Spring Break 2010

So.

Here's what I'm thinking. I'm supposed to write a paper for my PoliSci class about a policy that I want to have changed. When I heard about this assignment I knew exactly what policy it was that I wanted to change. It's a policy that's driven me insane the past two years, and that's the fact that BYU doesn't have a spring break.

I've talked to different professors about this and they all say the same thing. Around the 2nd week in March attendance drops off and those that do attend class look like zombies and participate less in class discussion. Around the end of March attendance picks up again, discussion continues and things go back to normal.

I've come across many reasons why BYU doesn't have a spring break and some of them have more validity than others. I've heard that we used to have one but because so many students got into shenanigans that were not honor code approved that they did away with it. I've heard they leave out the break so we can end our semester earlier and allow for more time at internships and jobs during the break. I've heard that because so much goes on on our campus that isn't school related (for instance, Education week which overruns this place for one week every summer) the academic schedule just doesn't allow for students to take a break off while still maintaining it's accreditation.

What I want to know is if those reasons outweigh the mental and physical benefits that would come to both students and professors if we had a break? Even just two days off around Easter or conference so students could go home or just relax for a day or two without having to worry about the next assignment that's due.

Another problem raised is that midterms happens right before the spring break should be, meaning that finals come faster and sooner than they would at any other academic institution. This causes HUGE burnout.

So.

What I'm doing right now is looking at what it takes for BYU to be accredited and how much pushing back our graduation dates and such by one week would really affect internship opportunities. Also, I need to figure out exactly who to address this problem to.

One thing I discussed with my professor is instead of labeling it as a "Spring Break" we labeled it as a campus wide service week. Classes are canceled and opportunities are set up on campus for those who choose to stay here, there are excursions to other cities and states (like Utah's Alternative Spring Break) set up through the school so students are able to branch out and experience other demographics and problems than you'd typically find here in Provo and the Happy Valley. Or, of course, if students choose to go home they can perform X amount of service (say, 10 or 15 hrs for the week) of their own choosing in their home town.

One of the aims of a BYU education is to provide students with the ability to serve and develop skills that could be useful in life. Unfortunately, a lot of students - due to time constraints between work and school - aren't able to take full advantage of the service organizations. By canceling classes for that week it alleviates those problems. Also, it creates something impressive to add to a resume for those who are planning on moving on to grad school.

Convinced? Cuz I am. :)

Ode to my body

Dear body,

Thank you so much for being amazing, even after I'm so mean to you. I don't take you out for walks and runs as often as I should, I don't stretch you often enough, don't give you enough water, and stuff far too much sugar inside of you. Thank you for sticking through it all. I promise to do better in the future and treat you like the gift you are.

-Jillian

Factoids.

Fact:

Don't be a ridiculously demanding table in a restaraunt and tip your server - who did EVERYTHING you asked - for $6 on a $75 check. If you can't afford more, don't buy that extra appettizer and giver her the $7 you would've spent.

Fact:

While spring is beautiful and wonderful the allergies that accompany it are not. Especially when combined with copious amounts of sugar. Said combination can lead to a migrane which will lead to large intakes of caffeine which will lead to you having the shakes and an inability to sleep.

Fact:

It's not a good thing to look at your bank statement and go "wait...what is that charge for? When did I buy something THERE?" only to realize you bought something in a half-concious state at 6 in the morning. Or when you're out with one of your gays.

Fact:

Motivation can sometimes be a mindset. Like finding the motivation to shower. Sometimes you feel it, sometimes you don't. I think this should probably be felt more than twice a week.

Fact:

Sometimes you just need to sing. Sometimes you just need to dance around in your underwear with your I-pod on. Sometimes you need to text your boyfriend that while dancing in your underwear you danced into the wall of your hallway. Again.

Fact:

Very few people comment on my blog. Mostly because the people who read it and would comment on it decide to text or call me instead of writing anything. So the comments I get are usually some guy trying to sell me Viagra from Canada. Which, in case you haven't noticed, isn't really helpful to me.

Fact:

Blogging can be a way to avoid homework. As long as it serves its purpose.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Emotionally Hungover...

Happy is the heart that still feels pain
Darkness drains and light will come again
Swing open your chest and let it in
Just let the love, love, love begin...

It's funny. At BYU I encounter a lot of people who force themselves into feeling more for people than they do just because they're so in love with the idea of being in love.

I'm the opposite.

I often talk myself OUT of caring for people. I'm actually quite good at it. I self-destruct usually a week or two after I realize feelings are reciprocated, showing them my insane side, finding any possible flaw or problem and exacerbating it until I convince myself and the other person that it's just not supposed to work out.

This is a hard thing to do, believe it or not. I do it to defend myself from possible hurt, but by the time I do this I've already developed feelings for the person so alienating them is actually painful to me. But I tell myself that this was going to happen eventually so it was probably better that it happened when I was less attatched than more.

Logical, yes?

And completely insane and masochistic.

I'm on an Ingrid Michaelson trip right now (hence the above lyrics) and I feel this describes me well:

She says you're a masochist for falling for me
So roll-up your sleeves...
And I think that I like her
Because she tells me things I don't want to hear
Medicinal tongue in my ear

When will it stop, when will it stop?

When will I feel all soft on the inside?

You say my skin feels like nobody else's
Like it's different somehow
But I don't understand
Isn't a hand just a hand?

When will it start, my broken part?

When will I feel all soft on the inside?

She says you're a masochist for falling for me...

I don't want anyone to suppose I do this for the specific purpose of protecting myself, though that is a large part of it. I've been exposed to a culture where people believe themselves to be in love easily and make decisions - BIG decisions - based on those simple feelings. I suppose in my mind if I put those feelings to the test and break them before they become too strong I'll be able to make sure I never have to turn to someone and tell them I'm out of love with them because I didn't understand what love was. Tell them I lied to them and led them on and oh, so sorry.

I tend to be a little gung-ho about this. Hence why I feel that anyone who develops feelings for me is a masochist. I'll be hot one minute and cold the next, be the most doting girlfriend in one conversation and then smash them to the wall five minutes later.

The real questions is, I suppose, what do I actually want? Behind all these habits and defenses, what are my actual desires? I guess I'm still figuring those out.

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
And what if I'm not what you think I am?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win?
And chase you with a rolling pin?
Well, what if I do?

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up...

You told me about Captain Hook

And all of his men

Who followed Peter with a hook replaces as his hand

In those tales bad guys seldom did win

So the captain was eaten, and Wendy had twins

Well, that's the story as I recall

But I may have made up the end

Don't remember much at three feet tall

except for when I'd say,

Mom,

Let me go to Never Neverland,

Let me fly for one day

Throw that fairy dust in my hair

So I pretend I'm flying away

I'm flying away

Well, to my surprise I grew up too fast,

and that easy life of tinkerbell, it never did last

So I'd silently dream myself far far away

Where I could be immortalized like Peter one day

And that's my childhood as I recall

Though in some ways it never did end

And now I'm standing, well, a little bit taller

Except for when I say

Mom,

Let me go to Never Neverland,

Let me fly for one day

And throw that fairy dust in my hair

so I pretend I'm flying away

I'm fying away!

And though life is never easy

As we as children read in the book

Where fairy dust can just fly you so far awy

And all I ask is that you leave me my imagination

Where I can pretend I'm flying away

I'm flying away, and that is where I'll stay

Right there in Never Neverland

I'll be flying, I'll be dying

For love, appreciation

Where mermaids would sing and fairies would ring

Right down there in Never Neverland

And it's second to the left and straight on until morning

Or was it second to the right and straight on until morning?

In Never Neverland

My Never Neverland

Expressions

This...has been an odd week for me. I don't know how else to describe it. I find I describe things better in words when my brain if functioning on sleep and that I can describe my emotions and feelings better through music and drawing when I'm tired. And as I'm running on 10 hours of sleep for the past 2 days, I choose this picture:

I drew it yesterday while I was soaking up some sunlight on rape hill. It was such an awesome experience.

And now it's snowing. What. The hell.

I hate when I can't express myself through words. To me that's the epitome of frustration, when you can't explain something adequately because the words don't exist, or - even worse - you don't know exactly what you're trying to express.

I guess that's really what my problem was growing up and the one I continue to struggle with today. I have so many people around me who are able and more than willing to listen to my problems but I've always felt afraid to burden them with my troubles or express an vulnerable emotion to them.

Except now I'm wondering if it isn't the fear of being a burden or exposing myself so openly to someone as it is I don't know how to verbalize my feelings. When people ask what's wrong, I don't think they realize I give them an accurate response most of the time when I say I don't know.

I'm a fairly independent person. I try not to attatch myself too horribly strong to any one person and I can get myself out of almost any situation I get myself into. I know how to get things done.

That being said, I need advice and opinions and people in my life. I have to talk through my feelings and thoughts to understandy why I am the way I am and feel the way I feel. I can sometimes achieve that through writing - hence the blog and journal I keep with me at all times - but sometimes writing just doesn't cut it. Sometimes I need someone to ask me the questions I'm afraid to ask myself or to take what I'm saying and peice it together for me because I'm too close to the situation and emotions to understand it all. Sometimes I just need someone who'll sit with me and hold my hand or play with my hair while I struggle to discover things for myself.

And that's why I don't do that very often with people. When they ask what's wrong and what they can do to help I don't think they realize exactly how much they'd be in for if I took them up on their offer. This isn't to say that none of them would be up for it. I think most of my close friends and family would be fine playing psychiatrist to me, at least every once and a while. It's just that sometimes it's neither the time nor the place for a long winded psychological evaluation.

That being said, I took an interesting surve today on how my 'social needs' are being met by BYU. Ad I realized they're not. And maybe it's because I don't allow it too or maybe I allow my prejudices to blind me to the potential of my fellow students. But it's just sometimes I can't help but feel that the average BYU student doesn't look beyond what social events they're planning on attending for the evening or if their boyfriend of two weeks is going to propose.

Like today, we finished a service project and were hanging out at one of the guys' apartments eating the refreshments and two of the roommates started talking. The synopsis of the story is one of the guys went on a date last night with girl 1 and was supposed to go on a date tonight with girl 2, but girl 2 ditched on him. So the other roommate was like "dude...ask girl 3" (obviously, he used a name, I just can't remember it right now) and the first guy was like "Oh...yeah...I like her. Will you put in a good word for me?" and thus continued the conversation.

It was weird for me. And I don't know why it bothers me. Actually, yes, I think I do. BYU gets a bum wrap for being a school all about finding an eternal partner and forming eternal units and being a light to all the other people in the world with our familial stability and intellectual correctness. And you know what, I can understand that. Surely there are those who go here who don't have the mindset of "Oh no, I'm graduating from BYU in a year and I'm not married yet, what am I going to do?" but we tend to blend more into the background.

I'm sure there are those who actually think about political and social issues and decide what they believe instead of just assuming every word coming from the mouths of professors or the Daily Universe or other political pundits. But again, when you feel like a minority in an incredibly homogenous group of people it's easier to find a social network that's not sponsered by BYU. Which is why, in my free time (all 7 hours of it that I have a week) you'll find me hanging out with my gays or up in Salt Lake discussing politics, relationships and life outside of college with my girls at a brewery. It's just that whenever I attend BYU functions I feel so...ostracized and contaminated at the same time.

But I suppose this is hypocritical of me. I'm judging these people and I don't know them. It just weirds me out when people start a conversation with me by asking the same standard questions: What's your major? Are you dating anyone? How serious is it? What does he do? (and you know they ask that because they want to know if his profession will help support a family). I try and keep those conversations as superficial as possible (because that's what you do at Ward functions, form superficial relationships where you're always happy to see the people) and avoid making any political comments or talking about my actual feelings on relationships. I just smile and nod a lot. Oh, and comment on their clothes and shoes. And their hair too. That much back-combing takes time and effort. You just try not to stir the pot.

So yes, that stereotype of BYU exists and it survives and thrives because the students allow it and perpetuate it!

There must be a reason why I'm at BYU. I just have to figure it out.

Toodles.

-Jillian

Most recently I've been noticing awkward words in very public places. Except they don't really exist. Like my friend had some kind of rotating billboard thingy on her blog and while it was flipping from one part of a saying to another I had the words "dancing" and waiting" merge in my mind and create the word "farting."

I found this an awkward word to have flashing on a fairly feminine well-put together blog. I then dedicated all of my attention (well, as much as I can usually give at one time, probably around 80%) and realized I'd misread it. And thrown some extra letters in there, just for good measure.

This happened the other day on a license plate. It said "boots" and to my quickly flitting eye I thought it said "boobs." Oddly enough, this was less disconcerting than seeing "farting" on my friends blog. Apparenlty I expect total strangers to have the word "boobs" plastered on their car.

I need to stop staying up to all hours writing papers. Thank heavens for the 7-11 down the street. Though I'm noticing that some skeevy people hang out there starting around the weekend. Meaning tonight. I should probably stick to my late night walkings with poli-sci papers which are typically due on Wednesdays. No creepers are there on Tuesdays.

But you know, as awesome as it would be to someday master this inability to focus and do things more than say, oh, I don't know, 12 hours before they're due, I don't know if I will ever be able to accomplish that. This does not bode well for history 490. Hello Senior Capstone paper. I might need more than 12 hours and 64 oz of Mt. Dew for that one...

Le sigh...anyway, time to B.S. a bibliography. I don't even know how to cite a scientific paper. I don't write these things...

Toodles!

-Jillian

Spark of Creation...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vk-da4405o0

Everyone should watch this video. I love it. Love, love, love. Not only is Natalie Weiss amazing, she's singing one of my all-time favorite songs. So enjoy world.

Toodles!

-Jillian

The inner-workings of Jillian while writing a paper

I thought some of you might find this entertaining, so here...

11:15 should be starting on paper. Too busy thinking about night with Stanley to focus.

11:29 I'm giving up. Going to get Mt. Dew and SmartPop from 7-11 down the street

11:49 Hmmmm...it would seem silly to start the paper before midnight at this point. Might as well wait until then. Hello Facebook!

11:58 Stanley made it home safe. Now he can help me with some of the citations on my paper. Hooray!

12:21 Not finding many references on the bill I'm looking for. I need specific figures to make the point I need.

12:24 Just found out Stanley apparenlty wrote the speech I'm supposed to be citing. Wow. Really should have done more research for the paper while he was actually with me and not falling asleep 40 miles away in Salt Lake.

12:42 bored with eating Smartpop, moving onto leftover quiche

1:02 I've become massively distracted reading about some of the other bills coming up before the legislature. They're contemplating cutting the 12th grade? REALLY? Who ARE these people?

1:14 Okay, focusing on writing the paper. I just need to get started, than the ideas will flow forth from my fingers like brilliance!

1:20 I'm thinking I maybe should have actually read an op-ed piece before I attempted to write one. Oh well. Too late now.

1:36 Perfect! I figured out the points I want to make! I love it!

1:54 Uh-oh, out of Mt. Dew. I'd better get this done before I have to walk down to the 7-11 again. This time I might give in and buy Laffy-Taffy

1:56 So the paper's supposed to be 700 words. The introduction alone is 200. I'm screwed.

2:01 What if I choose to emphasize in American history, focusing on the evolution of women's role in society? I think that would be cool, albeit completely unrelated to my task at hand.

2:19 Okay, covered topic number one and am almost halfway to my word limit. This essay may need some cropping at the end of the day...

2:22 Sometimes I don't understand the formatting on my computer. It likes to jump between double and single spaces all the time. Not cool.

2:33 Juuuuuuuust hit a wall. I'm hearing odd buzzings in my ears. I think I'm going to go wash my face and brush my teeth then return to keep plugging away.

2:44 Back and feeling a little more awake. And good news! I'm moving on to the third of three issues and I'm only at 350 words! Yay! I may be able to do this yet!

2:47 I somehow just managed to erase my entire paper. Thanks heavens for the undo button! I was scared there for a few seconds when the entire screen went blank.

2:50 I wonder how my parents would feel about this paper. Not only am I saying the federal government should have power in this instance, I'm also fighting for gun-control. Hmmm...Rush Limbaugh would be so disapointed, not to mention Glenn Beck.

3:06 I've officially made all my arguments, however lucidly, and have 25 words until I've reached the low point of my word count. All I have to do is conclude the paper in 25-225 words and I'll be okay. Sometimes, things just work out, ya know?

3:13 I forgot there were some points I wanted to make. Now I have to go back and re-vamp some things but I'm worried in my half-dazed state what I write won't make sense. Half the time I think it's brilliance the other half...well...less than brilliant.

3:33 I really need to stop writing. I'm 11 words away from my limit.

3:42 Start working on works cited page. Yay endnotes!

4:03 finished with works cited page! Hurrah! I really wish I had my Hacker Handbook but I think I left it in La Grande. I'll have to pick it up when I come up in May.

4:10 re-read it. There are parts I definitely like and parts I most definitely don't like. Oh well. I'll re-edit it in the morning. The ending most definitely needs work and I might thin out the introduction as well since it's supposed to grab the reader.

4:13 Send essay to myself via e-mail to print off in the library in the morning...and by in the morning I mean in five hours...probably less than that since I'll have to reformat everything. And I still need to come up with a witty title...

4:18 Bed time. Praise Allah.

Sometimes I just wish I could hook my soul up to another person so they could understand what I'm feeling. I suppose understand would be an incorrect term. Empathize and actually KNOW what I was feeling and thinking. I hate that I have to try and explain what I'm feeling to people. It would be so much easier if they just knew my feelings the way I do.

I feel so inarticulate at times. Mostly though, I'm afraid that people will misinterpret what I'm trying to express. Sometimes - actually, more often then I'd like to think - I think I use words that make sense in my heard but other people find difficult to understand or comprehend why they apply in the context that I put them.

This is my current frustration.

It seems like no matter how much I talk about something none of the advice I get on the subject is actually applicable.

Maybe I don't understand the situation well enough, which prohibits me from expressing it in a way that's understandable to anyone else. This is also a viable option.

Communication through Lyrics

I love this song. Most of you should know it, but if you don't, it's from the musical "Songs for a New World" and it's brilliant. I think it can be interpreted in so many different ways. I highlighted my favorite parts, but as I said, everyone I've talked to about this song has felt a different way about it.

Jenny's afraid of water
I mean, she swims so well, but still,
She's afraid of water
And so she won't go near the sea.



Not me.



Katie's afraid of darkness.

I mean, she sleeps and all, but still

She's afraid of darkness

So when the lights are out she has to hold my hand.



I don't understand.



I'm not afraid of anything,
Be it mountains, water, dragons, dark or sky.
I'm not afraid of anything
Tell me, where's the challenge if you never try?
So watch me fly



I'm not afraid.



Daddy's afraid of babies.

I mean, he got through me, but now

He's afraid of babies.

Guess he's scared of what they'll be



Not me.



And Mama's afraid of crying
You know, she tries to hold it in
But she's afraid of crying.
And she looks at me with tears stuck in her eyes



And I don't know why.



I'm not afraid of anything
Be it growing old or going out of style.
I'm not afraid of anything
Who would give up what they want without a trial?
Another mile.

I'm not afraid



And I hear the calling of adventure,
And I hear the ringing in my ears
The lights are glaring,
Trumpets blaring
I'm right here!
And I hear the calling of tomorrow,
And I feel the stirring in my bnes
And David loves me
...He's afraid to hold me...



Listen to the calling of excitement!
Can you feel it pounding in my heart?
The lights are ready,
Pulse is steady,
I can start!



Never stop the calling of the challenge
Blessings on the water and the stone
And David loves me
...He's afraid to tell me.
David loves me.
...He's afraid to trust me.
...He's afraid to hold me
And he'll always be.



He's afraid of me...



And I'm not afraid of anyone!
I am sure to win with anyone at all
I'm not afraid of anyone
Not a soul alive can get behind this wall.
So let them call,
And let them fall,
Cause after all
I'm not afraid...