I'm tired. Like, really tired. Tired of a lot of things. Tired of school, tired expectations, tired of people, tired of not being able to take time to do things, tired of work. I'm tired of not being able to focus on the things I need to to become a better person. I feel like I'm moving side to side and spinning around instead of moving forward or backward.

I'm such a baby. My life isn't bad. It's quite good, actually, and I've had it really easy. I haven't lost anyone in my life. I've never had to intensly study to get good grades. I've never had to really try. If things didn't come all that easily I just didn't do them.

I guess I'm spoiled. I don't know. People called me spoiled and say that I've never had to work in my life and I get a little angry. Comparitively I haven't, not really. I've always been able to sing. Music's been easy. Theatre and acting came naturally. I was pretty smart.

But I'm tired of my sisters saying I never have to work. My family thinking I'm not trying hard enough. I'm working 15 hours a week, rehearsing for 10+, going to school for 17, doing homework for who knows how long. I have five shows this week, four next week, and three large finals coming up. I have choir class that I don't have enough time to pay attention to. I work. I just don't work hard on any one thing because there's always something else needing attention.

I think that's what bothers me. I don't get amazingly strong grades because I don't have enough time or energy to devote to it. I'm not the best worker at Bear Mt. because I have to ask for so many days off and leave early because of rehearsals or doctors appointments or classes. I'm not the best soprano in choir because I don't have time to sit down and play my parts through and figure it out. I'm not the best person in the show because I can't memorize a song and do my spanish homework at the same time.

I know these are excuses. I should be able to focus and devote myself 100% to whatever task I'm involved in at that time. I just don't know if I can. I'm not disciplined or mature enough. And I know that. I just can't figure out how to do it. Or maybe I just don't like the answer. I want to grow-up and become more organized and self-dependent but I'm afraid to do it. I don't want trials, but I know I need them.

It sucks. I don't like growing up. I don't like this limbo of not being grown up and not being immature. Or rather, being mature in some ways and immature in others. It's kind of uncomfortable. It makes me prickly in my own skin. I wonder if this'll ever stop, if I'll actually be mature enough for life. I hope so. Cuz it's not cool.

-Jillian

Happy Birthday to me!

So I should really be finishing up some Spanish homework right now, but I'm totally not feeling it. So I won't. I am feeling a cocoa though, unfortunately I don't have money and there's no one here I can guilt into buying a cocoa for me. So I'll live. :)

What do I have to say right now? Not much. This has been an interesting year. I'm looking at the things that have happened since my 18th birthday and hoo-doggy, it's been a real roller coaster. I'm glad it's happened though. I think I'm stronger today. Not necessarily any more stable, but stronger, less dependant on any one person. Yeah, I'm still dependant on people, but not on any one specifically. And that's a good feeling. Hopefully it'll last for a very long time. Though really, most of this stuff has happened over the past month, sort of like a ginormous onslaught of knowledge. I wish I could call it maturity, but I think I have a long way to go before I could be described as mature.

Anyway, my birthday has been good so far. I remember last year I thought my birthday sucked because the one person I wanted to get me something and acknowledge me on it didn't do anything. That and no one really did anything else either, but that's just a minor detail. Now, it's not that big of a deal. I love my friends and I know they love me, whether they wish me happy birthday or not...though I do like the wishing of happy birthday.

I guess I expect people to be like me a lot of the time. If I know something's wrong with someone, if one of my friends has had a bad day, I'll usually do something to make them feel better and let them know they're loved. Just because people don't do that to me doesn't mean I'm not loved. It just means people have busy lives, that maybe they're hurting too and I'm too focused on myself to notice.

I'm a fairly selfish individual, or so I've decided.

So I guess I am maturing. And this kind hurts a whole lot less than the kind I was doing before, so I think I'll stick with it for a while.

"Are you fumbling my football!?"

Sorry...I'm watching a Super Bowl review on T.V. and totally watched this guy have the ball literally slide through his fingers, and I couldn't help but quote from Remember the Titans. Good movie...

Hm...I think I'm going to avoid my Spanish again and work on this story that I started last night when I was only half-conscious.

Hope you're all having wonderful days!

A rant...sort of...

At this point, I want to quit almost everything. It's not that I'm feeling overwhelmed, really. I just want to be able to breathe once in a while. I was thinking about my schedule today and I realized I'm not going to have any time. I mean, yeah, I'll have an hour between two of my classes and about an hour and fifteen minutes between school and work, and maybe a half hour between work and rehearsal, and then another hour after rehearsal where I'll try and crunch in some homework. It doesn't stress me out too much, oddly enough, it's what I've been doing most of my life.

I guess I'm just tiring of it a little. I'm tired of - excuse the language, but it's the only way I've ever heard it put - half-assing it through life. I'm tired of doing what I need to do just so I can get by, because I don't have enough time or energy to do otherwise.

For instance, I really want to learn Spanish. Raage's been attempting to help me a little, but you can only do so much when you're 500 miles away and using messaging on Facebook. Anyway, I was planning on calling him last night, but some things happened and when I should've called him so he could clarify the word que for me, I was over at Tristans watching Heroes. I would've been like "hey Tristan, I've got to go" except that we had just barely set everything up and him and Aaron had used, like, a half hour or so of their time just so I could watch it. So I'm like "okay, I'll call him tomorrow." Except, well, I'll have you refer to my afore mentioned schedule for today to understand the problem with that.

And so it is with life. There are some things I'm completely fascinated by, but will never be able to do more than scratch the surface of because I don't have the time. The days slip by and I'm left with a lot of "oh, I'll do this tomorrow"s. I mean, like the whole exercise thing. I really want to start exercising, but there isn't enough time! Whenever I think I can do it between classes, I can't because I have to write a paper or read a chapter or two in a book or go sell stupid advertisements.

At this point, I would love nothing more than to quit my job, not go to Rexburg, not audition for scholarships, not worry about China and how I'm going to get another freakin' thousdand dollars in two weeks, and just focus on school and learning and growing closer to Heavenly Father. And maybe focus on myself and what I really want for a while. There are so many things going on during the day, I sometimes am afraid that I'm missing something that's important for me to know.

But I know I can't quit. I'm not a flake like that. When I say I'll do something and commit to it, I'm stuck. Including calling Raage tonight, or at least letting him know that I can't.

So I will continue on, skating through life, barely getting by in everything I'm doing. It's not so bad, I guess. It's gotten me this far, hasn't it?

The Weekend

So, I haven't seen my friends for like, two days and I'm having withdrawls. I'm not joking. I'm such a spazzoid! I'm missing my friends. I think I was missing Jeffrey about, six hours after I saw him last, though I blame that on him being gone and me not being able to see him. Anyhoo, I think I'll chalk this all up to...wow...I totally forgot what I was going to put there as an excuse for my odd obsessive clinginess. OH! Now I remember! I chalk it up to you guys being such cool people. Ha ha! I am brilliant!

I like my Spanish class...a lot. It's so much fun...and yes, I'm a weirdo. I've come to that realization actually. I'm quite weird; I enjoy choral music, speaking random spanish, having nonsensical conversation, laughing at stupidity, watching myself dance in the mirror, thinking in written form, and philosiphizing scripture and the deeper meaning of different things. But I pretty much like myself. Well, sometimes. But that's a completely different can of worms.

So, school's going well. Well, the week that I've had of it. My head is still above water, but let's see how that is in a few weeks, eh? I'm going to go haul butt and and sell advertisements tomorrow. Tomorrow's going to be hard core! I have to work, sell advertisements, move, study for math and spanish...I think that's it.

Man, I wish I knew more! Seriously! Like, all the stuff going on in the Middle East. Somalia for instance. Raage told me some of it's history, but I don't know enough about it to truly grasp the importance of what's going on there right now, so I'm relying on others for my opinions, which I don't want to do. But I can't seem to wrap my head around it - and I don't have enough time to try. Which is frustrating. I guess I'll just have to sit and wait until my life slows down enough that I can do some self-study.

I hate having to be patient.

Hm...I think this might be all I'm going to blog for now. It's a quarter til 11, and I think I'm getting up early so I might turn in. ...heh...I almost believed that myself for a second. I might actually go to bed and read scriptures for a while, until I fall asleep. Even though Jeffrey was supposed to call me and tell me if Jim and Pam hooked up. I really want to get on top of that. I mean, if they hooked up, where's the sexual tension going to come from? I love sexual tension, it makes the world interesting. I miss having it myself, actually.

Aaaaaanyway, It's 11 now, so I'm thinking I'll head up stairs and begin my sleepy routine. Goodnight all!

Toodles!

-Jillian

Psalm 13

How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and hear me, O LORD my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;

Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.

But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.

I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.

I love these scriptures. A friend of mine was having a really hard time on his mission, and he turned to these scriptures and I thought I'd share them with you, even though they don't necessarily reflect my mood right now. I just really like them.

Cheers

An interesting thing happened today. My Grandpa called my dad with the news that someone had died of cancer. I had no idea who this person was, though her name sounded vaguely familiar. It might have been Tammy Prince of Pam something-with-a-D, I'm not certain. All I know is that when my dad told my mom, they were both shocked by the fact that she had died - she was only a year younger than my dad, meaning she was two and a half years younger than my mom. I was equally as shocked, but for a completely different reason.

This woman that died three years ago was one of my dad's former girlfriends. She dumped him sometime during High School to date his best friend. The best friend and this girl later married and my dad moved on and found my mom - much to my joy and relief. But her youth or her relationshp with my father wasn't what shocked me - my dad and mom often talk about their former "significant others" which is why I recognized her name. What shocked me was that my dad remembered her.

He remembered her.

You will go through life, and 99% of the people you meet you won't remember in a few years. You will not remember most in a few months or weeks, possibly even days. But then there are those that touch you deeply, that you will remember twenty years after your last encounter with them. They are the girlfriends, the boy friends, the best friends, people who - when they leave or situations change - leave places in your heart that can never be filled exactly the same by any other person, not matter how special those people are. They are people who are irreplacable.

I still remember a true story someone told me once, about a woman who was best friends with a guy. They were as close and close can be, but something happened that caused them to get in a huge row and not talk again. The girl later married, and while she loved her husband and wouldn't trade him for anyone else, there were still some times when she felt the need for that best friend to be there, for his kind of comfort and advice.

And so it is whenever you get close to someone. You give a peice of yourself to them, and whether you realize it or not, you're never going to get that peice back. They will carry it with them forever, so until, twenty-five years down the road, you get a call telling that they died of cancer, and you realize what they were, their significance in your life, that a peice of you was still with them.

How many people have a given a peice of myself to? How many more will carry a little chunk of me around with them while they go collect others? How many peices do I have, possibly taken carelessly by someone who gave tenderly?

I'm not egotistical enough to think that I'm a memorable person. I know that three or four years down the road, most of the people in, say, choir won't remember a single thing about me, including my name. When I die, the world probably won't mourn, there won't be thousands at my funeral. But I do know that there will be friends from Ontario talking about my exploits in band, the Nielsens will talk about growing up in Lansing and playing tree-tag, my friends now will talk about how I always fell asleep during movies and had an obsession with cuddling. Who knows what else will be said by that 1% of people who will touch and shape my life, the people that I allowed close enough to take something memorable from my existence?

So, here's my oopah, to the best friends, the boyfriends, the enemies turned friend. You will be remembered. Cheers to you. May your lives be blessed.

-Jillian

Reflections on Life

Wow. I feel like I haven't blogged forever, when it's really only been about 5 days. I always go through life thinking "hm...I should blog these thoughts, feelings, and experiences" but then I forget what they are, or I just don't feel like blogging it when I can get a hold of a computer. It's like dipping your hand into a cool pool of water and feeling it trickle through your fingers. It's the feeling of having a grasp on brilliance and happiness and feeling it slide away.

I had some cool experiences today. If someone asked what I did today it would be simple: I went down to Ontario for a Dr.'s appointment. But man, it's such a cool feeling to be driving along, wrapped up in yourself, and to look out the window and say "wow...this world is a gorgeous place. Thank you Heavenly Fathe." But what's beautiful and awe inspiring enough between here and Ontario to startle me from a good book? Everything. The day is cold and wet and gray and - so most people would think - completely depressing. But right now I'm looking out the window in my bedroom and watching the townlights twinkle on as darkness settles while a thick storm cloud shrouds the white top of Mt. Emily, and I realize what a beautiful world I've been blessed to live in.

Contentment is an interesting feeling. It's not a feeling of overwhelming joy, it's not passion. It's not exhilerating or invigorating. It just is. Like me. I am.

Being is not a bad thing. In fact, I think it's probably a better mindset than the one I've been in lately. I've gotten myself into some destructive habits lately. I've become "addicted" to people and activities that I shouldn't be obsessed with. Not that I've picked up a cigarette or gone anywhere near beer. I was sent a cool quote through my e-mail the other day that started me thinking on what, exactly, could be constituted as an addiction.
"...Curiosityand peer pressure are selfish reasons to dabble with addictive substances.We should stop and consider the full consequences, not just to ourselves and our futures, but also to our loved ones..."

So I began thinking, what is an addictive substance? Automatically beer and cigarettes, pornography and gambling came to mind. But what about dating? What about flirting and kissing, and work, attention, the opposite sex, cuddling, friends, yourself? Can't all these things become addictions? Can't all of these become obsessions?

I once heard someone liken people unto a bicycle wheel; there are spokes for everything. You have your spoke for church, your spoke for friends, school, work, spirituality, etc. A perfectly balanced person has all the spokes even and balanced (note: if we weren't living in the world and didn't have to make a living to survive, the spokes wouldn't have to be even. Unfortunately, we do, so we're screwed) so that the wheel rolls smoothly. Problems come in life when one spoke because too long, leaving one or two other spokes coming up too short. This isn't to say that there aren't times in life when spokes shouldn't be uneven. For example, while on a mission or preparing for one, they should be uneven. But right now, they all need to be balanced.

I guess what I'm saying is that, right now, I'm sawing off certain spokes and trying to meld them onto others to achieve more balance. It's an interesting and hard and sometimes I think I'm messing everything up and I want to give up and stop trying. But I can't. I've had a few of those moments, but I guess I'm becoming stronger, because I'm feeling content. It's a shaky sort of contentment, one that can be jostled like the last brown leaf hanging onto a bare branch in a November storm, but I'm content. I'm content. Now, contentment is not a way of saying I'm giving up and not trying to improve anymore. No way. I have so much to improve on. I see some of my weaknesses now, and instead of feeling overwhelmed I feel inspired.

I want to be the best that I can. I know I need help from others - I'm a firm believer that Heavenly Father places certain people where they are so they can be instruments in his hands - but I know now that I can't rely on others for everything in my life.

I suppose I really am growing up. And you know what? It's not that bad.

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

-Ether 12:27

I'm going completely insane right now...;Jeffrey

I love coming back from night's with friends where my abs hurt from laughing so much. It's a great feeling that I plan on experiencing more often - like tomorrow night. That should be soon enough. :D

Anyway, there are a lot of thoughts flying through my head; it's sort of like a tossed salad in there. I've been observing and pondering life, and especially watching people a lot more lately. It's so weird to think that there are billions of us on this earth, and while we only come in contact with a fraction of them in our lifetime, we're only a few relationships away from every single person on this planet. And every single person has a story. I don't remember the first time I heard it. I think it was in Non-Fiction writing, but I know I'd thought of it before that.

We get so wrapped up in ourselves, our own problems. Half the time we don't even realize that others are crying out for us or that others care. If that "one person" we want to notice us doesn't, then we must be doing something wrong and no one notices us and we're not worth noticing. We never stop to think of the people who think of us as that "one person." or even the people who just appreciate you and love the fact that you're there. It's like that one saying "To the world you may be one person, but to one person, you may be the world."

Relationships are interesting things. What is a relationship exactly? Whenever you hear it, you usually assume that it means a romantic relationship, but it's not always. For instance, I can say "the relationship between me and Bob is completely platonic" and I'm obviously not referring to a romantic relationship. People say that money makes the world go 'round, and while that's true, I think relationships do as well.

I made the comment today that love is a horrible thing. And then somebody made a comment back to me that made so much sense that I wondered why I hadn't heard it before. He said "no, love is wonderful, it's people and the games they play that are horrible."

I play games. I'll admit it. But I don't want to anymore. I want to hug someone because I want to hug them, not because I want them to think I like them or because I know they won't think it's weird. I don't want to play games. I don't want to feel guilty or jealous watching people flirt. I don't want to feel territorial of my friends. I just want to feel...normal? Untwisted. Because that's how I feel when I play these games, twisted. There are so many good people out there who don't need any more issues. I don't want to hurt people (well, sometimes I do, but I shouldn't) or get hurt. I'm tired of trying to be anylitical and reading into what people say and don't say.

I think most of us have hit a...I don't want to call it a wall, but I can't figure out what I want to call it. How about a semi-permeable barrier? Whatever it is, we went through it without realizing the depth of what it meant to pass onto one side, probably without realizing we had passed through, and now we're stuck there. I guess this is what growing up is like.

I want to live for the moment again. I want to take someone to breakfast randomly. I want to be with people without feeling self-conscious. I want to rule the world. I want to find and be myself. I want to find the Savior. I want do to what Heavenly Father has planned for me.

-Jillian

A step in the dark...

I did something huge today. Most of you know what it is, so I won't go into detail (if you're completely clueless, I'll tell you if you ask nicely) but I'll admit, I'm scared.

I've always played at being independant. I'm the stubborn one who has a steady enough head on her shoulders not to take life too seriously, but not to be swept up in the stupidity of it. But really, I've never been independant. There were always people who I leaned on for all my advice. I never made a decision without others more or less making it for me. But now? I've cut myself off from that person. I've had to for the sake of my sanity, as well as theirs, most likely.

I feel like I'm starting off on a path, a journey that's going to take me somewhere important. I can almost see it in my mind. But I'm so scared to go on it. I've taken the first step - my leap of faith. The pathway isn't clear at all and faith has never been my strongest point. I'm so worried now that my crutch is gone. I want it back; I'm afraid to stand on my own. But I have to stay strong. Heavenly Father told me to let Raage go completely. Heavenly Father wants me to be happy and he wants me to live with Him again. If that means I have to go through hell with Christ being my only confidant, than so be it. I have to be strong now; it's time to step up and live my religion, not just watch it from the sidelines.

For Thou art my rock and my fortress; therefore for they names sake lead me, and guide me. Psalms 31:3

I hope I can take the leap of faith necessary to do what I need to. It's sad, it took me something said, verbatim, in two separate blessings - which the people giving the blessings didn't know as the one giving the blessing of comfort had never read my patriarchal blessing - for me to finally realize that I needed to change. I just pray that I can do it.

-Jillian

It sounds like we're having a lot of fun. And we are.

First things first! Tonight was amazing; more fun than I've had in a very very long time. I shall upload a few pictures, and explain why.

Yes, this is a puzzle that's actually a map of the world. It went with our "over the hill" theme...which I think only makes sense to us... But apparently, this puzzle was a royal pain in the tuckus. It took them about a half hour to put it together, and it fit funny, but when it was finished and all drawn over, it was awesome.

Alas, Steven didn't make it into the picture he's holding up - a gift we gave to Darcy as a welcome-hom present - but we figured he had to be included somehow, since he helped us decorate Darcy's room. What would we have done without him? He was the only one tall enough to stick the streamers to the ceiling!

Katelyn being cute. All of us decided this was as super adorable picture, so I put it on. :-D

I'm just such a good friend. I saw this great picture of Mollie and had to put it on so the plethora of attractive single males that read my blog would want to date my friend. I love the girl, what can I say?

Now, this right here was the fruit of our labors. We decorated Darcy's room with balloons and steamers and a banner and gifts and we made her a card. It was - to steal one of Darcy's words - Brilliant.

Katelyn tried to read "The Night Before Christmas" to us, but something happened during the reading that would only occur with choir nerds born and bred at La Grande High School. We burst into the song version and sang a good 3/4 of it with four part harmony while dancing around Darcy's living room.

The picture of us after our breaking and entering Shenanigans. Though technically nothing was broken. Darcy's parents left us a key. Note Steven's clueless expression. I assume it was done on purpose, but with Steven you never really know...;)

Okay, so here's what happened: Darcy finally came home from college. Now, for those that might not know us (I have no idea who that would be, creepy people reading some random blog...) our friends are amazing. It's true. I can officially say I have the coolest friends ever. They're there for me when I need them, and even when I don't need them and I just want them, they're there. I think a quote fits our group pretty durn well; "Happiness is singing together when day is through, and Happiness is those that sing with you."

Over the past two or three days, I've begun to appreciate my friends more. I mean, really appreciate them. Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I was focused almost completely on them and what we were doing. And the result was I laughed more than I have in four or five months.

Oh, and guys? I think I'm going to start a myspace so I can upload ALL the pictures and have you guys see them as well as possibly upload the videos, because who doesn't want to see Mollie and Isha dancing around as cheerleaders?

I have three regrets about tonight: that it ended, that it doesn't happen often enough, and that I didn't catch our singing "Twas the Night" on camera! Gosh darn realizing camera-worthy moments too late!

Toodles everyone!

-Jillian

Volare...

I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored! I sort of want to bake something, or go somewhere and do something embarrassing and take pictures with my camera. I like my camera. It makes me happy.

Unfortunately, most of the people I would do stuff with are busy. So I'm stuck with myself.

You know what, I don't need Raage. I DON'T NEED RAAGE!!!! That's right, you heard me! I DON'T NEED HIM!! I don't need someone that hurts and degrades me, someone who doesn't care enough about me even tell me the truth or keep me informed on his life. I have amazing friends that truly care about me and want me to be happy.

Man, I'm lucky. My friends and family are awesome. And you want to know something else? I don't need him to be a good person. I'm a better person without him, because I can actually be myself and not worry about worrying about someone else. I can make my own decisions now. I can go to college where I want to go to college, I can work at Playmill this summer, I can study whatever I want to, because Heavenly Father is finally coming first in my life. I'm going to do what he wants me to! No more Raage. He's not important anymore.

I feel so liberated. So free!

-Jillian

Ode to Tuesday

Oh Tuesday!
What joys you had for me
Nausea and cramping
Josh Groban for four blissful hours
Superman in the dark
Flirting at work
Blood and needles in my arm
Almost blacking out
The Cherry Orchard?
Oh Tuesday, sweet Tuesday
Avoiding homework
Hanging out with friends
Eating something that disagreed
Intense stomach cramping
huddling in the bathroom for fifteen minutes
Food poisoning?
Trying to figure out mysterious time signatures
Tuesday, juxtaposed Tuesday!
I will remember you always!

My obituary:
Jillian Wheeler died today. She was at work, diligently doing her duty of bringing pizzas out to hungry customers when she slipped. A large #2 minus onions and hot cheese, plus extra mozzarella on cornmeal crust flew into her face, burning and suffocating her with copious amounts of pizza sauce and melted cheese. All efforts to resuscitate the teen failed. The funeral will be held on Friday of this week at 5 o'clock. It will be a closed casket funeral as no one was quite able to peel all the pepperoni off of her face. She is survived by her friends and her family who are now happy that they don't have to pay the outrageously high auto insurance. But her dogs will miss her.

A semi-depressing blog...

Every girl wants to be special. I've said that what has to be at least one hundred times to different people. Every girl wants to be special to some person.

I think this goes doubly for me. To be normal, standard, everyday,"one-of-many" would kill me. I suppose that's why I'm jealous of people with more diverse backgrounds than I. There's nothing there that makes me stand out, I'm just a regular English/French/Russian Jew and I look it. I can sing pretty well. But I know that there are those better than I am. I can be funny and entertaining at times, but I'm nothing spectacular. Perfectly normal. Perfectly average.

He made me feel special. He made me feel like there was something about me that no one else had, something that...I don't know. Something that made me stand out. And I was happy knowing that somewhere, someone cared for me. Someone thought about me every now and then and wondered how I was doing. Someone wanted to talk to me more than they wanted to talk to any one else. I was special because they could tell me things they couldn't tell anyone else and they wanted to spend time with me and wanted to make me smile.

He was special. I could talk to him. There seemed to be nothing that we couldn't discuss, and we would talk for hours and the conversation wouldn't get old; religion, relationships, family, school, people, futures. He was special because I've never really had someone that could both tell when something was wrong with me and get me to talk about it in detail. He was special because he understood me. He had a smile that I couldn't help but smile along with. He made me want to be a better person; when he chastised me it only hurt my pride for a moment and then caused me to become motivated. He was special because he actually cared.

I guess I wasn't special enough.

It hurts a lot. It's bittersweet to hear him talk now - he talks about the people he talks to and how wonderful his life is. On one hand I'm happy he's happy; he deserves to be happy, he's an amazing person. But on the other it hurts realizing that I didn't do anything to affect his happiness when he was here. I think he told me he missed me once, in his very first e-mail, and then nothing. And I guess I feel pathetic becuase I still miss him, three and a half months after he left. There are still times when I want to go on a walk with him and just talk.

I feel like a burden to him, like I'm cramping his style. In my mind I imagine every time I call he looks at the caller ID and rolls his eyes, wondering why I'm calling him again. Or worse, that when I call he doesn't care either way. That to him I'm just another girl. Another one of his friends in La Grande that he might think about calling if he gets bored when he comes home. That there was nothing special about me in the first place.

I'm just normal, standard, everyday, "one-of-many". Average. Insignificant.

I think they should make Star Wars into a musical... I can see the rousing chorus numbers now...

So here I sit in my now normal spot in the Loso Lobby. It's one of the only places where I can get internet connection and still be warm.

On that note, it's become QUITE cold lately. But my hair hasn't frozen in the past few weeks. Though Jeff did say that it was colder in my apartment than it was outside.

So I don't know why I'm blogging. Probably because no one's blogged in like, a year (yes, I know I'm exaggerating...I do that a lot. I wrote on Raage's facebook wall yesterday and was all "because no one's written on here for a while" and it had only been about a day since someone had written on it) so I felt motivated to make someone excited when they check blogs and are all "ohmigosh! Jillian posted! Happiness!" Because I know me posting will bring everyone undefinable happiness. I just have that affect on people.

Man, I've been in the weirdest moods lately. Seriously, I'll be super happy and chipper for like, a week and then I'll crash for about four or five hours until something (or someone) snaps me out of it. I think it might be the medicine I'm on. When I heard about the depression that it's caused in some people I became sort of freaked out, especially when I considered the types of moods I'd been having for the past month or so. I mean, people have committed suicide while on these meds. But the worst effect I seem to be experiencing is my skin looking like I have exzyma or something. Or like I was burned with hot oil or acid. Maybe we should create a musical about my skin problem and call it "The Shadow of the Mackenzie". I'll be the creepy person with disgusting, irritated skin that skulks around the theatre. Ooh! And that's why random peices of fake snow still fall from the rafters even though that show finished two years ago!!!

Hm...I like it when I'm in these kinds of moods. I've missed being random like this. KATELYN'S COMING TO VISIT ME!! YAYAY!!!!

So, I think this'll be the end of my blog. Hope you all have wonderful days, and remember not to drink hot cocoa while lying down!

toodles!

-Jillian

Semi-personal confessions...

Sorry her lot who loves too well,
Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly.
Sad are the sighs that own the spell,
Sad are the eyes that speak too plainly

Sorry her lot who loves too well
Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly.

Heavy the sorrow that bows the head
When love is alive and hope is dead.
When love is alive and hope is dead.

Turn ons: Good smelling guys, chocolate, long talks about good things, guys who are actually good and chaste and don't just pretend to be, hugs from little children, the setting sun reflecting reds and golds off of clouds, breaking into dancing, being yourself and feeling completely comfortable, girls nights with good music and pulsing beats, getting a truly caring hug from a member of an opposites sex, dog piles with friends, pranking, getting compliments from someone who really means it especially from that one special person, knitting, being with friends that listen to you and don't think you're weird when you do random things, falling asleep on someone's chest and feeling them breath and hearing their heartbeat, how clean you feel when you just get out of the shower, going to church, Heavenly Father, being able to pray and knowing he won't be annoyed by your neediness.

Turn offs: Lying, dishonesty, people who say they'll do something then don't, being depressed, second-guessing myself, uncertainty, feeling jealous, wet socks, having people angry at me, being ditched, feeling ugly, waking up when it's dark, getting wet when my hair's straightened, the nagging sensation that I'm never thought of, being alone, wanting to call someone and being afraid to do it, being tempted, becoming lackadasical about anything, regretting my actions, people that smell like onion or B.O. or anything nasty, feeling unmotivated, having cold toes, feeling helpless, being anxious, feeling like I like someone more than they like me, self-righteous people, arrogance, realizing that I have more weaknesses that I can ever fix by myself, being dependant on others, sweat.

There you go. Some semi-personal confessions that you may or may not be understandable and surprising.

Toodles

-Jillian

Brittney Spears isn't a good performer, she's just a good stripper

Thank you Ginger Ranslam. Good times at Mac's.

So I'm at rehearsal right now. I got here over two hours ago so I could do some homework before the LDSSA meeting. That's basically been my life. Homework, school, rehearsal, somtimes work, an hour or so at a time between classes when I hang out at Mac's with some music/theatre people. Mostly though it's just rehearsal and homework. Though since I'm taking this class for credit, rehearsal can be considered homework. So basically life is homework and school.

I'm doing pretty well in my classes right now actually. I think I have mostly A's. I'm not so sure about my writing class. I know I've gotten all the points possible on our worksheets and such, but I also missed a 20 point assignment because I was down in Utah. That's a sore spot. But I got a 90% on our last essay. Everyone else around me said they recieved 78's, so I'm not sure if she's grading on a curve. If she were it would be sweet.

The play opens in a little over a week! FREAKY!!! I think I need to actually memorize my lyrics. That might be smart.

Man I want candy. Seriously. Major chocolate craving.

I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do tonight. I really want to go and see Isha, but I don't have the money to pay to go through the Haunted House. Besides, Mollie's at work and Jeff already went so I don't know how hot he's going to be on going again. I could probably stay home and do homework, but I sort of want to do something. Like eat chocolate.

Anyway, I'm going to go because I'm supposed to be going on soon. Talk to you guys later!

Toodles!

-Jillian

The Passenger Seat...

I roll the window down

and then begin to breathe in

the darkest country road

and the strong scent of evergreen

from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

then looking upwards

I strain my eyes and try

to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites

from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"do they collide?"

I ask and you smile.

with my feet on the dash

the world doesn't matter.

when you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride

when you need directions then I'll be the guide

for all time.

for all time.

Reflections on Love

"I love you" is a statement that can be expressed in so many varied ways. It amy be a stage song, repeated daily without any meaning, or a barely audible whisper, full of surrender. Sometimes it means I desire you or I want you sexually. It may mean: I hope you love me or I hope that I will be able to love you. Often it means: It may be that a love relationship can develop between us. Often it is a wish for emotional exchange: I want your admiration in exchange for mine, or I give my love in exchange for some passion, or I want to feel cozy and at home with you, or I admire some of your qualities. A declaration of love is mostly a request: I desire you, or I want you to gratify me, or I want your protection or I want to be intimate with you, or I want to exploit your loveliness.

Sometimes it is the need for security and tenderness, for parental treatment. It may mean: My self-love goes out to you. But it may also express submissiveness: Please take me as I am, or I feel guilty, I want, through you, to fix the mistakes I've made in human relationships. It may be self-sacrifice and masochistic wish for dependency.

However, it may also be a full affirmation of the other, taking the responsibility for mutual exchange of feelings. It may be a weak feeling of friendliness, it may be scarecly even a whispered expression of ecstasy. "I love you" - wish, desire, submission, conquest; it is never the word itself that tells the real meaning of the simple phrase.

I don't know why I found that so fascinating. Probably because it's referring to the many different interpretations of a so-commonly spoken phrase. What does love mean? I suppose to me it means the full-trusting and desire to be with someone. The feeling and idea that no matter what happens, you'll be able to get through it as long as the person you love is with you. That that person makes you happy, they complete you. I'm not saying the person is perfect, by any means. Just that they're perfect for you. It means "I trust you not to hurt me, I trust you with my mind, my heart, my everything." It's long-lasting.

Have I ever said "I love you" without meaning it? I thought I had, but looking back at what I think "I love you" means, I realize I haven't. Not really, when the person realized I meant it, and not just in the cutsey "I'm saying I love you because I'm asking you for a favor" way. You can love your brother, you can love your husband, and - most importantly - you should love Christ by fully trusting.

I suppose there is no official definition for love. Dictionary.com lists the number of defintions for the word love at 28, but I think there are as many as there are people on the earth. I don't think it can really be defined, only expressed.

The issues comes, I suppose when two people exchange "I love you." Can you ever really know what the other person means? I thought I did, but now I realize that definitions for love are about as different - and plentiful - as a person fingerprints. They are formed by life experiences, needs, desires, purposes in life, mental state, anything and everything.

To live is to love right? What does love mean to you? Do you agree with my analysis or not? Is love even a verb, or an adjective?

I would appreciate answers to those questions, but if you don't want to, just think twice before you say I love you next time. I think everyone needs to figure out what love is to them before they should use it. I know I'm more determined to use it accurately, and not just as an off-the-cuff conversation filler, or an automatic because someone says it to you.

After all, "What's not to love?!"

I hope you all have a wonderful night!

-Jillian

...i hate school...

Awe is not a world much used lately, - is this the Three Wise Men following the Star? - what hasn't been explained? Actually, I don't know what has been explained. If we are told, for example, that 99% of our genes are simliar to those of a mouse, does this explain anything? Apprehension, disillusion, disoreintation, selfishness, lust, irony, envy, greed, and even self-sacrifice are commonplace: but awe? Our society has forgotten about it.

That's from my Writing 121 Essay book, and I managed to find it while wading through an obnoxiously long, random, nonsensical essay. But I just want to point out how truthful it is. I think we all need to feel more awe. Just to pause and look at our lives and our bodies and the wonderful, beautiful world around us, and feel awe, awe and gratitude. Awe and gratitude that Heavenly Father has given us all that he has.

The song the seems to reflect my life.; emotions suck, but thank heavens for Imogen Heap!!

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, cus you and I were never meant to be
I think you'd better leave; it's not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.
Alright then
I can keep your number for a rainy day,
That's when its set, no mistakes no misbehaving,
I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this,
Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you're as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh now don't make it harder than it already is,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this,
Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Big trouble loosing control,
Primary resistance at a critical load,
On the double gotta get a hold,
Point of no return a second to go,
No response on any level, red alert this vessels under siege,
To a lower lever, systems failed, they've got control,
There's no way out, we are surrounded,
Give in, Give in.....
Freeze, awake here forever,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this,
Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, it's just what I don't need,
Why make me feel like this, it's definitely all your fault. Feel like this
It's all your fault

Feel like this
It's all your fault
Feel like this
It's all your fault
Feel like this
It's all your fault