A patriarchal blessing contains chapters from your book of eternal possibilities

I don't know exactly why I'm blogging right now. I just feel the need to. I feel the desire to reach out to others right now, to do something.

Today has been interesting. It seems like the theme for the past few days has been that I need to read my patriarchal blessing again. And then today. Not only did Raage get his, but Josef Mielke got his also, and people talked about blessings during Sacrament meeting. And I was feeling sort of bad today, moody I guess. I'm sort of unsure of where I'm going, what I'm doing. More importantly, if what I'm doing is right. Nothing specific, just...things. Lately I've been searching for happiness is different places. My compass has been slightly off-whack.

A motto I've had for the past few years was to live life without regret. I thought I had blown that idea last year, but now, looking back on it, yeah, I wish I hadn't done some of that stuff, but it made me a better person and it's strengthened me and taught me so much. So I don't really regret it.

Now, I'm looking forward in life and see the decisions that I've made, and decisions that I have to make, and soon. I'm starting to freak out slightly. I look to my future and see things happening - good and bad - and I'm afraid of them. What if the good things don't happen? What if I do something wrong? What if I miss a prompting or move too quickly and completely ruin the plan that was laid out for me? What if all the things fall into place, and then it turns out I'm not worthy of them? Or what if what I want to happen looks like it's going to happen, but then it doesn't?

Yes, I worry a bit.

But then I realized that the more and more I put off making the decisions - like where I'm going to college and what I'm going to allow to happen with me and who I'm going to keep in contact with after college - if I put off those decisions or dwell too much on those that aren't immediately important in my life I'm going to miss out on so much. Ironically, I'll regret it, and regret is sort of the thing I'm trying to avoid.

So what is the point of this blog? I don't think there is one. I just wish time wouldn't fly by so fast and that this month would last forever. Well, minus the school part. But I guess if this time lasted forever, I'd have an infinite amount of time to do my homework in.

I love you all. I really do. Each one of you has done something in my life to help me. I'm going to miss all of you, and I'm going to enjoy the time we have left together.

So now I'm going to get off and keep fighting the urge to call Raage. I want to talk to him so badly it's not even funny. Seriously, it's been driving me insane all night. But no, instead, I'll sit here and wait for Beckah and Steven to come so we can go see Brooklyn's puppy.

Toodles!

-Jillian

p.s. Jennifer gets home in 39 days!!!!