Reflections on Love

"I love you" is a statement that can be expressed in so many varied ways. It amy be a stage song, repeated daily without any meaning, or a barely audible whisper, full of surrender. Sometimes it means I desire you or I want you sexually. It may mean: I hope you love me or I hope that I will be able to love you. Often it means: It may be that a love relationship can develop between us. Often it is a wish for emotional exchange: I want your admiration in exchange for mine, or I give my love in exchange for some passion, or I want to feel cozy and at home with you, or I admire some of your qualities. A declaration of love is mostly a request: I desire you, or I want you to gratify me, or I want your protection or I want to be intimate with you, or I want to exploit your loveliness.

Sometimes it is the need for security and tenderness, for parental treatment. It may mean: My self-love goes out to you. But it may also express submissiveness: Please take me as I am, or I feel guilty, I want, through you, to fix the mistakes I've made in human relationships. It may be self-sacrifice and masochistic wish for dependency.

However, it may also be a full affirmation of the other, taking the responsibility for mutual exchange of feelings. It may be a weak feeling of friendliness, it may be scarecly even a whispered expression of ecstasy. "I love you" - wish, desire, submission, conquest; it is never the word itself that tells the real meaning of the simple phrase.

I don't know why I found that so fascinating. Probably because it's referring to the many different interpretations of a so-commonly spoken phrase. What does love mean? I suppose to me it means the full-trusting and desire to be with someone. The feeling and idea that no matter what happens, you'll be able to get through it as long as the person you love is with you. That that person makes you happy, they complete you. I'm not saying the person is perfect, by any means. Just that they're perfect for you. It means "I trust you not to hurt me, I trust you with my mind, my heart, my everything." It's long-lasting.

Have I ever said "I love you" without meaning it? I thought I had, but looking back at what I think "I love you" means, I realize I haven't. Not really, when the person realized I meant it, and not just in the cutsey "I'm saying I love you because I'm asking you for a favor" way. You can love your brother, you can love your husband, and - most importantly - you should love Christ by fully trusting.

I suppose there is no official definition for love. Dictionary.com lists the number of defintions for the word love at 28, but I think there are as many as there are people on the earth. I don't think it can really be defined, only expressed.

The issues comes, I suppose when two people exchange "I love you." Can you ever really know what the other person means? I thought I did, but now I realize that definitions for love are about as different - and plentiful - as a person fingerprints. They are formed by life experiences, needs, desires, purposes in life, mental state, anything and everything.

To live is to love right? What does love mean to you? Do you agree with my analysis or not? Is love even a verb, or an adjective?

I would appreciate answers to those questions, but if you don't want to, just think twice before you say I love you next time. I think everyone needs to figure out what love is to them before they should use it. I know I'm more determined to use it accurately, and not just as an off-the-cuff conversation filler, or an automatic because someone says it to you.

After all, "What's not to love?!"

I hope you all have a wonderful night!

-Jillian

...i hate school...

Awe is not a world much used lately, - is this the Three Wise Men following the Star? - what hasn't been explained? Actually, I don't know what has been explained. If we are told, for example, that 99% of our genes are simliar to those of a mouse, does this explain anything? Apprehension, disillusion, disoreintation, selfishness, lust, irony, envy, greed, and even self-sacrifice are commonplace: but awe? Our society has forgotten about it.

That's from my Writing 121 Essay book, and I managed to find it while wading through an obnoxiously long, random, nonsensical essay. But I just want to point out how truthful it is. I think we all need to feel more awe. Just to pause and look at our lives and our bodies and the wonderful, beautiful world around us, and feel awe, awe and gratitude. Awe and gratitude that Heavenly Father has given us all that he has.

The song the seems to reflect my life.; emotions suck, but thank heavens for Imogen Heap!!

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, cus you and I were never meant to be
I think you'd better leave; it's not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.
Alright then
I can keep your number for a rainy day,
That's when its set, no mistakes no misbehaving,
I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this,
Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you're as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh now don't make it harder than it already is,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this,
Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Big trouble loosing control,
Primary resistance at a critical load,
On the double gotta get a hold,
Point of no return a second to go,
No response on any level, red alert this vessels under siege,
To a lower lever, systems failed, they've got control,
There's no way out, we are surrounded,
Give in, Give in.....
Freeze, awake here forever,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this,
Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, it's just what I don't need,
Why make me feel like this, it's definitely all your fault. Feel like this
It's all your fault

Feel like this
It's all your fault
Feel like this
It's all your fault
Feel like this
It's all your fault

Viva la Flamingo

And that my friends, is the new motto of life. I'm not sure what it means, but it makes me ridiculously happy. :-D See?

Anyway. So I'm sitting in a house in Woodinville right now. In case you don't know, that's about 15 minutes outside of Seattle. I wouldn't have known. I didn't even know how to pronounce it, I've been out of school too long.

So, our American Idol adventure so far. Basically it involves a broken muffler, 5.5 hours driving, good stories and quotes (like the one as my title), a dark foreboding highway that's covered in rain, lots of laxative-like snacks, sleep-deprivation, standing in line and listening to some horrible people sing, and some salmon. The salmon's the coolest part. I'd never had salmon until tonight, and boy, is it yummy. Sharon - the mother of the family we're staying with - cooked it with really yummy spices and brown sugar. Oh, it was good.

But Jeff's muffler broke. Like, clean off the piping. It's sad really. But we're going to try and get it fixed tomorrow. We don't even know how it happened. The guy at Shucks said it looked like somebody just sliced it from the piping.

But dude, I'm tired. So I think I'm going to call it a night and hit the sack. Tomorrow we've got a full day of sight-seeing! WOOHOO!!! I'm really psyched actually. This is my first trip to Seattle, and I'm going to make the best of it - even if me and Jeff get lost somewhere. That's what cell phones are for, right?

Toodles!

-Jillian

A wonderful reality

So I know I posted yesterday, and most of you probably haven't even read it yet, but I have to tell about a cool experiance I had today in the EOU library.

I walked in there and the buzz and static of the computers and people in there was everywhere, plus the sound of the air conditioner and everything. So I finish looking up the numbers for the book I want and start heading down the aisle. I'm going as fast as I can because I'm in 15 minute parking and I really don't want to get a ticket. I start down one of the rows of books on the main floor, just looking at the numbers as I go, when suddenly I stop. It's completely silent. The bookshelves are towering heavily, weighted down with knowledge that others have deemed important enough to pass on, almost everything a person could want to know, all within the reach of my fingertips. All I'd have to do is pull it off the shelf and curl up in a ball by the bookshelf. I would be in my own world. No sound, no computers, no air conditioning noise, no one besides me and the author's knowledge. It was like I was in a completely different world. I was no longer in the Pierce Library in La Grande, Oregon. I was a thousand miles away, learning aything I wanted to know.

I like the library. I want to go back sometime.

Hey there Deliliah

What's it like in New York City?

I'm a thousand miles away,

but girl tonight you looks so pretty

Oh yes you do

Time Square can't shine as bright as you.

I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah

Don't you worry about the distance

I'm right there if you get lonely,

give this song another listen.

Close your eyes,

listen to my voice,

it's my disguise.

I'm by your side

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

what you do to me

He there Delilah

I know times are getting hard,

but just believe me girl

someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar.

We'll have it good.

We'll have the life we knew we would.

My word is good

Hey there Delilah

I've got so much left to say.

If every simple song I wrote to you

would take your breath away

I'd write it all,

even more in love with me you'd fall.

We'd have it all

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far,

but they've got planes and trains and cars

I'd walk to you if I had no other way.

Our friends would all make fun of us

and we'll just laugh along because

we know that none of them have ever felt this way.

Delilah, I can promise you

that by the time we get through

the world will never ever be the same,

and you're to blame.

Hey there Delilah

you be good and don't you miss me.

Two more years and you'll be done with school

and I'll be making history like I do.

You'll know it's all because of you.

We can do whatever we want to.

Hey there Delilah here's to you.

This one's for you

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, its what you do to me

What you do to me

I like this song. I've decided I want to make a difference in life. Just one. It doesn't have to be big. But I hope it's for the better.

-Jillian

Safety pins are a bridesmaids best friend

It's over!! Oopah!

Well, I guess it's not completely over. We still have an open house to tackle this Saturday. Once that's over though...

I'm supposed to housesit this week at Jen and Nicks. I get to water their plants, check their mail, and drink Nick's soy milk. I'm not sure if that's necessarily a good thing. The soy milk, I mean. I've never tried soy milk, so I wouldn't even know if it's gone bad when I drink it. For all I know I'm going to be drinking sour soy milk. Can soy milk go sour? I know it can go bad.

Anyway, church was awesome today. It's awesome every Sunday, but today was pretty dang up there on the coolness scale. Kayleen gave a talk because it was her last Sunday, and she made the comment that going to church is like going to a Potluck. You bring one thing, someone brings another, and eventually you have a gigantic feast. You decide how much you want to "eat" so to speak, and the more you eat, the longer you can go while being full. Whenever you go to church, it seems like when you decide to "eat" your fill you're on a spiritual high for a long time. But when - for whatever reason - you decide you don't want to eat a lot, you get hungrier faster, meaning your spirit doesn't ride as high for as long. Which is why we go to church every Sunday. I remember reading something in a magazine a while about why you go to church, because he believed that you could get more out of personal study than you can listening to someone in front of a church. And the whole "food analogy" is why. Because everone brings something to learn and a certain strength, and without others strengths you can't be well-rounded. It reminds me of marriage. You marry someone who completes you. Someone who's opposite you, who has the strengths that you lack and your strengths are their weaknesses.

Actually, that makes me think of something interesting. I was talking with Gen and one of her friends last night and I asked her if she ever smelled her boyfriends hands and if she liked how they smelled. She said they did and her friends made the comment that the reason why you find only certain pharemons attractive is that it's your body naturally selecting the person who you would want to have children with - the person whose immune system compliments yours. In other words, your natural selection of a mate would be the person who's almost exactly opposite of you - chemically and otherwise. I thought that was really cool.

Anyway, I think that's going to be my post for now. I'm oober tired and I think I might take a nap and watch Jimmy Neutron on my laptop. Oh, for those who don't know, I got my laptop. Unfortunately, I was unknowingly decieved on what came with the laptop. I thought it had Microsoft Word and stuff on it, but it doesn't. If anyone knows where I can get that, it would be super duper cool, because I kind of need it.

Toodles everyone! Have an amazing Sunday!

-Jillian

I now have four cuts on my hands, no family, and no best friend. Wanna trade lives?

So. Ho hum. I don't know what to say exactly. All I want to do right now is sit and talk. And cry. It's hard to explain exactly, and that's the problem. It hits me randomly, in waves.

I miss Raage. A lot. And I hate myself for it. I hate that I'm constantly wondering if he's e-mailed me and how happy I am if he does and how depressed I am when I finally get to a computer and he hasn't. It's frustrating.

I just want school to start. Something to take my mind away from this summer and the mundane monotiny that has become my life. Unfortunately, when you take a large chunk out of the monotinys, life becomes really awkward. And in my case, pretty painful.

Life is dragging on, and I'm getting pulled along with it. All I want to do is complain, to vent about my issues. But who to vent to? There's the problem.

I hate the fact that I'm this selfish. I hate that all I seem to think about is myself, or when I manage to think about others, it has to do with me somehow. Can't I ever be selfless? Can't I ever not focus on my own problems?

Ironic isn't it, that this entire post is talking about me. I suppose that's what blogs are for really, the talk about ones self. Hence why the blog only belongs to one person. I suppose it sort of represents life in a way. You go about your business and sometimes people comment.

Or maybe I just need to stop thinking. Thinking seems to get me into trouble, though not quite as much trouble as feeling seems to get me into.

So what's there to do? Really, nothing. Just keep going, trucking along, trying to make out as best as I can. I don't know.

I've known for a while that I would need to become self-sufficient, and fast. Unforunately, in my rush to do so I find myself pretty much alone. So while I'm self-sufficient physically, emotionally I'm still needy. But when no one's there physically it's a bit harder to have your emotional needs met. Especially when I have pretty high maitenance emotional needs.

Oh well, I guess now is as good a time as ever to start trying. After all, no man is an island, but maybe I can try being a peninsula.

-Jillian

Never Let Go...

I can’t understand it

The search for an answer

Is met with a darker day

And we’ve been handed these moments

Forever

But I’m reassured

There’s another way

You don’t have to close your eyes

There is room for love again

Ease the pain to realize

All that love can be
Forced apart by time and sand

Take a step

And take my hand

And don’t let it go

Never let go

Broken, once connected

We were so strong and so blessed

In a simple way

So don’t let me go it alone

Turn your head up to the sky

Nothing down below but me

Face the truth to realize

All that we could be

Torn apart by rage and fear

Hold on to what brought you here

Don’t let it go

Never let go

Hold your head up to the sky

Nothing down below but me

Face the truth and realize

All that we could be
Turn your head up to the sky

Nothing down below

Don’t let go

-Josh Groban

I'm going to hit you in the face with a George Foreman grill

Okay, so I didn't really come up with that one. I wasn't even there or invovled in the making of this quote. I just heard about it. Ten to one it's not even right. But oh well. It was either that or something like the one I did last time I blogged.

So, my head hurts. A lot. In case you guys don't know (even though I'm pretty sure all of you do) the night I wrote that last blog I smacked my head on the floor and gave myself a concussion. It's great. The screen is almost too bright for me. Amazingly though, I think I'm getting better. I went and looked at my pupils in the mirror a few minutes ago, and they're not fluctuating in size as much as they were before.

Basically I'm just wasting time right now until we go over and get the keys from Katelyn's pastor. Apparenlty he knows me. I guess from Track probably. Weird. I was pretty sure he had absolutly no idea who I was. He probably only knows me as that one girl that distracted Raage. That's a great impression.

I want to go do something. Something that involves food mostly. I think I'm dehydrated, because all I want is food. And I realize that's makes almost no sense. I want to watch a movie too. Jeff showed us a preview for a movie called "the Fountain" and I really want to see it. It's rated R though, so maybe I'll get it through clean flicks, because it looks absolutely gorgeous.

I want to go running or actually start being able to do something. I'm supposed to be weeding, but right now it's not going to happen. My mom won't let me run and usually I don't have enough time or energy to weed. I've been feeling pretty anemic lately, which is understandable, considering.

And what is the purpose of this blog. Mostly to waste time. Raage's sitting on the other couch reading, Katelyn's playing some Enya over on the piano, I'm typing and singing along with Jeff.

I want to be able to do stuff. Unfortunately, I know that if I'm going to get better I have to sleep more. But with my work schedule and the fact that I want to hang out with people, it just seems like I don't have any time to do anything.

And I'm whining now, so I think I'm going to sign off.

Toodles!

-Jillian

...well, I'm completely dried-up for quotes...

So.

Here I am again, sitting at my dad's computer, plunking away at the keys. Except this time I can see them. The wonder of contacts!

I don't like money. It causes so much stress! Seriously, here I am, an 18 year old just trying to get through school without raking up too much debt, yet still trying to get the things needed, like laptops and, you know, food and other somewhat important stuff like that. It never seems to work though! I'm super duper frustrated! I mean, I went shopping today because I needed a new sports bra (I bought two, extra-extra support) and running shoes so I can actually start doing some physical stuff, plus I had to buy a bunch of food for Jenny's bridal shower, which is on Tuesday. I spent about $55 bucks today, and I still managed to forget to get a notebook for an advice/memory book for the shower.

And on a completely different note, I just looked out the window, and saw Evylyn sucking face with her boyfried.

Ew. Ew, ew, ew.

Ope, they're still doing it. I don't think I'm going to be turning around any time soon. Because, like, seriously, it's completely revolting. I don't like watching people kiss passionately/suck face/exchange saliva anyway, but when it's someone you know, plus it's Evylyn. *shudders*

I'm such a mean person. Bad Jillian, Bad!

So I'm thinking about taking another class. Like one at 8 on Tuesday and Thursday or something. I think I'll actually log on and look into that. It's funny, because I'm taking as many or more courses than a lot of the people I know, but I still feel like I'm taking the easy way out. None of the classes are that hard. Oh well. Whatcha gonna do? *breaks into song* the king likes Daniel more than me and you!.

Okay, that's over. I hope Mollie got it at least.

I've had a fun last couple of days. I've missed hanging out with Jeff and Katelyn and Mollie. Especially when they're together. Seriously, it becomes the "who can shout louder than whom" competition.

I think I can win.

EW! THEY'RE STILL DOING IT! It's seriously been ten or fifteen minutes. Geesh. At least do it somewhere where people can't see.

Anyway, I'm going to sign off and look at classes.

Toodles!

-Jillian

I'll wanton your face - Jeffney Van Pickle

I dont' know if I've spelt wonton right. I don't know, I don't write Chinese very often.

Anyway, here I sit with my face only a few inches from the screen because I'm not wearing my glasses. And I'm also wearing lots of make-up and Indian war paint. You've got to love doing shows.

I want to write a book. I have no idea what it's going to be about, probably not about anything real, because my life is pretty boring. Now, granted, Jeff and I have decided that working at Bear Mountian could be turned into a Soap Opera/Reality Show (Oh No! Someone ordered Corn Meal and we gave them regular! Whatever shall we do?! Enter Max, wearing a Jolly, Santa-Clause-esque smile, and says: We don't do that here! We just don't. He slams down a bag of dough, causing silence through the back...only Harold keeps making Pizza, because the only way he'd finish one a night is if he works continuously.) Ah...I don't think anyone might get that, except possibly me and Jeffney, and I don't even know if Jeffney would get it. But as for the book? I don't know, I think I'm just writing computer deprived lately. I should probably write in my journal.

Hm, anything else? Not really. Life goes on as normal. I'm doing a show, working, and trying to spend time with friends. Darcy's officially gone now. I'm sad that I didn't really take advantage of the fact that she was here. It seemed like if I wasn't at work, I was at rehersal, and if I wasn't there, I was at home doing something useful, like cleaning, or sleeping. I thought about calling her up, but something else always stole my time. I think this means I should prioritize better.

Isha's at the show tonight! I miss that girl. She lives all the way out in Union! And I hate to say it, driving to Cove is a much prettier drive than to Union. But she's here, so she'll probably go to Denny's with us afterwards. Happiness! Mollie might come too, which is also happiafying (pronoucned Happy-a-fy-ing)

I could probably write other stuff on here, but it makes me sound like a goober. Just thoughts on life and some fears that I already thought I'd dealt with, but apparently not, because they're resurfacing. I'll probably talk to Jeffney or Mollie or Raage about them.

Man, squinting at the screen has made my eyes super tired. I can't wait until Monday when mi mama goes and gets me contacts!

For now, to avoid a massive headache, I bid you all goodnight!

Toodles!

-Jillian

p.s. I've now decided my name is to be spelled Jililan, because it looks cooler.

September...

It begins in a forest where woodchucks woo

And leaves wax green,

And vines entwine like lovers, try to see it.

Not with your eyes, for they are wise,

But see it with your ears:

The cool green breathing of the leaves.

And hear it with the inside of your hand:

The soundless sound of shadows flicking light.

Celebrate sensation.

Recall the secret place.

You've been there, you remember;

That special place where once - just once -

In your crowded sunlit lifetime,

You hid away in shadows from the tyranny of time.

That spot beside the clover

Where someone's hand held your hand

And love was sweeter than berries

Or the honey

Or the stinging taste of mint.

It is September before a rainfall -

A perfect time to be in love.

- The Fantasticks

"I'm a chicken, stuff me" - Jeffrey

There I am, a little before my first birthday with Jennifer. And you want to know what's creepy? I think she still has a sweater like that one.

Anyway, I'm going to blog briefly, because that's all the time I have since I need to shower and I'm supposed to grab a movie from over at Jessy's and be home in like, oh, five minutes.

My life basically consists of work right now. No joke. It's not that bad really, except for the times when you get called back into work to work 8 hours shifts when all you really want to do is go home and lay out in the sun and take a shower since you haven't showered for a day or two.

Hurrah! I've finally found the Prom pictures! It's only taken me four months to get them.

Anyhoo, the drive-in is on tonight, and I'm pretty dang excited. It should be lots of fun. I haven't seen half these people in an age and a half.

But right now I'm supposed to go home and watch a Bollywood movie with my sister and mother. And my dad's reading over my shoulder in a really weird voice.

MOLLIE GOT HER LICENSE! HURRAH!! This makes me very happy inside, as I may now be able to see her more often.

Anyway, I'm going to go and tend to Cletus and watch a Chick-Flick.

Toodles!

-Jillian

"It's like we've all gone full-circle" - Pants

I'm having interesting emotions right now. And instead of closing them off from the rest of me, and isolating them in a corner of my mind like I usually do, I think I'm going to share them, as it seems that only Isha reads my blog, and I'm comfortable with Isha knowing these emotions.

I was reading Jeff's blog when he mentioned wanting to travel to his picture, and to travel there to actually be with someone. I would have to say I'd need the opposite.

I surround myself with people and noise and chaos so that I can feel the thrill of adrenaline, what I've come to identify as life. I tend to be in the middle of everything, so bombarded by sights and sounds that I lose touch with myself. If I were to go to that picture, I would go by myself, or bring someone really close to me along, someone that I don't have to talk to or entertain all the time. Someone who's completely fine with silence and someone who I can share my innermost thoughts and feelings with, someone who will respond to them honestly and think about them with me. At least that's what I'd need right now.

Usually I go absolutely stir-crazy in the summers. I noticed that this year is the first time I'm not going on a vacation or involved in some crazy vacation, or typing away at the computer on my newest Teen Angst novel - of which I've written a few. But I feel pretty happy and content, nonetheless. Yes, there are still times when I want to go have crazy-fun with someone or just hang out in a ginormous group of people, but I'm pretty content with hanging out with one or two people and talking. In fact, I'm finding I prefer that. It's something I haven't done in a while. I'm fine without running to and fro trying to conquer the world. And I'm coming to the realization that maybe, just maybe, I'm not meant to conquer it.

Unfortunately, it leaves me floundering for what I am supposed to do in life.

I read my partriarchal blessing last night. It helped a lot, but I'm still floundering. The one thing I've been hanging on to is slowly fading away too, and I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to grab. Well, I am, but I don't know if I'm strong enough.

Anyway, I miss Mollie. I miss Beckah. I miss Darcy. At least with Beckah I had time to prepare for her leaving. With Darcy it was like she was here one day and gone the other, with only a brief good-bye over the phone. Luckily she's coming back, or I might start crying. Which I definitely hate.

I had a really good talk with Mollie on Thursday night...well, Friday morning. Which reminds me, I'm craving a blueberry bagel. I might have to grab me one of those.

Anyhoo, good-bye to all of you. I don't know when I'll be able to come and type again. Maybe next week, maybe next fall. Either way, I love you all!

Toodles!

- Jillian

Love is a fable, just a childs fairytale

I don't actually agree with that quote, but it's from a gorgeous song in a gorgeous musical. But I do think it has a point. The love that's in childrens fairytale's isn't what real love is. Now granted, I'm not pretending to be an expert on love. I am only 18 and all, but from my own observations and experiences, I don't think love is the whole "love at first sight" passionate Chick-Flick like love. I think real love is patient and kind and understanding. Sometimes it can be passionate. I think love is when you see two old people walking down the street holding hands. No prince will rescue you from your tower. A guy most likely won't serenade you from your window. And if you're waiting for some miscellaneous person to travel across the country to meet you just because they've heard you talk on the radio, it probably won't happen.

Anyway, now that I'm done with that downer.

Mollie's leaving tomorrow for Mexico. *sob*. It was funny, I was over at Raage's on Tuesday night and Nur was running around getting ready for a sleepover and I was like "wow, I haven't had a good sleepover for like, four or five weeks." and I start planning a sleepover...and realize that most of my girlfriends aren't here anymore. I still have Isha here though. Yay for Isha!

I think me and Jeff and Raage might go see "The Lake House" either tonight or tomorrow. Though me and Jeff have to work tomorrow. Oh, which reminds me. Everyone! I have an announcement *clears throat* Jeff and I are the newest employees at Bear Mountain Pizza! Hurrah!!!!

What else has been going on that's of interest? Jennifer and Nick are getting married, though it's not official yet. They're looking at the first and last weeks in August. I hope it's the first week, but that's for secret reasons of my own.

I'm thinking I should probably get off and go and pull weeds for an hour before I have to go to rehersal. Though now that I look at it, I won't be able to put in an hour before I have to leave, so I might not...especially since my head sort of hurts. No, I need to. I have an obligation and responsibility. Besides, it's sort of fun. :)

I hope all you people that ditched us last week had an awesome time at EFY! We should get together and go to the drive-in sometime...though really, nothing really good is ever there. *sigh* It sucks having good taste in movies!

Love you all! If you guys ever get the urge to do anything, don't hesitate to call!

Toodles!

-Jillian

It's like the Chinese version of Titanic!

Ah, good times with Mollie Pants today. And this keyboard I'm typing on in the Hoke center is a complete pain in the tookus. Seriously. I have to hit it really hard, and even when I don't it's still really REALLY REALLY loud.

Anyway, not much is going on right now. I'm sitting here with Pants and Monseuir Jacket. We were supposed to go talk to Peter about choir and stuff, but he decided not to be there, so now we're completely wasting time.

I'm sort of tired. Mollie came over around 8 this morning and I tried to wake up, I really did. But I decided I'd sleep till nine. And that became nine thirty. But we've had some good times today. Such as the quote above.

I miss my Darcy and my Beckah though. It was funny, we were sitting in my room and Jeff was all "Hey, this is a good group. None of us are leaving!" It's true, but it makes me sad that so many of us did. But hey, EOU's not for everyone. And if Raage was here I'd be glaring at him something feirce right now. The jerk.

I really want a steamer. But the place that has them the cheapest is Exxon...I mean Texaco, and I really don't want to go all the way down there. I must just though. Steamer's seem to wake me up and make me feel happy at the same time.

Mollie's going to fill out her FASFA form, so me and Jeff might go. Or I might, because I sort of need to go home and clean some stuff because my Grandpa is coming over on Saturday. And most of my friends are going to be gone, so no one can save me.

HELP!

Toodles!

-Jillian

SUSHI!!

Ha...Darcy has inspired me to love that word in many, many ways.

I SIGNED UP FOR CLASSES TODAY!! Basically, all my classes run from 9 in the morning until 2 in the afternoon, leaving me wide open to work. So I figure that if I get the job at Blockbuster and I get the job at Pettits and I have the newspaper job, that I'll put the money from Pettit's and the newspaper in checking and put Blockbuster into savings. Which reminds me, I need to go set up an account.

But speaking of Blockbuster, I am insanely confused as to why I got a call for an interview and Jeff didn't. I mean seriously! Jeff knows a lot more about movies than I do. If there was a way for both of us to get the job though, it would be insanely amazing. Beautiful gloriousness, that's all I'm going to say.

I never seem to hang out with you guys anymore!!!! It makes me sad really. I always seem to be running around, or if I'm not, I'm always too tired from running around. I think we must plan something. When does Superman come out again? I've forgotten already.

Anyway, this shall be short, because I need to run and finish doing the stuff on my list. I love you all! Thanks for being brilliant!

-Jillian

You're such a funny, punny, hunny bunny!

What's there to say about the past few days? They've been so emotionally draining, but fun and...interesting? That seems like as good a word as any.

I turned in my Bio paper! Woohoo! Darcy got a blog. We learned that Mollie has a hard time counting syllables. I ate tomatoes in a wrap without gagging. I've turned in several job applications, but continue to look for more. I went to the Singles Branch.

Ooh, here's one that takes the cake. I spent six hours in a car with Jeff. That was really fun actually. It was sort of weird at first, like we were aclimatizing to each other ("so is this going to be a long three hours?") but it ended up being really fun. We got to see Beckah off on her flight. Luckily. We seriously thought we had missed here there for a second. I'm just glad that we didn't go with my plan and leave at 1.

And sorry about ditching out really fast on the Barbeque guys. I just wasn't feeling...I don't know. I just couldn't stay there for some reason. I just didn't feel like being social. I know it was selfish, but I knew if I stayed there I would...cry? Probably not. I'm not a big crier. I don't know. I just knew I had to leave. I thought about coming back later, around 8 or so, but I realized I kind of wanted to be alone. Which didn't end up working out, but what ended up happening was really good too. I just feel like a horrible person because I barely even talked to Mollie on her 18th birthday when she was having a hard time. I feel like a complete spoon. I tried texting her that night, wishing her a happy birthday and telling her I loved her, but it didn't go through, which made me slightly preturbed.

What else can I say? This weekend seems to have been a good time for good talks. Mollie and Jeff apparently had one Thursday night. Jeff and I were in a car for 6 hours, so some good things were said then (or possibly yelled...we had the windows rolled down and the music up, so it was a bit overpowering). Saturday night I talked with Raage for about an hour, and then last night we walked aimlessly around town for 2 hours or so.

I always find it funny when you come back from an experience like that and your parents ask what you talked about. You respond with "stuff" because you can't remember all of it, or most of it really. Some of it you remember, but that stuff tends to be the "keep within the parties involved" type things. And you usually talk about so many things in that hour or two that just telling your parents one or two wouldn't cover nearly anything.

Parents are funny like that.

I'm really grateful that I have these people in my life that I'm able to talk to. Like Darcy, for instance. That one time we ran to WalMart after the recital and we talked about college and stuff. That was short, but it was really good. I really hope we do something as a group on Wednesday.

On a happier note, Jennifer gets home on Thursday! I'm really excited. I actually didn't realize how excited I was about it until church on Sunday, when I realized that she would be there with me. We're heading down on Wendesday, eating dinner with Jamie and Justin, spending the night, and picking her up sometime around 10 in the morning. We should have her back home around 6 or 7 that evening. It's going to be interesting.

As a sidenote, I found this gorgeous pictures of a sunrise/set thingy over a lake, and it was called "Rays of Hope" and I tried posting it, but my dad's computer is being retarded. So, sorry.

Anyway, I love you all!

Toodles!

-Jillian

No, he has an extra spring in his swing!

Ah, the silly inside jokes that come when you've just eaten half a pint of Dove Ice Cream and you've had a good night.

You know, I was thinking about stealing Mollie's idea of making a list of my favorite moments from Senior Year, but realized that I would be constantly editing it because I'd forget some. I still really want to do it though. And I just might.

You see, right now I'm sitting at my Dad's office, waiting for 40 pages of information on Cushings syndrome to print off. That's right, 40 pages. I really hope my dad doesn't mind that I'm using all of his paper and ink. Oh well, his fault for not getting a new computer ;-)

So I'm doing a show now. Someone had to drop out of a scene that my sister was directing for a class, so she asked me if I could do it. And I am. I'm just not sure if I'm happy about it.

On a different note, I GOT A CELL PHONE! Except it's a Tracphone, so don't call it unless you really need to get a hold of me and can't get me at home. I'm cheap and don't want to spend the money. The number is 910-3285 so everyone program it into your cells. I've probably already got yours in there. Though now that I think about it, I wonder why I plugged in the Whittakers number. They're going to be changing it like, tomorrow anyway. Sad.

I feel rather productive about my day. I applied at three or four places (if anyone knows ANYWHERE I can get a job, do tell...please...) activated my phone, chopped off my hair, ordered a debit card, went to Institute, and am now working on my paper. Not bad for being up a little over 12 hours.

So here I sit...having ordered the printer to print off a copy of the Starbucks application. Unfortunately, it seems that being productive gives me a headache.

You wanna know something weird? I've spent most of my free days of summer with Raage and it doesn't bother me. In fact, I like it and I want to do it more. That's odd to me. It usually bugs me to be around the same people for more than a few hours at a time...especially when it's day after day after day. But this makes me happy. Which reminds me, for some odd reason, that I need to talk to Mollie and Beckah about Friday. And Saturday for that matter. We should probably figure out how and if we're driving down on Saturday and also when we're going over to Union on Friday.

So far summer has been great. Once I finish this stupid paper, it'll be even better. I'll probably do that tomorrow afternoon.

I think I got over most of my graduation anxiety the week before graduation. Or at least a few days before. The actual ceremony was insanely fun, what with me sitting by Beckah. We must remember never to sit together again during a semi-formal ceremony. Though the singing diploma holders were quite entertaining. Except my parents left me at the High School to find my own ride home. Unfortunately, I had amigrane at the beginning of the all-night party.

Speaking of migrane, I think I have one now. Which means it's probably a bad idea to be sitting here looking at a computer screen.

Alright, it's finished printing. Now I need to talk to my dad about registering for classes so I can figure out what hours I can work.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Pickle Pringles! Pickle Pringles!

Wow...last night might actually have been better than I imagined it would be. But seriously, man oh man, words don't describe the intense ab-workout I got last night...it was awesome.

Yesterday at school was interesting. Raage turned and looked at me with this smile that said "isn't this exciting?" at the end of Calculus and reached out his hand so I would take it. I didn't. I couldn't. If it had been anyone else, I probably could've forced myself to pretend I was happy and go along with it, but not him. And it wasn't so much that I wasn't happy. Words can't describe how happy I am that I never have to take another math class in my life. It's just that graduation means everyone's one step closer to leaving...especially him. There's not going to be any more getting together during lunch and walking around the school talking, no more deciding to skip class to play in the rain, no more buying cookies from Suzy, no more me being blamed for every disturbance in class that might have something to do with me, no more randomly deciding to do something later that night, no more chinese or doing homework out in the field. I just couldn't legitimately be happy about it. When people were running through the halls screaming, I felt like crying.

And then singing with Mollie last night. It was amazing. I can still remember her as the tall girl with glasses and a gap in her teeth singing along with Charlotte Church. But I looked at her last night and saw a beautiful, mature, talented young woman.

You know, it's good to be alive right now. I'm looking outside, and the rain has just stopped and the sun's starting to set and it's making everything look sort of orange and gorgeous. And the clouds are amazing. I really wish I had a camera right now so I could take pictures and post them. The shadows are amazing. It makes everything look so...dimensional?

I really want Raage to teach me to speak Spanish this summer. Actually, I just want to learn to speak some other langugage. I might try my dad with French. I mean, what's the point of having a dad that speaks it fluently if you're not going to learn, eh?

And I just deleted two or three large paragraphs that consisted mainly of me talking about my fear of change. But now that I'm listening to some girlie pop music (weird...especially since I just admitted it...) and I feel a bit better. Actually, I feel a lot better. Enough to go home and shower and maybe read. And who knows, maybe I'll get the urge to experiment with brownies ;) So when you guys meet at my house tonight to go watch X-Men 3 and there are twenty different kinds of brownies around, don't worry, I'm not pregnant.

So, what's the point of this post? I don't know. I just think I needed someone to talk to. Sad that I turn to a computer, huh? Meh, whatever. The other point is, I'm so grateful for my friends. Darcy, Beckah, Jeff, Raage, Mollie, and so many others. Honestly, this year would have completely sucked without you. Now, granted, leaving High School now sucks because of you guys, but it's the good kind of suckage. The suckage that means I may have to wear waterproof mascara at Graduation. Even though I would prefer not to cry. Tears would obstruct my view of Cale, and that would be a horrible travesty.

Anyway, some final wishes. Meghan, Raage, Kathy, all of you, do well at State! Course, I don't know why I'm writing this now, you all left this morning. Anyway, good luck! The rest of you, I'll probably see you tonight, hopefully. Much love!

Toodles!

-Jillian

It hit my hanging thingy!

Ah, that day was completely beautiful. I can only think of two or three things that would have made that entire experiance perfect.

So right now I'm at the EOU library and I'm supposed to be doing research on diseases of the pituitary gland. Sounds easy, right? It's not!!! Do you know how many sites there are on diseases of the pituitary gland? Yeah, not that many. At least not that many that are helpful. Unfortunately, this is not helping my stress level, as my computer is broken and I only have limited time do research. So why am I blogging? Because I haven't done it in a week and I'm feeling the need.

Endocrine:

n Any of various glands producing hormonal secretions that pass directly into the bloodstream. The endocrine glands include the thyroid, parathyroids, anterior and posterior pituitary, pancreas, adrenals, pineal, and gonads. Also called ductless gland.

There you go, there's the research that I've done today. The pituitary gland is part of the network of Endocrine glands that supply all the hormones that keep the human body working.

Good for me.

School gets out in two and a half days. AAAAAAAAH!! FREAKY!!!!

Again, I'm sort of torn in half about this. Half of me is really excited and half of me is so scared I'm about to wet myself. Though not scared really. More afraid of missing people. Yesterday was a trip. It was the last time I'd ever go to La Grande 2nd ward except for visiting. Though Sis Pettit said I still had to come sing in the choir (totally fine with that, Pettit treats...mmm...). It also hit home how soon Beckah was leaving. Wednesday is going to be an interesting night, I can tell you that. We'll be insanely hyper, start laughing and then just bawl. While playing with fire of course.

Man I love my friends. Playing in the rain of Friday really made me realize how happy I am with my friends and how much I don't want them to leave me. I mean really, how lucky can one girl get? My friends are amazing, and that's all there is to it.

I basically just want to spend the last remaining days (wow...sounds like I'm dying...) hanging out with my friends and doing a minimal amount of work. Unforuntately, it doesn't look like that's going to be possibe...stupid 10 page research paper! I hope all of you are going to the awards ceremony tonight so we can hang out there. Wow...this is sad...I'm looking for every possible opportunity to hang out with you guys. Though actually, I guess it's not that sad really. Sort of wonderful.

So, to Beckah and eventually to Darcy and Raage and all my other friends that are leaving, here's this:

If I could I would do all of this again
Travel back in time with you to where this all began
We could hide inside ourselves and leave the world behind
And make believe there's something left to find

We'll be miles apart
I'll keep you deep inside
You're always in my heart
A new life to start
We may be leaving but you're always in my heart

Now we've all grown up, gone on and moved away
Nothing I can do about it, nothing I can say
To bring us back to where we were when life was not this hard (life was not this hard)
Looking back it all just seems so far, so far away

We'll be miles apart
I'll keep you deep inside
You're always in my heart
A new life to start
(We) may be leaving but you're always in my heart

I'd give it up for just one more day with you
Give it up for just one more day
I'd give it up for just one more day with you

I'd give it up for just one more day with you
Give it up for just one more day
I'd give it up for just one more day with you

I'd give it up for just one more day with you
Give it up, give it all away I'd give it up for just one more day with you

We'll be miles apart
I'll keep you deep inside
You're always in my heart
A new life to start
We may be leaving but you're always in my heart

I need you now, we're miles apart
I'll keep you deep inside
You're always in my heart
I need you now, we're miles apart
We may be leaving but you're always in my heart

- Yellowcard, "Miles Apart"

Did I say that outloud? My bad...

So, life lesson learned today. Don't fry bacon without any clothes on. Don't ask how I know this. Just trust me, it will hurt.

Ah, the memories that I'm going to be taking away from this year! There are so many! Mostly good ones actually. Like, quite heavy on the good side.

Actually, I was really thinking about it today. I have been so blessed. I mean, yeah, I have crappy days and things aren't perfect, but really? I have it pretty good. I have amazing friends and each day I'm learning and growing. It's funny, for the past few years it seems like I go in this cycle. I'll have such a crappy stretch of time where I'll turn to Heavenly Father for help. Then he'll help and everything will be beautiful. Then, sometime during the beautiful stage, I'll be like "wow, I have an amazing life. Cool beans." And the next day something REALLY bad would happen that would start the cycle all over again. I think it was Heavenly Father's way of going "are you going to thank me for having a good life? No? Okay, let's start again..." I think I've become a little better at giving thanks, though I know I'm no where as good as I should be, because I've been going on a "good stretch" for ...probably three or four months. Since my birthday, at least. Again, I have a few days that are bad, but I haven't fallen into any of the depressions that lasted more than a few days in a long while.

I have an amazing life. I'm so grateful for warm nights that make me feel alive. I'm glad I'm able to go to EOU and hang out with Mollie Pants and Jeffrey Jacket and that I was able to hang out with Beckah. I'm glad I have the entire summer to hang out with Raage and that I'm able to have such an amazing friend. I honestly don't know what I've done to deserve it. My sister is coming home in 24 DAYS!!!!! And speaking of, I have a cool family too.

I'm conveinantly forgetting to add that I have a Bio Final tomorrow and that I might have possibly bombed another Calculus test today, not to mention that I still have to do dishes and I've only recieved 10 hours of sleep the past two days. Because really, those things are all my fault for procrastination and such. Except for the sleep thing. Jennifer called 6:30 Sunday morning. Oh, and weird fact. Raage knew when she would call before I did. What's up with that? Actually, it's because my mom saw his mom and they chatted. I can't help but feel that's a bad thing, my mom and his mom chatting. At least for a little while while embarrassing information could be exchanged. Oh, and one more bad fact. I ripped the bumper off of an old woman's car. Yup, I'm amazing. So now I can't get married for three years, unless I want to triple my insurance payment. Ha, I guess we'll see how much I'm worth to the guy, eh?

Okay, enough procrastinating. I did a little studying during Urinetown rehersal (note, little) but I should probably get a little more done so I can fail the test with a halfway decent grade.

I love you all!

Toodles!

-Jillian

The Canine Conga: behind the world of doggie dancing

Today's been an interesting day. When I figured I'd skip last night, I didn't think of the implications. In other words, I fogot that whenever I skip I get this weird icky feeling that I'm a horrible person adn I've done something wrong or that I've missed out on something. And it didn't help much that I didn't feel all that much better for the extra sleep I got.

So, so far today - all 5 hours that I've been awake for - have been pretty crappy. I went and made-up an Econ test in Modern Problems that I missed, oh, about two months ago, so you can imagine the score that I'll get on that. It shouldn't be that bad though, because I only need a few points of it to raise my grade.

Oh, and funny story. After Calculus I realize that I haven't seen my key for a long time. So I look through my pockets, through the hoodie I'd worn to school, on the bottom of the locker, on the ground around me. Nope, no key tied to a bright yellow key chain. So I look in the Calculus room, the bio room, in the library, in the hallways. Nope. I ask Mr. Wright if any one had seen it. Nope. I ask the office if anyone had turned it in. Nope. So I resign myself to walking home with my ginormously huge backpack that is carrying everything I use at school (two text books, five notebooks, other miscellaneous garbage) to get my other key and drop off my stuff, then go back to the school and get my car. But then, lo and behold, I'm out by the tennis courts, and I realize I never took my key out of my car. All that stress and freaking out over nothing.

That's sort of the story of my life though.

Random fact: Did you know I still confuse my y's and my u's? It's going to suck if I go to BYU-I. I'll end up writing it BUY-I, because I'm a loser like that.

Speaking of college. Wow. I think it barely hit me today that it's really ending. College is beginning and High School, and everything that is familiar about it, is ending. I've got mixed feelings about it. I'm looking back over the past few years - this past year especially - and am wishing I'd done a lot of things or that I hadn't done other things. Everything since the end of the musical has gone by so quickly. Even before that things seemed to be zipping by. I've missed friends that I haven't hung out with for a while and ones that I've sort of let slip away. And of course, those that I've under-appreciated. There are only two weeks left. It just feels strange that it's really ending. Normally, when the school year ended you'd have next year to look forward to seeing the people you missed during the summer. Now that won't happen. It's a disconcerting realization. I still don't know if I'm going to go to the all-night party though. I probably won't go on the Senior trip, instead I'll might spend the day hanging out with Mollie and Beckah and Katelyn, because they're not going either. Now, because that last paragraph seemed a bit heavy, I'll make a list:

Things that make Jillian insanely happy:
1) Hanging out with friends
2) Looking at pictures of friends
3) Remembering good times with friends
4) Not worrying about having to do something
5) Taking leisurely walks with friends
6) Night time
7) Looking at the clear night sky on my roof...alone, but especially with friends
8) Good choral music...especially Eric Whitacre, and especially Sleep, which I am currently listening to
9) Laughing at something good and clean, usually stupid jokes deriving from candy wrappers or other random things
10) Knowing you're doing something right
11) Watching the sun rise
12) Seeing happy people
13) Good hugs
14) Chocolate
15) Knowing that you're loved
16) Seeing the people you care about succeed
17) Good talks with friends...or strangers...or family...really, good talks with anybody
18) Reading my scriptures
19) Knowing that no matter how many people dislike you and are rooting for you to fail, there's always at least one person that wants me to succeed and overcome all
20) Knowing that Heavenly Father and Christ love you and that they're there to help you if you'll only let them (refer to #19)


So that's my top 20 list right now, in no particular order as numbers 20, 19, & 18 are a bit more important than chocolate.


*sigh* I feel much better now. Time to go tackle some homework. I love you all! If I become overly sentimental the next few weeks, just humor me. Hope you're all having an awesome week.

Toodles!

-Jillian

p.s. JENNIFER COMES HOME IN 29 DAYS!!!!!

Darcy, the bathroom is heaven to me!

So I just got away from a situation where I was around people 24/7 and I come home to a place where no one is.

I feel like going insane, and not in a good way. Like, postman insane.

I need to do something, to go somewhere, to get out of the house. OHMIGOSH! I WANNA GO ON A WALK! A really slow one since my breathing isn't happy right now, but that sounds pleasant.

You know, I would really like to be able to breathe out of both my nostrils. I usually have one mostly if not all clear, but then the other one is always plugged tight. And by tight I mean tight like unto a dish. And it's giving me a massive sinus headache.

And I'm complaining again. But you know, I feel like crap. I would say I smell like crap too, but because of the whole nostril-thing, I wouldn't be able to tell if I smelled or not.

We got second by the way. Of course, anyone that reads my blog is going to know that we got second because they were there anyway, but I thought I'd throw that little bit of information in there. The trip was fun, except I was cranky half the time because of the mucus infesting my brain. And you want to know something sad? I almost used music instead of mucus. Switch around a few letters and there you go. Music=mucus.

And I'm rambling again. It's seems like I never have anything of interest to say anymore. I just sort of force conversation and say what I expect people for me to say. And that came out wrong too. But it wasn't as cool as "Remember Ms. Butts, you're pantsing with me on the bus!"

Whatever pantsing is, it sounds quite exciting.

Toodles

-Jillian

A patriarchal blessing contains chapters from your book of eternal possibilities

I don't know exactly why I'm blogging right now. I just feel the need to. I feel the desire to reach out to others right now, to do something.

Today has been interesting. It seems like the theme for the past few days has been that I need to read my patriarchal blessing again. And then today. Not only did Raage get his, but Josef Mielke got his also, and people talked about blessings during Sacrament meeting. And I was feeling sort of bad today, moody I guess. I'm sort of unsure of where I'm going, what I'm doing. More importantly, if what I'm doing is right. Nothing specific, just...things. Lately I've been searching for happiness is different places. My compass has been slightly off-whack.

A motto I've had for the past few years was to live life without regret. I thought I had blown that idea last year, but now, looking back on it, yeah, I wish I hadn't done some of that stuff, but it made me a better person and it's strengthened me and taught me so much. So I don't really regret it.

Now, I'm looking forward in life and see the decisions that I've made, and decisions that I have to make, and soon. I'm starting to freak out slightly. I look to my future and see things happening - good and bad - and I'm afraid of them. What if the good things don't happen? What if I do something wrong? What if I miss a prompting or move too quickly and completely ruin the plan that was laid out for me? What if all the things fall into place, and then it turns out I'm not worthy of them? Or what if what I want to happen looks like it's going to happen, but then it doesn't?

Yes, I worry a bit.

But then I realized that the more and more I put off making the decisions - like where I'm going to college and what I'm going to allow to happen with me and who I'm going to keep in contact with after college - if I put off those decisions or dwell too much on those that aren't immediately important in my life I'm going to miss out on so much. Ironically, I'll regret it, and regret is sort of the thing I'm trying to avoid.

So what is the point of this blog? I don't think there is one. I just wish time wouldn't fly by so fast and that this month would last forever. Well, minus the school part. But I guess if this time lasted forever, I'd have an infinite amount of time to do my homework in.

I love you all. I really do. Each one of you has done something in my life to help me. I'm going to miss all of you, and I'm going to enjoy the time we have left together.

So now I'm going to get off and keep fighting the urge to call Raage. I want to talk to him so badly it's not even funny. Seriously, it's been driving me insane all night. But no, instead, I'll sit here and wait for Beckah and Steven to come so we can go see Brooklyn's puppy.

Toodles!

-Jillian

p.s. Jennifer gets home in 39 days!!!!

See, I don't like the singing where it's this ugly noise coming out and their eyes look like they're about to pop out

So, I was getting all fed-up with never having anything to read because no one ever posts anymore, when I realized I hadn't posted in a week and a half.

Oh, how the hypocrite is humbled.

So here I am, typing away. A lot has happened this week. Just moments of beauty where time seems supsended, and I like it. Moments where you feel contented, like you'd be happy to stay where you are with who you're with forever.

Unfortunately, this feeling caused me to get caught a little off-guard when Solo and Ensemble turned out to be, you know, the next day. It was a good trip, except for me being severely dehydrated last night at the hotel. I think we've decided that my rash is a heat rash brought on from dehydration, because it only flares up when I'm in the sun for a long time or I'm really warm.

Anyway, getting off-topic.

About State Solo Competition. I don't understand why people like to sing operatically. Seriously. They look like they're going to hurt themselves or something. Not only do they sound like they're sharping half the time because how forced their vibratto is, but they look like they're hurting themselves. Or that their constipated.

And there was just a hurge roll of thunder outside my window. Happy!

But we left pretty much after I sang. Getting out was a lot easier than finding the college, let me tell you. We got an unoffical tour of the Salem countryside because an arrow showed us the wrong way and I was looking there instead of at the road sign. My bad. It's quite pretty though.

Anyway, that would be the highlights of the trip. It was rather uneventful. I heard MaeLee play, and she was amazing. I was like "holy frickin pooh".

I'm glad tomorrow's Sunday. I need a church pick-me-up. My dad keeps asking me if they've posted the results yet, but I don't think they even announce the scores until 7 or so. Now I get to focus on State Choir, which I am looking forward to. A lot. Even if we do fail miserably. I'm just looking forward to hanging out with everyone. Jeff, Mollie, Beckah, Raage, I'm going to be so sad when we come back and realize this is the last choir trip that I'll ever take. Hopefully we'll be able to talk Mr. Jacobson into letting us play laser-tag again. That was sweet.

I think I'm probably going to go. I have to run to Wal-Mart and drop off some music. I love you all! I wish I knew if you guys were back from Moscow yet. I'm feeling antsy, and I've missed you guys like I've been gone a week, not just a day.

See you guys later!

Toodles!

-Jillian

Reflections on Happiness

Finally! Today feels like such a beautiful wonderful yummy just-want-to-eat-it Spring Day! I've spent a large chunk of it outside, and just want to be out there still! I'm sitting at my computer, smelling the air as it blows through my screen door, and just want to be out there.

It's so nice. Life is cool. I love my friends - even those I don't get to hang out with enough. I just have this calm, serene contentment right now. I'd feel completely fine doing my homework or really anything. It's a strange mix of being laid back and anxious.

I'll admit though, I'm having a rather hard time now that I've quit Track. I've been pretty good the past few days, working on my homework. But now I've got some serious cabin fever. I really want to go outside or do something other than sit here and plunk away at my stupid Bio study guides. Go play at a park, ride a merry-go-round, have some ice cream. Oooh, that's what I want. Ice cream! And to maybe go watch the track meet or tennis practice. Hm...maybe I'll bum money off my mom, go buy a pint of Ben and Jerry's, pick up Beckah or someone, and go watch. That sounds insanely fun.

I'm just having an amazing day. Yeah, there have been some down parts, but overall, I'm just glowing. Life is good. Chocolate is good. And I'll probably hate the world tomorrow, but for now? I'll just keep smiling, and I hope you all do the same!

Toodles!

-Jillian

You don't mess with a man's leg hair...

I would like to amen that statement.

So, as I only have about twenty minutes before I need to leave for mutual and there's no way I'd be able to start one of my calculus assignments in that time, I feel no guilt in blogging about the whole Canada trip thing. Well, not much.

Anyway, Canada was gorgeous. It was so much fun too. I can't wait to get my pictures back. I want to expand more and do the thing that both Beckah and Jeff did, but I think only I would enjoy reading exactly what happened during the trip and it would mention a certain someone an embarrassing amount of times. It was good though. Really good. Things were so beautiful, and I had some amazing experiances there, such as singing in Parliment. Also, I found my best friend. Which was nice. But I really regret not hanging out with Beckah and Mollie. I wish we could have more time there so I could join in their revelries, but we can look forward to state for that. And possibly this Saturday if Mollie comes as my "date" during the day.

Speaking of, Prom is Saturday. I haven't actually been asked, but I have a sneaking suspicion I'm going. Some little curly headed bird asked if I would be interested in going with a certain someone, and I figured, what the heck, why not? (And I'm totally kidding Raage, I really don't care if you ask or not, I just enjoy teasing you.)

This week has been really stressful though. I'm so behind in my classes! Luckily though, I think Coach Lovitt likes me and now that he knows I'm a Senior he may let me off easy if I need to skip and do homework...which I might have to. And I have a Bio test tomorrow. Crap on a stick! I'm going to fail that class. No joke. But yeah, anyway, I'm really behind in that class - like, three study guides behind - and am behind two assignments in Calculus. Oh, and behind slightly in Modern Problems, but you can tell how much I care about that. Once I take that stupid test my grade will probably be an A again. And I'm going to be missing more school. Oh, joy of joys!

Oh, but speaking of, Eddie Dunlop - the casting guy for Hairspray - called and I'm supposed to go down to L.A. sometime this month for an audition in front of the producers and possibly the director. FREAKY!!! Seriously, what are the odds? I'm slightly nervous, but I'm excited to go. Not excited to miss school - again - but defintely for going down there.

Anyway, Mutual is going to start in a few minutes, and I want to change into my P.J.'s or something like that.

Love you all!

Toodles!

-Jillian

If we lived in the future, then we'd be in the past right now - Spring Break trip to Salt Lake Trip, 2006

Celebrate the 100th post!

It's official, I am a blogging nerd.

Anyway, in honor of my 100th post, I am including two incredibly awesome pictures that make me happy. The first one makes me happy, because I find Raage's fingers and hands insanely fascinating. Or at least I did this weekend. I don't know if I'll find them quite as entertaining once I start getting a normal amount of sleep, but as I don't fit into that category right now, I still like the picture. Though I'd probably still like the picture anyway, even if my obsession with his opposable appendages fades.

The second one makes me happy because it proves black is just a color. You can be pasty white and lay the rap-smack down too. Especially when using a cheesey fifties show-tune. Actually, I think that fact makes it all the cooler.

Anyway, to the real point of my post. This weekend was amazing. Words honestly cannot describe how wonderful it was. I'll admit I was slightly worried when the trip started that there would be some awkwardness or something - I have no idea why I thought that, perhaps I was on crack - but it turned out wonderfully. I wish I could have stayed down there for another week, especially since the weather had just turned warm and wonderful, and I really hated that we had to leave. I'll have so many memories of that place now, especially of it at night. I just wish that we never had to sleep! Though I regret the fact that we stayed up as late as we did now. But to why this trip was so amazing...I don't think I can adequately describe it. But it was just a growing experiance, growing closer to people and closer to Christ and Heavenly Father and closer to yourself in a way.

All I'm going to say is I hope this feeling never fades. I'm happier now than I have been in a while and I'm not even eating chocolate.

Saturday had to be my favorite day, even though all of them were awesome (Friday was a close second, and might've taken first if it weren't for the fact that I was slightly loopy from lack of Z's...and it wasn't conference, but we still did Baptisms in the Salt Lake Temple then, even if we did have to wait around for an hour or so for Nick and Troy. But even that was worth it to see Raage's face when he saw Temple Square at night. That still makes me smile. Anyway, back to Saturday...) Saturday we - meaning me and Raage - ended up listening to the first session in the lobby of the Legacy Theater in the Joseph Smith Memorial Buildling where we had seen Joseph the Revelator that day before, while Nick and Troy waited in the Stand-by line so we could all get in for the Saturday afternoon session since we missed the morning session by about 30 people.

Unfortunately for Troy and Nick, they left, leaving me and Raage - both who didn't know the whole "stand-by line rules" or something - in their stead holding the places.

To make a long story short, Raage and I ended up in the session and Nick and Troy ended up back at Troy's grandma's eating homemade chicken noodle soup and watching conference on T.V. The talks were amazing and the spirit was too...even when I was still shivering from the cold. But I have to confess the lack of sleep sort of caught up with me there and I zonked for a while. Only during the first talk and a half, until Raage nudged me and told me to take notes to stay awake, which turned to be a good strategy.

Anyway, after that awesome experiance, I headed back to the apartment to eat while the guys waited in line to get into the Priesthood session. I told them I'd meet them afterwards by the reflection pool, and I did that, after playing a rousing game of Scrabble with Troy's grandma. Actually, it was really fun, but it wasn't rousing, as I took an hour or so nap. They took a while to get out there though, which was fine because I needed to talk to Jennifer on the tape so I could send it off.

...And I'm getting really off topic, so I'll finish really quickly. We had decided we wanted to take pictures of temple square at night, but Nick and Troy petered out on us because Troy wanted to visit his cousin and Nick wanted to go with him. So Raage and I walked around Temple Square talking and taking pictures. And might I say that that place is so gorgeous at night? Like, I've been there before, but I guess I wasn't old enough to realize how amazing and awe-inspiring it was. I just hope the pictures turn out.


Sunday was almost as wonderful, what with conference and walking barefooted and lying in the grass waiting to go in and that one random lady taking a picture of me. And we can't forget that one guy who thought I was Latino and Raage was Brazilian.

But overall, the experiance was so spiritually fulfilling. It makes me want to go to conference all the time. Or go to an LDS boarding school. But mostly have conference all the time. Though I think that might dull the wonderfulness of it eventually.

And I just realized this is a ridiculously long post and that I'm insanely hungry. So I'm going to get off and go cook myself some dinner. You know, I don't think I've seen my dad since Thursday morning. And by Thursday, I mean the Thursday after school let-out. Sad huh? Right now they're all at rehersal...and I mean all at rehersal. Nick, Mom, Dad, Jessy, everyone. It's probably going to be like that a lot. I'll just cook myself dinner and start in on my bio homework.

I hope you all had amazingly wonderful Spring Breaks and are happy and grateful that we live in such a wonderful world, despite the mundaneness of it. Just keep remembering to look for the little things, like chocolate cake and trail mix! I love you all!

Toodles!

-Jillian

Sorry guys, I forgot my handcuffs

So it's the first "official" day of Spring Break and I figured that warranted a blog entry. Though what to write is the real question. The past few days have been really fun, what with running around and singing and just hanging out with people.

I ended up hanging over at Raage's for a while last night. It turned out it was exactly what I needed. I didn't even realize I needed it until I was over there. It was fun just to sit there and be surrounded by kids and noise and the whole happy family feeling. And the incredibly delicious banana bread and cookies were just an added bonus. And the sinus medicine. And the cough drops. But mostly being there was wonderful.

It brought back memories of Sunday's when my dad would practically tear his hair out because me and Jennifer wouldn't stop wrestling in the middle of the living room. He would always make the comment that he had girls and he didn't know why on earth we were wrestling at all, let alone why we chose to do it on Sunday of all days. And then me and Jenny would gang up on Jessica. And then when we were all dog-piled on each other my dad would come and sit on all of us. My mom would just sit and laugh.

I miss my family. I miss my parents. I miss Jennifer. I miss Jessica being here unattatched. It'll be a while before we'll have rowdy Sunday's again, until Jessy and Jenny have kids. I can probably wait that long. Two or three years. Besides, I still have Nick who's quite fun to talk to, and Jessy and Patxi - even if they did steal my car.

Oh, so there's a story. I went to church with Jessy and Patxi yesterday so I wouldn't be all alone in my ward and so I could be with them. Well, when I got up to blow my nose - not to bear my testimony, despite what it apparently looked like - they stole my key. I, being me and unobservant, didn't realize I didn't have it until Young Women's was almost through. I then start looking around for my key, in all the five places I'd been that day. I look for a while by myself until Jessy and Patxi come in from putting some stuff in the car, then they help me. Then I get Raage and Nur to help (sidenote: Raage, when I was younger I used to lie on the floor during church and look down the floor trying to match people with their shoes. It was really fun. That was how I would keep myself entertained during General Conference too. Okay, back to story) and we still couldn't find the key. I was freaking out because it was the only key I had and the only other copy was floating somewhere in the Carribean where I obviously wouldn't get it. But Jessy kept telling me to go check out in my car. I kept saying no because I knew I had it in Sacrament meeting with me. Finally I was agreed and we walk out there - and my car isn't where it's suppose to be. To quote Jessica "you could see your confusion from the back of your head." And to make a long story short (too late) Patxi engineered the plan to steal my car and they parked it over on the other end of the parking lot, all the while letting me go searching in vain for my key.

The punks.

But I ended up going over there for dinner afterwards and it was fun. I made a chicken casserole with mixed vegetables...vegatables...whatever and a rosemary basil cream sauce. It was quite yummy...at least to me, but I spiced it to taste and my nose was clogged, so I don't know how it tasted to normal people.

Anyway, I've got to run to Safeway and buy some stuff for the trip. Talk to you guys later, and hope you're all having a wonderful Spring Break.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Girls are like a piece of steaming hot pie with a big scoop of confusion on top

I dedicate this title to Raage Ismail Sofe. If you wish, you may insert "guy" in for girl. I know I do.

The track meet was...interesting? There were some high points and low points. The low points being me actually competing. Why did I ever think I could do Track? I'm horrific! Seriously! If I were Brogden, I would want to skewer myself with a Javelin, just to get rid of me.

The good news is we're going to state for choir. Turns out Baker didn't have enough music to qualify for time, so they were disqualified (I'm not so far into track to say DQed, thank you very much) and we took first. But since they're going down to Ontario to qualify, we really need to step it up and haul some trash to beat them at state.

I've come to a conclusion. High school can be very...weighing? Heavy? I'm sure you might understand what I'm saying. I've finally figured out the drama of who's talking about who, who annoys who, what people think of you, it's so...trivial. Momentary. High school will be over in a few months and most of the people and all of the drama will be gone. A sad thought, but enough to make you want to take advantage of the time you have left with friends.

And speaking of, Sara's over to watch a movie. Love you guys!

Toodles!

-Jillian

When you're drunk, you'll realize I'm in charge - Mr. Jacobson

Alright! Finally a time to breathe! Not that I can breathe all that well right now, as my cold has officially moved into my chest full force. I woke up this morning and sounded like a bass...at least when I could talk. Half the time I just ended up making this honking, rasping kind of noise. Which should prove interesting for the performance tonight. "What's the (honk) humming (rasp) tell (cough, cough) about Hugo and (hack).

It'll be beautiful!

So the past few days have been an amazing blur. For those that don't know...even though I think everyone does...I called the casting agency back yesterday and I recieved the e-mail last night. I'm supposed to read a scene they sent me from the script and sing the last part of "Good Morning Baltimore", and send in the tape. If they like me, I guess it would be on to L.A. from there to do cattle-calls and stuff. My mother already has my entire career planned out for me, and my dad thinks I'll go onto Broadway. I - meanwhile - am just flying by the seat of my pants. Oh, and I got accepted to BYU-I, though I'm still not sure if I'm going to go there (and I know Raage thinks I'm a dork for not saying absolutely that I'm going, but there are a lot of unknowns right now). But even if a miracle happens and I do make the movie, I figure I'll just go back to school after it's done. I'll just be the normal college Frosh who happened to make a major motion picture before her freshman year. Completely normal, right?

The only reason why I would want to get the role, besides the fun of doing it, would be so I could have all of college paid off.

So life is going really well for me right now. I got accepted at my two colleges of choice, I'm in the running for a lead role of a major motion picture with Queen Latifah and John Travolta, the show is going well and it's almost over, I've made it to state solo competition, my scholarship applications are done, I have awesome friends and a party to look forward to tonight, Spring Break is going to be awesome w/Janae, Raage, Nick, and now probably Yuki.

And it seems life is just flying by. I really just want to take a walk and talk with someone. I haven't done that in a long while. And I don't see it happening to soon either. Things have been happening so fast lately that I can't seem to follow them and keep all of them straight. Situations have come up that I really want to talk to someone about, to share my thoughts and see what they think, but there never seems to be time or the right circumstances. I know it'll happen eventually, and that things now probably don't matter in the long run, so why dwell on them, right?

I slept in today, and it felt so nice. Except I had a really strange dream. It was sort of complicated so I won't share it, but I think it had something to do with the book I'm reading, "Fire of Heaven". Which is actually quite a good book, despite the fact that there are 7 more that I have to read before I'm done with the series as it stands now. But I was creeped out by how it seemed to reflect on reality, and now I'm having a hard time differentiating what happened in my dream and what happened in real life.

That's the last time I take Niquil before I go to bed.

I like being spontaneous. And I like little kids that are willing to do anything for you. The Hokey-Pokey had to be the highlight of my day yesterday. I love acting like a little child, finding the joy in little things. Just how their faces light up when they see something simple, like a mud-puddle or rolling storm clouds. I think as we get older we take things for granted and see them as things to weigh us down. The sun rises every morning, meaning it's time to wake up and go about another day, not that Heavenly Father loves us and wants us to have light, the clouds mean rain and cold, not puddle-jumping and spring flowers. School means homework and sleep-deprivation, not seeing friends and obtaining knowledge. A butterfly is not to be noticed, not something to be stared at and smile to yourself at the beautiful wings. A leaf floating in the wind might mean a storm is coming, it's not something that makes you realize the awesome power that Heavenly Father has, or the beauty of the changing seasons.

I think that might be what they mean by being "child-like". Not just being humble and trusting and submissive, but being grateful for little things. It's the little wonders in life that will make you happy. And of course, some bigger ones will too. But you can't always have bigger ones, and sometimes the bigger things - like possibly making a movie - don't make you as happy as you think they would. Instead, happiness could be found in something as simple as taking a walk in the fall, just as the leaves start to turn.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Fainting made my underwear unhappy - Rebekah Whittaker

Ah, finally the fun of the musical starts! I still don't feel the pressure and excitement of coming up on opening night though. I think it's because I don't feel much besides pain and tiredness right now.

Okay, as for the reasons I feel pain: my arm was hurting today for some reason and my hand was shaking; I then went to practice, threw a guy's shot and a disc and a guy's Javelin (I asked Coach Brogden if I could throw a guys Javelin because I throw it farther than the girls, and he said I'd have to have a sex-change, and as I doubt that would happen before the end of Track season, I'm stuck with Apollus, whom I love dearly though) then went to rehersal where I caught Beckah a gajillian times (ha, gajillian buehler...happiness!), then had to catch and let Sam down a gajillian more times, then I tripped on my blanket - wiping out all over the stage, got kneed in the chest by a rather bony-teenage boy *cough, Sam, cough* and then I got stuck between Sam's legs and was pinned to the floor. And the last one was possibly the scariest experiance of my life. You try being pinned between Sam's open legs as a mass of girls pile on top of him. Not nice, I assure you. I think the exact thoughts running through my head went something like this "okay, let him down...wait...why am I between his legs? Ah crap, this is going to hurt!!" and then I bent myself in half.

It was good times, I promise you.

But today I was incredibly bi-polar. Like, more so than usual. I think it comes from being really tired. Which I am. So I think I'll end this post and take a shower and go to bed. Ah...bed...

On a food note, have you guys ever had Wheat Thins with tuna and cream cheese? It's some good stuff I tell you. We had a massive food orgy before we had to go onstage, and it was wonderful.

And for all those that don't know, I'm going to state for solo. It's exciting, and I'm hoping to be able to pull my German peice together, because it really is a GORGEOUS peice.

Alright, getting off.

Toodles!

-Jillian

I've sometimes wondered what the 10 commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Singing Time! I should have realized I was doomed when - in the very beginning of Primary - Noah (Raage's 12 yr. old brother) hears my name, recognizes who I am, and gets this smile on his face. Thats was it. I was going to fail.

Actually, it wasn't all that bad. Jr. Primary was a bit scarier than Sr. Primary. Hunter was a little pill, I'm glad I wasn't in charge of him. He's cute though, especially when he was chewing on his tie. There was this little boy who kept raising his hand for everything I asked, even when he had no idea what I was saying. They got a little rambunctious at the end - after all, there are only so many times you can sing "Follow the Prophet" without feeling completely bored; especially when you're 5.

Sr. Primary we talked more about Prophets like Adam and Noah. None of them knew about Enoch, which made me try and remember when I learned about him. We had a vocabulary lesson too. The only bad part when I felt like I didn't quite know what to do was when Adam was leading the group marching around the room and he took off running and some of the kids with shorter legs were getting tangled with the chairs because they couldn't go that fast. I just stood there and kept singing. That was my motto for the day. Just keep singing.

But yesterday was really fun, if slightly boring and long. And I think the world was out to get me too. I lost my Carmex five or six times, (oh, and for those that don't already know, I actually LOST my Carmex...meaning I don't know where it is. I misplaced it before I went to bed last night and had to go get my other one back from Raage because my lips were dying. *sigh* I think that Carmex just hated me...and I know Jeff and Mollie are probably laughing hysterically right now...), my pants kept trying to fall off, I had to run from the performance room to my singing time and was consequently out of breath when I started my ridiculously fast aria, I yanked my earing and caused myself great pain by doing so, ate Macaroni off an old-persons menu that made me nauseated, ate a DISGUSTINGLY huge waffle-cone that took me about an hour and a half to eat and also made me sick, lost my water-bottle somewhere in Hermiston High School, dribbled ice cream down my front, made my back hurt, and dented a car. Anything else? Mollie? Jeff? Isha? Did I leave anything out? I don't think so.

But there were some equally good things that happened too. Congratulations MaeLee and Bern for going to State! Me and Jeff and Mollie are all alternates, which is awesome, and Isha did well too. We didn't get to hear how Maegan did, since the phone cut out before we could tell, so I'll be able to know tomorrow. And I have to admit that everytime I hear "I'm Every Woman" I'm going to think of Jeff and the ride home. And every time I eat crepe's I'm going to think of Mollie nearly squirting milk out of her nose. And the whole "I'm going to be a lake" thing.

Good times, good times.

But I'm super excited for Spring Break! Everything's falling into place perfectly! And I know I'm incredibly stupid for getting this excited about going down to Salt Lake, but seriously, it should be sweet. Conference, AH! It's exciting!

And I'm really tired right now, which is weird since it's not even 8 yet. But I really want to go to bed and there's not anything stopping me besides the fact that I know I could be doing something right now, like homework or cleaning or knitting or reading or learning something interesting. But I'm too lazy. So I sit here and type about nothing.

Track is fun. The musical is coming along. Drama is constantly there, but I think that's a token part of High School. Sleep would be nice. So would eating food at a normal time or seeing my family in the light. But we do what we can.

Toodles!

-Jillian

It looked ugly...like a crushed Cheerio!

So, today's been interesting. Fun, but interesting. Well, sorta. Besides Meghan being a Kamikazee, the thing during lunch, flunking a Calculus test, realizing I'm completely unprepared for the Bio test on Friday because I always write notes to Meghan in that class, and Cletus being a complete PAIN (literally...) it was pretty good. We didn't even have to run the mile in P.E! Instead we watched some football movie. It was actually somewhat funny.

Oh! And I made two funny puns today. The first was directed towards Brittany Rasmussen. We were throwing Javelin's and she's being stupid and doing cartwheel's out in front of where me and Becka were throwing, and Becka's like "get out of the way unless you want to be run through with my Javelin!" and I was like "Yeah, because then you'd be Brittany Speared." And then we were talking about straight plays and musicals and I was like "Hm...if plays are straight, what does that make Musicals?"

Yeah, I thought they were funny. But I have a feeling I might be the only one.

Mr. Jacobson laughed at the musical joke though. Then I threw a Cheerio at him, which I later crushed.

A moment of silence for my lovely processed wheat circle with a slight honey flavor.

Alright, now that THAT'S over, I'm going to record an Ode I've written, for the sake of posterity. Oh, and for all the many guys who read my blog (ha...fat chance...) you might not want to read this. It might be all too shocking!

Ode to Cletus

-(to the tune of "Genovia" from the film "The Princess Diaries")

Oh uterus

I want to pull you out!

Oh uterus

Oh uterus!

When you hurt

I want to give a shout!

But I think I'm now going to write Mr. Jacobson a death threat signed by Cletus. I think he would enjoy that. And by he I mean Mr. Jacobson.

Oh, and speaking of naming. I think I'm going to name my javelin Apollus. I think maybe only Raage will know where I got that name from, but for the rest of you, it's because Becka told me I look like a Roman when I throw. How she knows how a Roman looks, I don't know, but I guess that's okay. I'm sure there are some pretty hot Romans out there. And again, Raage may be the only one knowing who/what I'm referring to.

Okay, so I'm incredibly tired, and my body's still sore, but I'm getting used to it. But I think I'll take a shower and go to bed. I'm supposed to go walking with Meghan tomorrow. But don't worry Beckah! You're still my 6 o'clock pre-work-out make-out partner! My one and only!

Toodles all!

-Jillian