk with me. I'm just tired of not knowing who is faking it and who is being honest. I'm tired of feeling like I can't trust certain people. I'm tired of pushing people away because I'm uncertain about them and feel like I can't trust them. I'm tired of wanting to scream but feeling like I can't because everyone's looking at me, waiting for me to do my next stupid mess-up. I'm tired of people who judge me and people who are supposed to be my friends talking about me behind my back. I'm tired of always having to perform, to try and make people happy and that they look at me like I'm a failure when I don't. I'm tired of being afraid of what people are thinking about me. I'm tired of getting weird looks whenever I feel sad or whenever I feel so happy that I want to jump and scream and dance.

Why can't I just sit down for once without everyone thinking I'm mad at them or being offended? Am I forever going to be doomed to be the topic of gossip and back-biting? Why can't people just talk to me about a problem instead of spreading rumors about how evil I am? Can't people see that life would be easier and so less people would be hurt if we just did that?

But mostly I'm tired of people who think they're better than others and people who can't make up their minds if they like someone or not. If you don't, why can't you just act like you don't like them instead of putting on a show and lying to everyone? You're just hurting people and I don't think anyone actually wants to do that.

I should probably take my own advice on that one. Except in my case it's me I'm hurting. I'm just so afraid to be nice to people, to let them know I actually care. It seems whenever that happens I end up hurt. I hate that. I don't want to be hurt. I'd almost rather hurt myself by pushing someone away that MIGHT have been a friend than begin to care for that person a lot only to find out they're using me and the whole thing is an act. But why do people have to be so stupid to fake liking someone in the first place to advance themselves? Can't you see how cruel and selfish that is? Why can't anyone see that besides me?

-Jillian