I'm going completely insane right now...;Jeffrey

I love coming back from night's with friends where my abs hurt from laughing so much. It's a great feeling that I plan on experiencing more often - like tomorrow night. That should be soon enough. :D

Anyway, there are a lot of thoughts flying through my head; it's sort of like a tossed salad in there. I've been observing and pondering life, and especially watching people a lot more lately. It's so weird to think that there are billions of us on this earth, and while we only come in contact with a fraction of them in our lifetime, we're only a few relationships away from every single person on this planet. And every single person has a story. I don't remember the first time I heard it. I think it was in Non-Fiction writing, but I know I'd thought of it before that.

We get so wrapped up in ourselves, our own problems. Half the time we don't even realize that others are crying out for us or that others care. If that "one person" we want to notice us doesn't, then we must be doing something wrong and no one notices us and we're not worth noticing. We never stop to think of the people who think of us as that "one person." or even the people who just appreciate you and love the fact that you're there. It's like that one saying "To the world you may be one person, but to one person, you may be the world."

Relationships are interesting things. What is a relationship exactly? Whenever you hear it, you usually assume that it means a romantic relationship, but it's not always. For instance, I can say "the relationship between me and Bob is completely platonic" and I'm obviously not referring to a romantic relationship. People say that money makes the world go 'round, and while that's true, I think relationships do as well.

I made the comment today that love is a horrible thing. And then somebody made a comment back to me that made so much sense that I wondered why I hadn't heard it before. He said "no, love is wonderful, it's people and the games they play that are horrible."

I play games. I'll admit it. But I don't want to anymore. I want to hug someone because I want to hug them, not because I want them to think I like them or because I know they won't think it's weird. I don't want to play games. I don't want to feel guilty or jealous watching people flirt. I don't want to feel territorial of my friends. I just want to feel...normal? Untwisted. Because that's how I feel when I play these games, twisted. There are so many good people out there who don't need any more issues. I don't want to hurt people (well, sometimes I do, but I shouldn't) or get hurt. I'm tired of trying to be anylitical and reading into what people say and don't say.

I think most of us have hit a...I don't want to call it a wall, but I can't figure out what I want to call it. How about a semi-permeable barrier? Whatever it is, we went through it without realizing the depth of what it meant to pass onto one side, probably without realizing we had passed through, and now we're stuck there. I guess this is what growing up is like.

I want to live for the moment again. I want to take someone to breakfast randomly. I want to be with people without feeling self-conscious. I want to rule the world. I want to find and be myself. I want to find the Savior. I want do to what Heavenly Father has planned for me.

-Jillian

A step in the dark...

I did something huge today. Most of you know what it is, so I won't go into detail (if you're completely clueless, I'll tell you if you ask nicely) but I'll admit, I'm scared.

I've always played at being independant. I'm the stubborn one who has a steady enough head on her shoulders not to take life too seriously, but not to be swept up in the stupidity of it. But really, I've never been independant. There were always people who I leaned on for all my advice. I never made a decision without others more or less making it for me. But now? I've cut myself off from that person. I've had to for the sake of my sanity, as well as theirs, most likely.

I feel like I'm starting off on a path, a journey that's going to take me somewhere important. I can almost see it in my mind. But I'm so scared to go on it. I've taken the first step - my leap of faith. The pathway isn't clear at all and faith has never been my strongest point. I'm so worried now that my crutch is gone. I want it back; I'm afraid to stand on my own. But I have to stay strong. Heavenly Father told me to let Raage go completely. Heavenly Father wants me to be happy and he wants me to live with Him again. If that means I have to go through hell with Christ being my only confidant, than so be it. I have to be strong now; it's time to step up and live my religion, not just watch it from the sidelines.

For Thou art my rock and my fortress; therefore for they names sake lead me, and guide me. Psalms 31:3

I hope I can take the leap of faith necessary to do what I need to. It's sad, it took me something said, verbatim, in two separate blessings - which the people giving the blessings didn't know as the one giving the blessing of comfort had never read my patriarchal blessing - for me to finally realize that I needed to change. I just pray that I can do it.

-Jillian

It sounds like we're having a lot of fun. And we are.

First things first! Tonight was amazing; more fun than I've had in a very very long time. I shall upload a few pictures, and explain why.

Yes, this is a puzzle that's actually a map of the world. It went with our "over the hill" theme...which I think only makes sense to us... But apparently, this puzzle was a royal pain in the tuckus. It took them about a half hour to put it together, and it fit funny, but when it was finished and all drawn over, it was awesome.

Alas, Steven didn't make it into the picture he's holding up - a gift we gave to Darcy as a welcome-hom present - but we figured he had to be included somehow, since he helped us decorate Darcy's room. What would we have done without him? He was the only one tall enough to stick the streamers to the ceiling!

Katelyn being cute. All of us decided this was as super adorable picture, so I put it on. :-D

I'm just such a good friend. I saw this great picture of Mollie and had to put it on so the plethora of attractive single males that read my blog would want to date my friend. I love the girl, what can I say?

Now, this right here was the fruit of our labors. We decorated Darcy's room with balloons and steamers and a banner and gifts and we made her a card. It was - to steal one of Darcy's words - Brilliant.

Katelyn tried to read "The Night Before Christmas" to us, but something happened during the reading that would only occur with choir nerds born and bred at La Grande High School. We burst into the song version and sang a good 3/4 of it with four part harmony while dancing around Darcy's living room.

The picture of us after our breaking and entering Shenanigans. Though technically nothing was broken. Darcy's parents left us a key. Note Steven's clueless expression. I assume it was done on purpose, but with Steven you never really know...;)

Okay, so here's what happened: Darcy finally came home from college. Now, for those that might not know us (I have no idea who that would be, creepy people reading some random blog...) our friends are amazing. It's true. I can officially say I have the coolest friends ever. They're there for me when I need them, and even when I don't need them and I just want them, they're there. I think a quote fits our group pretty durn well; "Happiness is singing together when day is through, and Happiness is those that sing with you."

Over the past two or three days, I've begun to appreciate my friends more. I mean, really appreciate them. Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I was focused almost completely on them and what we were doing. And the result was I laughed more than I have in four or five months.

Oh, and guys? I think I'm going to start a myspace so I can upload ALL the pictures and have you guys see them as well as possibly upload the videos, because who doesn't want to see Mollie and Isha dancing around as cheerleaders?

I have three regrets about tonight: that it ended, that it doesn't happen often enough, and that I didn't catch our singing "Twas the Night" on camera! Gosh darn realizing camera-worthy moments too late!

Toodles everyone!

-Jillian

Volare...

I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored! I sort of want to bake something, or go somewhere and do something embarrassing and take pictures with my camera. I like my camera. It makes me happy.

Unfortunately, most of the people I would do stuff with are busy. So I'm stuck with myself.

You know what, I don't need Raage. I DON'T NEED RAAGE!!!! That's right, you heard me! I DON'T NEED HIM!! I don't need someone that hurts and degrades me, someone who doesn't care enough about me even tell me the truth or keep me informed on his life. I have amazing friends that truly care about me and want me to be happy.

Man, I'm lucky. My friends and family are awesome. And you want to know something else? I don't need him to be a good person. I'm a better person without him, because I can actually be myself and not worry about worrying about someone else. I can make my own decisions now. I can go to college where I want to go to college, I can work at Playmill this summer, I can study whatever I want to, because Heavenly Father is finally coming first in my life. I'm going to do what he wants me to! No more Raage. He's not important anymore.

I feel so liberated. So free!

-Jillian

Ode to Tuesday

Oh Tuesday!
What joys you had for me
Nausea and cramping
Josh Groban for four blissful hours
Superman in the dark
Flirting at work
Blood and needles in my arm
Almost blacking out
The Cherry Orchard?
Oh Tuesday, sweet Tuesday
Avoiding homework
Hanging out with friends
Eating something that disagreed
Intense stomach cramping
huddling in the bathroom for fifteen minutes
Food poisoning?
Trying to figure out mysterious time signatures
Tuesday, juxtaposed Tuesday!
I will remember you always!

My obituary:
Jillian Wheeler died today. She was at work, diligently doing her duty of bringing pizzas out to hungry customers when she slipped. A large #2 minus onions and hot cheese, plus extra mozzarella on cornmeal crust flew into her face, burning and suffocating her with copious amounts of pizza sauce and melted cheese. All efforts to resuscitate the teen failed. The funeral will be held on Friday of this week at 5 o'clock. It will be a closed casket funeral as no one was quite able to peel all the pepperoni off of her face. She is survived by her friends and her family who are now happy that they don't have to pay the outrageously high auto insurance. But her dogs will miss her.

A semi-depressing blog...

Every girl wants to be special. I've said that what has to be at least one hundred times to different people. Every girl wants to be special to some person.

I think this goes doubly for me. To be normal, standard, everyday,"one-of-many" would kill me. I suppose that's why I'm jealous of people with more diverse backgrounds than I. There's nothing there that makes me stand out, I'm just a regular English/French/Russian Jew and I look it. I can sing pretty well. But I know that there are those better than I am. I can be funny and entertaining at times, but I'm nothing spectacular. Perfectly normal. Perfectly average.

He made me feel special. He made me feel like there was something about me that no one else had, something that...I don't know. Something that made me stand out. And I was happy knowing that somewhere, someone cared for me. Someone thought about me every now and then and wondered how I was doing. Someone wanted to talk to me more than they wanted to talk to any one else. I was special because they could tell me things they couldn't tell anyone else and they wanted to spend time with me and wanted to make me smile.

He was special. I could talk to him. There seemed to be nothing that we couldn't discuss, and we would talk for hours and the conversation wouldn't get old; religion, relationships, family, school, people, futures. He was special because I've never really had someone that could both tell when something was wrong with me and get me to talk about it in detail. He was special because he understood me. He had a smile that I couldn't help but smile along with. He made me want to be a better person; when he chastised me it only hurt my pride for a moment and then caused me to become motivated. He was special because he actually cared.

I guess I wasn't special enough.

It hurts a lot. It's bittersweet to hear him talk now - he talks about the people he talks to and how wonderful his life is. On one hand I'm happy he's happy; he deserves to be happy, he's an amazing person. But on the other it hurts realizing that I didn't do anything to affect his happiness when he was here. I think he told me he missed me once, in his very first e-mail, and then nothing. And I guess I feel pathetic becuase I still miss him, three and a half months after he left. There are still times when I want to go on a walk with him and just talk.

I feel like a burden to him, like I'm cramping his style. In my mind I imagine every time I call he looks at the caller ID and rolls his eyes, wondering why I'm calling him again. Or worse, that when I call he doesn't care either way. That to him I'm just another girl. Another one of his friends in La Grande that he might think about calling if he gets bored when he comes home. That there was nothing special about me in the first place.

I'm just normal, standard, everyday, "one-of-many". Average. Insignificant.

I think they should make Star Wars into a musical... I can see the rousing chorus numbers now...

So here I sit in my now normal spot in the Loso Lobby. It's one of the only places where I can get internet connection and still be warm.

On that note, it's become QUITE cold lately. But my hair hasn't frozen in the past few weeks. Though Jeff did say that it was colder in my apartment than it was outside.

So I don't know why I'm blogging. Probably because no one's blogged in like, a year (yes, I know I'm exaggerating...I do that a lot. I wrote on Raage's facebook wall yesterday and was all "because no one's written on here for a while" and it had only been about a day since someone had written on it) so I felt motivated to make someone excited when they check blogs and are all "ohmigosh! Jillian posted! Happiness!" Because I know me posting will bring everyone undefinable happiness. I just have that affect on people.

Man, I've been in the weirdest moods lately. Seriously, I'll be super happy and chipper for like, a week and then I'll crash for about four or five hours until something (or someone) snaps me out of it. I think it might be the medicine I'm on. When I heard about the depression that it's caused in some people I became sort of freaked out, especially when I considered the types of moods I'd been having for the past month or so. I mean, people have committed suicide while on these meds. But the worst effect I seem to be experiencing is my skin looking like I have exzyma or something. Or like I was burned with hot oil or acid. Maybe we should create a musical about my skin problem and call it "The Shadow of the Mackenzie". I'll be the creepy person with disgusting, irritated skin that skulks around the theatre. Ooh! And that's why random peices of fake snow still fall from the rafters even though that show finished two years ago!!!

Hm...I like it when I'm in these kinds of moods. I've missed being random like this. KATELYN'S COMING TO VISIT ME!! YAYAY!!!!

So, I think this'll be the end of my blog. Hope you all have wonderful days, and remember not to drink hot cocoa while lying down!

toodles!

-Jillian

Semi-personal confessions...

Sorry her lot who loves too well,
Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly.
Sad are the sighs that own the spell,
Sad are the eyes that speak too plainly

Sorry her lot who loves too well
Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly.

Heavy the sorrow that bows the head
When love is alive and hope is dead.
When love is alive and hope is dead.

Turn ons: Good smelling guys, chocolate, long talks about good things, guys who are actually good and chaste and don't just pretend to be, hugs from little children, the setting sun reflecting reds and golds off of clouds, breaking into dancing, being yourself and feeling completely comfortable, girls nights with good music and pulsing beats, getting a truly caring hug from a member of an opposites sex, dog piles with friends, pranking, getting compliments from someone who really means it especially from that one special person, knitting, being with friends that listen to you and don't think you're weird when you do random things, falling asleep on someone's chest and feeling them breath and hearing their heartbeat, how clean you feel when you just get out of the shower, going to church, Heavenly Father, being able to pray and knowing he won't be annoyed by your neediness.

Turn offs: Lying, dishonesty, people who say they'll do something then don't, being depressed, second-guessing myself, uncertainty, feeling jealous, wet socks, having people angry at me, being ditched, feeling ugly, waking up when it's dark, getting wet when my hair's straightened, the nagging sensation that I'm never thought of, being alone, wanting to call someone and being afraid to do it, being tempted, becoming lackadasical about anything, regretting my actions, people that smell like onion or B.O. or anything nasty, feeling unmotivated, having cold toes, feeling helpless, being anxious, feeling like I like someone more than they like me, self-righteous people, arrogance, realizing that I have more weaknesses that I can ever fix by myself, being dependant on others, sweat.

There you go. Some semi-personal confessions that you may or may not be understandable and surprising.

Toodles

-Jillian

Brittney Spears isn't a good performer, she's just a good stripper

Thank you Ginger Ranslam. Good times at Mac's.

So I'm at rehearsal right now. I got here over two hours ago so I could do some homework before the LDSSA meeting. That's basically been my life. Homework, school, rehearsal, somtimes work, an hour or so at a time between classes when I hang out at Mac's with some music/theatre people. Mostly though it's just rehearsal and homework. Though since I'm taking this class for credit, rehearsal can be considered homework. So basically life is homework and school.

I'm doing pretty well in my classes right now actually. I think I have mostly A's. I'm not so sure about my writing class. I know I've gotten all the points possible on our worksheets and such, but I also missed a 20 point assignment because I was down in Utah. That's a sore spot. But I got a 90% on our last essay. Everyone else around me said they recieved 78's, so I'm not sure if she's grading on a curve. If she were it would be sweet.

The play opens in a little over a week! FREAKY!!! I think I need to actually memorize my lyrics. That might be smart.

Man I want candy. Seriously. Major chocolate craving.

I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do tonight. I really want to go and see Isha, but I don't have the money to pay to go through the Haunted House. Besides, Mollie's at work and Jeff already went so I don't know how hot he's going to be on going again. I could probably stay home and do homework, but I sort of want to do something. Like eat chocolate.

Anyway, I'm going to go because I'm supposed to be going on soon. Talk to you guys later!

Toodles!

-Jillian

The Passenger Seat...

I roll the window down

and then begin to breathe in

the darkest country road

and the strong scent of evergreen

from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

then looking upwards

I strain my eyes and try

to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites

from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"do they collide?"

I ask and you smile.

with my feet on the dash

the world doesn't matter.

when you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride

when you need directions then I'll be the guide

for all time.

for all time.

Reflections on Love

"I love you" is a statement that can be expressed in so many varied ways. It amy be a stage song, repeated daily without any meaning, or a barely audible whisper, full of surrender. Sometimes it means I desire you or I want you sexually. It may mean: I hope you love me or I hope that I will be able to love you. Often it means: It may be that a love relationship can develop between us. Often it is a wish for emotional exchange: I want your admiration in exchange for mine, or I give my love in exchange for some passion, or I want to feel cozy and at home with you, or I admire some of your qualities. A declaration of love is mostly a request: I desire you, or I want you to gratify me, or I want your protection or I want to be intimate with you, or I want to exploit your loveliness.

Sometimes it is the need for security and tenderness, for parental treatment. It may mean: My self-love goes out to you. But it may also express submissiveness: Please take me as I am, or I feel guilty, I want, through you, to fix the mistakes I've made in human relationships. It may be self-sacrifice and masochistic wish for dependency.

However, it may also be a full affirmation of the other, taking the responsibility for mutual exchange of feelings. It may be a weak feeling of friendliness, it may be scarecly even a whispered expression of ecstasy. "I love you" - wish, desire, submission, conquest; it is never the word itself that tells the real meaning of the simple phrase.

I don't know why I found that so fascinating. Probably because it's referring to the many different interpretations of a so-commonly spoken phrase. What does love mean? I suppose to me it means the full-trusting and desire to be with someone. The feeling and idea that no matter what happens, you'll be able to get through it as long as the person you love is with you. That that person makes you happy, they complete you. I'm not saying the person is perfect, by any means. Just that they're perfect for you. It means "I trust you not to hurt me, I trust you with my mind, my heart, my everything." It's long-lasting.

Have I ever said "I love you" without meaning it? I thought I had, but looking back at what I think "I love you" means, I realize I haven't. Not really, when the person realized I meant it, and not just in the cutsey "I'm saying I love you because I'm asking you for a favor" way. You can love your brother, you can love your husband, and - most importantly - you should love Christ by fully trusting.

I suppose there is no official definition for love. Dictionary.com lists the number of defintions for the word love at 28, but I think there are as many as there are people on the earth. I don't think it can really be defined, only expressed.

The issues comes, I suppose when two people exchange "I love you." Can you ever really know what the other person means? I thought I did, but now I realize that definitions for love are about as different - and plentiful - as a person fingerprints. They are formed by life experiences, needs, desires, purposes in life, mental state, anything and everything.

To live is to love right? What does love mean to you? Do you agree with my analysis or not? Is love even a verb, or an adjective?

I would appreciate answers to those questions, but if you don't want to, just think twice before you say I love you next time. I think everyone needs to figure out what love is to them before they should use it. I know I'm more determined to use it accurately, and not just as an off-the-cuff conversation filler, or an automatic because someone says it to you.

After all, "What's not to love?!"

I hope you all have a wonderful night!

-Jillian

...i hate school...

Awe is not a world much used lately, - is this the Three Wise Men following the Star? - what hasn't been explained? Actually, I don't know what has been explained. If we are told, for example, that 99% of our genes are simliar to those of a mouse, does this explain anything? Apprehension, disillusion, disoreintation, selfishness, lust, irony, envy, greed, and even self-sacrifice are commonplace: but awe? Our society has forgotten about it.

That's from my Writing 121 Essay book, and I managed to find it while wading through an obnoxiously long, random, nonsensical essay. But I just want to point out how truthful it is. I think we all need to feel more awe. Just to pause and look at our lives and our bodies and the wonderful, beautiful world around us, and feel awe, awe and gratitude. Awe and gratitude that Heavenly Father has given us all that he has.

The song the seems to reflect my life.; emotions suck, but thank heavens for Imogen Heap!!

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, cus you and I were never meant to be
I think you'd better leave; it's not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.
Alright then
I can keep your number for a rainy day,
That's when its set, no mistakes no misbehaving,
I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this,
Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you're as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh now don't make it harder than it already is,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this,
Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Big trouble loosing control,
Primary resistance at a critical load,
On the double gotta get a hold,
Point of no return a second to go,
No response on any level, red alert this vessels under siege,
To a lower lever, systems failed, they've got control,
There's no way out, we are surrounded,
Give in, Give in.....
Freeze, awake here forever,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this,
Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, it's just what I don't need,
Why make me feel like this, it's definitely all your fault. Feel like this
It's all your fault

Feel like this
It's all your fault
Feel like this
It's all your fault
Feel like this
It's all your fault

Viva la Flamingo

And that my friends, is the new motto of life. I'm not sure what it means, but it makes me ridiculously happy. :-D See?

Anyway. So I'm sitting in a house in Woodinville right now. In case you don't know, that's about 15 minutes outside of Seattle. I wouldn't have known. I didn't even know how to pronounce it, I've been out of school too long.

So, our American Idol adventure so far. Basically it involves a broken muffler, 5.5 hours driving, good stories and quotes (like the one as my title), a dark foreboding highway that's covered in rain, lots of laxative-like snacks, sleep-deprivation, standing in line and listening to some horrible people sing, and some salmon. The salmon's the coolest part. I'd never had salmon until tonight, and boy, is it yummy. Sharon - the mother of the family we're staying with - cooked it with really yummy spices and brown sugar. Oh, it was good.

But Jeff's muffler broke. Like, clean off the piping. It's sad really. But we're going to try and get it fixed tomorrow. We don't even know how it happened. The guy at Shucks said it looked like somebody just sliced it from the piping.

But dude, I'm tired. So I think I'm going to call it a night and hit the sack. Tomorrow we've got a full day of sight-seeing! WOOHOO!!! I'm really psyched actually. This is my first trip to Seattle, and I'm going to make the best of it - even if me and Jeff get lost somewhere. That's what cell phones are for, right?

Toodles!

-Jillian

A wonderful reality

So I know I posted yesterday, and most of you probably haven't even read it yet, but I have to tell about a cool experiance I had today in the EOU library.

I walked in there and the buzz and static of the computers and people in there was everywhere, plus the sound of the air conditioner and everything. So I finish looking up the numbers for the book I want and start heading down the aisle. I'm going as fast as I can because I'm in 15 minute parking and I really don't want to get a ticket. I start down one of the rows of books on the main floor, just looking at the numbers as I go, when suddenly I stop. It's completely silent. The bookshelves are towering heavily, weighted down with knowledge that others have deemed important enough to pass on, almost everything a person could want to know, all within the reach of my fingertips. All I'd have to do is pull it off the shelf and curl up in a ball by the bookshelf. I would be in my own world. No sound, no computers, no air conditioning noise, no one besides me and the author's knowledge. It was like I was in a completely different world. I was no longer in the Pierce Library in La Grande, Oregon. I was a thousand miles away, learning aything I wanted to know.

I like the library. I want to go back sometime.

Hey there Deliliah

What's it like in New York City?

I'm a thousand miles away,

but girl tonight you looks so pretty

Oh yes you do

Time Square can't shine as bright as you.

I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah

Don't you worry about the distance

I'm right there if you get lonely,

give this song another listen.

Close your eyes,

listen to my voice,

it's my disguise.

I'm by your side

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

what you do to me

He there Delilah

I know times are getting hard,

but just believe me girl

someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar.

We'll have it good.

We'll have the life we knew we would.

My word is good

Hey there Delilah

I've got so much left to say.

If every simple song I wrote to you

would take your breath away

I'd write it all,

even more in love with me you'd fall.

We'd have it all

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far,

but they've got planes and trains and cars

I'd walk to you if I had no other way.

Our friends would all make fun of us

and we'll just laugh along because

we know that none of them have ever felt this way.

Delilah, I can promise you

that by the time we get through

the world will never ever be the same,

and you're to blame.

Hey there Delilah

you be good and don't you miss me.

Two more years and you'll be done with school

and I'll be making history like I do.

You'll know it's all because of you.

We can do whatever we want to.

Hey there Delilah here's to you.

This one's for you

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, its what you do to me

What you do to me

I like this song. I've decided I want to make a difference in life. Just one. It doesn't have to be big. But I hope it's for the better.

-Jillian

Safety pins are a bridesmaids best friend

It's over!! Oopah!

Well, I guess it's not completely over. We still have an open house to tackle this Saturday. Once that's over though...

I'm supposed to housesit this week at Jen and Nicks. I get to water their plants, check their mail, and drink Nick's soy milk. I'm not sure if that's necessarily a good thing. The soy milk, I mean. I've never tried soy milk, so I wouldn't even know if it's gone bad when I drink it. For all I know I'm going to be drinking sour soy milk. Can soy milk go sour? I know it can go bad.

Anyway, church was awesome today. It's awesome every Sunday, but today was pretty dang up there on the coolness scale. Kayleen gave a talk because it was her last Sunday, and she made the comment that going to church is like going to a Potluck. You bring one thing, someone brings another, and eventually you have a gigantic feast. You decide how much you want to "eat" so to speak, and the more you eat, the longer you can go while being full. Whenever you go to church, it seems like when you decide to "eat" your fill you're on a spiritual high for a long time. But when - for whatever reason - you decide you don't want to eat a lot, you get hungrier faster, meaning your spirit doesn't ride as high for as long. Which is why we go to church every Sunday. I remember reading something in a magazine a while about why you go to church, because he believed that you could get more out of personal study than you can listening to someone in front of a church. And the whole "food analogy" is why. Because everone brings something to learn and a certain strength, and without others strengths you can't be well-rounded. It reminds me of marriage. You marry someone who completes you. Someone who's opposite you, who has the strengths that you lack and your strengths are their weaknesses.

Actually, that makes me think of something interesting. I was talking with Gen and one of her friends last night and I asked her if she ever smelled her boyfriends hands and if she liked how they smelled. She said they did and her friends made the comment that the reason why you find only certain pharemons attractive is that it's your body naturally selecting the person who you would want to have children with - the person whose immune system compliments yours. In other words, your natural selection of a mate would be the person who's almost exactly opposite of you - chemically and otherwise. I thought that was really cool.

Anyway, I think that's going to be my post for now. I'm oober tired and I think I might take a nap and watch Jimmy Neutron on my laptop. Oh, for those who don't know, I got my laptop. Unfortunately, I was unknowingly decieved on what came with the laptop. I thought it had Microsoft Word and stuff on it, but it doesn't. If anyone knows where I can get that, it would be super duper cool, because I kind of need it.

Toodles everyone! Have an amazing Sunday!

-Jillian

I now have four cuts on my hands, no family, and no best friend. Wanna trade lives?

So. Ho hum. I don't know what to say exactly. All I want to do right now is sit and talk. And cry. It's hard to explain exactly, and that's the problem. It hits me randomly, in waves.

I miss Raage. A lot. And I hate myself for it. I hate that I'm constantly wondering if he's e-mailed me and how happy I am if he does and how depressed I am when I finally get to a computer and he hasn't. It's frustrating.

I just want school to start. Something to take my mind away from this summer and the mundane monotiny that has become my life. Unfortunately, when you take a large chunk out of the monotinys, life becomes really awkward. And in my case, pretty painful.

Life is dragging on, and I'm getting pulled along with it. All I want to do is complain, to vent about my issues. But who to vent to? There's the problem.

I hate the fact that I'm this selfish. I hate that all I seem to think about is myself, or when I manage to think about others, it has to do with me somehow. Can't I ever be selfless? Can't I ever not focus on my own problems?

Ironic isn't it, that this entire post is talking about me. I suppose that's what blogs are for really, the talk about ones self. Hence why the blog only belongs to one person. I suppose it sort of represents life in a way. You go about your business and sometimes people comment.

Or maybe I just need to stop thinking. Thinking seems to get me into trouble, though not quite as much trouble as feeling seems to get me into.

So what's there to do? Really, nothing. Just keep going, trucking along, trying to make out as best as I can. I don't know.

I've known for a while that I would need to become self-sufficient, and fast. Unforunately, in my rush to do so I find myself pretty much alone. So while I'm self-sufficient physically, emotionally I'm still needy. But when no one's there physically it's a bit harder to have your emotional needs met. Especially when I have pretty high maitenance emotional needs.

Oh well, I guess now is as good a time as ever to start trying. After all, no man is an island, but maybe I can try being a peninsula.

-Jillian

Never Let Go...

I can’t understand it

The search for an answer

Is met with a darker day

And we’ve been handed these moments

Forever

But I’m reassured

There’s another way

You don’t have to close your eyes

There is room for love again

Ease the pain to realize

All that love can be
Forced apart by time and sand

Take a step

And take my hand

And don’t let it go

Never let go

Broken, once connected

We were so strong and so blessed

In a simple way

So don’t let me go it alone

Turn your head up to the sky

Nothing down below but me

Face the truth to realize

All that we could be

Torn apart by rage and fear

Hold on to what brought you here

Don’t let it go

Never let go

Hold your head up to the sky

Nothing down below but me

Face the truth and realize

All that we could be
Turn your head up to the sky

Nothing down below

Don’t let go

-Josh Groban

I'm going to hit you in the face with a George Foreman grill

Okay, so I didn't really come up with that one. I wasn't even there or invovled in the making of this quote. I just heard about it. Ten to one it's not even right. But oh well. It was either that or something like the one I did last time I blogged.

So, my head hurts. A lot. In case you guys don't know (even though I'm pretty sure all of you do) the night I wrote that last blog I smacked my head on the floor and gave myself a concussion. It's great. The screen is almost too bright for me. Amazingly though, I think I'm getting better. I went and looked at my pupils in the mirror a few minutes ago, and they're not fluctuating in size as much as they were before.

Basically I'm just wasting time right now until we go over and get the keys from Katelyn's pastor. Apparenlty he knows me. I guess from Track probably. Weird. I was pretty sure he had absolutly no idea who I was. He probably only knows me as that one girl that distracted Raage. That's a great impression.

I want to go do something. Something that involves food mostly. I think I'm dehydrated, because all I want is food. And I realize that's makes almost no sense. I want to watch a movie too. Jeff showed us a preview for a movie called "the Fountain" and I really want to see it. It's rated R though, so maybe I'll get it through clean flicks, because it looks absolutely gorgeous.

I want to go running or actually start being able to do something. I'm supposed to be weeding, but right now it's not going to happen. My mom won't let me run and usually I don't have enough time or energy to weed. I've been feeling pretty anemic lately, which is understandable, considering.

And what is the purpose of this blog. Mostly to waste time. Raage's sitting on the other couch reading, Katelyn's playing some Enya over on the piano, I'm typing and singing along with Jeff.

I want to be able to do stuff. Unfortunately, I know that if I'm going to get better I have to sleep more. But with my work schedule and the fact that I want to hang out with people, it just seems like I don't have any time to do anything.

And I'm whining now, so I think I'm going to sign off.

Toodles!

-Jillian

...well, I'm completely dried-up for quotes...

So.

Here I am again, sitting at my dad's computer, plunking away at the keys. Except this time I can see them. The wonder of contacts!

I don't like money. It causes so much stress! Seriously, here I am, an 18 year old just trying to get through school without raking up too much debt, yet still trying to get the things needed, like laptops and, you know, food and other somewhat important stuff like that. It never seems to work though! I'm super duper frustrated! I mean, I went shopping today because I needed a new sports bra (I bought two, extra-extra support) and running shoes so I can actually start doing some physical stuff, plus I had to buy a bunch of food for Jenny's bridal shower, which is on Tuesday. I spent about $55 bucks today, and I still managed to forget to get a notebook for an advice/memory book for the shower.

And on a completely different note, I just looked out the window, and saw Evylyn sucking face with her boyfried.

Ew. Ew, ew, ew.

Ope, they're still doing it. I don't think I'm going to be turning around any time soon. Because, like, seriously, it's completely revolting. I don't like watching people kiss passionately/suck face/exchange saliva anyway, but when it's someone you know, plus it's Evylyn. *shudders*

I'm such a mean person. Bad Jillian, Bad!

So I'm thinking about taking another class. Like one at 8 on Tuesday and Thursday or something. I think I'll actually log on and look into that. It's funny, because I'm taking as many or more courses than a lot of the people I know, but I still feel like I'm taking the easy way out. None of the classes are that hard. Oh well. Whatcha gonna do? *breaks into song* the king likes Daniel more than me and you!.

Okay, that's over. I hope Mollie got it at least.

I've had a fun last couple of days. I've missed hanging out with Jeff and Katelyn and Mollie. Especially when they're together. Seriously, it becomes the "who can shout louder than whom" competition.

I think I can win.

EW! THEY'RE STILL DOING IT! It's seriously been ten or fifteen minutes. Geesh. At least do it somewhere where people can't see.

Anyway, I'm going to sign off and look at classes.

Toodles!

-Jillian