Wow...way tired...

So I here I sit, at 12:45 at night...or in the morning rather, typing away on my little computer despite the fact that I am dead tired. Why is this, you might ask? It's because I honestly cannot fall asleep before 1 or 2 in the morning anymore. It drives me completely batty that Mikelle will be all cuddled in her comfy bed and as hard as I try, sleep won't come to me. Luckily enough though she can sleep through my typing, music, and night-lamp being on.

Honestly though, I'm tired of being a tween. It's a little awkward. It's my first time away from home, or at least my family, and it's been a weird experience. I know I don't have an easy personality to love. It's a fact I've come to accept. I'm over-exuberant about everything and often come off as obnoxious and annoying. When I feel threatened by someone or if I feel inferior I'll strike out at them and try and make them feel inferior as well; not by insulting them, because that would be mean and I'm really not a mean person by nature, but by not giving them compliments and never being impressed. There are many cases of this in my past and no doubt there will be a few more of these in my future. I'm also stubborn to a fault and take some things way too personally.

So what does this have to do with me being a tween and being tired of it? Because I understand these things now. I think of myself even a half a year ago and I realize how much I've grown up. It's so odd. Dallin told me that you learn a lot your freshman year of college, but you grow the most during your sophomore year. I hope it's true. People tell you to be yourself so often, but what happens when yourself is something you can't be? Or even worse, you don't LIKE being yourself? Isn't that an odd conundrum to find oneself in? I enjoy being accepted, but sometimes I look at others and wish I could be them. I don't know if these things will change as I get older. I hope so.

I just missed my friends so much today. Theatre people have a tendency to be judgemental, sometimes even catty. Probably because we have to analyze characters in plays so much that we feel we have the right and responsibility to do it in real life. I'm tired of listening to people talk about everyone else and knowing that somewhere, someone is talking about me that way. I'm tired of listening to how you can't stand this person but you pretend you do because you don't want to be rude. Ohmigosh. I'm very anti-rude. I tend to be rude a lot (mostly from habit, of course) but I still think being rude is well...rude. But I think it's more rude to spare someone's feelings and talk about them behind their back then it is to just shut up and learn to get along. Now, this isn't to say that I don't appreciate the soothing power of venting. But there's a difference between venting and trying to find allies in your war against another person. I love learning about other people. I love knowing what's going on in their lives and knowing why they are the way they are. I don't know why I expect people to just open up to be about their lives. Probably because it's happened a lot. But at the same time I would flinch if most people tried to dig into my past (and present) the way I want to dig into others. I have the hardest time trusting people and I tend to use different people for different things. This is probably due to a bad experience I had a year or so back, but honestly, how long does it take to get over something? Am I ever going to be able to fully let myself go and talk to someone again? Probably not. Again, fact of life. But is it a good thing to be so completely open to one person? I think not. At least, not one mortal person.

Which brings me to another point. I love religion. I love knowing what other people think and why they believe what they do. Am I a judgemental person? Sometimes. But not really. I think I like to observe things. But at the same time, I find it ironic how those who are often the first to throw the term "judgemental" or "close-minded" at someone are those that are the most judgemental themselves. I hate how people think that just because we don't all share the same believes means that the person who doesn't share yours is close-minded. No. Maybe they just know better or more than you. Don't break down others beliefs. Don't call others prudes just because they flinch at certain jokes or statements. That's who they are and how they've gotten along in life, just like how you are. So remember that wondeful moral compass of "judge not, lest ye be judged" before you roll your eyes and murmur about someone's standards. We're all different. Be respectful of that.

Now, this philosophy is like the imaginary saloon doors that hit Aaron in the butt every other night or so; they swing both ways, and quite violently too. If you're one of the flinchers, don't go around bad-mouthing those with bad-mouths. I mean honestly, how hypocritical can people get sometimes?

Quite possibly this is one of the problems that I've had with Utah, especially "Utah Mormons" (and I say that in quotations marks quite purposefully.) Now, this isn't to say that I don't have friends who are Mormon and from Utah. But when I refer to Utah Mormons I refer to a very specific breed that I think most people are aware of. They get so sucked up in the culture they almost lose the spirit of the message.

Through this past year I've come to realize that I need to find a balance between expectations and understanding. And this is what I've come to decide, though, obviously, I'm still working on perfecting it. You can be disapointed in people, but just because they failed in an expectation doesn't mean they're bad people and should be shunned like a non-believer (party foul, Charlie the Unicorn reference used horrifically). It's healthy to have expectations for people and for people to have expectations for you. But instead of automatically assuming the guy not going on a mission is a horrible person or that there's some moral defect in him, why not try to understand WHY he's not going? At the end of your discussion you may end up disapointed in his decision, but at least you understand it and can appreciate and love him as a real person and as a child of God.

Wow. It's been almost a full hour since I started this blog. I've been typing with almost no interruptions, aside from a few welcome texts from Raage. If I've managed to not offend anyone I'm glad, but a little disapointed. Sometimes I feel it's healthy to be offended if it sparks you into the action of changing to be a better person. Offence is good for the soul. As long as it ends positively. If that makes any sense whatsoever.

Maybe I'll change my plans about being a writer. I can't seem to say anything in a concise manner. Maybe I can get someone to pay me by the page.

Post! Yeah!

Ohmigosh. I'm really bored. Like, really bored. I mean, what is there to do in La Grande on a Friday night? Get drunk? Yeah, sorry, don't do that.

So this kind of mirrors how I'm feeling about La Grande right now. I feel like I'm supposed to be somewhere else. I remember looking out the window in Provo and just feeling happy. There were bright lights everywhere, you could hear people out laughing and playing around.

I guess I'm sort of jealous of that. Always having something to do and someone to do something with. It's not like I don't have friends here. I do. They're just busy a lot of the time..

I mean, I don't really blame them. There are a lot of times when people ask me to do stuff and I can't because I'm busy. You can't just drop your life for friends. I just wish there was a night or two when we could say "Let's all get together on this day and play." Cuz playing is fun. I just don't think I've done it enough recently.

I want to go ice-blocking. And watch crazy movies and make sarcastic comments about them while they're going on. Like "Strictly Ballroom." I wanna make popcorn balls with Jell-O and play overly-loud boardgames and dance around my living room.

I miss Beckah and Darcy being here. I was thinking about our Girls Night sleepover at the end of last year, the night after Baclaureate (sp? meh, I don't care) and I remembered how much fun it was and how much I miss those girls. We're all so different now, but when we get together, things are so much the same. We're a little older and more subduded, but we're still up laughing and talking until five in the morning. Now we just throw Jeff into the mix. :-)

Life is not horrible now, of course. It's actually quite fun. But there are still times when I look out the window and see La Grande and realize how much I want to go and experience more of life. I don't want to be here anymore. It's going to be an interesting (in a good way) experience to leave for this summer.

It's interesting though, while I was babysitting little Jacobson I had all these flashbacks to when I was younger and was so entertained by the tiniest of things. I mean, making piles of dirt, grabbing flowers, playing hide-and-seek, going down slides. Now, if you do that, people look at you like you're stupid.

Which brings me to another question: what's the big deal with being an adult? It seems like that's all I ever hear, grow up. I mean, what does being an adult mean, really? That you pay bills? Are stressed all the time? Have to work constantly? Aren't sporadic and random? Worried about the future to the point that you can't pay attention to the present? I don't want to be an adult right now. For all that's good and holy, I'm only 19! This is my last chance to be stupid and childish. Don't deprive me of that. I can be responsible when I want, and I want to be able to decide when that is. Let me make my own decisions. Let me make my own mistakes. I may ask you how to get out of them, but let me do it on my own. Believe it or not, I can do things on my own now. I'm not a complete idiot. Trust that I've listened and watched and learned.

Anyway, I'm going to go find something to do to entertain mysef tonight.

Toodles!

-Jillian

I'm tired. Like, really tired. Tired of a lot of things. Tired of school, tired expectations, tired of people, tired of not being able to take time to do things, tired of work. I'm tired of not being able to focus on the things I need to to become a better person. I feel like I'm moving side to side and spinning around instead of moving forward or backward.

I'm such a baby. My life isn't bad. It's quite good, actually, and I've had it really easy. I haven't lost anyone in my life. I've never had to intensly study to get good grades. I've never had to really try. If things didn't come all that easily I just didn't do them.

I guess I'm spoiled. I don't know. People called me spoiled and say that I've never had to work in my life and I get a little angry. Comparitively I haven't, not really. I've always been able to sing. Music's been easy. Theatre and acting came naturally. I was pretty smart.

But I'm tired of my sisters saying I never have to work. My family thinking I'm not trying hard enough. I'm working 15 hours a week, rehearsing for 10+, going to school for 17, doing homework for who knows how long. I have five shows this week, four next week, and three large finals coming up. I have choir class that I don't have enough time to pay attention to. I work. I just don't work hard on any one thing because there's always something else needing attention.

I think that's what bothers me. I don't get amazingly strong grades because I don't have enough time or energy to devote to it. I'm not the best worker at Bear Mt. because I have to ask for so many days off and leave early because of rehearsals or doctors appointments or classes. I'm not the best soprano in choir because I don't have time to sit down and play my parts through and figure it out. I'm not the best person in the show because I can't memorize a song and do my spanish homework at the same time.

I know these are excuses. I should be able to focus and devote myself 100% to whatever task I'm involved in at that time. I just don't know if I can. I'm not disciplined or mature enough. And I know that. I just can't figure out how to do it. Or maybe I just don't like the answer. I want to grow-up and become more organized and self-dependent but I'm afraid to do it. I don't want trials, but I know I need them.

It sucks. I don't like growing up. I don't like this limbo of not being grown up and not being immature. Or rather, being mature in some ways and immature in others. It's kind of uncomfortable. It makes me prickly in my own skin. I wonder if this'll ever stop, if I'll actually be mature enough for life. I hope so. Cuz it's not cool.

-Jillian

Happy Birthday to me!

So I should really be finishing up some Spanish homework right now, but I'm totally not feeling it. So I won't. I am feeling a cocoa though, unfortunately I don't have money and there's no one here I can guilt into buying a cocoa for me. So I'll live. :)

What do I have to say right now? Not much. This has been an interesting year. I'm looking at the things that have happened since my 18th birthday and hoo-doggy, it's been a real roller coaster. I'm glad it's happened though. I think I'm stronger today. Not necessarily any more stable, but stronger, less dependant on any one person. Yeah, I'm still dependant on people, but not on any one specifically. And that's a good feeling. Hopefully it'll last for a very long time. Though really, most of this stuff has happened over the past month, sort of like a ginormous onslaught of knowledge. I wish I could call it maturity, but I think I have a long way to go before I could be described as mature.

Anyway, my birthday has been good so far. I remember last year I thought my birthday sucked because the one person I wanted to get me something and acknowledge me on it didn't do anything. That and no one really did anything else either, but that's just a minor detail. Now, it's not that big of a deal. I love my friends and I know they love me, whether they wish me happy birthday or not...though I do like the wishing of happy birthday.

I guess I expect people to be like me a lot of the time. If I know something's wrong with someone, if one of my friends has had a bad day, I'll usually do something to make them feel better and let them know they're loved. Just because people don't do that to me doesn't mean I'm not loved. It just means people have busy lives, that maybe they're hurting too and I'm too focused on myself to notice.

I'm a fairly selfish individual, or so I've decided.

So I guess I am maturing. And this kind hurts a whole lot less than the kind I was doing before, so I think I'll stick with it for a while.

"Are you fumbling my football!?"

Sorry...I'm watching a Super Bowl review on T.V. and totally watched this guy have the ball literally slide through his fingers, and I couldn't help but quote from Remember the Titans. Good movie...

Hm...I think I'm going to avoid my Spanish again and work on this story that I started last night when I was only half-conscious.

Hope you're all having wonderful days!

A rant...sort of...

At this point, I want to quit almost everything. It's not that I'm feeling overwhelmed, really. I just want to be able to breathe once in a while. I was thinking about my schedule today and I realized I'm not going to have any time. I mean, yeah, I'll have an hour between two of my classes and about an hour and fifteen minutes between school and work, and maybe a half hour between work and rehearsal, and then another hour after rehearsal where I'll try and crunch in some homework. It doesn't stress me out too much, oddly enough, it's what I've been doing most of my life.

I guess I'm just tiring of it a little. I'm tired of - excuse the language, but it's the only way I've ever heard it put - half-assing it through life. I'm tired of doing what I need to do just so I can get by, because I don't have enough time or energy to do otherwise.

For instance, I really want to learn Spanish. Raage's been attempting to help me a little, but you can only do so much when you're 500 miles away and using messaging on Facebook. Anyway, I was planning on calling him last night, but some things happened and when I should've called him so he could clarify the word que for me, I was over at Tristans watching Heroes. I would've been like "hey Tristan, I've got to go" except that we had just barely set everything up and him and Aaron had used, like, a half hour or so of their time just so I could watch it. So I'm like "okay, I'll call him tomorrow." Except, well, I'll have you refer to my afore mentioned schedule for today to understand the problem with that.

And so it is with life. There are some things I'm completely fascinated by, but will never be able to do more than scratch the surface of because I don't have the time. The days slip by and I'm left with a lot of "oh, I'll do this tomorrow"s. I mean, like the whole exercise thing. I really want to start exercising, but there isn't enough time! Whenever I think I can do it between classes, I can't because I have to write a paper or read a chapter or two in a book or go sell stupid advertisements.

At this point, I would love nothing more than to quit my job, not go to Rexburg, not audition for scholarships, not worry about China and how I'm going to get another freakin' thousdand dollars in two weeks, and just focus on school and learning and growing closer to Heavenly Father. And maybe focus on myself and what I really want for a while. There are so many things going on during the day, I sometimes am afraid that I'm missing something that's important for me to know.

But I know I can't quit. I'm not a flake like that. When I say I'll do something and commit to it, I'm stuck. Including calling Raage tonight, or at least letting him know that I can't.

So I will continue on, skating through life, barely getting by in everything I'm doing. It's not so bad, I guess. It's gotten me this far, hasn't it?

The Weekend

So, I haven't seen my friends for like, two days and I'm having withdrawls. I'm not joking. I'm such a spazzoid! I'm missing my friends. I think I was missing Jeffrey about, six hours after I saw him last, though I blame that on him being gone and me not being able to see him. Anyhoo, I think I'll chalk this all up to...wow...I totally forgot what I was going to put there as an excuse for my odd obsessive clinginess. OH! Now I remember! I chalk it up to you guys being such cool people. Ha ha! I am brilliant!

I like my Spanish class...a lot. It's so much fun...and yes, I'm a weirdo. I've come to that realization actually. I'm quite weird; I enjoy choral music, speaking random spanish, having nonsensical conversation, laughing at stupidity, watching myself dance in the mirror, thinking in written form, and philosiphizing scripture and the deeper meaning of different things. But I pretty much like myself. Well, sometimes. But that's a completely different can of worms.

So, school's going well. Well, the week that I've had of it. My head is still above water, but let's see how that is in a few weeks, eh? I'm going to go haul butt and and sell advertisements tomorrow. Tomorrow's going to be hard core! I have to work, sell advertisements, move, study for math and spanish...I think that's it.

Man, I wish I knew more! Seriously! Like, all the stuff going on in the Middle East. Somalia for instance. Raage told me some of it's history, but I don't know enough about it to truly grasp the importance of what's going on there right now, so I'm relying on others for my opinions, which I don't want to do. But I can't seem to wrap my head around it - and I don't have enough time to try. Which is frustrating. I guess I'll just have to sit and wait until my life slows down enough that I can do some self-study.

I hate having to be patient.

Hm...I think this might be all I'm going to blog for now. It's a quarter til 11, and I think I'm getting up early so I might turn in. ...heh...I almost believed that myself for a second. I might actually go to bed and read scriptures for a while, until I fall asleep. Even though Jeffrey was supposed to call me and tell me if Jim and Pam hooked up. I really want to get on top of that. I mean, if they hooked up, where's the sexual tension going to come from? I love sexual tension, it makes the world interesting. I miss having it myself, actually.

Aaaaaanyway, It's 11 now, so I'm thinking I'll head up stairs and begin my sleepy routine. Goodnight all!

Toodles!

-Jillian

Psalm 13

How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and hear me, O LORD my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;

Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.

But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.

I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.

I love these scriptures. A friend of mine was having a really hard time on his mission, and he turned to these scriptures and I thought I'd share them with you, even though they don't necessarily reflect my mood right now. I just really like them.

Cheers

An interesting thing happened today. My Grandpa called my dad with the news that someone had died of cancer. I had no idea who this person was, though her name sounded vaguely familiar. It might have been Tammy Prince of Pam something-with-a-D, I'm not certain. All I know is that when my dad told my mom, they were both shocked by the fact that she had died - she was only a year younger than my dad, meaning she was two and a half years younger than my mom. I was equally as shocked, but for a completely different reason.

This woman that died three years ago was one of my dad's former girlfriends. She dumped him sometime during High School to date his best friend. The best friend and this girl later married and my dad moved on and found my mom - much to my joy and relief. But her youth or her relationshp with my father wasn't what shocked me - my dad and mom often talk about their former "significant others" which is why I recognized her name. What shocked me was that my dad remembered her.

He remembered her.

You will go through life, and 99% of the people you meet you won't remember in a few years. You will not remember most in a few months or weeks, possibly even days. But then there are those that touch you deeply, that you will remember twenty years after your last encounter with them. They are the girlfriends, the boy friends, the best friends, people who - when they leave or situations change - leave places in your heart that can never be filled exactly the same by any other person, not matter how special those people are. They are people who are irreplacable.

I still remember a true story someone told me once, about a woman who was best friends with a guy. They were as close and close can be, but something happened that caused them to get in a huge row and not talk again. The girl later married, and while she loved her husband and wouldn't trade him for anyone else, there were still some times when she felt the need for that best friend to be there, for his kind of comfort and advice.

And so it is whenever you get close to someone. You give a peice of yourself to them, and whether you realize it or not, you're never going to get that peice back. They will carry it with them forever, so until, twenty-five years down the road, you get a call telling that they died of cancer, and you realize what they were, their significance in your life, that a peice of you was still with them.

How many people have a given a peice of myself to? How many more will carry a little chunk of me around with them while they go collect others? How many peices do I have, possibly taken carelessly by someone who gave tenderly?

I'm not egotistical enough to think that I'm a memorable person. I know that three or four years down the road, most of the people in, say, choir won't remember a single thing about me, including my name. When I die, the world probably won't mourn, there won't be thousands at my funeral. But I do know that there will be friends from Ontario talking about my exploits in band, the Nielsens will talk about growing up in Lansing and playing tree-tag, my friends now will talk about how I always fell asleep during movies and had an obsession with cuddling. Who knows what else will be said by that 1% of people who will touch and shape my life, the people that I allowed close enough to take something memorable from my existence?

So, here's my oopah, to the best friends, the boyfriends, the enemies turned friend. You will be remembered. Cheers to you. May your lives be blessed.

-Jillian

Reflections on Life

Wow. I feel like I haven't blogged forever, when it's really only been about 5 days. I always go through life thinking "hm...I should blog these thoughts, feelings, and experiences" but then I forget what they are, or I just don't feel like blogging it when I can get a hold of a computer. It's like dipping your hand into a cool pool of water and feeling it trickle through your fingers. It's the feeling of having a grasp on brilliance and happiness and feeling it slide away.

I had some cool experiences today. If someone asked what I did today it would be simple: I went down to Ontario for a Dr.'s appointment. But man, it's such a cool feeling to be driving along, wrapped up in yourself, and to look out the window and say "wow...this world is a gorgeous place. Thank you Heavenly Fathe." But what's beautiful and awe inspiring enough between here and Ontario to startle me from a good book? Everything. The day is cold and wet and gray and - so most people would think - completely depressing. But right now I'm looking out the window in my bedroom and watching the townlights twinkle on as darkness settles while a thick storm cloud shrouds the white top of Mt. Emily, and I realize what a beautiful world I've been blessed to live in.

Contentment is an interesting feeling. It's not a feeling of overwhelming joy, it's not passion. It's not exhilerating or invigorating. It just is. Like me. I am.

Being is not a bad thing. In fact, I think it's probably a better mindset than the one I've been in lately. I've gotten myself into some destructive habits lately. I've become "addicted" to people and activities that I shouldn't be obsessed with. Not that I've picked up a cigarette or gone anywhere near beer. I was sent a cool quote through my e-mail the other day that started me thinking on what, exactly, could be constituted as an addiction.
"...Curiosityand peer pressure are selfish reasons to dabble with addictive substances.We should stop and consider the full consequences, not just to ourselves and our futures, but also to our loved ones..."

So I began thinking, what is an addictive substance? Automatically beer and cigarettes, pornography and gambling came to mind. But what about dating? What about flirting and kissing, and work, attention, the opposite sex, cuddling, friends, yourself? Can't all these things become addictions? Can't all of these become obsessions?

I once heard someone liken people unto a bicycle wheel; there are spokes for everything. You have your spoke for church, your spoke for friends, school, work, spirituality, etc. A perfectly balanced person has all the spokes even and balanced (note: if we weren't living in the world and didn't have to make a living to survive, the spokes wouldn't have to be even. Unfortunately, we do, so we're screwed) so that the wheel rolls smoothly. Problems come in life when one spoke because too long, leaving one or two other spokes coming up too short. This isn't to say that there aren't times in life when spokes shouldn't be uneven. For example, while on a mission or preparing for one, they should be uneven. But right now, they all need to be balanced.

I guess what I'm saying is that, right now, I'm sawing off certain spokes and trying to meld them onto others to achieve more balance. It's an interesting and hard and sometimes I think I'm messing everything up and I want to give up and stop trying. But I can't. I've had a few of those moments, but I guess I'm becoming stronger, because I'm feeling content. It's a shaky sort of contentment, one that can be jostled like the last brown leaf hanging onto a bare branch in a November storm, but I'm content. I'm content. Now, contentment is not a way of saying I'm giving up and not trying to improve anymore. No way. I have so much to improve on. I see some of my weaknesses now, and instead of feeling overwhelmed I feel inspired.

I want to be the best that I can. I know I need help from others - I'm a firm believer that Heavenly Father places certain people where they are so they can be instruments in his hands - but I know now that I can't rely on others for everything in my life.

I suppose I really am growing up. And you know what? It's not that bad.

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

-Ether 12:27

I'm going completely insane right now...;Jeffrey

I love coming back from night's with friends where my abs hurt from laughing so much. It's a great feeling that I plan on experiencing more often - like tomorrow night. That should be soon enough. :D

Anyway, there are a lot of thoughts flying through my head; it's sort of like a tossed salad in there. I've been observing and pondering life, and especially watching people a lot more lately. It's so weird to think that there are billions of us on this earth, and while we only come in contact with a fraction of them in our lifetime, we're only a few relationships away from every single person on this planet. And every single person has a story. I don't remember the first time I heard it. I think it was in Non-Fiction writing, but I know I'd thought of it before that.

We get so wrapped up in ourselves, our own problems. Half the time we don't even realize that others are crying out for us or that others care. If that "one person" we want to notice us doesn't, then we must be doing something wrong and no one notices us and we're not worth noticing. We never stop to think of the people who think of us as that "one person." or even the people who just appreciate you and love the fact that you're there. It's like that one saying "To the world you may be one person, but to one person, you may be the world."

Relationships are interesting things. What is a relationship exactly? Whenever you hear it, you usually assume that it means a romantic relationship, but it's not always. For instance, I can say "the relationship between me and Bob is completely platonic" and I'm obviously not referring to a romantic relationship. People say that money makes the world go 'round, and while that's true, I think relationships do as well.

I made the comment today that love is a horrible thing. And then somebody made a comment back to me that made so much sense that I wondered why I hadn't heard it before. He said "no, love is wonderful, it's people and the games they play that are horrible."

I play games. I'll admit it. But I don't want to anymore. I want to hug someone because I want to hug them, not because I want them to think I like them or because I know they won't think it's weird. I don't want to play games. I don't want to feel guilty or jealous watching people flirt. I don't want to feel territorial of my friends. I just want to feel...normal? Untwisted. Because that's how I feel when I play these games, twisted. There are so many good people out there who don't need any more issues. I don't want to hurt people (well, sometimes I do, but I shouldn't) or get hurt. I'm tired of trying to be anylitical and reading into what people say and don't say.

I think most of us have hit a...I don't want to call it a wall, but I can't figure out what I want to call it. How about a semi-permeable barrier? Whatever it is, we went through it without realizing the depth of what it meant to pass onto one side, probably without realizing we had passed through, and now we're stuck there. I guess this is what growing up is like.

I want to live for the moment again. I want to take someone to breakfast randomly. I want to be with people without feeling self-conscious. I want to rule the world. I want to find and be myself. I want to find the Savior. I want do to what Heavenly Father has planned for me.

-Jillian

A step in the dark...

I did something huge today. Most of you know what it is, so I won't go into detail (if you're completely clueless, I'll tell you if you ask nicely) but I'll admit, I'm scared.

I've always played at being independant. I'm the stubborn one who has a steady enough head on her shoulders not to take life too seriously, but not to be swept up in the stupidity of it. But really, I've never been independant. There were always people who I leaned on for all my advice. I never made a decision without others more or less making it for me. But now? I've cut myself off from that person. I've had to for the sake of my sanity, as well as theirs, most likely.

I feel like I'm starting off on a path, a journey that's going to take me somewhere important. I can almost see it in my mind. But I'm so scared to go on it. I've taken the first step - my leap of faith. The pathway isn't clear at all and faith has never been my strongest point. I'm so worried now that my crutch is gone. I want it back; I'm afraid to stand on my own. But I have to stay strong. Heavenly Father told me to let Raage go completely. Heavenly Father wants me to be happy and he wants me to live with Him again. If that means I have to go through hell with Christ being my only confidant, than so be it. I have to be strong now; it's time to step up and live my religion, not just watch it from the sidelines.

For Thou art my rock and my fortress; therefore for they names sake lead me, and guide me. Psalms 31:3

I hope I can take the leap of faith necessary to do what I need to. It's sad, it took me something said, verbatim, in two separate blessings - which the people giving the blessings didn't know as the one giving the blessing of comfort had never read my patriarchal blessing - for me to finally realize that I needed to change. I just pray that I can do it.

-Jillian

It sounds like we're having a lot of fun. And we are.

First things first! Tonight was amazing; more fun than I've had in a very very long time. I shall upload a few pictures, and explain why.

Yes, this is a puzzle that's actually a map of the world. It went with our "over the hill" theme...which I think only makes sense to us... But apparently, this puzzle was a royal pain in the tuckus. It took them about a half hour to put it together, and it fit funny, but when it was finished and all drawn over, it was awesome.

Alas, Steven didn't make it into the picture he's holding up - a gift we gave to Darcy as a welcome-hom present - but we figured he had to be included somehow, since he helped us decorate Darcy's room. What would we have done without him? He was the only one tall enough to stick the streamers to the ceiling!

Katelyn being cute. All of us decided this was as super adorable picture, so I put it on. :-D

I'm just such a good friend. I saw this great picture of Mollie and had to put it on so the plethora of attractive single males that read my blog would want to date my friend. I love the girl, what can I say?

Now, this right here was the fruit of our labors. We decorated Darcy's room with balloons and steamers and a banner and gifts and we made her a card. It was - to steal one of Darcy's words - Brilliant.

Katelyn tried to read "The Night Before Christmas" to us, but something happened during the reading that would only occur with choir nerds born and bred at La Grande High School. We burst into the song version and sang a good 3/4 of it with four part harmony while dancing around Darcy's living room.

The picture of us after our breaking and entering Shenanigans. Though technically nothing was broken. Darcy's parents left us a key. Note Steven's clueless expression. I assume it was done on purpose, but with Steven you never really know...;)

Okay, so here's what happened: Darcy finally came home from college. Now, for those that might not know us (I have no idea who that would be, creepy people reading some random blog...) our friends are amazing. It's true. I can officially say I have the coolest friends ever. They're there for me when I need them, and even when I don't need them and I just want them, they're there. I think a quote fits our group pretty durn well; "Happiness is singing together when day is through, and Happiness is those that sing with you."

Over the past two or three days, I've begun to appreciate my friends more. I mean, really appreciate them. Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I was focused almost completely on them and what we were doing. And the result was I laughed more than I have in four or five months.

Oh, and guys? I think I'm going to start a myspace so I can upload ALL the pictures and have you guys see them as well as possibly upload the videos, because who doesn't want to see Mollie and Isha dancing around as cheerleaders?

I have three regrets about tonight: that it ended, that it doesn't happen often enough, and that I didn't catch our singing "Twas the Night" on camera! Gosh darn realizing camera-worthy moments too late!

Toodles everyone!

-Jillian

Volare...

I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored! I sort of want to bake something, or go somewhere and do something embarrassing and take pictures with my camera. I like my camera. It makes me happy.

Unfortunately, most of the people I would do stuff with are busy. So I'm stuck with myself.

You know what, I don't need Raage. I DON'T NEED RAAGE!!!! That's right, you heard me! I DON'T NEED HIM!! I don't need someone that hurts and degrades me, someone who doesn't care enough about me even tell me the truth or keep me informed on his life. I have amazing friends that truly care about me and want me to be happy.

Man, I'm lucky. My friends and family are awesome. And you want to know something else? I don't need him to be a good person. I'm a better person without him, because I can actually be myself and not worry about worrying about someone else. I can make my own decisions now. I can go to college where I want to go to college, I can work at Playmill this summer, I can study whatever I want to, because Heavenly Father is finally coming first in my life. I'm going to do what he wants me to! No more Raage. He's not important anymore.

I feel so liberated. So free!

-Jillian

Ode to Tuesday

Oh Tuesday!
What joys you had for me
Nausea and cramping
Josh Groban for four blissful hours
Superman in the dark
Flirting at work
Blood and needles in my arm
Almost blacking out
The Cherry Orchard?
Oh Tuesday, sweet Tuesday
Avoiding homework
Hanging out with friends
Eating something that disagreed
Intense stomach cramping
huddling in the bathroom for fifteen minutes
Food poisoning?
Trying to figure out mysterious time signatures
Tuesday, juxtaposed Tuesday!
I will remember you always!

My obituary:
Jillian Wheeler died today. She was at work, diligently doing her duty of bringing pizzas out to hungry customers when she slipped. A large #2 minus onions and hot cheese, plus extra mozzarella on cornmeal crust flew into her face, burning and suffocating her with copious amounts of pizza sauce and melted cheese. All efforts to resuscitate the teen failed. The funeral will be held on Friday of this week at 5 o'clock. It will be a closed casket funeral as no one was quite able to peel all the pepperoni off of her face. She is survived by her friends and her family who are now happy that they don't have to pay the outrageously high auto insurance. But her dogs will miss her.

A semi-depressing blog...

Every girl wants to be special. I've said that what has to be at least one hundred times to different people. Every girl wants to be special to some person.

I think this goes doubly for me. To be normal, standard, everyday,"one-of-many" would kill me. I suppose that's why I'm jealous of people with more diverse backgrounds than I. There's nothing there that makes me stand out, I'm just a regular English/French/Russian Jew and I look it. I can sing pretty well. But I know that there are those better than I am. I can be funny and entertaining at times, but I'm nothing spectacular. Perfectly normal. Perfectly average.

He made me feel special. He made me feel like there was something about me that no one else had, something that...I don't know. Something that made me stand out. And I was happy knowing that somewhere, someone cared for me. Someone thought about me every now and then and wondered how I was doing. Someone wanted to talk to me more than they wanted to talk to any one else. I was special because they could tell me things they couldn't tell anyone else and they wanted to spend time with me and wanted to make me smile.

He was special. I could talk to him. There seemed to be nothing that we couldn't discuss, and we would talk for hours and the conversation wouldn't get old; religion, relationships, family, school, people, futures. He was special because I've never really had someone that could both tell when something was wrong with me and get me to talk about it in detail. He was special because he understood me. He had a smile that I couldn't help but smile along with. He made me want to be a better person; when he chastised me it only hurt my pride for a moment and then caused me to become motivated. He was special because he actually cared.

I guess I wasn't special enough.

It hurts a lot. It's bittersweet to hear him talk now - he talks about the people he talks to and how wonderful his life is. On one hand I'm happy he's happy; he deserves to be happy, he's an amazing person. But on the other it hurts realizing that I didn't do anything to affect his happiness when he was here. I think he told me he missed me once, in his very first e-mail, and then nothing. And I guess I feel pathetic becuase I still miss him, three and a half months after he left. There are still times when I want to go on a walk with him and just talk.

I feel like a burden to him, like I'm cramping his style. In my mind I imagine every time I call he looks at the caller ID and rolls his eyes, wondering why I'm calling him again. Or worse, that when I call he doesn't care either way. That to him I'm just another girl. Another one of his friends in La Grande that he might think about calling if he gets bored when he comes home. That there was nothing special about me in the first place.

I'm just normal, standard, everyday, "one-of-many". Average. Insignificant.

I think they should make Star Wars into a musical... I can see the rousing chorus numbers now...

So here I sit in my now normal spot in the Loso Lobby. It's one of the only places where I can get internet connection and still be warm.

On that note, it's become QUITE cold lately. But my hair hasn't frozen in the past few weeks. Though Jeff did say that it was colder in my apartment than it was outside.

So I don't know why I'm blogging. Probably because no one's blogged in like, a year (yes, I know I'm exaggerating...I do that a lot. I wrote on Raage's facebook wall yesterday and was all "because no one's written on here for a while" and it had only been about a day since someone had written on it) so I felt motivated to make someone excited when they check blogs and are all "ohmigosh! Jillian posted! Happiness!" Because I know me posting will bring everyone undefinable happiness. I just have that affect on people.

Man, I've been in the weirdest moods lately. Seriously, I'll be super happy and chipper for like, a week and then I'll crash for about four or five hours until something (or someone) snaps me out of it. I think it might be the medicine I'm on. When I heard about the depression that it's caused in some people I became sort of freaked out, especially when I considered the types of moods I'd been having for the past month or so. I mean, people have committed suicide while on these meds. But the worst effect I seem to be experiencing is my skin looking like I have exzyma or something. Or like I was burned with hot oil or acid. Maybe we should create a musical about my skin problem and call it "The Shadow of the Mackenzie". I'll be the creepy person with disgusting, irritated skin that skulks around the theatre. Ooh! And that's why random peices of fake snow still fall from the rafters even though that show finished two years ago!!!

Hm...I like it when I'm in these kinds of moods. I've missed being random like this. KATELYN'S COMING TO VISIT ME!! YAYAY!!!!

So, I think this'll be the end of my blog. Hope you all have wonderful days, and remember not to drink hot cocoa while lying down!

toodles!

-Jillian

Semi-personal confessions...

Sorry her lot who loves too well,
Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly.
Sad are the sighs that own the spell,
Sad are the eyes that speak too plainly

Sorry her lot who loves too well
Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly.

Heavy the sorrow that bows the head
When love is alive and hope is dead.
When love is alive and hope is dead.

Turn ons: Good smelling guys, chocolate, long talks about good things, guys who are actually good and chaste and don't just pretend to be, hugs from little children, the setting sun reflecting reds and golds off of clouds, breaking into dancing, being yourself and feeling completely comfortable, girls nights with good music and pulsing beats, getting a truly caring hug from a member of an opposites sex, dog piles with friends, pranking, getting compliments from someone who really means it especially from that one special person, knitting, being with friends that listen to you and don't think you're weird when you do random things, falling asleep on someone's chest and feeling them breath and hearing their heartbeat, how clean you feel when you just get out of the shower, going to church, Heavenly Father, being able to pray and knowing he won't be annoyed by your neediness.

Turn offs: Lying, dishonesty, people who say they'll do something then don't, being depressed, second-guessing myself, uncertainty, feeling jealous, wet socks, having people angry at me, being ditched, feeling ugly, waking up when it's dark, getting wet when my hair's straightened, the nagging sensation that I'm never thought of, being alone, wanting to call someone and being afraid to do it, being tempted, becoming lackadasical about anything, regretting my actions, people that smell like onion or B.O. or anything nasty, feeling unmotivated, having cold toes, feeling helpless, being anxious, feeling like I like someone more than they like me, self-righteous people, arrogance, realizing that I have more weaknesses that I can ever fix by myself, being dependant on others, sweat.

There you go. Some semi-personal confessions that you may or may not be understandable and surprising.

Toodles

-Jillian

Brittney Spears isn't a good performer, she's just a good stripper

Thank you Ginger Ranslam. Good times at Mac's.

So I'm at rehearsal right now. I got here over two hours ago so I could do some homework before the LDSSA meeting. That's basically been my life. Homework, school, rehearsal, somtimes work, an hour or so at a time between classes when I hang out at Mac's with some music/theatre people. Mostly though it's just rehearsal and homework. Though since I'm taking this class for credit, rehearsal can be considered homework. So basically life is homework and school.

I'm doing pretty well in my classes right now actually. I think I have mostly A's. I'm not so sure about my writing class. I know I've gotten all the points possible on our worksheets and such, but I also missed a 20 point assignment because I was down in Utah. That's a sore spot. But I got a 90% on our last essay. Everyone else around me said they recieved 78's, so I'm not sure if she's grading on a curve. If she were it would be sweet.

The play opens in a little over a week! FREAKY!!! I think I need to actually memorize my lyrics. That might be smart.

Man I want candy. Seriously. Major chocolate craving.

I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do tonight. I really want to go and see Isha, but I don't have the money to pay to go through the Haunted House. Besides, Mollie's at work and Jeff already went so I don't know how hot he's going to be on going again. I could probably stay home and do homework, but I sort of want to do something. Like eat chocolate.

Anyway, I'm going to go because I'm supposed to be going on soon. Talk to you guys later!

Toodles!

-Jillian

The Passenger Seat...

I roll the window down

and then begin to breathe in

the darkest country road

and the strong scent of evergreen

from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

then looking upwards

I strain my eyes and try

to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites

from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"do they collide?"

I ask and you smile.

with my feet on the dash

the world doesn't matter.

when you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride

when you need directions then I'll be the guide

for all time.

for all time.

Reflections on Love

"I love you" is a statement that can be expressed in so many varied ways. It amy be a stage song, repeated daily without any meaning, or a barely audible whisper, full of surrender. Sometimes it means I desire you or I want you sexually. It may mean: I hope you love me or I hope that I will be able to love you. Often it means: It may be that a love relationship can develop between us. Often it is a wish for emotional exchange: I want your admiration in exchange for mine, or I give my love in exchange for some passion, or I want to feel cozy and at home with you, or I admire some of your qualities. A declaration of love is mostly a request: I desire you, or I want you to gratify me, or I want your protection or I want to be intimate with you, or I want to exploit your loveliness.

Sometimes it is the need for security and tenderness, for parental treatment. It may mean: My self-love goes out to you. But it may also express submissiveness: Please take me as I am, or I feel guilty, I want, through you, to fix the mistakes I've made in human relationships. It may be self-sacrifice and masochistic wish for dependency.

However, it may also be a full affirmation of the other, taking the responsibility for mutual exchange of feelings. It may be a weak feeling of friendliness, it may be scarecly even a whispered expression of ecstasy. "I love you" - wish, desire, submission, conquest; it is never the word itself that tells the real meaning of the simple phrase.

I don't know why I found that so fascinating. Probably because it's referring to the many different interpretations of a so-commonly spoken phrase. What does love mean? I suppose to me it means the full-trusting and desire to be with someone. The feeling and idea that no matter what happens, you'll be able to get through it as long as the person you love is with you. That that person makes you happy, they complete you. I'm not saying the person is perfect, by any means. Just that they're perfect for you. It means "I trust you not to hurt me, I trust you with my mind, my heart, my everything." It's long-lasting.

Have I ever said "I love you" without meaning it? I thought I had, but looking back at what I think "I love you" means, I realize I haven't. Not really, when the person realized I meant it, and not just in the cutsey "I'm saying I love you because I'm asking you for a favor" way. You can love your brother, you can love your husband, and - most importantly - you should love Christ by fully trusting.

I suppose there is no official definition for love. Dictionary.com lists the number of defintions for the word love at 28, but I think there are as many as there are people on the earth. I don't think it can really be defined, only expressed.

The issues comes, I suppose when two people exchange "I love you." Can you ever really know what the other person means? I thought I did, but now I realize that definitions for love are about as different - and plentiful - as a person fingerprints. They are formed by life experiences, needs, desires, purposes in life, mental state, anything and everything.

To live is to love right? What does love mean to you? Do you agree with my analysis or not? Is love even a verb, or an adjective?

I would appreciate answers to those questions, but if you don't want to, just think twice before you say I love you next time. I think everyone needs to figure out what love is to them before they should use it. I know I'm more determined to use it accurately, and not just as an off-the-cuff conversation filler, or an automatic because someone says it to you.

After all, "What's not to love?!"

I hope you all have a wonderful night!

-Jillian

...i hate school...

Awe is not a world much used lately, - is this the Three Wise Men following the Star? - what hasn't been explained? Actually, I don't know what has been explained. If we are told, for example, that 99% of our genes are simliar to those of a mouse, does this explain anything? Apprehension, disillusion, disoreintation, selfishness, lust, irony, envy, greed, and even self-sacrifice are commonplace: but awe? Our society has forgotten about it.

That's from my Writing 121 Essay book, and I managed to find it while wading through an obnoxiously long, random, nonsensical essay. But I just want to point out how truthful it is. I think we all need to feel more awe. Just to pause and look at our lives and our bodies and the wonderful, beautiful world around us, and feel awe, awe and gratitude. Awe and gratitude that Heavenly Father has given us all that he has.

The song the seems to reflect my life.; emotions suck, but thank heavens for Imogen Heap!!

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, cus you and I were never meant to be
I think you'd better leave; it's not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.
Alright then
I can keep your number for a rainy day,
That's when its set, no mistakes no misbehaving,
I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this,
Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you're as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh now don't make it harder than it already is,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this,
Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Big trouble loosing control,
Primary resistance at a critical load,
On the double gotta get a hold,
Point of no return a second to go,
No response on any level, red alert this vessels under siege,
To a lower lever, systems failed, they've got control,
There's no way out, we are surrounded,
Give in, Give in.....
Freeze, awake here forever,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this,
Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, it's just what I don't need,
Why make me feel like this, it's definitely all your fault. Feel like this
It's all your fault

Feel like this
It's all your fault
Feel like this
It's all your fault
Feel like this
It's all your fault

Viva la Flamingo

And that my friends, is the new motto of life. I'm not sure what it means, but it makes me ridiculously happy. :-D See?

Anyway. So I'm sitting in a house in Woodinville right now. In case you don't know, that's about 15 minutes outside of Seattle. I wouldn't have known. I didn't even know how to pronounce it, I've been out of school too long.

So, our American Idol adventure so far. Basically it involves a broken muffler, 5.5 hours driving, good stories and quotes (like the one as my title), a dark foreboding highway that's covered in rain, lots of laxative-like snacks, sleep-deprivation, standing in line and listening to some horrible people sing, and some salmon. The salmon's the coolest part. I'd never had salmon until tonight, and boy, is it yummy. Sharon - the mother of the family we're staying with - cooked it with really yummy spices and brown sugar. Oh, it was good.

But Jeff's muffler broke. Like, clean off the piping. It's sad really. But we're going to try and get it fixed tomorrow. We don't even know how it happened. The guy at Shucks said it looked like somebody just sliced it from the piping.

But dude, I'm tired. So I think I'm going to call it a night and hit the sack. Tomorrow we've got a full day of sight-seeing! WOOHOO!!! I'm really psyched actually. This is my first trip to Seattle, and I'm going to make the best of it - even if me and Jeff get lost somewhere. That's what cell phones are for, right?

Toodles!

-Jillian

A wonderful reality

So I know I posted yesterday, and most of you probably haven't even read it yet, but I have to tell about a cool experiance I had today in the EOU library.

I walked in there and the buzz and static of the computers and people in there was everywhere, plus the sound of the air conditioner and everything. So I finish looking up the numbers for the book I want and start heading down the aisle. I'm going as fast as I can because I'm in 15 minute parking and I really don't want to get a ticket. I start down one of the rows of books on the main floor, just looking at the numbers as I go, when suddenly I stop. It's completely silent. The bookshelves are towering heavily, weighted down with knowledge that others have deemed important enough to pass on, almost everything a person could want to know, all within the reach of my fingertips. All I'd have to do is pull it off the shelf and curl up in a ball by the bookshelf. I would be in my own world. No sound, no computers, no air conditioning noise, no one besides me and the author's knowledge. It was like I was in a completely different world. I was no longer in the Pierce Library in La Grande, Oregon. I was a thousand miles away, learning aything I wanted to know.

I like the library. I want to go back sometime.

Hey there Deliliah

What's it like in New York City?

I'm a thousand miles away,

but girl tonight you looks so pretty

Oh yes you do

Time Square can't shine as bright as you.

I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah

Don't you worry about the distance

I'm right there if you get lonely,

give this song another listen.

Close your eyes,

listen to my voice,

it's my disguise.

I'm by your side

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

what you do to me

He there Delilah

I know times are getting hard,

but just believe me girl

someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar.

We'll have it good.

We'll have the life we knew we would.

My word is good

Hey there Delilah

I've got so much left to say.

If every simple song I wrote to you

would take your breath away

I'd write it all,

even more in love with me you'd fall.

We'd have it all

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far,

but they've got planes and trains and cars

I'd walk to you if I had no other way.

Our friends would all make fun of us

and we'll just laugh along because

we know that none of them have ever felt this way.

Delilah, I can promise you

that by the time we get through

the world will never ever be the same,

and you're to blame.

Hey there Delilah

you be good and don't you miss me.

Two more years and you'll be done with school

and I'll be making history like I do.

You'll know it's all because of you.

We can do whatever we want to.

Hey there Delilah here's to you.

This one's for you

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, its what you do to me

What you do to me

I like this song. I've decided I want to make a difference in life. Just one. It doesn't have to be big. But I hope it's for the better.

-Jillian

Safety pins are a bridesmaids best friend

It's over!! Oopah!

Well, I guess it's not completely over. We still have an open house to tackle this Saturday. Once that's over though...

I'm supposed to housesit this week at Jen and Nicks. I get to water their plants, check their mail, and drink Nick's soy milk. I'm not sure if that's necessarily a good thing. The soy milk, I mean. I've never tried soy milk, so I wouldn't even know if it's gone bad when I drink it. For all I know I'm going to be drinking sour soy milk. Can soy milk go sour? I know it can go bad.

Anyway, church was awesome today. It's awesome every Sunday, but today was pretty dang up there on the coolness scale. Kayleen gave a talk because it was her last Sunday, and she made the comment that going to church is like going to a Potluck. You bring one thing, someone brings another, and eventually you have a gigantic feast. You decide how much you want to "eat" so to speak, and the more you eat, the longer you can go while being full. Whenever you go to church, it seems like when you decide to "eat" your fill you're on a spiritual high for a long time. But when - for whatever reason - you decide you don't want to eat a lot, you get hungrier faster, meaning your spirit doesn't ride as high for as long. Which is why we go to church every Sunday. I remember reading something in a magazine a while about why you go to church, because he believed that you could get more out of personal study than you can listening to someone in front of a church. And the whole "food analogy" is why. Because everone brings something to learn and a certain strength, and without others strengths you can't be well-rounded. It reminds me of marriage. You marry someone who completes you. Someone who's opposite you, who has the strengths that you lack and your strengths are their weaknesses.

Actually, that makes me think of something interesting. I was talking with Gen and one of her friends last night and I asked her if she ever smelled her boyfriends hands and if she liked how they smelled. She said they did and her friends made the comment that the reason why you find only certain pharemons attractive is that it's your body naturally selecting the person who you would want to have children with - the person whose immune system compliments yours. In other words, your natural selection of a mate would be the person who's almost exactly opposite of you - chemically and otherwise. I thought that was really cool.

Anyway, I think that's going to be my post for now. I'm oober tired and I think I might take a nap and watch Jimmy Neutron on my laptop. Oh, for those who don't know, I got my laptop. Unfortunately, I was unknowingly decieved on what came with the laptop. I thought it had Microsoft Word and stuff on it, but it doesn't. If anyone knows where I can get that, it would be super duper cool, because I kind of need it.

Toodles everyone! Have an amazing Sunday!

-Jillian

I now have four cuts on my hands, no family, and no best friend. Wanna trade lives?

So. Ho hum. I don't know what to say exactly. All I want to do right now is sit and talk. And cry. It's hard to explain exactly, and that's the problem. It hits me randomly, in waves.

I miss Raage. A lot. And I hate myself for it. I hate that I'm constantly wondering if he's e-mailed me and how happy I am if he does and how depressed I am when I finally get to a computer and he hasn't. It's frustrating.

I just want school to start. Something to take my mind away from this summer and the mundane monotiny that has become my life. Unfortunately, when you take a large chunk out of the monotinys, life becomes really awkward. And in my case, pretty painful.

Life is dragging on, and I'm getting pulled along with it. All I want to do is complain, to vent about my issues. But who to vent to? There's the problem.

I hate the fact that I'm this selfish. I hate that all I seem to think about is myself, or when I manage to think about others, it has to do with me somehow. Can't I ever be selfless? Can't I ever not focus on my own problems?

Ironic isn't it, that this entire post is talking about me. I suppose that's what blogs are for really, the talk about ones self. Hence why the blog only belongs to one person. I suppose it sort of represents life in a way. You go about your business and sometimes people comment.

Or maybe I just need to stop thinking. Thinking seems to get me into trouble, though not quite as much trouble as feeling seems to get me into.

So what's there to do? Really, nothing. Just keep going, trucking along, trying to make out as best as I can. I don't know.

I've known for a while that I would need to become self-sufficient, and fast. Unforunately, in my rush to do so I find myself pretty much alone. So while I'm self-sufficient physically, emotionally I'm still needy. But when no one's there physically it's a bit harder to have your emotional needs met. Especially when I have pretty high maitenance emotional needs.

Oh well, I guess now is as good a time as ever to start trying. After all, no man is an island, but maybe I can try being a peninsula.

-Jillian

Never Let Go...

I can’t understand it

The search for an answer

Is met with a darker day

And we’ve been handed these moments

Forever

But I’m reassured

There’s another way

You don’t have to close your eyes

There is room for love again

Ease the pain to realize

All that love can be
Forced apart by time and sand

Take a step

And take my hand

And don’t let it go

Never let go

Broken, once connected

We were so strong and so blessed

In a simple way

So don’t let me go it alone

Turn your head up to the sky

Nothing down below but me

Face the truth to realize

All that we could be

Torn apart by rage and fear

Hold on to what brought you here

Don’t let it go

Never let go

Hold your head up to the sky

Nothing down below but me

Face the truth and realize

All that we could be
Turn your head up to the sky

Nothing down below

Don’t let go

-Josh Groban

I'm going to hit you in the face with a George Foreman grill

Okay, so I didn't really come up with that one. I wasn't even there or invovled in the making of this quote. I just heard about it. Ten to one it's not even right. But oh well. It was either that or something like the one I did last time I blogged.

So, my head hurts. A lot. In case you guys don't know (even though I'm pretty sure all of you do) the night I wrote that last blog I smacked my head on the floor and gave myself a concussion. It's great. The screen is almost too bright for me. Amazingly though, I think I'm getting better. I went and looked at my pupils in the mirror a few minutes ago, and they're not fluctuating in size as much as they were before.

Basically I'm just wasting time right now until we go over and get the keys from Katelyn's pastor. Apparenlty he knows me. I guess from Track probably. Weird. I was pretty sure he had absolutly no idea who I was. He probably only knows me as that one girl that distracted Raage. That's a great impression.

I want to go do something. Something that involves food mostly. I think I'm dehydrated, because all I want is food. And I realize that's makes almost no sense. I want to watch a movie too. Jeff showed us a preview for a movie called "the Fountain" and I really want to see it. It's rated R though, so maybe I'll get it through clean flicks, because it looks absolutely gorgeous.

I want to go running or actually start being able to do something. I'm supposed to be weeding, but right now it's not going to happen. My mom won't let me run and usually I don't have enough time or energy to weed. I've been feeling pretty anemic lately, which is understandable, considering.

And what is the purpose of this blog. Mostly to waste time. Raage's sitting on the other couch reading, Katelyn's playing some Enya over on the piano, I'm typing and singing along with Jeff.

I want to be able to do stuff. Unfortunately, I know that if I'm going to get better I have to sleep more. But with my work schedule and the fact that I want to hang out with people, it just seems like I don't have any time to do anything.

And I'm whining now, so I think I'm going to sign off.

Toodles!

-Jillian

...well, I'm completely dried-up for quotes...

So.

Here I am again, sitting at my dad's computer, plunking away at the keys. Except this time I can see them. The wonder of contacts!

I don't like money. It causes so much stress! Seriously, here I am, an 18 year old just trying to get through school without raking up too much debt, yet still trying to get the things needed, like laptops and, you know, food and other somewhat important stuff like that. It never seems to work though! I'm super duper frustrated! I mean, I went shopping today because I needed a new sports bra (I bought two, extra-extra support) and running shoes so I can actually start doing some physical stuff, plus I had to buy a bunch of food for Jenny's bridal shower, which is on Tuesday. I spent about $55 bucks today, and I still managed to forget to get a notebook for an advice/memory book for the shower.

And on a completely different note, I just looked out the window, and saw Evylyn sucking face with her boyfried.

Ew. Ew, ew, ew.

Ope, they're still doing it. I don't think I'm going to be turning around any time soon. Because, like, seriously, it's completely revolting. I don't like watching people kiss passionately/suck face/exchange saliva anyway, but when it's someone you know, plus it's Evylyn. *shudders*

I'm such a mean person. Bad Jillian, Bad!

So I'm thinking about taking another class. Like one at 8 on Tuesday and Thursday or something. I think I'll actually log on and look into that. It's funny, because I'm taking as many or more courses than a lot of the people I know, but I still feel like I'm taking the easy way out. None of the classes are that hard. Oh well. Whatcha gonna do? *breaks into song* the king likes Daniel more than me and you!.

Okay, that's over. I hope Mollie got it at least.

I've had a fun last couple of days. I've missed hanging out with Jeff and Katelyn and Mollie. Especially when they're together. Seriously, it becomes the "who can shout louder than whom" competition.

I think I can win.

EW! THEY'RE STILL DOING IT! It's seriously been ten or fifteen minutes. Geesh. At least do it somewhere where people can't see.

Anyway, I'm going to sign off and look at classes.

Toodles!

-Jillian

I'll wanton your face - Jeffney Van Pickle

I dont' know if I've spelt wonton right. I don't know, I don't write Chinese very often.

Anyway, here I sit with my face only a few inches from the screen because I'm not wearing my glasses. And I'm also wearing lots of make-up and Indian war paint. You've got to love doing shows.

I want to write a book. I have no idea what it's going to be about, probably not about anything real, because my life is pretty boring. Now, granted, Jeff and I have decided that working at Bear Mountian could be turned into a Soap Opera/Reality Show (Oh No! Someone ordered Corn Meal and we gave them regular! Whatever shall we do?! Enter Max, wearing a Jolly, Santa-Clause-esque smile, and says: We don't do that here! We just don't. He slams down a bag of dough, causing silence through the back...only Harold keeps making Pizza, because the only way he'd finish one a night is if he works continuously.) Ah...I don't think anyone might get that, except possibly me and Jeffney, and I don't even know if Jeffney would get it. But as for the book? I don't know, I think I'm just writing computer deprived lately. I should probably write in my journal.

Hm, anything else? Not really. Life goes on as normal. I'm doing a show, working, and trying to spend time with friends. Darcy's officially gone now. I'm sad that I didn't really take advantage of the fact that she was here. It seemed like if I wasn't at work, I was at rehersal, and if I wasn't there, I was at home doing something useful, like cleaning, or sleeping. I thought about calling her up, but something else always stole my time. I think this means I should prioritize better.

Isha's at the show tonight! I miss that girl. She lives all the way out in Union! And I hate to say it, driving to Cove is a much prettier drive than to Union. But she's here, so she'll probably go to Denny's with us afterwards. Happiness! Mollie might come too, which is also happiafying (pronoucned Happy-a-fy-ing)

I could probably write other stuff on here, but it makes me sound like a goober. Just thoughts on life and some fears that I already thought I'd dealt with, but apparently not, because they're resurfacing. I'll probably talk to Jeffney or Mollie or Raage about them.

Man, squinting at the screen has made my eyes super tired. I can't wait until Monday when mi mama goes and gets me contacts!

For now, to avoid a massive headache, I bid you all goodnight!

Toodles!

-Jillian

p.s. I've now decided my name is to be spelled Jililan, because it looks cooler.

September...

It begins in a forest where woodchucks woo

And leaves wax green,

And vines entwine like lovers, try to see it.

Not with your eyes, for they are wise,

But see it with your ears:

The cool green breathing of the leaves.

And hear it with the inside of your hand:

The soundless sound of shadows flicking light.

Celebrate sensation.

Recall the secret place.

You've been there, you remember;

That special place where once - just once -

In your crowded sunlit lifetime,

You hid away in shadows from the tyranny of time.

That spot beside the clover

Where someone's hand held your hand

And love was sweeter than berries

Or the honey

Or the stinging taste of mint.

It is September before a rainfall -

A perfect time to be in love.

- The Fantasticks

"I'm a chicken, stuff me" - Jeffrey

There I am, a little before my first birthday with Jennifer. And you want to know what's creepy? I think she still has a sweater like that one.

Anyway, I'm going to blog briefly, because that's all the time I have since I need to shower and I'm supposed to grab a movie from over at Jessy's and be home in like, oh, five minutes.

My life basically consists of work right now. No joke. It's not that bad really, except for the times when you get called back into work to work 8 hours shifts when all you really want to do is go home and lay out in the sun and take a shower since you haven't showered for a day or two.

Hurrah! I've finally found the Prom pictures! It's only taken me four months to get them.

Anyhoo, the drive-in is on tonight, and I'm pretty dang excited. It should be lots of fun. I haven't seen half these people in an age and a half.

But right now I'm supposed to go home and watch a Bollywood movie with my sister and mother. And my dad's reading over my shoulder in a really weird voice.

MOLLIE GOT HER LICENSE! HURRAH!! This makes me very happy inside, as I may now be able to see her more often.

Anyway, I'm going to go and tend to Cletus and watch a Chick-Flick.

Toodles!

-Jillian

"It's like we've all gone full-circle" - Pants

I'm having interesting emotions right now. And instead of closing them off from the rest of me, and isolating them in a corner of my mind like I usually do, I think I'm going to share them, as it seems that only Isha reads my blog, and I'm comfortable with Isha knowing these emotions.

I was reading Jeff's blog when he mentioned wanting to travel to his picture, and to travel there to actually be with someone. I would have to say I'd need the opposite.

I surround myself with people and noise and chaos so that I can feel the thrill of adrenaline, what I've come to identify as life. I tend to be in the middle of everything, so bombarded by sights and sounds that I lose touch with myself. If I were to go to that picture, I would go by myself, or bring someone really close to me along, someone that I don't have to talk to or entertain all the time. Someone who's completely fine with silence and someone who I can share my innermost thoughts and feelings with, someone who will respond to them honestly and think about them with me. At least that's what I'd need right now.

Usually I go absolutely stir-crazy in the summers. I noticed that this year is the first time I'm not going on a vacation or involved in some crazy vacation, or typing away at the computer on my newest Teen Angst novel - of which I've written a few. But I feel pretty happy and content, nonetheless. Yes, there are still times when I want to go have crazy-fun with someone or just hang out in a ginormous group of people, but I'm pretty content with hanging out with one or two people and talking. In fact, I'm finding I prefer that. It's something I haven't done in a while. I'm fine without running to and fro trying to conquer the world. And I'm coming to the realization that maybe, just maybe, I'm not meant to conquer it.

Unfortunately, it leaves me floundering for what I am supposed to do in life.

I read my partriarchal blessing last night. It helped a lot, but I'm still floundering. The one thing I've been hanging on to is slowly fading away too, and I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to grab. Well, I am, but I don't know if I'm strong enough.

Anyway, I miss Mollie. I miss Beckah. I miss Darcy. At least with Beckah I had time to prepare for her leaving. With Darcy it was like she was here one day and gone the other, with only a brief good-bye over the phone. Luckily she's coming back, or I might start crying. Which I definitely hate.

I had a really good talk with Mollie on Thursday night...well, Friday morning. Which reminds me, I'm craving a blueberry bagel. I might have to grab me one of those.

Anyhoo, good-bye to all of you. I don't know when I'll be able to come and type again. Maybe next week, maybe next fall. Either way, I love you all!

Toodles!

- Jillian

Love is a fable, just a childs fairytale

I don't actually agree with that quote, but it's from a gorgeous song in a gorgeous musical. But I do think it has a point. The love that's in childrens fairytale's isn't what real love is. Now granted, I'm not pretending to be an expert on love. I am only 18 and all, but from my own observations and experiences, I don't think love is the whole "love at first sight" passionate Chick-Flick like love. I think real love is patient and kind and understanding. Sometimes it can be passionate. I think love is when you see two old people walking down the street holding hands. No prince will rescue you from your tower. A guy most likely won't serenade you from your window. And if you're waiting for some miscellaneous person to travel across the country to meet you just because they've heard you talk on the radio, it probably won't happen.

Anyway, now that I'm done with that downer.

Mollie's leaving tomorrow for Mexico. *sob*. It was funny, I was over at Raage's on Tuesday night and Nur was running around getting ready for a sleepover and I was like "wow, I haven't had a good sleepover for like, four or five weeks." and I start planning a sleepover...and realize that most of my girlfriends aren't here anymore. I still have Isha here though. Yay for Isha!

I think me and Jeff and Raage might go see "The Lake House" either tonight or tomorrow. Though me and Jeff have to work tomorrow. Oh, which reminds me. Everyone! I have an announcement *clears throat* Jeff and I are the newest employees at Bear Mountain Pizza! Hurrah!!!!

What else has been going on that's of interest? Jennifer and Nick are getting married, though it's not official yet. They're looking at the first and last weeks in August. I hope it's the first week, but that's for secret reasons of my own.

I'm thinking I should probably get off and go and pull weeds for an hour before I have to go to rehersal. Though now that I look at it, I won't be able to put in an hour before I have to leave, so I might not...especially since my head sort of hurts. No, I need to. I have an obligation and responsibility. Besides, it's sort of fun. :)

I hope all you people that ditched us last week had an awesome time at EFY! We should get together and go to the drive-in sometime...though really, nothing really good is ever there. *sigh* It sucks having good taste in movies!

Love you all! If you guys ever get the urge to do anything, don't hesitate to call!

Toodles!

-Jillian

It's like the Chinese version of Titanic!

Ah, good times with Mollie Pants today. And this keyboard I'm typing on in the Hoke center is a complete pain in the tookus. Seriously. I have to hit it really hard, and even when I don't it's still really REALLY REALLY loud.

Anyway, not much is going on right now. I'm sitting here with Pants and Monseuir Jacket. We were supposed to go talk to Peter about choir and stuff, but he decided not to be there, so now we're completely wasting time.

I'm sort of tired. Mollie came over around 8 this morning and I tried to wake up, I really did. But I decided I'd sleep till nine. And that became nine thirty. But we've had some good times today. Such as the quote above.

I miss my Darcy and my Beckah though. It was funny, we were sitting in my room and Jeff was all "Hey, this is a good group. None of us are leaving!" It's true, but it makes me sad that so many of us did. But hey, EOU's not for everyone. And if Raage was here I'd be glaring at him something feirce right now. The jerk.

I really want a steamer. But the place that has them the cheapest is Exxon...I mean Texaco, and I really don't want to go all the way down there. I must just though. Steamer's seem to wake me up and make me feel happy at the same time.

Mollie's going to fill out her FASFA form, so me and Jeff might go. Or I might, because I sort of need to go home and clean some stuff because my Grandpa is coming over on Saturday. And most of my friends are going to be gone, so no one can save me.

HELP!

Toodles!

-Jillian

SUSHI!!

Ha...Darcy has inspired me to love that word in many, many ways.

I SIGNED UP FOR CLASSES TODAY!! Basically, all my classes run from 9 in the morning until 2 in the afternoon, leaving me wide open to work. So I figure that if I get the job at Blockbuster and I get the job at Pettits and I have the newspaper job, that I'll put the money from Pettit's and the newspaper in checking and put Blockbuster into savings. Which reminds me, I need to go set up an account.

But speaking of Blockbuster, I am insanely confused as to why I got a call for an interview and Jeff didn't. I mean seriously! Jeff knows a lot more about movies than I do. If there was a way for both of us to get the job though, it would be insanely amazing. Beautiful gloriousness, that's all I'm going to say.

I never seem to hang out with you guys anymore!!!! It makes me sad really. I always seem to be running around, or if I'm not, I'm always too tired from running around. I think we must plan something. When does Superman come out again? I've forgotten already.

Anyway, this shall be short, because I need to run and finish doing the stuff on my list. I love you all! Thanks for being brilliant!

-Jillian

You're such a funny, punny, hunny bunny!

What's there to say about the past few days? They've been so emotionally draining, but fun and...interesting? That seems like as good a word as any.

I turned in my Bio paper! Woohoo! Darcy got a blog. We learned that Mollie has a hard time counting syllables. I ate tomatoes in a wrap without gagging. I've turned in several job applications, but continue to look for more. I went to the Singles Branch.

Ooh, here's one that takes the cake. I spent six hours in a car with Jeff. That was really fun actually. It was sort of weird at first, like we were aclimatizing to each other ("so is this going to be a long three hours?") but it ended up being really fun. We got to see Beckah off on her flight. Luckily. We seriously thought we had missed here there for a second. I'm just glad that we didn't go with my plan and leave at 1.

And sorry about ditching out really fast on the Barbeque guys. I just wasn't feeling...I don't know. I just couldn't stay there for some reason. I just didn't feel like being social. I know it was selfish, but I knew if I stayed there I would...cry? Probably not. I'm not a big crier. I don't know. I just knew I had to leave. I thought about coming back later, around 8 or so, but I realized I kind of wanted to be alone. Which didn't end up working out, but what ended up happening was really good too. I just feel like a horrible person because I barely even talked to Mollie on her 18th birthday when she was having a hard time. I feel like a complete spoon. I tried texting her that night, wishing her a happy birthday and telling her I loved her, but it didn't go through, which made me slightly preturbed.

What else can I say? This weekend seems to have been a good time for good talks. Mollie and Jeff apparently had one Thursday night. Jeff and I were in a car for 6 hours, so some good things were said then (or possibly yelled...we had the windows rolled down and the music up, so it was a bit overpowering). Saturday night I talked with Raage for about an hour, and then last night we walked aimlessly around town for 2 hours or so.

I always find it funny when you come back from an experience like that and your parents ask what you talked about. You respond with "stuff" because you can't remember all of it, or most of it really. Some of it you remember, but that stuff tends to be the "keep within the parties involved" type things. And you usually talk about so many things in that hour or two that just telling your parents one or two wouldn't cover nearly anything.

Parents are funny like that.

I'm really grateful that I have these people in my life that I'm able to talk to. Like Darcy, for instance. That one time we ran to WalMart after the recital and we talked about college and stuff. That was short, but it was really good. I really hope we do something as a group on Wednesday.

On a happier note, Jennifer gets home on Thursday! I'm really excited. I actually didn't realize how excited I was about it until church on Sunday, when I realized that she would be there with me. We're heading down on Wendesday, eating dinner with Jamie and Justin, spending the night, and picking her up sometime around 10 in the morning. We should have her back home around 6 or 7 that evening. It's going to be interesting.

As a sidenote, I found this gorgeous pictures of a sunrise/set thingy over a lake, and it was called "Rays of Hope" and I tried posting it, but my dad's computer is being retarded. So, sorry.

Anyway, I love you all!

Toodles!

-Jillian

No, he has an extra spring in his swing!

Ah, the silly inside jokes that come when you've just eaten half a pint of Dove Ice Cream and you've had a good night.

You know, I was thinking about stealing Mollie's idea of making a list of my favorite moments from Senior Year, but realized that I would be constantly editing it because I'd forget some. I still really want to do it though. And I just might.

You see, right now I'm sitting at my Dad's office, waiting for 40 pages of information on Cushings syndrome to print off. That's right, 40 pages. I really hope my dad doesn't mind that I'm using all of his paper and ink. Oh well, his fault for not getting a new computer ;-)

So I'm doing a show now. Someone had to drop out of a scene that my sister was directing for a class, so she asked me if I could do it. And I am. I'm just not sure if I'm happy about it.

On a different note, I GOT A CELL PHONE! Except it's a Tracphone, so don't call it unless you really need to get a hold of me and can't get me at home. I'm cheap and don't want to spend the money. The number is 910-3285 so everyone program it into your cells. I've probably already got yours in there. Though now that I think about it, I wonder why I plugged in the Whittakers number. They're going to be changing it like, tomorrow anyway. Sad.

I feel rather productive about my day. I applied at three or four places (if anyone knows ANYWHERE I can get a job, do tell...please...) activated my phone, chopped off my hair, ordered a debit card, went to Institute, and am now working on my paper. Not bad for being up a little over 12 hours.

So here I sit...having ordered the printer to print off a copy of the Starbucks application. Unfortunately, it seems that being productive gives me a headache.

You wanna know something weird? I've spent most of my free days of summer with Raage and it doesn't bother me. In fact, I like it and I want to do it more. That's odd to me. It usually bugs me to be around the same people for more than a few hours at a time...especially when it's day after day after day. But this makes me happy. Which reminds me, for some odd reason, that I need to talk to Mollie and Beckah about Friday. And Saturday for that matter. We should probably figure out how and if we're driving down on Saturday and also when we're going over to Union on Friday.

So far summer has been great. Once I finish this stupid paper, it'll be even better. I'll probably do that tomorrow afternoon.

I think I got over most of my graduation anxiety the week before graduation. Or at least a few days before. The actual ceremony was insanely fun, what with me sitting by Beckah. We must remember never to sit together again during a semi-formal ceremony. Though the singing diploma holders were quite entertaining. Except my parents left me at the High School to find my own ride home. Unfortunately, I had amigrane at the beginning of the all-night party.

Speaking of migrane, I think I have one now. Which means it's probably a bad idea to be sitting here looking at a computer screen.

Alright, it's finished printing. Now I need to talk to my dad about registering for classes so I can figure out what hours I can work.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Pickle Pringles! Pickle Pringles!

Wow...last night might actually have been better than I imagined it would be. But seriously, man oh man, words don't describe the intense ab-workout I got last night...it was awesome.

Yesterday at school was interesting. Raage turned and looked at me with this smile that said "isn't this exciting?" at the end of Calculus and reached out his hand so I would take it. I didn't. I couldn't. If it had been anyone else, I probably could've forced myself to pretend I was happy and go along with it, but not him. And it wasn't so much that I wasn't happy. Words can't describe how happy I am that I never have to take another math class in my life. It's just that graduation means everyone's one step closer to leaving...especially him. There's not going to be any more getting together during lunch and walking around the school talking, no more deciding to skip class to play in the rain, no more buying cookies from Suzy, no more me being blamed for every disturbance in class that might have something to do with me, no more randomly deciding to do something later that night, no more chinese or doing homework out in the field. I just couldn't legitimately be happy about it. When people were running through the halls screaming, I felt like crying.

And then singing with Mollie last night. It was amazing. I can still remember her as the tall girl with glasses and a gap in her teeth singing along with Charlotte Church. But I looked at her last night and saw a beautiful, mature, talented young woman.

You know, it's good to be alive right now. I'm looking outside, and the rain has just stopped and the sun's starting to set and it's making everything look sort of orange and gorgeous. And the clouds are amazing. I really wish I had a camera right now so I could take pictures and post them. The shadows are amazing. It makes everything look so...dimensional?

I really want Raage to teach me to speak Spanish this summer. Actually, I just want to learn to speak some other langugage. I might try my dad with French. I mean, what's the point of having a dad that speaks it fluently if you're not going to learn, eh?

And I just deleted two or three large paragraphs that consisted mainly of me talking about my fear of change. But now that I'm listening to some girlie pop music (weird...especially since I just admitted it...) and I feel a bit better. Actually, I feel a lot better. Enough to go home and shower and maybe read. And who knows, maybe I'll get the urge to experiment with brownies ;) So when you guys meet at my house tonight to go watch X-Men 3 and there are twenty different kinds of brownies around, don't worry, I'm not pregnant.

So, what's the point of this post? I don't know. I just think I needed someone to talk to. Sad that I turn to a computer, huh? Meh, whatever. The other point is, I'm so grateful for my friends. Darcy, Beckah, Jeff, Raage, Mollie, and so many others. Honestly, this year would have completely sucked without you. Now, granted, leaving High School now sucks because of you guys, but it's the good kind of suckage. The suckage that means I may have to wear waterproof mascara at Graduation. Even though I would prefer not to cry. Tears would obstruct my view of Cale, and that would be a horrible travesty.

Anyway, some final wishes. Meghan, Raage, Kathy, all of you, do well at State! Course, I don't know why I'm writing this now, you all left this morning. Anyway, good luck! The rest of you, I'll probably see you tonight, hopefully. Much love!

Toodles!

-Jillian