Biography

I don't like biographies. I realize most people who know me will think this is odd. After all, I love reading and I love history, so theoretically speaking those two things go together to form a biography, yes? Well, here's the deal. Most biographies suck.

I'm learning this through many attempts to read them and many attempts have left me bored after the first 50 pages. Yes, I do try and endure through the first 50 in hopes it will pick up or that I'll be drawn into it somehow. Unfortunately, the last few attempts I've made haven't worked.

It seems that I try to forge through the first few pages, only to be bogged down by the author's self-importance and ridiculous vocabulary. They always pretend to be the "true"account of this persons life, when in reality, they never really tell you much about the life so much as they interpret it and tell you the importance of certain events. And I am so not okay with that. Tell me the events in context of the life and I'll interpret them for myself, thank you very much.

I read my first biography when I was...9? However old you are when you're in the 4th grade. But it wasn't until I read "John Adams" by David McCullough that my love of biographies was rekindled.

I love David McCullough. He manages to present a life in an articulate, intelligent way without overwhelming his reader with too much minute detail or over-dramatic verbiage. He presents the person and their flaws without excusing or exploiting them. It's a rare gift that I think comes when you actually enjoy learning about the subject you are writing as opposed to enjoying presenting them.

So, what this means is, despite the fact that I would love to read a good biography about Bobby Kennedy, I'll put the bad version I have aside to read a biography written by McCullough about President Truman - a man who I have no intense desire to learn about so much as I desire a good biography to read.

That being said, I have 1776 on request through interlibrary loan. I'm waiting to get an e-mail telling me it's arrived any day now. I'm so excited! Until then, though, I shall endure through whatever it is I'm reading. I can't even remember it right now.

Toodles!

Right now...

Right now I'm missing simple things. I'm missing wide open skies that are scattered with stars. I missing good friends and good conversation. I'm missing the feeling that you're so small but so in touch with everything around you. I miss being able to go somewhere and be by yourself.

Right now I'm missing what makes me, me.

Things I've Been Told...work edition!

"You are so beautiful, on Facebook. I mean, you're pretty in real life, but on Facebook you're just so gorgeous! I don't know if it's your eyebrows or if you're just posing or what, but you're really gorgeous in some of those pictures!" - A girl from work.

How are you supposed to respond to that? I know she meant it as a compliment as we're friends and get along really well, but it made me laugh nonetheless. I suppose it could be due to the fact that, oh, I don't know, I wear a man's button down shirt, tie, ugly black pants and mailman shoes while I'm at work. It doesn't really flatter my figure or my face all that much, especially when I have my hair pulled back all the time and don't understand the point of putting on lots of make-up when I'm just going to sweat it off.

"You have a fantastically cute smile! Doesn't she just have the best smile girls?" "Oh, yes," "So adorable" "So straight and white." - Random table of ladies

Thank you, ladies. My parents paid good money for them.

"How old are you sweetie?" "Oh, I'm 22." "Oh...well, that's not bad. My son's getting back from his mission in a year or so, and I'd just love for him to meet a cute girl like you. Do you think you'll still be working here then?" - Yet another random lady, but at a different table

Thanks ma'm. Oddly enough I might still be working here then, but please don't bring your son in. Not only is he at least 2 years my junior, that would just be awkward, especially as you know nothing about, except that I'm "so cute" and keep your coke and bread refilled.

And last, but certainly not least:

"You know, I never knew how to go about saying this before, but since you're broken up now, whenever you used to post things on Facebook about how wonderful and cute your boyfriend was, I always used to think 'she's way too cool and hot to be with just one guy. That's just a waste.' I wanted to write that on your things when you said that, but I didn't think it would go over too well." - One of the hostesses

Can you see why it's my favorite? I just thanked her and, once more, laughed, because oddly enough I'd gotten that one before. I consider this more of a compliment to the guys I actually date, as they've obviously got to be pretty awesome :)

Now, I hope you all go out and think twice about the nice but possibly very awkward things you say to people while at work or at a restaurant.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Itching in my skin...

I have something I need to accomplish. I'm not sure what it is, but the past few nights I've just been itching out of my skin, like there's something in my life that's unfulfilled, something I need to do to feel completed, comfortable, and able to rest.

I'm not sure what it is, of course. If I did then I would just do it and I would be fine, I'd feel content.

I'm wondering if I should ignore this feeling and force myself to be happy or if I should accept it and figure out what it is that's eating me.

It's quite possible I'm just hungry. I've been horrible about eating the past week or so and that could be making me antsy. ...maybe. I do not know. I know I'm hungry, I just don't want to eat, and I don't really want to cook, so the result is I eat maybe one meal and munch on a few cookies during the day, and that's that. I know I should probably change this habit, but I have no real desire to.

Anyway, I think I'm going to force myself to go to bed since I have to wake up for class tomorrow.

Any suggestions on what I should attempt to feel less anxious would be greatly appreciated :)

-Jillian

"Do human beings ever realize life when they live it? Every, every minute?" - Our Town

I was fortunate enough to get see a brief part of a lightening storm tonight. I was with my friend Cameron and we'd just made a run to the store for some junk food before we settled in for the night to watch Will & Grace. I really wanted to climb onto the roof of their condo and watch the sky continue to light up, but Cameron wanted to get started with our marathon as we usually watched 4-6 episodes and that could take a while.

But, luckily for me, he got distracted on the computer and I ducked out the window. I wasn't planning on it. At first it was just my head out the window, smelling the wind as it blew the storm closer to Provo. Then I swung my legs over the windowsill, feeling the rough tiles under my toes, and eventually, I slid my body out onto the raked roof.

The wind was whipping the trees around, blowing old leaves and dried out seadpods and cotton in random patterns. They would go one way, then the other, as the storm closed in on the town. The smell was amazing, a mix of fresh rain and old dust, and the sky was cut wide by bright flashes of electricity. Some would get caught behind the clouds, illuminating the sky in a vibrant white purple glow that silhouetted the trees and the mountains on my right. A few seconds after the light would come the sound, crackling and building as a force from far away slowing rumbling to its climax.

All the while the wind hissed through my ears, blowing my hair over my bare shoulders, stroking my bare legs, whipping me with little pieces of debris from the approaching storm.

As I sat there I thought "this is my life. I am living this right now." And I was suddenly so grateful to my Heavenly Father to be placed on this earth at this moment in time to experience this beautiful occurrence. And I was sad for all those who couldn't feel what I was feeling, those who couldn't see the beauty in a storm. Those who couldn't see God in every raindrop.

We get so caught up in the mundane parts of everyday life. If rain happens we worry if we rolled up the windows, mourn the loss of our barbecue, become frustrated because we'd just washed the car. We gloss over the beauties we see without a second thought.

A friend once asked if I thought Heavenly Father made beautiful things on purpose or if they just happened naturally during the creation. Personally, I think He made them on purpose as a reminder to us narrow-sighted humans that He is there all around us. To me, a waterfall, a mountain, a rainbow, they're all testaments of God's love, just like that lightening storm. A sort of heavenly hug, where, for a second, we can see the beauty and omnipotence of God.

"It's like God's looking right at you, just for a second, and if you're careful...you can look right back." - American Beauty

A less artistic Post Secret

Here are some less than stellar facts about me:

I get really upset sometimes

I'm demanding

I have a jealous streak

I'm impatient

I want to know everything.

If I don't get something I want it frustrates me to no end

I need constant validation

I'm argumentative

I need to vent

I'm afraid of failure and rejection

I hate sharing information that makes me vulnerable, especially when I don't know what the person I shared it with is feeling

I need to be wanted

I have this tendency to say things I'm feeling, then wish them unsaid

I'll push someone away so they won't do it to me first

I'm afraid of admitting what I want for fear of not getting it, or worse, of getting it and discovering it's not actually something I wanted

I still don't know exactly what love is