You told me about Captain Hook

And all of his men

Who followed Peter with a hook replaces as his hand

In those tales bad guys seldom did win

So the captain was eaten, and Wendy had twins

Well, that's the story as I recall

But I may have made up the end

Don't remember much at three feet tall

except for when I'd say,

Mom,

Let me go to Never Neverland,

Let me fly for one day

Throw that fairy dust in my hair

So I pretend I'm flying away

I'm flying away

Well, to my surprise I grew up too fast,

and that easy life of tinkerbell, it never did last

So I'd silently dream myself far far away

Where I could be immortalized like Peter one day

And that's my childhood as I recall

Though in some ways it never did end

And now I'm standing, well, a little bit taller

Except for when I say

Mom,

Let me go to Never Neverland,

Let me fly for one day

And throw that fairy dust in my hair

so I pretend I'm flying away

I'm fying away!

And though life is never easy

As we as children read in the book

Where fairy dust can just fly you so far awy

And all I ask is that you leave me my imagination

Where I can pretend I'm flying away

I'm flying away, and that is where I'll stay

Right there in Never Neverland

I'll be flying, I'll be dying

For love, appreciation

Where mermaids would sing and fairies would ring

Right down there in Never Neverland

And it's second to the left and straight on until morning

Or was it second to the right and straight on until morning?

In Never Neverland

My Never Neverland

Expressions

This...has been an odd week for me. I don't know how else to describe it. I find I describe things better in words when my brain if functioning on sleep and that I can describe my emotions and feelings better through music and drawing when I'm tired. And as I'm running on 10 hours of sleep for the past 2 days, I choose this picture:

I drew it yesterday while I was soaking up some sunlight on rape hill. It was such an awesome experience.

And now it's snowing. What. The hell.

I hate when I can't express myself through words. To me that's the epitome of frustration, when you can't explain something adequately because the words don't exist, or - even worse - you don't know exactly what you're trying to express.

I guess that's really what my problem was growing up and the one I continue to struggle with today. I have so many people around me who are able and more than willing to listen to my problems but I've always felt afraid to burden them with my troubles or express an vulnerable emotion to them.

Except now I'm wondering if it isn't the fear of being a burden or exposing myself so openly to someone as it is I don't know how to verbalize my feelings. When people ask what's wrong, I don't think they realize I give them an accurate response most of the time when I say I don't know.

I'm a fairly independent person. I try not to attatch myself too horribly strong to any one person and I can get myself out of almost any situation I get myself into. I know how to get things done.

That being said, I need advice and opinions and people in my life. I have to talk through my feelings and thoughts to understandy why I am the way I am and feel the way I feel. I can sometimes achieve that through writing - hence the blog and journal I keep with me at all times - but sometimes writing just doesn't cut it. Sometimes I need someone to ask me the questions I'm afraid to ask myself or to take what I'm saying and peice it together for me because I'm too close to the situation and emotions to understand it all. Sometimes I just need someone who'll sit with me and hold my hand or play with my hair while I struggle to discover things for myself.

And that's why I don't do that very often with people. When they ask what's wrong and what they can do to help I don't think they realize exactly how much they'd be in for if I took them up on their offer. This isn't to say that none of them would be up for it. I think most of my close friends and family would be fine playing psychiatrist to me, at least every once and a while. It's just that sometimes it's neither the time nor the place for a long winded psychological evaluation.

That being said, I took an interesting surve today on how my 'social needs' are being met by BYU. Ad I realized they're not. And maybe it's because I don't allow it too or maybe I allow my prejudices to blind me to the potential of my fellow students. But it's just sometimes I can't help but feel that the average BYU student doesn't look beyond what social events they're planning on attending for the evening or if their boyfriend of two weeks is going to propose.

Like today, we finished a service project and were hanging out at one of the guys' apartments eating the refreshments and two of the roommates started talking. The synopsis of the story is one of the guys went on a date last night with girl 1 and was supposed to go on a date tonight with girl 2, but girl 2 ditched on him. So the other roommate was like "dude...ask girl 3" (obviously, he used a name, I just can't remember it right now) and the first guy was like "Oh...yeah...I like her. Will you put in a good word for me?" and thus continued the conversation.

It was weird for me. And I don't know why it bothers me. Actually, yes, I think I do. BYU gets a bum wrap for being a school all about finding an eternal partner and forming eternal units and being a light to all the other people in the world with our familial stability and intellectual correctness. And you know what, I can understand that. Surely there are those who go here who don't have the mindset of "Oh no, I'm graduating from BYU in a year and I'm not married yet, what am I going to do?" but we tend to blend more into the background.

I'm sure there are those who actually think about political and social issues and decide what they believe instead of just assuming every word coming from the mouths of professors or the Daily Universe or other political pundits. But again, when you feel like a minority in an incredibly homogenous group of people it's easier to find a social network that's not sponsered by BYU. Which is why, in my free time (all 7 hours of it that I have a week) you'll find me hanging out with my gays or up in Salt Lake discussing politics, relationships and life outside of college with my girls at a brewery. It's just that whenever I attend BYU functions I feel so...ostracized and contaminated at the same time.

But I suppose this is hypocritical of me. I'm judging these people and I don't know them. It just weirds me out when people start a conversation with me by asking the same standard questions: What's your major? Are you dating anyone? How serious is it? What does he do? (and you know they ask that because they want to know if his profession will help support a family). I try and keep those conversations as superficial as possible (because that's what you do at Ward functions, form superficial relationships where you're always happy to see the people) and avoid making any political comments or talking about my actual feelings on relationships. I just smile and nod a lot. Oh, and comment on their clothes and shoes. And their hair too. That much back-combing takes time and effort. You just try not to stir the pot.

So yes, that stereotype of BYU exists and it survives and thrives because the students allow it and perpetuate it!

There must be a reason why I'm at BYU. I just have to figure it out.

Toodles.

-Jillian

Most recently I've been noticing awkward words in very public places. Except they don't really exist. Like my friend had some kind of rotating billboard thingy on her blog and while it was flipping from one part of a saying to another I had the words "dancing" and waiting" merge in my mind and create the word "farting."

I found this an awkward word to have flashing on a fairly feminine well-put together blog. I then dedicated all of my attention (well, as much as I can usually give at one time, probably around 80%) and realized I'd misread it. And thrown some extra letters in there, just for good measure.

This happened the other day on a license plate. It said "boots" and to my quickly flitting eye I thought it said "boobs." Oddly enough, this was less disconcerting than seeing "farting" on my friends blog. Apparenlty I expect total strangers to have the word "boobs" plastered on their car.

I need to stop staying up to all hours writing papers. Thank heavens for the 7-11 down the street. Though I'm noticing that some skeevy people hang out there starting around the weekend. Meaning tonight. I should probably stick to my late night walkings with poli-sci papers which are typically due on Wednesdays. No creepers are there on Tuesdays.

But you know, as awesome as it would be to someday master this inability to focus and do things more than say, oh, I don't know, 12 hours before they're due, I don't know if I will ever be able to accomplish that. This does not bode well for history 490. Hello Senior Capstone paper. I might need more than 12 hours and 64 oz of Mt. Dew for that one...

Le sigh...anyway, time to B.S. a bibliography. I don't even know how to cite a scientific paper. I don't write these things...

Toodles!

-Jillian

Spark of Creation...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vk-da4405o0

Everyone should watch this video. I love it. Love, love, love. Not only is Natalie Weiss amazing, she's singing one of my all-time favorite songs. So enjoy world.

Toodles!

-Jillian

The inner-workings of Jillian while writing a paper

I thought some of you might find this entertaining, so here...

11:15 should be starting on paper. Too busy thinking about night with Stanley to focus.

11:29 I'm giving up. Going to get Mt. Dew and SmartPop from 7-11 down the street

11:49 Hmmmm...it would seem silly to start the paper before midnight at this point. Might as well wait until then. Hello Facebook!

11:58 Stanley made it home safe. Now he can help me with some of the citations on my paper. Hooray!

12:21 Not finding many references on the bill I'm looking for. I need specific figures to make the point I need.

12:24 Just found out Stanley apparenlty wrote the speech I'm supposed to be citing. Wow. Really should have done more research for the paper while he was actually with me and not falling asleep 40 miles away in Salt Lake.

12:42 bored with eating Smartpop, moving onto leftover quiche

1:02 I've become massively distracted reading about some of the other bills coming up before the legislature. They're contemplating cutting the 12th grade? REALLY? Who ARE these people?

1:14 Okay, focusing on writing the paper. I just need to get started, than the ideas will flow forth from my fingers like brilliance!

1:20 I'm thinking I maybe should have actually read an op-ed piece before I attempted to write one. Oh well. Too late now.

1:36 Perfect! I figured out the points I want to make! I love it!

1:54 Uh-oh, out of Mt. Dew. I'd better get this done before I have to walk down to the 7-11 again. This time I might give in and buy Laffy-Taffy

1:56 So the paper's supposed to be 700 words. The introduction alone is 200. I'm screwed.

2:01 What if I choose to emphasize in American history, focusing on the evolution of women's role in society? I think that would be cool, albeit completely unrelated to my task at hand.

2:19 Okay, covered topic number one and am almost halfway to my word limit. This essay may need some cropping at the end of the day...

2:22 Sometimes I don't understand the formatting on my computer. It likes to jump between double and single spaces all the time. Not cool.

2:33 Juuuuuuuust hit a wall. I'm hearing odd buzzings in my ears. I think I'm going to go wash my face and brush my teeth then return to keep plugging away.

2:44 Back and feeling a little more awake. And good news! I'm moving on to the third of three issues and I'm only at 350 words! Yay! I may be able to do this yet!

2:47 I somehow just managed to erase my entire paper. Thanks heavens for the undo button! I was scared there for a few seconds when the entire screen went blank.

2:50 I wonder how my parents would feel about this paper. Not only am I saying the federal government should have power in this instance, I'm also fighting for gun-control. Hmmm...Rush Limbaugh would be so disapointed, not to mention Glenn Beck.

3:06 I've officially made all my arguments, however lucidly, and have 25 words until I've reached the low point of my word count. All I have to do is conclude the paper in 25-225 words and I'll be okay. Sometimes, things just work out, ya know?

3:13 I forgot there were some points I wanted to make. Now I have to go back and re-vamp some things but I'm worried in my half-dazed state what I write won't make sense. Half the time I think it's brilliance the other half...well...less than brilliant.

3:33 I really need to stop writing. I'm 11 words away from my limit.

3:42 Start working on works cited page. Yay endnotes!

4:03 finished with works cited page! Hurrah! I really wish I had my Hacker Handbook but I think I left it in La Grande. I'll have to pick it up when I come up in May.

4:10 re-read it. There are parts I definitely like and parts I most definitely don't like. Oh well. I'll re-edit it in the morning. The ending most definitely needs work and I might thin out the introduction as well since it's supposed to grab the reader.

4:13 Send essay to myself via e-mail to print off in the library in the morning...and by in the morning I mean in five hours...probably less than that since I'll have to reformat everything. And I still need to come up with a witty title...

4:18 Bed time. Praise Allah.

Sometimes I just wish I could hook my soul up to another person so they could understand what I'm feeling. I suppose understand would be an incorrect term. Empathize and actually KNOW what I was feeling and thinking. I hate that I have to try and explain what I'm feeling to people. It would be so much easier if they just knew my feelings the way I do.

I feel so inarticulate at times. Mostly though, I'm afraid that people will misinterpret what I'm trying to express. Sometimes - actually, more often then I'd like to think - I think I use words that make sense in my heard but other people find difficult to understand or comprehend why they apply in the context that I put them.

This is my current frustration.

It seems like no matter how much I talk about something none of the advice I get on the subject is actually applicable.

Maybe I don't understand the situation well enough, which prohibits me from expressing it in a way that's understandable to anyone else. This is also a viable option.

Communication through Lyrics

I love this song. Most of you should know it, but if you don't, it's from the musical "Songs for a New World" and it's brilliant. I think it can be interpreted in so many different ways. I highlighted my favorite parts, but as I said, everyone I've talked to about this song has felt a different way about it.

Jenny's afraid of water
I mean, she swims so well, but still,
She's afraid of water
And so she won't go near the sea.



Not me.



Katie's afraid of darkness.

I mean, she sleeps and all, but still

She's afraid of darkness

So when the lights are out she has to hold my hand.



I don't understand.



I'm not afraid of anything,
Be it mountains, water, dragons, dark or sky.
I'm not afraid of anything
Tell me, where's the challenge if you never try?
So watch me fly



I'm not afraid.



Daddy's afraid of babies.

I mean, he got through me, but now

He's afraid of babies.

Guess he's scared of what they'll be



Not me.



And Mama's afraid of crying
You know, she tries to hold it in
But she's afraid of crying.
And she looks at me with tears stuck in her eyes



And I don't know why.



I'm not afraid of anything
Be it growing old or going out of style.
I'm not afraid of anything
Who would give up what they want without a trial?
Another mile.

I'm not afraid



And I hear the calling of adventure,
And I hear the ringing in my ears
The lights are glaring,
Trumpets blaring
I'm right here!
And I hear the calling of tomorrow,
And I feel the stirring in my bnes
And David loves me
...He's afraid to hold me...



Listen to the calling of excitement!
Can you feel it pounding in my heart?
The lights are ready,
Pulse is steady,
I can start!



Never stop the calling of the challenge
Blessings on the water and the stone
And David loves me
...He's afraid to tell me.
David loves me.
...He's afraid to trust me.
...He's afraid to hold me
And he'll always be.



He's afraid of me...



And I'm not afraid of anyone!
I am sure to win with anyone at all
I'm not afraid of anyone
Not a soul alive can get behind this wall.
So let them call,
And let them fall,
Cause after all
I'm not afraid...

Snapshot from my life; February 23, 4:03 p.m.

Random facts from my life at this precise moment:

1) I suddenly want to have babies. Where did THAT come from, you may ask? Honestly, I have no idea. But don't worry, I'm sure this will pass in an hour or two.

2) I'm moderately frustrated. There are 22+ servers at work and only 7 were scheduled to work tonight. I needed tonight off and of the 15+ servers who weren't working do you know how many said they could cover my shift, even for an hour while I had cleaning checks? That's right, a big fat ZERO!

3) I miss kids. Spending time with Stanley's cousins on Sunday was really really fun and it made me miss my cute little cousins and adorable nephew. Hmmm...maybe that's where the maternal feeling is coming from. However, I get to help baby-sit baby Bisbeth in a few weeks. I don't think I've ever been this excited to baby-sit before.

4) I'm oddly okay with going to work tonight. My schedules a little crazy and I guess I can't get too upset that people weren't overjoyed to help me out tonight and cover my shift since it's almost impossible for me to pick up anybody else's shifts. Once the schedule is out I sit down and plan my week down to the hour. I usually give myself one night or two to be social, and divy the rest of my few days off between homework and calling things, like meetings and organizating and just being places. Like this week, for instance. Between work, my calling, mid-terms, papers, and review sessions, I've had to schedule time for me to shower and make social calls.

5) I should hang out with Jenn and Nick more often. It seems silly that they live so close and I see them so rarely. Except now I think they like Stanley more than they like me and will only want me around when he's there. This happens to me a lot.

6) I have three midterms and a paper due within the next week. Next Wednesday is my celebration night. That is the day of my last mid-term and when my second paper is due for Poli-Sci.

7) We have two mid-terms in Poli-Sci. I got the grade back on the first one. 92%. I didn't even tell them it was my birthday either.

8) I got a pencil from the testing center on my birthday. Really. A pencil. It said "Happy Birthday, from the Testing Center."

9) I just discovered there's a music room in the testing center. This is amazing to me since I illegally sneak my i-pod in and listen to it the entire time, despite that being majorly against the rules. This way I won't be breaking any rules and risk the possibility of getting caught and failing my mid-terms. Now I just have to figure out where it is and how to qualify to take a test in there.

10) I'm going to celebrate the end of mid-terms by having a movie and curry night with Emily. I miss her and am greatly excited by our plans: three amazing things in one night: film, food, and friends :)

Toodles!

-Jillian

My brain is a solute and chemistry is most definitely NOT a solvent...

Can I just take a moment out of my life to state how much I dislike chemistry? Because I really do. I understand that it's part of our lives in a very pertinent daily way, but this doesn't mean I have to like it. I appreciate it. I understand that it's there. However, I do not really care about the moles of Chlorine found in magnesium chloride. Sorry. Call me a horrible person if you choose. I just don't care. My life will go on without this knowledge.

That being said, I am aware that a lot of my dislike for chemistry comes from my complete lack of aptitude for it. Chemistry and I? We just don't work.

That being said, for those who may not know, I have a boyfriend. He's very cute. And I like him a lot.

Not much else is new in my life. I had dinner at Jenn and Nick's on Monday and it was fun. I'm currently reading the New York times before I have to go and, yet again, subject myself to another chemistry lecture.

I have to say, I feel really bad for my professor. He's so passionate and excited about Chemistry and this class that he's teaching most definitely is not. It would be very frustrating to teach a class about something you find so wonderful and invigorating only to have your students zone out and not care at all about it.

I also find it funny how hypocritical I am sometimes. When people ask stupid questions about the midterm for Poli-Sci I totally judge them. One student raised his hand and asked what he had to memorize for the test. When the T.A.'s answered that you needed to have a comprehensive knowledge of lectures, readings, and critical terms you could tell the guy was upset that he actually had to take things from the class and possibly apply them using his own mental powers. I mocked him mentally because I don't understand how anyone could go to go a political science class and not find it at least a little interesting. Sure, our lecture on polling today was a little dry, but still, I would choose listening to that for hours on end than go to a chemistry lecture on molecular shapes. With chemistry lectures I can usually make it about half an hour before the old brain starts thinking of happier things, like dead puppies or poverty in third world countries.

...that was the use of over exaggeration to make a point. In case you couldn't tell.

That being said, I should probably pack up and head to class. I brought two cuties and some goldfish to munch on today, so hopefully I can actually stay awake and pay attention.

Seriously, this stuff is way over my head.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Attention, attention please!

This is an adendum to my previous post (see below.) I am not in love, nor do I plan on being that way any time soon. This blog isn't about one specific person - unless that person happens to be me. The men referred to include a large assortment that have entered my life in the past few years that I've been attracted to.

Thank you. Feel free to go about your day unconcerned.

-Jillian

I am in love with a boy manufactered to destroy...

Another beautiful lyric from Ingrid Michaelson.

I was talking to Stanley yesterday and we were rocking out to Kelly Clarkson (I love me some Kelly!) when the song "Beautiful Disaster" came on. I've always had a very strong affinity to that song. I remember, very distinctly, walking down the senior hallway at LHS, right by Mr. Jones's math classroom, just past the auditorium, singing that song to myself and thinking "This song is about me, that's the kind of person I'm going to be with." I then realized what I thought and quickly corrected my sub-conscious, saying I was going to have a beautiful normal life.

...Right?

I've always felt - though I've never fully known or verbally realized - that I'm not going to have a cookie cutter suburban life. I wasn't going to be swept off my feet by an RM who also happened to be an Eagle Scout, helped old ladies cross the street, was the Elders Quorum President, refused to watch R-rated movies, hadn't kissed any other girls, and had never sworn in his life. I was not going to marry a Peter Priesthood.

I also think there are people in life who are supposed to help everyone around them solve their issues.

I am one of those people.

I've been told multiple times that I'm good to talk to. And I feel I am. I'm good at listening and asking the questions that get to the root of the problem. I am then good at analyzing said problem and finding a solution. And more importantly, I like it. I like helping people and hearing their stories and figured out why they are what they are.

Maybe because of this I've always been drawn to guys who have issues. Now, I know we all have issues. We're human, and being humans raised by two humans in a society of humans is enough to give you issues without throwing in issues of pornography, divorce, abuse, etc. But there are some people who, when I get to hear their issues, see how strong they are despite the obstacles they've had in their lives - it just makes me care about them so deeply. Usually they haven't solved their problems, they're just covering them up, but especially in those cases, their potential is enormous. I think a lot of the time I'm put there to help them solve their problems so they can reach that possible potential.

I suppose that's what I mean when I say I'm attracted to men who are interesting. Once I figure them out, find their ticks and how they work, I become bored because there's nothing I can help them with. There's nothing new and exciting to keep my attention.

That being said, another plague that drives me insane is the people who don't really want their problems solved. They vent constantly about the issues and I offer good and proper advice to help them out, but they don't take it. That's frustrating. I do not find that attractive.

Anyway, here are the lyrics to the song "Beautiful Disaster."

He drowns in his dreams

An exquisite extreme, I know

He's as damned as he seems

And more heaven than a heart could hold

And if I try to svae him

My whole world could cave in

It just ain't right

It just ain't right

Oh and I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I coul hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster?

He's magic and myth

As strong as what I believe

A tragedy with

more damange than a soul should see

And do I try to change him?

So hard to blame him

Hold on tight

Hold on tight

I'm longing for love and the logical

But he's only happy hysterical

I'm waiting for some kind of miracle

Waited so long

So long...

He's soft to the touch

But frayed at the end he breaks

He's never enough

And still he's more than I can take

Oh, 'cause I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster?

He's beautiful...

Such a beautiful disaster...

Post: Friday

So I thought about uploading my polisci paper and having you all read it, but I think that would just be embarrassing. I described that paper so beautifully by saying "if I took a crap in my hand, and smeared it on paper, it would be about as good as that paper."

I think it's a good visual.

The paper probably wasn't THAT horrible. It just could have been better. I made some decisions that led to the procrastination of my writing said paper until 11:30 the night before it was due. Around 3 I started on the bibliography. However, I do not regret said decisions that caused the procrastination. They were worth it. :)

That being said, I'm putting off the second part of my chemistry test. It's not horrible though. I'm almost halfway done with it, and I know at least a fourth of the next part is pretty simple.

I'm excited for the next few days. Tomorrow's going to be pretty busy. I have classes all day, then work, then GIRLS NIGHT!!! I'm so excited!! It'll be fun to get us all together again. If Em comes it'll be the first time we've all been together since the beginning of October - far too long in my opinion. Then, the next morning, Stanley and I are going to breakfast and then playing around in Ikea before I have to work that evening. I can't wait! I haven't seen the kid since Monday night so it'll be fun. Even if I had seen him since Monday it would still be fun, but this makes the anticipation even greater.

Work is interesting. There are still times when I really miss downtown. The people, the managers, people who are actually willing to buy alcohol. Those were good times. But there are some fun people here too. Now that things are finally getting back to normal with Expo-Boy Sean, it's been kind of fun. I model walked down the expo line today and snarfed left-overs in the back with Kristi. I'm joking around with - and by that I mean mocking - the managers. I'm even beginning to think that Dan, Sam, and Aaron don't look exactly the same. Which is progress, let me tell you. However, I am still dreading working Friday and Saturday nights. They are NUTSO. For reals. Last time I worked a Saturday night I had a five table section and kept getting double sat. It was not fun. I seriously almost cried like, 3 times. Once was when I looked over and realized I had a table of 4, 6, and 2 that were all sat at the same time. So yeah, I'm a little apprehensive about work this weekend.

Honestly though, life is teaching me so much right now. I can't even begin to describe how or what, but I can feel it. I can sense it in my head and my heart. It's been interesting meeting up with friends new and old and seeing the changes that have taken place in myself during the past few years. I'm much more honest now. I'm open and will talk about anything. I ask questions I would have been too afraid to ask before. I still struggle to figure out what I'm feeling, but I try and articulate it as much as possible. I'm realizing the disparities between my actions and words and feelings.

Yay American politics!

Here's my question: Why is this a legitimate prompt?

Many scholars refer to the U.S. Constitution as a "living" document. Many Latter-Day Saint and othe religious leaders refer to the U.S. Constitution as the product of divine inspiration. Compare and contrast these points of view. Are they consistent with each other? In other words, is it possible to have an inspired document that is also living? If so, why? If not, why not?

I feel that the answer to this prompt is obvious and am therefore having a problem answering it in a scholarly way.

Of course it's possible to be a living document and be divinely inspired! That's what scriptures are, duh! What do you think the fulfillment of the Law of Moses is about? The 10 commandments didn't become completel obsolete just because Christ came. They're still there. They're still quoted quite often in church. We just have a higher law now, a new interpretation of this divine commandment, this divine set of laws.

To me, modern revelation is only different from modern constitutional interpretation in that we have direct divine intervention in our interpretations. We don't have that luck with the constitution. I don't know about you, but I haven't had a chance to talk to James Madison anytime in the recent past. Constitutional interpretation is the non-religious equivalent to modern revelation and modern interpretation of scripture.

Also, it seems pretty obvious to me that a document that allows itself to be interpreted through over 2 centuries of intense technological and global change had to have some bit of luck with it that's not of this world. The fact that it even passed and was adopted seems miraculous.

So yes, this prompt seems fairly cut and dry to me. Now if I can just figure out how to word it while citing certain documents and not just pull from my own knowledge.

Toodles!

-Jillian

What the world needs more of is bacon. Not like Francis Bacon, but like BACON bacon.

I would like to divert all of your attentions to a new artist I'm slowly falling in love with:

Mary Anne Marino.

We saw her perform live yesterday at the Orion Music Festival and I was very well-pleased. Her songs are catchy and lyrically and musically interesting at the same. She's from the singer-songwriter genre, and her sound is...what? Probably Indie/Folk. Maybe a little pop, but only a very little.

Which also reminds me, if you have not yet been turned onto Ingrid Michaelson you need to be. She's brilliant. Favorite song of the moment:

You and I.

Though there is a close second, discovered last night at the festival (You wish to go to the fest-ival? The festival? The FESTival? The KINGS festival?):

Let's Get Married.

The chorus goes as follows

Let's get married, let's have babies
Let's go on holiday and watch late night T.V.
Build a house on a hill, with a porch and a swing
Maybe a cat and a dog and a coupla other things.

It's pretty much brilliant.

I would like to apologize for my current ramblings. I'm a little tired right now, on account of staying up all night. It seemed pointless to go to sleep for two hours only to wake up and go to class. So I didn't. However, I think I might eat my leftover Mexican food and take a nap. Mmmmm...sounds so good!

Toodles!

-Jillian

I can only play with one person a week. This week is not your week. Next week isn't looking very promising either.

I'm going to start this blog with a journal entry I wrote today during the poli-sci class I didn't pay any attention to. It's okay, he just lectured about how to write the paper that's due in two weeks. He gave us a hand-out and proceeded to pretty much read the entire thing...except with slides to demonstrate. Whatever floats your boat sir. I enjoy your lectures on the constitution but you're a little OCD about papers. I get it, write in MLA and don't sound like an idiot.

Anyway, now to the excerpt:

So part of me feels this need to define my feelings for him, and our relationship as well.

But then I stop and think, no, I don't NEED to define anything and neither does he. We can just be. If we kiss then we kiss. If we talk then we talk. If we date other people then we date other people. I think we both realize we're compatible and attracted to each other at least a little bit. Possibly more than a little bit, depending on the day. But I don't think either one of us is wanting or willing to change the plans we've set in motion so we can stop and have a serious relationship. Which I love.

Getting too serious too soon is the most guaranteed way to kill something that could be educating, exciting, and wonderful. And I think labeling relationships puts restrictions on people that they may begin to resent eventually. If you're happy with someone you don't need to find someone else, and more importantly, you don't WANT to. Yes, you're always going to be attracted to other people. But when you're happy with someone, really, really happy, being attracted to someone else isn't incentive enough to leave that person you're so happy and contented with.

So there it is, my thoughts on relationships. I think it's pretty accurate.

And now for some anecdotes of my life. Critter's been coming over to do homework over here at nights, just because it's easier to do it here than at his place. Apparently he gets less distracted. And I usually feed him. But yesterday, he runs back to his house to grab his graphing calculator for me (stupid Chemistry...) and while he's out there he runs into Joe, our landlord. So they're talking and Joe goes "So, not that it matters much to me, but I've got to ask. Are you guys just friends or something else?"

So not only does our ward think we're dating, now our landlord thinks so too! Haha, of course Critter told him we were just friends, but it still makes me giggle.

Another funny story. With my new I-Pod I downloaded a program that, when I push a certain button, tells me what song is playing. It's a little ghetto and the woman's voice they choose is a little creepy. But the best part is, I've been listening to a lot of Regina Spektor lately, and today while I was printing off an Anthropology paper I kept accidentally hitting the button. But that's not the funny part. The funny part is she says Regina like RagIna. Which is funny, yes? Yes. So I'm laughing to myself the entire walk to the JFSB and all these happy BYU students look at me and smile thinking, "My, that girl is just so happy! I should be happy too!" Little do they know exactly what's making me happy. Baha.

Which brings me to my next funny story. So Stanley and I decided to go to the MOA yesterday (it was AWESOME by the way, in case anyone was wondering. I LOVE the museum here! They always have such interesting exhibits) and on the way there he was telling me this story he was feeling very emphatic about. So as he's talking his voice is getting louder and louder, and as we're walking across the parking lot, almost to the doors, he just projects quite loudly (it wasn't quite a yell) "I mean, what the HELL!?" And this old man, probably around 85 or 90 years old, who's walking slowly across the MOA sidewalk with the aide of some woman, probably his great-great-great-granddaughter, and his cane, turns and gives Stanley and I the dirtiest look you have ever seen. He seriously stops his movement, loosing all the momentum he'd gained in the past few steps, and turns halfway around so he can give us a crusty.

It was hilarious. We tried not to laugh until we were out of earshot and Stanley manages to stammer out "Oh...I forgot we're on the Y campus."

It was so funny. I wish everyone a moment like it at some point in their lives. It was beautiful.

Another funny point (I thought I was funny at least) came to me during PoliSci. Someone mentioned using scriptures to reference - which makes sense considering the prompt - but then I start to imagine how to cite a reference from scripture.

Father, Heavenly. Book of Mormon Inter Younger, Alma T. Trans Smith, J.. Golden plates; 200 B.C.

Now, I realize there is a very specific format for citing religious texts in MLA format, but I think this is funnier.

By the way, I'm thinking of cutting my hair like this (note picture above). What do you think?

Alright, I'm off to go to the gym with Danica and do some Arabic homework.

Toodles!

Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Scholarships

So I'm sitting in the BYU library listening to this girl talk on her cell phone to her mother, I think. It makes me really happy to know there are other people like me out there. She's talking about how she speaks German and how in the German music she listens to they swear a lot but no one understands it except for her. She then proceeded to tell a story about how her roommates listen to soft-core pop and pop/country hybrid music and how they get upset when they hear a swear word in their language but couldn't care less if it's in another language. Baha.

So...this whole going back to school thing is interesting. I find walking through the massive crowds of people aggravating but interesting. Aggravating because I see so many people who are more or less the same - seriously. I saw three girls walking by each other who had the exact same hair color and only styled moderately differently. The coats are all the same, the boots paired with skinny jeans are all the same. It's like BYU had a uniform people studied while buying their college wardrobe.

Apparently I didn't get this memo.

However, it's interesting because I can't help but see these people and try to picture who and what they are. Every single one. I receive immediate impressions about them from their dress, if they're listening to an I-pod or not, how their hair is styled, how fast they're walking, how they react to the people around them.

I do this without thinking. This may or may not make me a complete freak.

So I need to take some pictures of my new apartment so I can post them on here.

That being said, I had the COOLEST day yesterday...except I left my camera and home and couldn't chronicle it. Which was probably a good thing because by the end of skiing Stanley and I looked like hot messes - hold the hot. He actually looked fine. His faux-hawk was a little wilted, but other than that he looked normal. I, however, had half-curly half straight hair, bloodshot eyes and make-up that was only half on.

It was awesome.

However, I now have more music in my collection, including some old favorites that I absolutely missed and needed to have, plus some new stuff too (love Jon McLaughlin, love!).

Except now I can't climb or descend stairs without some intense pain. Holy crap. I haven't felt like such a baby in a long time. We were only skiing for like, 50 minutes when I had to stop. Lame.

I have about, oh, 5 hours of homework to do tonight. That's all I'm planning for this evening, that and laundry. I haven't done laundry in a few weeks and the time is most definitely ripe. I just have to go to my interview meeting thing with Juan and Macaroni Grill and from there I will be studious and amazing. And clean. That way I can wake up and go to Arabic tomorrow at 8.

Boo.

Toodles!

-Jillian

This last week or so has been a little hard. I'm not exactly sure why, except that Heavenly Father still has more to teach me before I move down to Provo.

First, the whole thing with the boy happened. That's still happening, I suppose. It's just every now and then I meet a person whose philosophies and ways of life are so different than mine I can't help but find them interesting and incredibly confusing at the same time. I'm like the stupid kid at the zoo who stands too close to the monkey cage. I learn a lot, but sometimes I get poo slung at me. Sometimes it misses and sometimes I get hit with it.

A lovely analogy, I know.

Also, I've just been having the hardest time motivating myself to work. Which is saying something, because this is one of jobs I've loved the most. And yet there are sometime when I show up and just think "I don't want to serve tables today. I don't want to interact with people, I don't want to balance a huge tray of water glasses, I don't want to put in special orders, I just don't want to." So I go through the motions and get cut as soon as I can.

Which makes me wonder: is it possible I'm just easily bored or do I just suck at sticking things out?

That question has bothered me for at least a year, but it hasn't been until the past few weeks that I've realized it affects me on different levels.

1) How often I've changed my major. Believe it or not, I do actually think things through before I change my major. I don't just pull the most recent major out of a hat and roll with it. And yet, the past few times I've changed my major, two months later I find myself bored and not feeling fulfilled by the major I've chosen.

This brings on the second problem 2) I don't have any goals in life. When I tell this to people they're like "well, get some goals." Not so simple. Again, I find these goals - to speak another language, to read a certain book, to travel and tour a certain part of the world, to achieve a certain degree, and again, in two months or so I don't want that goal anymore. I've moved onto something new and different, something new and shiny has distracted me from something I really wanted SO badly.

Part of it might be that in order to succeed in some of these goals it takes lots of time to figure out the fine details and to plan. But I usually can't focus and research enough to ever come up with a total plan, I get bored with research too easily.

It's so frustrating for me! I see so many people in their lives who are filled with passions and have accomplished things and know where they're going in life...and then there's me. And I know that if I could just stick with something for more than a few months I could accomplish it. It's just finding something and forcing myself to stick with it.

I can't help but wonder how much this actually has to do with me being ADHD or if I really just suck at life. It could be a little bit of both. Or, it could again be that Heavenly Father has a reason for me to be this sporadic.

The more I look at life and religion the more I see how important it is to have a one on one relationship with Heavenly Father. You can't rely on society or anyone else to blindly lead you into what you're purpose is in life. You have to take what you're told, what you're fed, what you're exposed to, and study and analyze it with the aid of Heavenly Father. Only then will you be able to truly do what you're supposed to, to live the principles that you need.

Most of the time this will probably clash with what society says for you to do - even a "good" Mormon society. Sometimes it's not right for you to have a child within the first few years of marriage. Sometimes it's not right for you to live the conventional "mormon" life, with a cute little family. This is right for some people, but I can guarantee that no family is the same. No family fits into the same perfect mold. Every family grows, stretches, has trials, learns, according to what Heavenly Father has planned for them. And that's what's important.

I'm an echo of the eternal cry: LET THERE BE!

Here I go, musing once more. I really feel this is for my own amusement and gain. So why am I posting this on the internet you may ask and not just writing it in a journal? Maybe because I secretly enjoy knowing someone might discover it and read the thoughts I'm wrestling with right now.

I realize I'm not the exception to the rules. Or at least, I feel like i should realize this. I realize that all the things the prophets have said and all the rules set forth by them are for me just as much as they are for the masses.

And yet...

And yet I keep finding myself doing stupid things that may or may not fall under the category of disobedience, all the while rationalizing that certain rules, while they apply to me, should be adapted to fit me personally, as I truly feel should be done with gospel principles. We're not all cookie cutters and therefore cookie-cutter principles need not apply.

However...

However, I think I'm taking this principle to an extreme, saying that obvious standards of the gospel don't apply to me whenever I choose for them not too. And because of this I feel like I'm mixing things that are good for me with things that are bad for me in the blurry middle ground.

Also, I'm finding I'm having a hard time differentiating my feelings. I can't tell whether feelings of guilt or excitement or happiness are coming from Heavenly Father guiding me or from social stigmas or from past experiences influencing my current feelings and perceptions.

Plus...

Plus I'm not feeling settled. I keep looking for some place where I'm comfortable, some middle ground where I don't feel pushed and pulled in one hundred different directions, a place I'm not looking forward to leaving. I love living in West Valley, but I'm excited to get back to school. Yet even then I can't help but think about how stifled I sometimes feel while I'm there and wondering if maybe, just maybe, I'm supposed to be somewhere else, doing something else. Or maybe this feeling is what I need to keep progressing in life.

To top it all off I feel myself becoming more and more dumb as time goes by. Seriously. It's like I can feel the knowledge from 14 years of schooling slowly seeping out of my ear. People I talk to seem so full of knowledge and facts about art and life and I'm like "well...I can tell you about the best wines to pair with the Chicken Speidini at Macaroni Grill!"

Yeah, not so impressive.

However, all things are going as planned. I will be back in Provo in 3 weeks, attending school full time. So who knows? Maybe this too shall pass.

Toodles!

-Jillian

God writes the Gospel not in the Bible alone, but also on the trees, and in the flowers and clouds and stars

I'm currently sitting on a LoveSac in the mansion, surrounded by people and their technology. There are six of us here, all of us are either on a computer or an I-Pod touch. Things like this always make me laugh, as we all sit here together in our own little worlds, not interacting or speaking to each other, though most of us are touching somehow.

That being said, it's been an interesting couple of days. At the beginning of the week I was not feeling the happiest, and it got worse as the week progressed. By Thursday I pretty much hated everyone and everything, but then suddenly, after I went horseback riding on Friday I felt much better. Then Saturday was blessed, I slept in, went to the park, went swimming, drank some cocoa. It was wonderful. Today I went to church, wrote in my journal, went into the park, climbed some rocks, had a potluck full of amazing food, had some good conversation, and now we're waiting to watch a movie. If we ever watch the movie.

I've been learning a lot about myself lately. I've always known what annoys me, but I didn't understand how or why things annoyed me. Lately though, I've begun to think about myself and why I get angry and it's been really helpful. It's helping me keep control of my temper much better.

Tonight I think I'm going to sleep out in the yard with Maggie, Liza, Jenny, and maybe Jessica. It should be fun.

However, I'm going to go. We're watching the movie now. :)

toodles!

-Jillian

Sometimes...

Sometimes little mercies from the Lord come in the oddest form. I'm having a bit of a rough day today, but I'm trying to keep things together while I'm at work, hawking dead animal skins. Suddenly I just know I need to listen to some Ben Folds. I go onto Pandora and click on one of my radio stations, hoping something akin to Ben Folds comes on and Fred Jones Part 2 comes on, which is probably one of the most cathartic of all of his songs, and it's the live version as well, which makes it infinitely better because it has the little pre-song conversation about Brick tagged onto the end of it. And that song right now just kind of represents my mood and how I feel.

Sometimes I feel completely superfluous and unwanted in my own life. I know this is false, that there are many people who want and appreciate me. There are just certain times when I don't feel it even though I know it.

Sometimes my mood swings are really intense. Nothing much more horrible than usual, I just think I'm noticing them more easily. Also, I'm spending my time with the same people which makes it more noticeable when I love them one moment and then an hour later I can't be in the same room with them without wanting to scream.

Sometimes I feel like I can conquer the world, memorizing dozens of languages and traveling for my entire life. Other times I wonder if I'm going to graduate with my undergrad by the time I'm 30.

Sometimes I don't notice patterns I find in myself. Like that I love hearts on clothing. I now own a scarf, shoes, a back-pack and and I used to have a sweater with multi-colored hearts on them.

Sometimes I can't help but think that if I had started saving for college my freshman year of high school that life would be easier. And I think I'm right.

Toodles.

Jillian