My brain is a solute and chemistry is most definitely NOT a solvent...

Can I just take a moment out of my life to state how much I dislike chemistry? Because I really do. I understand that it's part of our lives in a very pertinent daily way, but this doesn't mean I have to like it. I appreciate it. I understand that it's there. However, I do not really care about the moles of Chlorine found in magnesium chloride. Sorry. Call me a horrible person if you choose. I just don't care. My life will go on without this knowledge.

That being said, I am aware that a lot of my dislike for chemistry comes from my complete lack of aptitude for it. Chemistry and I? We just don't work.

That being said, for those who may not know, I have a boyfriend. He's very cute. And I like him a lot.

Not much else is new in my life. I had dinner at Jenn and Nick's on Monday and it was fun. I'm currently reading the New York times before I have to go and, yet again, subject myself to another chemistry lecture.

I have to say, I feel really bad for my professor. He's so passionate and excited about Chemistry and this class that he's teaching most definitely is not. It would be very frustrating to teach a class about something you find so wonderful and invigorating only to have your students zone out and not care at all about it.

I also find it funny how hypocritical I am sometimes. When people ask stupid questions about the midterm for Poli-Sci I totally judge them. One student raised his hand and asked what he had to memorize for the test. When the T.A.'s answered that you needed to have a comprehensive knowledge of lectures, readings, and critical terms you could tell the guy was upset that he actually had to take things from the class and possibly apply them using his own mental powers. I mocked him mentally because I don't understand how anyone could go to go a political science class and not find it at least a little interesting. Sure, our lecture on polling today was a little dry, but still, I would choose listening to that for hours on end than go to a chemistry lecture on molecular shapes. With chemistry lectures I can usually make it about half an hour before the old brain starts thinking of happier things, like dead puppies or poverty in third world countries.

...that was the use of over exaggeration to make a point. In case you couldn't tell.

That being said, I should probably pack up and head to class. I brought two cuties and some goldfish to munch on today, so hopefully I can actually stay awake and pay attention.

Seriously, this stuff is way over my head.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Attention, attention please!

This is an adendum to my previous post (see below.) I am not in love, nor do I plan on being that way any time soon. This blog isn't about one specific person - unless that person happens to be me. The men referred to include a large assortment that have entered my life in the past few years that I've been attracted to.

Thank you. Feel free to go about your day unconcerned.

-Jillian

I am in love with a boy manufactered to destroy...

Another beautiful lyric from Ingrid Michaelson.

I was talking to Stanley yesterday and we were rocking out to Kelly Clarkson (I love me some Kelly!) when the song "Beautiful Disaster" came on. I've always had a very strong affinity to that song. I remember, very distinctly, walking down the senior hallway at LHS, right by Mr. Jones's math classroom, just past the auditorium, singing that song to myself and thinking "This song is about me, that's the kind of person I'm going to be with." I then realized what I thought and quickly corrected my sub-conscious, saying I was going to have a beautiful normal life.

...Right?

I've always felt - though I've never fully known or verbally realized - that I'm not going to have a cookie cutter suburban life. I wasn't going to be swept off my feet by an RM who also happened to be an Eagle Scout, helped old ladies cross the street, was the Elders Quorum President, refused to watch R-rated movies, hadn't kissed any other girls, and had never sworn in his life. I was not going to marry a Peter Priesthood.

I also think there are people in life who are supposed to help everyone around them solve their issues.

I am one of those people.

I've been told multiple times that I'm good to talk to. And I feel I am. I'm good at listening and asking the questions that get to the root of the problem. I am then good at analyzing said problem and finding a solution. And more importantly, I like it. I like helping people and hearing their stories and figured out why they are what they are.

Maybe because of this I've always been drawn to guys who have issues. Now, I know we all have issues. We're human, and being humans raised by two humans in a society of humans is enough to give you issues without throwing in issues of pornography, divorce, abuse, etc. But there are some people who, when I get to hear their issues, see how strong they are despite the obstacles they've had in their lives - it just makes me care about them so deeply. Usually they haven't solved their problems, they're just covering them up, but especially in those cases, their potential is enormous. I think a lot of the time I'm put there to help them solve their problems so they can reach that possible potential.

I suppose that's what I mean when I say I'm attracted to men who are interesting. Once I figure them out, find their ticks and how they work, I become bored because there's nothing I can help them with. There's nothing new and exciting to keep my attention.

That being said, another plague that drives me insane is the people who don't really want their problems solved. They vent constantly about the issues and I offer good and proper advice to help them out, but they don't take it. That's frustrating. I do not find that attractive.

Anyway, here are the lyrics to the song "Beautiful Disaster."

He drowns in his dreams

An exquisite extreme, I know

He's as damned as he seems

And more heaven than a heart could hold

And if I try to svae him

My whole world could cave in

It just ain't right

It just ain't right

Oh and I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I coul hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster?

He's magic and myth

As strong as what I believe

A tragedy with

more damange than a soul should see

And do I try to change him?

So hard to blame him

Hold on tight

Hold on tight

I'm longing for love and the logical

But he's only happy hysterical

I'm waiting for some kind of miracle

Waited so long

So long...

He's soft to the touch

But frayed at the end he breaks

He's never enough

And still he's more than I can take

Oh, 'cause I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster?

He's beautiful...

Such a beautiful disaster...

Post: Friday

So I thought about uploading my polisci paper and having you all read it, but I think that would just be embarrassing. I described that paper so beautifully by saying "if I took a crap in my hand, and smeared it on paper, it would be about as good as that paper."

I think it's a good visual.

The paper probably wasn't THAT horrible. It just could have been better. I made some decisions that led to the procrastination of my writing said paper until 11:30 the night before it was due. Around 3 I started on the bibliography. However, I do not regret said decisions that caused the procrastination. They were worth it. :)

That being said, I'm putting off the second part of my chemistry test. It's not horrible though. I'm almost halfway done with it, and I know at least a fourth of the next part is pretty simple.

I'm excited for the next few days. Tomorrow's going to be pretty busy. I have classes all day, then work, then GIRLS NIGHT!!! I'm so excited!! It'll be fun to get us all together again. If Em comes it'll be the first time we've all been together since the beginning of October - far too long in my opinion. Then, the next morning, Stanley and I are going to breakfast and then playing around in Ikea before I have to work that evening. I can't wait! I haven't seen the kid since Monday night so it'll be fun. Even if I had seen him since Monday it would still be fun, but this makes the anticipation even greater.

Work is interesting. There are still times when I really miss downtown. The people, the managers, people who are actually willing to buy alcohol. Those were good times. But there are some fun people here too. Now that things are finally getting back to normal with Expo-Boy Sean, it's been kind of fun. I model walked down the expo line today and snarfed left-overs in the back with Kristi. I'm joking around with - and by that I mean mocking - the managers. I'm even beginning to think that Dan, Sam, and Aaron don't look exactly the same. Which is progress, let me tell you. However, I am still dreading working Friday and Saturday nights. They are NUTSO. For reals. Last time I worked a Saturday night I had a five table section and kept getting double sat. It was not fun. I seriously almost cried like, 3 times. Once was when I looked over and realized I had a table of 4, 6, and 2 that were all sat at the same time. So yeah, I'm a little apprehensive about work this weekend.

Honestly though, life is teaching me so much right now. I can't even begin to describe how or what, but I can feel it. I can sense it in my head and my heart. It's been interesting meeting up with friends new and old and seeing the changes that have taken place in myself during the past few years. I'm much more honest now. I'm open and will talk about anything. I ask questions I would have been too afraid to ask before. I still struggle to figure out what I'm feeling, but I try and articulate it as much as possible. I'm realizing the disparities between my actions and words and feelings.

Yay American politics!

Here's my question: Why is this a legitimate prompt?

Many scholars refer to the U.S. Constitution as a "living" document. Many Latter-Day Saint and othe religious leaders refer to the U.S. Constitution as the product of divine inspiration. Compare and contrast these points of view. Are they consistent with each other? In other words, is it possible to have an inspired document that is also living? If so, why? If not, why not?

I feel that the answer to this prompt is obvious and am therefore having a problem answering it in a scholarly way.

Of course it's possible to be a living document and be divinely inspired! That's what scriptures are, duh! What do you think the fulfillment of the Law of Moses is about? The 10 commandments didn't become completel obsolete just because Christ came. They're still there. They're still quoted quite often in church. We just have a higher law now, a new interpretation of this divine commandment, this divine set of laws.

To me, modern revelation is only different from modern constitutional interpretation in that we have direct divine intervention in our interpretations. We don't have that luck with the constitution. I don't know about you, but I haven't had a chance to talk to James Madison anytime in the recent past. Constitutional interpretation is the non-religious equivalent to modern revelation and modern interpretation of scripture.

Also, it seems pretty obvious to me that a document that allows itself to be interpreted through over 2 centuries of intense technological and global change had to have some bit of luck with it that's not of this world. The fact that it even passed and was adopted seems miraculous.

So yes, this prompt seems fairly cut and dry to me. Now if I can just figure out how to word it while citing certain documents and not just pull from my own knowledge.

Toodles!

-Jillian

What the world needs more of is bacon. Not like Francis Bacon, but like BACON bacon.

I would like to divert all of your attentions to a new artist I'm slowly falling in love with:

Mary Anne Marino.

We saw her perform live yesterday at the Orion Music Festival and I was very well-pleased. Her songs are catchy and lyrically and musically interesting at the same. She's from the singer-songwriter genre, and her sound is...what? Probably Indie/Folk. Maybe a little pop, but only a very little.

Which also reminds me, if you have not yet been turned onto Ingrid Michaelson you need to be. She's brilliant. Favorite song of the moment:

You and I.

Though there is a close second, discovered last night at the festival (You wish to go to the fest-ival? The festival? The FESTival? The KINGS festival?):

Let's Get Married.

The chorus goes as follows

Let's get married, let's have babies
Let's go on holiday and watch late night T.V.
Build a house on a hill, with a porch and a swing
Maybe a cat and a dog and a coupla other things.

It's pretty much brilliant.

I would like to apologize for my current ramblings. I'm a little tired right now, on account of staying up all night. It seemed pointless to go to sleep for two hours only to wake up and go to class. So I didn't. However, I think I might eat my leftover Mexican food and take a nap. Mmmmm...sounds so good!

Toodles!

-Jillian

I can only play with one person a week. This week is not your week. Next week isn't looking very promising either.

I'm going to start this blog with a journal entry I wrote today during the poli-sci class I didn't pay any attention to. It's okay, he just lectured about how to write the paper that's due in two weeks. He gave us a hand-out and proceeded to pretty much read the entire thing...except with slides to demonstrate. Whatever floats your boat sir. I enjoy your lectures on the constitution but you're a little OCD about papers. I get it, write in MLA and don't sound like an idiot.

Anyway, now to the excerpt:

So part of me feels this need to define my feelings for him, and our relationship as well.

But then I stop and think, no, I don't NEED to define anything and neither does he. We can just be. If we kiss then we kiss. If we talk then we talk. If we date other people then we date other people. I think we both realize we're compatible and attracted to each other at least a little bit. Possibly more than a little bit, depending on the day. But I don't think either one of us is wanting or willing to change the plans we've set in motion so we can stop and have a serious relationship. Which I love.

Getting too serious too soon is the most guaranteed way to kill something that could be educating, exciting, and wonderful. And I think labeling relationships puts restrictions on people that they may begin to resent eventually. If you're happy with someone you don't need to find someone else, and more importantly, you don't WANT to. Yes, you're always going to be attracted to other people. But when you're happy with someone, really, really happy, being attracted to someone else isn't incentive enough to leave that person you're so happy and contented with.

So there it is, my thoughts on relationships. I think it's pretty accurate.

And now for some anecdotes of my life. Critter's been coming over to do homework over here at nights, just because it's easier to do it here than at his place. Apparently he gets less distracted. And I usually feed him. But yesterday, he runs back to his house to grab his graphing calculator for me (stupid Chemistry...) and while he's out there he runs into Joe, our landlord. So they're talking and Joe goes "So, not that it matters much to me, but I've got to ask. Are you guys just friends or something else?"

So not only does our ward think we're dating, now our landlord thinks so too! Haha, of course Critter told him we were just friends, but it still makes me giggle.

Another funny story. With my new I-Pod I downloaded a program that, when I push a certain button, tells me what song is playing. It's a little ghetto and the woman's voice they choose is a little creepy. But the best part is, I've been listening to a lot of Regina Spektor lately, and today while I was printing off an Anthropology paper I kept accidentally hitting the button. But that's not the funny part. The funny part is she says Regina like RagIna. Which is funny, yes? Yes. So I'm laughing to myself the entire walk to the JFSB and all these happy BYU students look at me and smile thinking, "My, that girl is just so happy! I should be happy too!" Little do they know exactly what's making me happy. Baha.

Which brings me to my next funny story. So Stanley and I decided to go to the MOA yesterday (it was AWESOME by the way, in case anyone was wondering. I LOVE the museum here! They always have such interesting exhibits) and on the way there he was telling me this story he was feeling very emphatic about. So as he's talking his voice is getting louder and louder, and as we're walking across the parking lot, almost to the doors, he just projects quite loudly (it wasn't quite a yell) "I mean, what the HELL!?" And this old man, probably around 85 or 90 years old, who's walking slowly across the MOA sidewalk with the aide of some woman, probably his great-great-great-granddaughter, and his cane, turns and gives Stanley and I the dirtiest look you have ever seen. He seriously stops his movement, loosing all the momentum he'd gained in the past few steps, and turns halfway around so he can give us a crusty.

It was hilarious. We tried not to laugh until we were out of earshot and Stanley manages to stammer out "Oh...I forgot we're on the Y campus."

It was so funny. I wish everyone a moment like it at some point in their lives. It was beautiful.

Another funny point (I thought I was funny at least) came to me during PoliSci. Someone mentioned using scriptures to reference - which makes sense considering the prompt - but then I start to imagine how to cite a reference from scripture.

Father, Heavenly. Book of Mormon Inter Younger, Alma T. Trans Smith, J.. Golden plates; 200 B.C.

Now, I realize there is a very specific format for citing religious texts in MLA format, but I think this is funnier.

By the way, I'm thinking of cutting my hair like this (note picture above). What do you think?

Alright, I'm off to go to the gym with Danica and do some Arabic homework.

Toodles!

Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Scholarships

So I'm sitting in the BYU library listening to this girl talk on her cell phone to her mother, I think. It makes me really happy to know there are other people like me out there. She's talking about how she speaks German and how in the German music she listens to they swear a lot but no one understands it except for her. She then proceeded to tell a story about how her roommates listen to soft-core pop and pop/country hybrid music and how they get upset when they hear a swear word in their language but couldn't care less if it's in another language. Baha.

So...this whole going back to school thing is interesting. I find walking through the massive crowds of people aggravating but interesting. Aggravating because I see so many people who are more or less the same - seriously. I saw three girls walking by each other who had the exact same hair color and only styled moderately differently. The coats are all the same, the boots paired with skinny jeans are all the same. It's like BYU had a uniform people studied while buying their college wardrobe.

Apparently I didn't get this memo.

However, it's interesting because I can't help but see these people and try to picture who and what they are. Every single one. I receive immediate impressions about them from their dress, if they're listening to an I-pod or not, how their hair is styled, how fast they're walking, how they react to the people around them.

I do this without thinking. This may or may not make me a complete freak.

So I need to take some pictures of my new apartment so I can post them on here.

That being said, I had the COOLEST day yesterday...except I left my camera and home and couldn't chronicle it. Which was probably a good thing because by the end of skiing Stanley and I looked like hot messes - hold the hot. He actually looked fine. His faux-hawk was a little wilted, but other than that he looked normal. I, however, had half-curly half straight hair, bloodshot eyes and make-up that was only half on.

It was awesome.

However, I now have more music in my collection, including some old favorites that I absolutely missed and needed to have, plus some new stuff too (love Jon McLaughlin, love!).

Except now I can't climb or descend stairs without some intense pain. Holy crap. I haven't felt like such a baby in a long time. We were only skiing for like, 50 minutes when I had to stop. Lame.

I have about, oh, 5 hours of homework to do tonight. That's all I'm planning for this evening, that and laundry. I haven't done laundry in a few weeks and the time is most definitely ripe. I just have to go to my interview meeting thing with Juan and Macaroni Grill and from there I will be studious and amazing. And clean. That way I can wake up and go to Arabic tomorrow at 8.

Boo.

Toodles!

-Jillian

This last week or so has been a little hard. I'm not exactly sure why, except that Heavenly Father still has more to teach me before I move down to Provo.

First, the whole thing with the boy happened. That's still happening, I suppose. It's just every now and then I meet a person whose philosophies and ways of life are so different than mine I can't help but find them interesting and incredibly confusing at the same time. I'm like the stupid kid at the zoo who stands too close to the monkey cage. I learn a lot, but sometimes I get poo slung at me. Sometimes it misses and sometimes I get hit with it.

A lovely analogy, I know.

Also, I've just been having the hardest time motivating myself to work. Which is saying something, because this is one of jobs I've loved the most. And yet there are sometime when I show up and just think "I don't want to serve tables today. I don't want to interact with people, I don't want to balance a huge tray of water glasses, I don't want to put in special orders, I just don't want to." So I go through the motions and get cut as soon as I can.

Which makes me wonder: is it possible I'm just easily bored or do I just suck at sticking things out?

That question has bothered me for at least a year, but it hasn't been until the past few weeks that I've realized it affects me on different levels.

1) How often I've changed my major. Believe it or not, I do actually think things through before I change my major. I don't just pull the most recent major out of a hat and roll with it. And yet, the past few times I've changed my major, two months later I find myself bored and not feeling fulfilled by the major I've chosen.

This brings on the second problem 2) I don't have any goals in life. When I tell this to people they're like "well, get some goals." Not so simple. Again, I find these goals - to speak another language, to read a certain book, to travel and tour a certain part of the world, to achieve a certain degree, and again, in two months or so I don't want that goal anymore. I've moved onto something new and different, something new and shiny has distracted me from something I really wanted SO badly.

Part of it might be that in order to succeed in some of these goals it takes lots of time to figure out the fine details and to plan. But I usually can't focus and research enough to ever come up with a total plan, I get bored with research too easily.

It's so frustrating for me! I see so many people in their lives who are filled with passions and have accomplished things and know where they're going in life...and then there's me. And I know that if I could just stick with something for more than a few months I could accomplish it. It's just finding something and forcing myself to stick with it.

I can't help but wonder how much this actually has to do with me being ADHD or if I really just suck at life. It could be a little bit of both. Or, it could again be that Heavenly Father has a reason for me to be this sporadic.

The more I look at life and religion the more I see how important it is to have a one on one relationship with Heavenly Father. You can't rely on society or anyone else to blindly lead you into what you're purpose is in life. You have to take what you're told, what you're fed, what you're exposed to, and study and analyze it with the aid of Heavenly Father. Only then will you be able to truly do what you're supposed to, to live the principles that you need.

Most of the time this will probably clash with what society says for you to do - even a "good" Mormon society. Sometimes it's not right for you to have a child within the first few years of marriage. Sometimes it's not right for you to live the conventional "mormon" life, with a cute little family. This is right for some people, but I can guarantee that no family is the same. No family fits into the same perfect mold. Every family grows, stretches, has trials, learns, according to what Heavenly Father has planned for them. And that's what's important.

I'm an echo of the eternal cry: LET THERE BE!

Here I go, musing once more. I really feel this is for my own amusement and gain. So why am I posting this on the internet you may ask and not just writing it in a journal? Maybe because I secretly enjoy knowing someone might discover it and read the thoughts I'm wrestling with right now.

I realize I'm not the exception to the rules. Or at least, I feel like i should realize this. I realize that all the things the prophets have said and all the rules set forth by them are for me just as much as they are for the masses.

And yet...

And yet I keep finding myself doing stupid things that may or may not fall under the category of disobedience, all the while rationalizing that certain rules, while they apply to me, should be adapted to fit me personally, as I truly feel should be done with gospel principles. We're not all cookie cutters and therefore cookie-cutter principles need not apply.

However...

However, I think I'm taking this principle to an extreme, saying that obvious standards of the gospel don't apply to me whenever I choose for them not too. And because of this I feel like I'm mixing things that are good for me with things that are bad for me in the blurry middle ground.

Also, I'm finding I'm having a hard time differentiating my feelings. I can't tell whether feelings of guilt or excitement or happiness are coming from Heavenly Father guiding me or from social stigmas or from past experiences influencing my current feelings and perceptions.

Plus...

Plus I'm not feeling settled. I keep looking for some place where I'm comfortable, some middle ground where I don't feel pushed and pulled in one hundred different directions, a place I'm not looking forward to leaving. I love living in West Valley, but I'm excited to get back to school. Yet even then I can't help but think about how stifled I sometimes feel while I'm there and wondering if maybe, just maybe, I'm supposed to be somewhere else, doing something else. Or maybe this feeling is what I need to keep progressing in life.

To top it all off I feel myself becoming more and more dumb as time goes by. Seriously. It's like I can feel the knowledge from 14 years of schooling slowly seeping out of my ear. People I talk to seem so full of knowledge and facts about art and life and I'm like "well...I can tell you about the best wines to pair with the Chicken Speidini at Macaroni Grill!"

Yeah, not so impressive.

However, all things are going as planned. I will be back in Provo in 3 weeks, attending school full time. So who knows? Maybe this too shall pass.

Toodles!

-Jillian

God writes the Gospel not in the Bible alone, but also on the trees, and in the flowers and clouds and stars

I'm currently sitting on a LoveSac in the mansion, surrounded by people and their technology. There are six of us here, all of us are either on a computer or an I-Pod touch. Things like this always make me laugh, as we all sit here together in our own little worlds, not interacting or speaking to each other, though most of us are touching somehow.

That being said, it's been an interesting couple of days. At the beginning of the week I was not feeling the happiest, and it got worse as the week progressed. By Thursday I pretty much hated everyone and everything, but then suddenly, after I went horseback riding on Friday I felt much better. Then Saturday was blessed, I slept in, went to the park, went swimming, drank some cocoa. It was wonderful. Today I went to church, wrote in my journal, went into the park, climbed some rocks, had a potluck full of amazing food, had some good conversation, and now we're waiting to watch a movie. If we ever watch the movie.

I've been learning a lot about myself lately. I've always known what annoys me, but I didn't understand how or why things annoyed me. Lately though, I've begun to think about myself and why I get angry and it's been really helpful. It's helping me keep control of my temper much better.

Tonight I think I'm going to sleep out in the yard with Maggie, Liza, Jenny, and maybe Jessica. It should be fun.

However, I'm going to go. We're watching the movie now. :)

toodles!

-Jillian

Sometimes...

Sometimes little mercies from the Lord come in the oddest form. I'm having a bit of a rough day today, but I'm trying to keep things together while I'm at work, hawking dead animal skins. Suddenly I just know I need to listen to some Ben Folds. I go onto Pandora and click on one of my radio stations, hoping something akin to Ben Folds comes on and Fred Jones Part 2 comes on, which is probably one of the most cathartic of all of his songs, and it's the live version as well, which makes it infinitely better because it has the little pre-song conversation about Brick tagged onto the end of it. And that song right now just kind of represents my mood and how I feel.

Sometimes I feel completely superfluous and unwanted in my own life. I know this is false, that there are many people who want and appreciate me. There are just certain times when I don't feel it even though I know it.

Sometimes my mood swings are really intense. Nothing much more horrible than usual, I just think I'm noticing them more easily. Also, I'm spending my time with the same people which makes it more noticeable when I love them one moment and then an hour later I can't be in the same room with them without wanting to scream.

Sometimes I feel like I can conquer the world, memorizing dozens of languages and traveling for my entire life. Other times I wonder if I'm going to graduate with my undergrad by the time I'm 30.

Sometimes I don't notice patterns I find in myself. Like that I love hearts on clothing. I now own a scarf, shoes, a back-pack and and I used to have a sweater with multi-colored hearts on them.

Sometimes I can't help but think that if I had started saving for college my freshman year of high school that life would be easier. And I think I'm right.

Toodles.

Jillian

10 Secret Confessions

1) I really like to be called girl.  I don't know why, but when a guys calls me that it brings a little flourish of butterflies to my tummy, and I love it.

2) I don't like West Yellowstone.  In fact, I mildly loathe it.  I could never willingly bring myself to spend more than 4 months here, and that's only if 2 of those months are spent in a dark theatre, rehearsing with all the free soda and popcorn I can consume.

3) I have this odd feeling in the pit of my stomach that I've been fighting down for the past two weeks that I'm supposed to go back to school this year, and that I'm going to be making some changes, hanging out with different people, meeting more people.  It's been interesting talking to Critter the past few weeks and learning about all these people that I know of, but don't actually know.  It makes me want to get to know them, and everybody else, much better than I already do.

4) There's also this odd feeling I have that I'm going to be doing some intense, fast, but not necessarily painful growing up this next year, as a performer as well as a person.  It's kind of exciting.

5) I like talking to people, one on one, or at least in a small group.  It enables you to ask questions you wouldn't be able to otherwise.

6) I hate when people ditch out on plans.  If you were invited to do something and said you were going to do it, than do it.  I don't care if something more fun or more interesting comes up, once you've given your word stick to it.  

7) I'm really REALLY upset I'm missing Jillian's wedding.  Like, a lot.  It's kind of killing my soul a little.  She's still one of my best friends and I'm not going to be there to celebrate her making that life changing covenant.

8) It used to take a lot to annoy me.  Now I get bothered very easily.  Seriously.  I've never wanted to punch so many people in the face in my life.

9) There are only 4, maybe 5 people I think I'll miss when this summer ends; there's only one, maybe two that I'll have withdrawals from and go out of my way to keep in contact with and visit.  Which is weird for me.  And it's not a problem with this cast, not at all, they're all amazing people.  I just don't know most of them that well.  I don't think the opportunities have really arisen to genuinely care about them.  I suppose that's what happens when we all live on top of each other.  You take the others existence for granted.  

10) I really like doing Footloose now.  I used to hate it, but for some reason now I love it.  Though, as silly as this sounds, being onstage with Critter intimidates me sometimes.  I feel like he's judging me even though he never says anything.  Very few people affect me like that, and I hate it when they do.  It drives me batty.  

Toodles!

Jillian

I'm going back to Jackson!

I never realized what a tender spot Jackson held in my heart until this summer.  West isn't a bad place, I just don't know it as well and there's nowhere I can run for cheap milk.  

That being said, I'm going to tell you a little bit about why my life is awesome right now.  

1) I went out to the lake yesterday.  Twice.  The first time I went with Julia, Stacey, Critter, and Sam and it was amazing, just what I needed to pull me through this week.  We laid out on the docks, built sand-castles, and most importantly, destroyed said sand-castles in the style of Godzilla, while catching it on tape.  We were all there for about an hour and a half, but then they all headed back so they could get ready for the show and such.  I didn't have to be back for another hour so I stayed out on the dock, sunbathing, swimming, and talking on the phone to Fune, who I miss dearly.  After a few more dips in the lake I headed back and did a show.  Afterwards Jenny and I headed back to the lake and we went skinny dipping, a first for both of us.  It wasn't really skinny dipping.  More like skinny jumping into the lake and getting out as fast as possible because it's a little creepy to be alone in the woods at night.  But it was wonderful nonetheless.  

2) I'm going to Jackson this weekend to see friends.  I know for a fact I have to go to Billy's Burger and Bubba's, but the rest of the places are a toss up.  I need to spend a week there just to eat all the food I want!  PLUS I get to see Becca and Emily!  I love those girls so so so much!  They inspire me so much and always seem to keep my head on straight.  

3) Last Sunday was the Walker 4th of July extravaganza and it was brilliant.  I rode on a dirt-bike and a 4-wheeler and played some intense games of horseshoes and croquet.  And yes, I realize the last part of the sentence makes me sound like I'm 75 with blue hair, but it really was quite fun.  Also, during part of that extravaganza Jenny and I had to run to I.F. to buy some stuff and we stopped to jump into Rigby lake and spent the rest of the night looking like washed out bohemians.  

As of right now I'm chilling at the cowhide place, attempting to sell dead animal skins.  And yes, it is as glamourous as it sounds.  It's free YNP weekend so all the tourists who are here aren't looking to spend any money on anything if they can help it, let alone drop $250 for a cowhide.  Oh well, it gives me time to blog.

So the entire cast at the theatre is attempting not to get sick.  Two night ago there was a family of about 40 who came to Secret Garden.  They're all sharing a cabin up in Island Park, but apparently the sharing a cabin idea isn't such a hot one, as about half the family has the flu.  That's right, the flu.  At least 4 kids puked at the show Thursday night, but I've heard as many as 8 actually vomited on our carpet.  It was ridiculous.  All the women are wearing these long flowing dresses and as we're running on and off-stage we're busy jumping over piles of puke.  It was not a happy time for us.  The best part was at least two of the kids who threw up stayed for the entire show.  And we had to shake hands with them afterwards.  *shudders*

That's pretty much all I have to say right about now.  I'll probably post Tuesday or Wednesday with tales of amazingness from Jackson!

Toodles!

-Jillian

Cause I'm a Woman, W. O. M. A. N.

I have lots of thoughts running through my head right now, so I'm going to purge them onto the computer screen.  

I've discovered I'm happiest with good friends and good conversation.  I'm okay as long as I have one or the other, but for the most part they're best together.

Harry Potter was beautiful and it was a good time to watch it too.  It's been long enough since I read the book that I'm not completely aware of what they left out, but I know enough to fill in the gaps that were left by the script.

I've decided we all like Guys and Dolls the best because the characters we play are all people we'd love to be but can't.

Dad's by himself up here and I'm hoping he's okay.  I haven't heard from him for a day or so.

I love Critter.  It makes me so happy to have a guy friend where there's no attraction involved on either end and we can honestly just enjoy each others company.  He's like an older brother to me - except one that I have to kiss on occasion.  

I get to see Becca and Em this weekend!  I'm so excited!  The only thing that would make it better was if Mel and Danica and Jillian were there too!

Tonight's Footloose.  I'm actually excited to do it because so far the camp kids have never really seen me sing or anything and they know everyone else really well from workshops and such.  That and sometimes Footloose is actually fun to do.  We'll just see how it goes with me running on 5 hours of sleep doing a double.  

I'm at work right now.  I haven't sold a cowhide in days and it kind of drives me insane.  I really don't think it's anything I'm doing.

I ate so horribly yesterday.  I have 2 pastries for breakfast (thanks Frank!) a wrap, 2 chocolate/caramel dipped marshmallows, half a box of whoppers, some popcorn, half of box of gobbstoppers, cake, and rootbeer.   The wrap was most definitely the healthiest part of my day as sad as that is.  

Yesterday was Jenny's birthday.  I feel bad because I didn't know until Frank told me yesterday around 12.  Today's Hannah's birthday, which means we're going to eat more junk food.

I got new pre-show songs!  I just have to finish memorizing them and then I'll whip 'em out, probably on Friday so I'll perform them on Saturday.

I get to go to Jackson this weekend!  Assuming it's okay with Em of course.  I'm so excited for the eating to begin!  I'm thinking Norah's, Bubba's, Jedediah's, Sidewinders, and quite possibly Merry Piglets.  But there are only so many meals in a day, so we'll see how it goes.

Last night Jessica made a comment that Kelly feels sort out like she's not included in a lot of things, but I think we all feel that up here.  We're all selfishly minded to an extent and don't often think of others or how they're feeling.  It's something me and Jenny have been talking about for a while.  Whenever I do things fun I try to include other people in them.  Usually though I don't do things just because I don't think anyone would want to go along with it.

That being said, Jenny and I went swimming this weekend.  We were all down in Rigby for the Walker 4th of July extravaganza (which was great fun, by the way) and I needed to go to Wal-Mart.  But on the way to I.F. from rigby there's a lake on the side of the road.  So Jenny and I went swimming in our clothes and were forced to buy new ones.  But it's okay, because the dress and scarf I bought are adorable.

I hate how dry and cracked my hands are up here.  And I need to clip my nails.

I'm halfway through my shift at work right now.  Then I get to go home and shower, then head to the theatre and have the little chillin's audition for me and Dave for the variety show tomorrow.  

I put an eyeliner scar on my head last night and danced around with a wand.  It was awesome.

No one's come into the shop for the past half hour.  People have talked about it as they walked by but no one's walked in.  Pooh.  This is why I don't sell cowhide's.

Today is payday.  Maybe I'll make it a pit stop in Rexburg this weekend and deposit the check.  I doubt they even have a bank in Ashton.  

I'm hungry, but I'm trying to decide if I want to wait until I go back to the mansion and make a legit breakfast or if I want to eat my smushed Pop-Tart.

Julie has a crush on Critter but he just wants to be friends.  It kind of makes me sad.  He's just very picky about who he likes.

I think it's weird when people carry grudges from high school.

Toodles!

-Jillian

I wonder, sometimes, about the outcome of this still verdict-less life

So, I slept in today until 12.  It was beautiful.  Apparently some people came in and tried to wake me up for church but I was completely clueless.  Here's the deal, we did our first double shows yesterday, one at 6 and one at 8:30.  We had 15 minutes between shows to empty the theatre, reset ALL of our presets (of which I have like, 6) change costumes, reset the set, then fill the theatre again.  It was CRAZY/exhausting.  I was so tired by the time we finished I just came home and crashed on the lovesac around 1.  Mattie June and Seth woke me up around 2 and I moved into my bed, still wearing my full-stage make up and passed out until 7 or so, when Julia woke me up.  I hopped in the shower, fully planning on sleeping for another hour when I was finished showering then getting up, and going to church.  However, I started my period and after that, my body was SO exhausted that hour turned into five.  

Also, my voice is soooo tired from belting straight for the past 3 weeks, I put myself on vocal rest today, so I've not been talking hardly at all.  Right now I just took some cold medicine so I can go to bed at a decent time to start rehearsing Guys and Dolls tomorrow.  Plus, I'm still congested and I try not to take decongestant unless I truly need to so I can avoid drying out while I'm singing.  

But the cold medicine kicked in a few seconds ago...so I think I'm going to go to bed...cuz I need to...

Just one more day up in the canyon...

I’ve had many epiphanies in life. Some are more important than others. For instance, the epiphany that I didn’t actually want to pursue Musical Theatre for my livelihood and that I could indeed survive this life without ever marrying were more monumental than my epiphany that I like mangoes and not strawberries because I’m a texture person.

I’ve had an epiphany recently and I’m not sure where this falls on the importance spectrum. As I’ve been away from my family, I’ve come to think of my friends as a surrogate family, Provo and certain apartments in them as my home. I hang out with them as much as possible. They clean me up when they’re a mess, I take care of them when they’re sick, we laugh together, we cry together, we defend one another, and we love each other.

Friends are not for entertainment value. Oh, sure, there are some that you hang out with just for the fact they’re funny or crazy; they don’t know intimate details about you, you don’t know any about them. Those people are more like buddies, acquaintances that you use to take your mind of things. And sure, you may send them a funny text message every now and then, receive a random picture of an awkwardly placed calzone in return, but you still don’t know much about them. You’re emotionally detached.

Then there are those that you know a little about, enough to think of them whenever you just want a chill night at home watching a movie and making brownies. You hang out with them, joke with them, but you’d never stay up past midnight shooting the shit about politics, religion, or your past transgression or issues going on in your life. If those things came up it would be a joking matter, making fun of something or someone, making light of the monsters we’re dealing with. You can call each other up for an occasional favor, to get a ride someplace or to have someone to goof off with at the grocery store. However, they don’t know the deeper side of you.

That side is reserved for the close friends. They’re the ones that you find yourselves texting throughout the day, wondering how they’re doing and how they’re feeling. They don‘t respond with the “oh hey, I‘m fine” unless they really are. You know what’s going on in their lives because you make it your business to find out and they make it their business to tell you. You support each other, let each other know you’re cared for and important. You trust each other. You’re honest with them, but you don’t crush them, because you know them well enough to know where to draw the line. They’re the ones you can rely on to be there for you, whether it’s at four in the morning or four in the evening. They’ll answer your call or text unless they’re something that physically stops them from doing so, like being at work, in class, or helping out another friend. In that case, they’ll see what’s up as soon as they’re able. If it’s something like you were just bored they may not call you back right away, until they get their life settled (which you understand, of course, because you know the crap that’s going down in their lives as noted above) but if they really need you, you’ll be there for them, because you care about them. They may not know everything about them, but it's not because you're not willing to tell them. They just love you without having to know. You write them little notes, send them flowers on opening nights, make them birthday cakes as a surprise. This kind of friendship is irreplaceable in a persons life. They teach you about yourself, instruct you, help you to grow and develop traits that will be useful when you get married someday. These people are the ones who support you when you’ve got nothing left. They are the earthly angels Heavenly Father puts in our lives.

Then there are best friends. Best friends come along once in a rare while. Someone who - by sheer coincidence, sometimes appearing as a tender mercy of God - enters your life. They pass almost immediately through being a buddy and a friend, into the close friend stage. They include and exemplify everything that’s in that stage, and more. When you talk to them they know the perfect thing to say, they talk about themselves just the right amount and let you talk when you need to. They somehow ask the right questions to get you to think. They listen when you talk and honestly try their hardest to make your life better. They’re the kind who won’t leave you, especially not when you’re in need. You would never leave them either. To do so would cause physical and emotional pain to yourself and the other person. They support you in what you want in life, but know you well enough to tell you when they think you’re pursuing something that’s wrong for them. You build your schedule around theirs so you can accomplish everything you need to do while still taking every opportunity to see and be with them. To see them hurt makes you hurt, and you would do anything in the world if you could ever stop them from wanting to cry. They’d do all of this for you if they could. You never feel like a burden to them, because you know it would hurt them more if there was something bothering you that you didn't share with them.

I’ve had my fair share of all of these friends in my life, and am, at this point in time, lucky enough to be surrounded by an awesome group of close friends. I have an amazing best friend or two as well, but am also finding out that sometimes those you care for as a best friend sometimes don't return the feeling, which hurts. Best friends can be your same sex or different, as long as that connection is there. We’re told to marry our best friends and I definitely understand why. When you add physical attraction to a bond as close as this one, it becomes almost unbreakable (however, I would also like to note that I think if you start out with physical attraction it’s a lot harder to get to the bond found in a best friend relationship. But that’s another theory of mine entirely.)

The ability to love and care is something that sets us apart from most other creatures on this earth. You don’t often see a group of bats just hanging around, having a few laughs and talking about the deeper things of life. Our ability to create and love are what elevates us above other species - trust me, I learned that from my biology class. And while it hurts sometimes, I thank Heavenly Father for that capacity to love and be loved. These emotions that bog us down and make us feel foolish and do idiotic things at times are also what makes us close to Christ. Not only do they enable us to feel the spirit in our lives, they also allow us to feel a sliver of what Christ must feel for each of us. A love powerful enough to sacrifice ourselves for. To see the good and humanity in people and love and care for them despite their flaws and imperfections. When people say Christ is our best friend, it’s because he is. He’s always there when we need him and he loves us more than himself. We have access to that, and we should do our best to give that to other people. To be a friend, and love and teach. To support. We should never take friends for granted. We should never pass up a chance to say "hey beautiful, how's your day?" or "Dear face, I like you. Just so you know." When you think of calling them do it. When you're worried about them, let them know. No one ever despaired because they were too loved.

Friends are not for entertainment. They are for perfecting ourselves and drawing each other closer to Christ.

Our lips may touch, and our cheeks can brush. Our lips, may touch...here

The lyrics of this song are taken from a HelloGoodbye song that I love quite dearly. I was just listening to it in Chase's car while I was playing hookey for the first half hour work today and he skipped his anatomy class. And I just realized how irresponsible that sounded. But really, we were being responsible because we spent that time printing off head-shots and Chase was getting his membership at Gold's taken care of. So really, we were irresponsibly responsible. PLUS I also deposited my check, printed off my resumes (which I mildly lied on...oh well, it happens) and got my new I.D. card today, in between work and rehearsal. And then tonight Chase and I are going grocery shopping so I can get milk, a black t-shirt for my audition outfits, probably some zycam or other cold-preventing medicine, and some hair-dye (yay going brown!) and he can get food so he can stop living off the carrots and mashed potatoes I gave him. So really, it's been quite productive today. After that all I need to do is study for my Bio exam, which shouldn't be too hard. I just have to identify some ducks.

They're are so many other things to write. For instance, I just used my inhaler for the first time in probably a good 8 or 9 months. The polution in the valley has been ridiculous lately and I think I actually had an asthma attack last night while I was sleeping. I woke up this morning and all the muslces around my lungs, front and back were sore like they were after the asthma attacks I've had before. So now I'm sitting here at work feeling a little twitchy. I hate that side-effect of the inhaler. I'm going to be twitching now for a while.

But I'm sitting here with a massive headache as well as twitching. I've already taken three advil for it, but I'm thinking it may be possibly due to me not drinking enough water today. I'm used to drinking about three liters of water a day and recently I've probably been drinking about one. Not to mention I misplaced my multi-vitamins yesterday so my body's missing that right now.

In a different vein, I got a letter from Raage yesterday. It was funny because Chase was over (we were "working" on our modern dance critique) and earlier Kels had run in with the mail, and dropped it on the table telling me that there was mail for me. I figured I would just grab it later, but a little while later Chase got up to get something, probably a drink and was immediately attracted to the Dove Promises lying on the table. After he picked one up he looked at the mail on the table and was all "there's a letter for you." So I looked at him and lo and behold, it was the plain brown envelopes that Raage always sent his letters in. It made me happy. Except Chase got jokingly upset that I was paying more attention to a letter than to him because, as he put it, "He's not here and he can't make you warm!"

But I can happily report that Raage is doing well and it was really good to hear from him. He also sent pictures...though I just realized the only person who I have the capacity to show them to would be Jenn and Nick if they're interested. But he really is doing well.

So there's not much else for me to say. I have auditions Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and am gearing up for those as well as my Bio test tomorrow and my HEPE test on Thursday, that way I can focus on my auditions once they happen. Of course, after those I'm going to be rehearsing for MDT showcase, so really, all I have to do is make it through Valentines Day and my life slows down a whole lot, and it'll be so wonderful to actually have time to go to the gym again. Of course I say that now, but honestly, I don't think my life will be calm for too horribly long. It never is.

Toodles!

-Jillian

I like where you are when we drive in my car...

Here I am, at work once again. Why am I always at work when I blog, I hear you asking. Well, the answer is fairly simple. Since the people over at the Geek squad completely ruined my life by misdiagnosing my computer, I don't have one at my house that I have easy access to, so my computer usage is limited to the times I'm at work.

Which I suppose it probably one of the only reasons I keep this job. Computer access. :)

I had a reason for blogging today, I really did. I just can't remember it right now.

So I promised Ben Waite that I would write real letters to a bunch of missionaries...unfortunately I don't have any of their addresses. Which reminds me, Mama and/or Papa, if you read this, can you get me Ben Pettit's address and Josef Meilke's too? Ben was wanting them so we can both write them. It was fun to talk to him though, even though it was breaking mission rules to Facebook Chat with me. I rationalized it by saying we were cousins and therefore it was totally okay.

What has happened the past few days...not much. Saturday Brock, Cameron, and I had adventures in Wal-Mart. Really Cameron and I had adventures in Wal-Mart and Brock was just there for some of them. They included - but are not limited to - turning on all the valentines day toys in the aisle and running away, having a pillow fight in the throw pillow aisle, and being hit on by an old man in a motorized cart. It was great. Especially because it was all done to the background music of Kelly Clarkson, Katie Perry, and the Pussycat Dolls. It was pretty much hilarious. It was also perfect because that was the weekend Becca and Tami came down to watch the show and when Kai's farewell was, so we all got together for dinner before the show and it was wonderful. Also, Kai's farwell was amazing. Me, Mel, and Danica ended up going and we cried. True story.

So it looks like I'm auditioning for the Playhouse, the Playmill and the Pink Garter. Pretty much it's going to come down to how much I get paid. Part of me is leaning towards doing Playmill just because I'll be out of Jackson which will make it easier for me to focus on making money. Which is something I definitely need right now. Jackson just has too much for me to do and explore and I know the areas I love so would easily be drawn to go back there again. However, it also depends on how much they're willing to pay actors as well as what roles I get. I know what roles I fit/want/think I would get at all the places, but a lot happens during auditions. For all I know I might end up spending the summer in La Grande...which might drive me slighly insane. I'd have to find a full-time job to keep me from being too horribly idle or else I would go crazy, and not in a good way.

I don't know though, we'll see how things go.

Anyway, I'm off for now. I'm going attempt to memorize and break-down my monologues for this weekend before I go to Chess with Kirsten. In other news, I don't have anything to do tomorrow so I can spend the entire time catching up on HEPE and working on my audition stuff. It'll be good.

Toodles!

-Jillian

If I were a boy...

I love this song by Beyonce (aka Sasha Fierce...but don't even get me started on that.) I also love Jack Johnson, which is what I'm listenting to right now.

What have I done the past few days? Not much. I'm realizing though, that I enjoy living life at a little slower pace than I'm used to. For instance, I'm used to being busy and having to be somewhere pretty much every minute of every day. Lately, however, I've had free time in between classes or work schedules where I do things that I need to get done. It's kind of nice. I managed to pay two bills, turn in my FASFA, cook dinner, exercise, fill out a scholarship application, and look for monologues yesterday. Oh, and I climbed 11 flights of stairs. But that wasn't really in my free-time or by choice. It was out of necessity to get to classes and to my apartment.

However, I just took a test online and it told me I need to eat 1600 calories a day to lose 1 pound a week. HA! As of this moment in time I've eaten 805 calories for the day. Like I'll be able to make it to 1600 while still eating healthy food. I think not...

When did I write last? I don't know if I've written anytime this week. I've been writing in my journal lately, thanks to the inspiration and motivation of Chase Thomas. Monday night we watched Legally Blonde over at Brocks, and by "we" I mean Cameron, Brock, myself, and Chase. Then Tuesday I worked at Orville and Wilbur for the first time. It was actually really fund and reminded me of my old Bear Mt. days. OH! Random fact. I was in a mood on Tuesday and ended up tackling Chase in the RB lobby. Somehow or other it ended up with me wrapping my legs around his waist and my arm around his neck and he was on his hands and knees. He managed to stand up from that position with me still hanging off of his body. That's intense to do for anyone, let alone someone as small as him and someone as heavy as me (and don't worry, I'm not saying I'm fat, I'm actually a fairly healthy weight right now, but I'm still a heavy person and Chase is wiry) and then he picked me up over his shoulder. I ended up collapsing off because I didn't want to be in that position so I just released my ab muscles and since he's only slightly broad I just slid off his side. Then Wednesday I had classes and stuff and I learned I'd been rolling wrong. But I danced 3 hours, ran up 11 flights of stairs, and went running for a half hour.

My body really hurts right now.

Anyway, I'm about to get off work, so I'll be signing off.

Toodles!

-Jillian

We were both young when I first saw you...

I'm sitting at work, yet again, munching on Doritos. So yes, I am one of those annoying telemarketers that eat when they're on the phone. Though I'll have you know that I stop chewing when I'm actually talking to someone. I'm not that tacky.

So, as to pondering on relationships. I don't know how I feel about them exactly. I remember a time where the idea of being alone my entire life scared me. I hated the idea of not having someone with me, to call my own. Blame it on the fact that I was constantly surrounded by people growing up, but the idea of living in a house by myself and having to go to the grocery store by myself and not having anyone there when I come home at night scared me. I've come to terms with that fear now, and the idea of being alone isn't an enjoyable one, but it's not one that causes me to have nervous fits and not be able to sleep at night. I can even go to the store by myself now!

One of my friends and I have been talking a lot about our relationships with people, both romantic and otherwise. I've come to the realization that I'm the kind of person who deeply connects with a few people and keeps most other people at arms length. I also don't go out of my way to make those connections with people unless there's someone specifically who interests me.

I miss liking someone. It's a fact. Not that liking someone and not having them like you back or liking someone and having them like you back and realizing it might end up badly is a happy feeling. I just miss that tingle when you see them and the silly butterflies you feel and how they make you happy by just being there. I miss knowing there's someone who wants to be with you more than they want to be with anyone else.

That's the thing though. When I like someone I don't just like them and then if they don't show interest move on and find another person to fixiate on. I've never understood how people are like that. As I said, when I connect with someone it's deeply. Once I like someone it's usually a big commitment. If I were to let myself like someone, if I were to fall easily it would be a long time before I got over it. (Which begs an unrelated question. Do you think it's possible to have deep, meaningful relationships with many people at the same time? Does that mean that you're going to be neglecting people you're close to and care for in order to foster those meaningful relationships with other people? Or is it better to focus on being close with only a few people at a time and placing them at priority?)

So what do I do? Do I gussy myself up? Put myself out there for all the world to see? I don't know about that. As I said before, I'm very much the kind of person who goes through life and realize that I like someone I already know. Unfortunately, there's not really anyone like that around me right now. Maybe I need to hang out with non-gay men. That might be a step in the right direction, considering I only hang out with one straight guy right now, and he's out of the question for liking. Not that I couldn't like him. I suppose I could really like him if I wanted to. But I think that's the thing. I don't want to go out of my way to like someone, I just want to find someone who inspires that in me without having to try, someone who just is. I want someone I can talk with about various subjects, not just focusing on two or three. I want someone who stimulates me intellectually. Let's face it, I've liked some um, less than stellar looking guys in my life, so I obviously put a lot more weight on personality than looks.

But that still leaves me in the dillema of what to do about this longing I feel to care for someone, to have this overwhelming desire to make sure they're taken care of. But I can't just produce this feeling for someone, nor do I want to. So I suppose that means I'm stuck.

Maybe this is just an adverse reaction to the winter weather. Maybe I'll just get a hug, go tanning, and hope that it goes away.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Unnecessary blog

Apparently I have 169 posts. Wow...not bad for, what? Three years of work?

There's really not much for me to say, except I love my roommates. Seriously, living with Mel and Danica is a blast. Not that we get to see each other all that much, but when we do it's awesome!

I went over to Jenn and Nick's last night. Before I headed over there I wasn't so sure I wanted to go, on account of it being dark, me driving alone and not feeling all that well. But I'd promised them I would go, so drive the 40 minutes I did. And it was a lot of fun, and I think I really needed it. Though I'm still feeling a little off-kilter today, which I'm trying to remedy by being uber productive. Which, by the way, only really works when you're in the proper state of mind. So while I'm trying to be uber productive I think I'm coming off as being only mildly productive.

I've been thinking a lot about dating and stuff like that lately, probably on account of having a friend or two that's obsessed with it. I don't know, it's weird. In my life I've always had the mindset that you go about life, living it like you need it to be lived, and you find someone and it'll work out. It's weird to be around people who are actually pursuing relationships. I don't know if I like it. I'll have to think on that some more.

Anyway, I should probably get off as this isn't helping in my "being productive" plan. I need to go print off a headshot and fill out some information. Love to all!

Toodles!

-Jillian

It's the wet jeans and the chaffing...it's just not fun!

I am at work right now. This shouldn't be too horribly surprising since most of my blogs originate while I'm working because I'm so freaking bored! So I'm back in Provo, working at the call center as I type this. Probably not as you read it, HOPEFULLY since this job kind of drives me insane and I want to get a new one. I figure it's never good to want to spend as little time at your job as possible, especially when you make your own schedule.

So, onto the choice of my major. I've decided to audition for the MDT program, despite my refusals to ever participate in theatre again. I pretty much failed at that already, as I was not doing a show for two months and went insane so I auditioned at the Hale Center Theatre and was cast in their version of A Christmas Carol. That experience was amazing and it made me realize that I really do enjoy performing.

However, while I was in the bookstore today (that place is CRAZY at the beginning of semester!) I kept seeing all these amazing books. I was actually tempted to buy textbooks for classes I wasn't taking, just because they looked so cool! For instance, there was a book about U.S. history, and I really just wanted to take it and read it! And then there were instances when I saw books and was actually tempted to sign up for the classes they were required for.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. I was talking with Chase one night and he said something really interesting. He said that everyone had a reason for the major they picked. It wasn't just something random that they picked off a dart board and figured they'd base their life around it. This got me thinking about why I was refused the idea of being a theatre major and instead focused on an academic major. What I realized was that, while I was always a fairly intelligent person, it wasn't until around my junior or senior years of high school where I actually thought I was smart. More importantly, it wasn't until then that I felt other people thought of me as smart. In my mind and the minds of others, I was the choir girl, the girl who did theatre, with a strong voice and the ability to act. It wasn't until the past few weeks that I realized I'd picked history over theatre because I felt like I had something to prove to people and to myself. It was me saying to the world "Hey look, I'm smart and can do more than just sing and act. I can think for myself and am not one of those people that perform because they can't do anything else."

So, upon realizing this, I was able to come to terms with my performer phobia and accept that I do, indeed, enjoy performing. But then today, I was thinking about it. Yeah, I enjoy performing and I'm good at it, but am I willing to give up something I love to learn about for something I love to do? Am I willing to give up pursuing academia in order to perform for a few years, because, honestly, I can't see myself performing for all of my life. Really, I want to be a professor. Teaching theatre wouldn't bother me, but I would really love to teach History. So what do I do now? Well, for starters I audition for the MDT program since I've already geared myself up for it. I figure I'll take things from there and play it by ear. For all I know I won't make it and then will be a history major and the choice will be made up for me.

Well, I only have 20 minutes left of work now. Maybe I should blog more often while I'm working, since I got my first - and only - booking while I was typing this.

However, I still think I'm going to try and find another job. I really want to work in retail since I love dressing people and clothes in general. I think it comes from my obsession with beauty and appearance. Not that I'm obsessed with physical appearance, but I am obsessed and really appreciate things that are beautiful or interesting to the eye. Hence why I love photography too. I love seeing beauty and brilliance in everyday things and trying to capture it in an artistic way that does justice to what I'm capturing.

Anyway, I've got to go. I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, but if you do, cool! I hope you enjoy reading my ramblings as much as I enjoy typing them!

Toodles!

-Jillian

A query

I would like to use this specific blog to ask a question. I want everyone to weigh in on it, especially my family, using scripture, definitions, talks, their own feelings, any insights you might have.

What is the difference between blind faith and perfect faith?

One of my friends and I were discussing another individual today and this question came up. Perfect faith sounds to wonderful, but blind faith sounds horrible. Unfortunately, I can't figure out what separates the two.

"I wish we could sing Primary songs more often!" - Emily

So here I sit, backwards in a chair, wearing a tank top, two sports bras, basketball shorts and covered in sweat. I finally went running (I've noticed I tend to do this on Friday's, my day off) and it feels good...except that my asthma medicine hadn't had time to take effect so my lungs are sore and feel hallow. I'm still proud that I managed to do it though.

I'm waiting for Jillian (it's a different one, Jillian Mouritsen, but we've decided we're identical twins except we look nothing alike and we're not twins) to come down from sewing costumes and then we're going to head to the river to develop sun cancer. I'm quite excited. I miss being in the sun!

Last night was so much fun though! Our home teachers came over and it was a little awkward because Emily has a past with Jeff and Ami and Kai are still doing their thing and for a while there Kai didn't get along with Jillian. But it was good and Jeff gave a good thought. He ended up sticking around a while and Becca came home and Mel came over, so the 6 of us (becca, mel, me, emily, jeff, and ami; kai had gone home and Jillian was talking on the phone to Kimball) were just sitting around and someone said something that reminded us of a primary song. This led to us talking about how Becca and I randomly sang the hello song yesterday, which led to seeing how many Primary songs we could remember. It was actually really fun. We went through all the action songs, the "Once there was a Snowman" and "book of Mormon stories" but we also sang some of the nice ones, like "Families can be Together Forever." It was really cool. I think we ended up singing for over an hour.

But alas, Jillian is here and so we must fly away to be sun worshipers.

Toodles!

"The five-paragraph essay is overrated!" - Austin

So I'm beginning to realize that a lot of my quotes come from Austin recently, and I believe that mostly has to do with the fact that I'm spending a lot of my time around him. Half of this is from choice, the other half is because we work together and are required to spend two hours walking around town and singing two or three times a week, not including the time we spend at the theatre. He's an interesting person. I refer to him as the energizer bunny, because that kid just keeps going and going and going. Which isn't bad, in fact, it's nice sometimes. Yesterday he and I had a 45 minute or so long conversation about how we behave around other people when it comes to talking behind someones back and what is and is not acceptable to say to someones face. He made some interesting points I hadn't thought of before and I think he understood where I was coming from in a lot of situations. But then there are times when he'll go on about selling retail or how BYU's football team sucks and how the Utes are so much better. ...I don't really care about that. However, he is entertaining me right now by texting me knock-knock jokes so I don't die from boredom here at the kisok.

In other news, I met a couple from Union last night! They actually run a physical therapy clinic down by EOU. It was so nice to talk to people from home. I talked about the college and how La Grande was the real west and everything. It was super nice to have that familiararity.

Also, I've realized this summer that theatre is something I really don't like to do. Singing, yes. Performing, sort of. Theatre? Not so much. I just don't get a thrill out of doing it. No excitement, not tingling, so bated breath for the next chance I get to go onstage. I've actually come to dread night-time performances. I don't like them. There is not a show here that we're doing where I actually think "Oh goodie! Now I get to do this show!" And I can't see me feeling that way about a show, especially one that has a long run.

Speaking of runs, I really want to go running. Lately though, I haven't been going to sleep until three or so in the morning so the idea of waking up and going for a run before I head to work is not apealing to me, but usually by the time I get home after a show I'm either hanging out with someone or I'm tired and don't want to go running and get wired and not be able to fall asleep. So I'm thinking I'll go running Friday when I don't work and all I have to do is go rafting down the river. Thank heavens for days off!

Anything else going on? Not really. Jillian broke up with her boyfriend (yay!). Austin broke up with his girlfriend (boo!), and I'm trying to decide whether Luke or Ami has had more action this summer. Luke had his girlfriend (now ex-ed for a while), Jillian, Ami, and Becca. But Ami had Kai, Kelsey, and Luke. Of course, that's just all I know about. So I think Luke has had more, actually. I don't think I'll tell Jillian that.

Oh, and my stuffed animal, Dougie, has ended his relationship with Maxwell the Sheep. It was a long time coming. They were together for about 24 hours before Maxwell took up with a finger-puppet frog that Jillian had. Dougie has since turned straight and is now in the hunt for a female-dog who likes eccentric feminine male-dogs.

And I really have to pee, but I've got twenty more minutes here in this cursed Kiosk.

I've come to the realization I'm happy being single. I'm not the kind of person who can emotionally be involved in a fling but physically, I don't know if I could handle a serious relationship that lasts a long time. I think that's why I'm the way I am, how I have to be friends with a guy first. I have an odd feeling that once I do find myself in a relationship again it'll only last a while before we either break up or get married. Ew. Marriage. Ick-ah.

I've been listening to the same four songs on this stupid computer for the past hour and a half. I think I might shoot myself. No, because I look cute today and I would splatter blood all over my white shirt. I was planning on doing something tonight, I can't remember what, but I think I might just hang at home with the girls and chat it up. The three of us haven't been together and just talked for a really long time. At least not since Jillian's break-up. That needs to be done.

I went bum-tubbing last night with Danica, her sister Cassidy, Austin, and Aaron. It was a surprising amount of fun actually. We got there around midnight and headed home around 1:30. Danica and I had a running joke that we couldn't leave Cassidy alone with the boys. We have our reasons, of course. She's very cute and just out of High School.

That's all I can think of right now. Except that I have to pee of course. I wish we were doing Singin' tonight instead of Sheriff. I can get away with doing very little for Singin' but not with Sheriff, and my headache is coming back. I need to be inside away from the allergens...

Toodles!

-Jillian

"He is so fired." - Aaron Cole

More story time from the Pink Garter!

So, yesterday on street there was an, um, interesting happening.

We're doing what we do, singing and smiling and having a gay old time while toting the Pink Garter name as "The Singin' Cowboys" (and yes, I know I'm not a cowboy, I'm a girl, haven't heard that one before). We stop behind The Sweetwater Resteraunt and sing some "Cigareets and Whooskey" for them and a lady offers us a tip. Aaron turns it down, of course, and I give the lady a pamphlet and we keep walking. I hear Austin going off about something in the background, talking about the tip. I assume he's making a big deal about Aaron turning it down and I get a little annoyed. Number one he's supposed to be singing, number two he makes a big deal out of a lot of little things, and three I can't technically say anything to him about it because, even though I'm a street leader, he makes it into a bigger deal because he thinks I'm personally attacking him. Eventually we finish our song and I turn around and make some comment about it not being good that Aaron didn't accept the tip and I realize something interesting that I hadn't noticed before (because I was doing my job singing and only half listening to what Austin was talking about). Austin was giving Brannon a hard time because he'd grabbed the money from the lady after Aaron had turned it down.

There are two important things you have to realize about Brannon and Austin. 1) Austin likes picking fights with Brannon. 2) Brannon has a quick-fire temper and has a hard time managing anger. They've been in fights before, sometimes purposefully started by Austin, most of the time accidental. It's basically because Austin enjoys repeating himself quite a bit, which is nice because it means he's not being misunderstood, but it also tends to wear on you when you're having a fight with him. He won't drop it (unless it's me apparently, but that's a different story) which just tends to make the person he's fighting with angrier. Brannon just has a hard time admitting he's wrong.

So, what ends up happening is we finish singing and Austin's been making fun of Brannon for a while and suddenly Brannon says something and you can tell he's pissed. Everything gets tense. Austin keeps going though, saying it was stupid for Brannon to have taken the money. He doesn't mean this maliciously and he's not really looking for a fight, he's just stating his opinion...a lot.

Brannon just stops and says "Why don't you just come back here and say that to my face." Austin counters by stating that he was saying it to his face. A few more words were exchanged and Brannon pushes Austin.

Brannon's a big guy. Austin's a little guy. It was a silly thing and luckily it pretty much ended there. Somehow or other though, Brannon is still working at this theatre. It's kind of hypocritical really, when you think of all the crap he gave Jeremy when his altercation with Kai happened. He just walks away and apologizes, saying it won't happen again. Will it? I hope not. Knowing the two of them, it will. It's only a matter of time before it blows up again.

"I'm chubby and drive a mini-van. I just can't pull off that menace to society thing." - Me

So today I have a story. It is the story of Jillian getting pulled over twice in one week. I would like to preface this story by stating that I have never hit anything that was moving, or been in an accident and that it was my mother that taught me to drive.

I have been pulled over 7 times in my life. This has spanned 4 states and includes 4 different cars. Of the 7 times, 5 have been for speeding. In our company so far, 7 people have been pulled over this summer. The results from those have included arrests, and hundreds of dollars worth of tickets.

So last week, Thursday to be exact, I'm driving my friend Jillian down to Idaho Falls for a dermatologist appointment. It was early in the morning, around 8. We'd left a little late and I knew there was construction up ahead on the road, so I was pushing it a little bit, going 72, I think, in either a 65 or a 55 zone, I couldn't remember which. Well, it turned out it was a 55 zone. A cop flips his suburban (cops drive suburbans up here, no wussie impala's for them!) around, flips on his lights, and I get pulled over. Ami had been asleep in the back, her hair tousled from left over pin curls from Singin' in the Rain the night before, Jillian had shot-gun and while she had taken a shower, she had no make-up on and her hair was hanging limply around her shoulders. And I, the fearless driver of my sleepy comrades, was wearing no make-up with my hair rolled in pastel foam curlers. This is what the police officer sees when I roll down my window and give him my license. He asks where I'm going and I tell him the truth. He cracks a joke about my foam curlers and I laugh. He asks for my proof-of-insurance and registration. I knew I had them in the same place (a compartment under my stereo) but we couldn't seem to find it (the compartment and therefore the necessary papers) at that exact moment. The police officer laughs, makes another joke about my foam curlers, tells me he's going to run my license and to just keep looking for my other papers. Eventually we find the compartment, forcing it open, only to find my proof of insurance is outdated and I need a new one. This should have been enough to get me a ticket, but somehow I managed to get off with just a verbal warning (and yet another crack about my curlers) and we were on our way to Idaho Falls.

Needless to say people in the cast were a little upset that I got off so easy. But only a few know what happened last night.

I was driving over to the guys apartment at around 1:30 in the morning to pick up Jillian and to hang with their dog for a while. The strip in Jackson has a speed limit of 35, but I'm on auto-pilot and I find myself going about 50. I realize this and start slowing down, but it was too late. A suburban behind me starts flashing lights and I pull over obligingly. This time I've managed to un-stick my console and have all the necessary papers ready. I roll down the window and he asks where I was going to quickly. I tell him I'm on my way to pick up a friend at another friends house. He asks if I had just gotten out of the shower (I had and was, ironically, about to foam curl my hair.) I explain my proof-of-insurance is out of date and I just need my parents to send me the updated one. He looks at the old one, says he trusts me, then hands me back my insurance and registration and explains that he's not going to give me a ticket this time, but he did have to go run my license. I'm not going to lie, I was a little afraid that something would come up and say that I'd been pulled over twice in less than a week and he would change his mind about the ticket thing, but instead, he comes back up to my car, hands me my license and lets me know that I technically have to get my license plates changed. Like I'm really going to do that.

Either way, that's twice that I've been pulled over because of speeding in the past week. Austin says I get out of the tickets because I'm a girl, and I say, if so, good for me. Men may get traffic tickets, but we women have to go through childbirth. Anyone wanna trade?

-Jillian

"Shut the f*** up!" - Austin

So here I am. After a 6 month hiatus from my blog, I've recieved requests to start writing again. Okay, so not really requests, that makes it sound like people love reading what I write. What it really comes down to is I'm a horrible person to try and keep track of, so this way my family and friends can actually see what's going on in my life. So without further adieu, let's begin!

As most of you probably know, I'm working at the Pink Garter theatre in Jackson Wy. It's been an interesting experience. The shows are pretty solid and we're over halfway through our performances. To stop things from being too completely complicated, since I'll be dropping names and I'll want you to know who they are and my feelings about them, I'll give you a brief and honest run-down of the people in the 2008 company:

Boys:

Austin- Will Parker and Cosmo Brown. Also runs half the backstage-crew for Sheriff. He and I have personality problems. While I would like to sit and talk them through so we can get along, he would rather just apologize for them and pretend they didn't happen, which just leaves them idly by until something else happens that causes us to have another blow-up. These blow-ups usually have a few days between them and involve lots of sore feelings and more often than not, swearing. He's dramatic, rude, stubborn, prideful, likes to listen to himself talk more than others, insecure, analytical, critical of everyone, and hypocritical. Just like me. There are times when he can get genuinely nice and sweet, he's self-taught on piano and guitar and dances really well. I would like to be friends with him but there's only so much I can do.

Aaron- Ali Hakim, Ensemble, and Daniel Beau Jenny. He also understudies pretty much everyone. Part of the reason why I'm so hot on talking through problems with Austin is because last year, through a series of miscommunications, false-assumptions and a lot of jumped conclusions, Aaron and I didn't get along at all. We talked through it this year though and now he and I get along fine. What you see is what you get with Aaron. He's a sardonic dork who thrives on non-conformity and being as contrary as possible. He plays some amazing guitar and dances way too well for a man who has so little training. There are somedays when he amazes me with his insight, professionalism and kindness. Then there are others when he proves me right with his sarcastic laziness. The latter happen most frequently. He and I also have problems with the whole "aiming while kissing" thing.

Brannon- Jud Fry, R.F Simpson, and Richard. Talk about insecure. He's the first to find fault in everyone besides himself. At first I disliked him, but recently as he and I have interacted more, he's beginning to grow on me and I don't despise him so much. We joke and play around now. He's not the most amazing of actors, but I love his voice, even though it's fairly limited to it's classical training. The more I learn about the kid the more I like him. I just wish he could see what was good in himself and stop trying so hard to prove it all the time.

Luke- Curly McClain, "Ensemble", and Roscoe Dexter. He is called enigma for a reason. He and I probably interact the least of all the guys in the cast, though I hear more about him from my roommates than any other guy. He's the oldest member of the company, coming in at 27, I believe. He's quite knowledgeable about a lot of things and is more comfortable to sit in the background than to take a leading role. His exploits with the ladies cause more drama in my house than my clashes with Austin. Probably more to come on that later.

Kai- Andrew Carnes, Don Lockwood, tech crew. Oh, Mr. Blakesley. There's not much you can say to describe Kai, except maybe a reformed player (of basketball and other things) who could charm the husk of the corn. He and I are the only non-musical theatre majors in the company. He was studying Physical Therapy and is now hoping to serve a mission. Of the guys, he's the one I'm the closest too. He reminds me of Fune and though he is the hottest of the males I cannot muster any form of attraction for him. He can dance well, though he still has to control his mouth hanging open like a door when he does it. He doesn't like to hurt anyones feelings so, of course, he ends up hurting them even more. He's ripped like nobody's business and is obsessed with working out and being healthy. Because of this, he's also fairly shallow and judges a lot of things on appearances.

Scoot- The techie. We love Scoot. He's from Jersey, just barely baptized into the church a few months ago and you could say he's still trying to conform. He's got a bit of a temper on him, but he's good if you need a hug or just want to laze around for a while. He rides a scooter, which is probably the coolest thing ever. Also, his fingers never fully formed on his right hand, so he does everything with his nubs and his left hand, including rock climbing. He's a genuinely nice guy who gets snubbed by the girls all the time. It makes me a little sad.

T-Bone- Cord Elam. He was the emergency hire to fill in Oklahoma! after Jeremy left, and we are soooooo glad he's here! He brings a burst of positive energy to the otherwise negative and hateful atmosphere. Whenever we do Oklahoma! we (especially the girls) get incredibly excited because he know T-Bone will be there. He guides on the river during the day, plays at night. He's not an incredibly attractive man, but he's cuddly like a teddy bear. He redefines the definition of cool as he rocks out on his harmonica and plays chill guitar with his full beard and shaggy hair.

Those are pretty much all the definitions I can muster up right now. Give me another day or two...or possibly just tomorrow since I'm working at the box office again tomorrow, and I'll fill you in on all the girls in the company. And yes, I'm sitting here typing thi sall at work. But see, just like texting, I'm able to multi-task smiling, answering the phone, and typing at the same time.

And a gay couple totally just walked past me wearing Hollister. Take that surfer dudes.

I'm off the clock in about ten minutes. Now I'm left trying to decide what to do with the four hours of freedom before I have to report to do Singin' in the Rain tonight. I wonder what dramam will unfurl during this performance. Last performance Austin told me to shut the f*** up, which, instead of hurting me or making me actually shut up, just caused me to laugh at him. Also, Brannon freaked out on everyone for laughing offstage during the last scene. Apparently we were being disrespectful to Ami and Kai, though when I talked to Ami about it she had no idea what I was talking about as she could hear us at all. It made me laugh. Though in my defense, what Tami and I were laughing about was hysterical. I'm smiling now thinking of it.

Alright, I'm off. Toodles!

-Jillian

p.s. I've decided that every post will be titled with a quote that somehow relates to some of the happenings in my blog. ...this one is pretty obvious.

Long time no type!

Wow, so I haven't written on this for a very long time. Though, the reason why I'm typing is pretty selfish. I'm watching T.V. and I'm making comments to myself that I think are pretty funny, but no one else is here to appreciate me. So I'm going to talk to myself.

My life is so freaking boring right now. Sheriously. All I do is wake up, go to work, come home, run, veg, go to rehearsal. Okay, so that's not really all. I also go to a different job which mixes up my schedule a little. And sometimes I have dance rehearsals at different times. But pretty much it's work and rehearsals. Which gets really boring. I'm deprived of any intellectual simulation and it's horrible. I miss it so much! I mean, yeah, i have to alphabatize and everything but that's not really all that stimulationg, okay? I miss debating religion and politics. I miss breaking down languages to have them make more sense. I miss pondering on deep, philisophical subjects and stumbling on life-changing ideas. It just doesn't happen anymore. i am glad that I'm making money though. It's pretty important for that whole "paying for college" thing. Then I'll completley have my fill of eerything thought-provoking and philosphical. I guess I just have to keep focused on that. Oh well