I am in love with a boy manufactered to destroy...

Another beautiful lyric from Ingrid Michaelson.

I was talking to Stanley yesterday and we were rocking out to Kelly Clarkson (I love me some Kelly!) when the song "Beautiful Disaster" came on. I've always had a very strong affinity to that song. I remember, very distinctly, walking down the senior hallway at LHS, right by Mr. Jones's math classroom, just past the auditorium, singing that song to myself and thinking "This song is about me, that's the kind of person I'm going to be with." I then realized what I thought and quickly corrected my sub-conscious, saying I was going to have a beautiful normal life.

...Right?

I've always felt - though I've never fully known or verbally realized - that I'm not going to have a cookie cutter suburban life. I wasn't going to be swept off my feet by an RM who also happened to be an Eagle Scout, helped old ladies cross the street, was the Elders Quorum President, refused to watch R-rated movies, hadn't kissed any other girls, and had never sworn in his life. I was not going to marry a Peter Priesthood.

I also think there are people in life who are supposed to help everyone around them solve their issues.

I am one of those people.

I've been told multiple times that I'm good to talk to. And I feel I am. I'm good at listening and asking the questions that get to the root of the problem. I am then good at analyzing said problem and finding a solution. And more importantly, I like it. I like helping people and hearing their stories and figured out why they are what they are.

Maybe because of this I've always been drawn to guys who have issues. Now, I know we all have issues. We're human, and being humans raised by two humans in a society of humans is enough to give you issues without throwing in issues of pornography, divorce, abuse, etc. But there are some people who, when I get to hear their issues, see how strong they are despite the obstacles they've had in their lives - it just makes me care about them so deeply. Usually they haven't solved their problems, they're just covering them up, but especially in those cases, their potential is enormous. I think a lot of the time I'm put there to help them solve their problems so they can reach that possible potential.

I suppose that's what I mean when I say I'm attracted to men who are interesting. Once I figure them out, find their ticks and how they work, I become bored because there's nothing I can help them with. There's nothing new and exciting to keep my attention.

That being said, another plague that drives me insane is the people who don't really want their problems solved. They vent constantly about the issues and I offer good and proper advice to help them out, but they don't take it. That's frustrating. I do not find that attractive.

Anyway, here are the lyrics to the song "Beautiful Disaster."

He drowns in his dreams

An exquisite extreme, I know

He's as damned as he seems

And more heaven than a heart could hold

And if I try to svae him

My whole world could cave in

It just ain't right

It just ain't right

Oh and I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I coul hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster?

He's magic and myth

As strong as what I believe

A tragedy with

more damange than a soul should see

And do I try to change him?

So hard to blame him

Hold on tight

Hold on tight

I'm longing for love and the logical

But he's only happy hysterical

I'm waiting for some kind of miracle

Waited so long

So long...

He's soft to the touch

But frayed at the end he breaks

He's never enough

And still he's more than I can take

Oh, 'cause I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster?

He's beautiful...

Such a beautiful disaster...

Post: Friday

So I thought about uploading my polisci paper and having you all read it, but I think that would just be embarrassing. I described that paper so beautifully by saying "if I took a crap in my hand, and smeared it on paper, it would be about as good as that paper."

I think it's a good visual.

The paper probably wasn't THAT horrible. It just could have been better. I made some decisions that led to the procrastination of my writing said paper until 11:30 the night before it was due. Around 3 I started on the bibliography. However, I do not regret said decisions that caused the procrastination. They were worth it. :)

That being said, I'm putting off the second part of my chemistry test. It's not horrible though. I'm almost halfway done with it, and I know at least a fourth of the next part is pretty simple.

I'm excited for the next few days. Tomorrow's going to be pretty busy. I have classes all day, then work, then GIRLS NIGHT!!! I'm so excited!! It'll be fun to get us all together again. If Em comes it'll be the first time we've all been together since the beginning of October - far too long in my opinion. Then, the next morning, Stanley and I are going to breakfast and then playing around in Ikea before I have to work that evening. I can't wait! I haven't seen the kid since Monday night so it'll be fun. Even if I had seen him since Monday it would still be fun, but this makes the anticipation even greater.

Work is interesting. There are still times when I really miss downtown. The people, the managers, people who are actually willing to buy alcohol. Those were good times. But there are some fun people here too. Now that things are finally getting back to normal with Expo-Boy Sean, it's been kind of fun. I model walked down the expo line today and snarfed left-overs in the back with Kristi. I'm joking around with - and by that I mean mocking - the managers. I'm even beginning to think that Dan, Sam, and Aaron don't look exactly the same. Which is progress, let me tell you. However, I am still dreading working Friday and Saturday nights. They are NUTSO. For reals. Last time I worked a Saturday night I had a five table section and kept getting double sat. It was not fun. I seriously almost cried like, 3 times. Once was when I looked over and realized I had a table of 4, 6, and 2 that were all sat at the same time. So yeah, I'm a little apprehensive about work this weekend.

Honestly though, life is teaching me so much right now. I can't even begin to describe how or what, but I can feel it. I can sense it in my head and my heart. It's been interesting meeting up with friends new and old and seeing the changes that have taken place in myself during the past few years. I'm much more honest now. I'm open and will talk about anything. I ask questions I would have been too afraid to ask before. I still struggle to figure out what I'm feeling, but I try and articulate it as much as possible. I'm realizing the disparities between my actions and words and feelings.

Yay American politics!

Here's my question: Why is this a legitimate prompt?

Many scholars refer to the U.S. Constitution as a "living" document. Many Latter-Day Saint and othe religious leaders refer to the U.S. Constitution as the product of divine inspiration. Compare and contrast these points of view. Are they consistent with each other? In other words, is it possible to have an inspired document that is also living? If so, why? If not, why not?

I feel that the answer to this prompt is obvious and am therefore having a problem answering it in a scholarly way.

Of course it's possible to be a living document and be divinely inspired! That's what scriptures are, duh! What do you think the fulfillment of the Law of Moses is about? The 10 commandments didn't become completel obsolete just because Christ came. They're still there. They're still quoted quite often in church. We just have a higher law now, a new interpretation of this divine commandment, this divine set of laws.

To me, modern revelation is only different from modern constitutional interpretation in that we have direct divine intervention in our interpretations. We don't have that luck with the constitution. I don't know about you, but I haven't had a chance to talk to James Madison anytime in the recent past. Constitutional interpretation is the non-religious equivalent to modern revelation and modern interpretation of scripture.

Also, it seems pretty obvious to me that a document that allows itself to be interpreted through over 2 centuries of intense technological and global change had to have some bit of luck with it that's not of this world. The fact that it even passed and was adopted seems miraculous.

So yes, this prompt seems fairly cut and dry to me. Now if I can just figure out how to word it while citing certain documents and not just pull from my own knowledge.

Toodles!

-Jillian

What the world needs more of is bacon. Not like Francis Bacon, but like BACON bacon.

I would like to divert all of your attentions to a new artist I'm slowly falling in love with:

Mary Anne Marino.

We saw her perform live yesterday at the Orion Music Festival and I was very well-pleased. Her songs are catchy and lyrically and musically interesting at the same. She's from the singer-songwriter genre, and her sound is...what? Probably Indie/Folk. Maybe a little pop, but only a very little.

Which also reminds me, if you have not yet been turned onto Ingrid Michaelson you need to be. She's brilliant. Favorite song of the moment:

You and I.

Though there is a close second, discovered last night at the festival (You wish to go to the fest-ival? The festival? The FESTival? The KINGS festival?):

Let's Get Married.

The chorus goes as follows

Let's get married, let's have babies
Let's go on holiday and watch late night T.V.
Build a house on a hill, with a porch and a swing
Maybe a cat and a dog and a coupla other things.

It's pretty much brilliant.

I would like to apologize for my current ramblings. I'm a little tired right now, on account of staying up all night. It seemed pointless to go to sleep for two hours only to wake up and go to class. So I didn't. However, I think I might eat my leftover Mexican food and take a nap. Mmmmm...sounds so good!

Toodles!

-Jillian

I can only play with one person a week. This week is not your week. Next week isn't looking very promising either.

I'm going to start this blog with a journal entry I wrote today during the poli-sci class I didn't pay any attention to. It's okay, he just lectured about how to write the paper that's due in two weeks. He gave us a hand-out and proceeded to pretty much read the entire thing...except with slides to demonstrate. Whatever floats your boat sir. I enjoy your lectures on the constitution but you're a little OCD about papers. I get it, write in MLA and don't sound like an idiot.

Anyway, now to the excerpt:

So part of me feels this need to define my feelings for him, and our relationship as well.

But then I stop and think, no, I don't NEED to define anything and neither does he. We can just be. If we kiss then we kiss. If we talk then we talk. If we date other people then we date other people. I think we both realize we're compatible and attracted to each other at least a little bit. Possibly more than a little bit, depending on the day. But I don't think either one of us is wanting or willing to change the plans we've set in motion so we can stop and have a serious relationship. Which I love.

Getting too serious too soon is the most guaranteed way to kill something that could be educating, exciting, and wonderful. And I think labeling relationships puts restrictions on people that they may begin to resent eventually. If you're happy with someone you don't need to find someone else, and more importantly, you don't WANT to. Yes, you're always going to be attracted to other people. But when you're happy with someone, really, really happy, being attracted to someone else isn't incentive enough to leave that person you're so happy and contented with.

So there it is, my thoughts on relationships. I think it's pretty accurate.

And now for some anecdotes of my life. Critter's been coming over to do homework over here at nights, just because it's easier to do it here than at his place. Apparently he gets less distracted. And I usually feed him. But yesterday, he runs back to his house to grab his graphing calculator for me (stupid Chemistry...) and while he's out there he runs into Joe, our landlord. So they're talking and Joe goes "So, not that it matters much to me, but I've got to ask. Are you guys just friends or something else?"

So not only does our ward think we're dating, now our landlord thinks so too! Haha, of course Critter told him we were just friends, but it still makes me giggle.

Another funny story. With my new I-Pod I downloaded a program that, when I push a certain button, tells me what song is playing. It's a little ghetto and the woman's voice they choose is a little creepy. But the best part is, I've been listening to a lot of Regina Spektor lately, and today while I was printing off an Anthropology paper I kept accidentally hitting the button. But that's not the funny part. The funny part is she says Regina like RagIna. Which is funny, yes? Yes. So I'm laughing to myself the entire walk to the JFSB and all these happy BYU students look at me and smile thinking, "My, that girl is just so happy! I should be happy too!" Little do they know exactly what's making me happy. Baha.

Which brings me to my next funny story. So Stanley and I decided to go to the MOA yesterday (it was AWESOME by the way, in case anyone was wondering. I LOVE the museum here! They always have such interesting exhibits) and on the way there he was telling me this story he was feeling very emphatic about. So as he's talking his voice is getting louder and louder, and as we're walking across the parking lot, almost to the doors, he just projects quite loudly (it wasn't quite a yell) "I mean, what the HELL!?" And this old man, probably around 85 or 90 years old, who's walking slowly across the MOA sidewalk with the aide of some woman, probably his great-great-great-granddaughter, and his cane, turns and gives Stanley and I the dirtiest look you have ever seen. He seriously stops his movement, loosing all the momentum he'd gained in the past few steps, and turns halfway around so he can give us a crusty.

It was hilarious. We tried not to laugh until we were out of earshot and Stanley manages to stammer out "Oh...I forgot we're on the Y campus."

It was so funny. I wish everyone a moment like it at some point in their lives. It was beautiful.

Another funny point (I thought I was funny at least) came to me during PoliSci. Someone mentioned using scriptures to reference - which makes sense considering the prompt - but then I start to imagine how to cite a reference from scripture.

Father, Heavenly. Book of Mormon Inter Younger, Alma T. Trans Smith, J.. Golden plates; 200 B.C.

Now, I realize there is a very specific format for citing religious texts in MLA format, but I think this is funnier.

By the way, I'm thinking of cutting my hair like this (note picture above). What do you think?

Alright, I'm off to go to the gym with Danica and do some Arabic homework.

Toodles!

Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Scholarships

So I'm sitting in the BYU library listening to this girl talk on her cell phone to her mother, I think. It makes me really happy to know there are other people like me out there. She's talking about how she speaks German and how in the German music she listens to they swear a lot but no one understands it except for her. She then proceeded to tell a story about how her roommates listen to soft-core pop and pop/country hybrid music and how they get upset when they hear a swear word in their language but couldn't care less if it's in another language. Baha.

So...this whole going back to school thing is interesting. I find walking through the massive crowds of people aggravating but interesting. Aggravating because I see so many people who are more or less the same - seriously. I saw three girls walking by each other who had the exact same hair color and only styled moderately differently. The coats are all the same, the boots paired with skinny jeans are all the same. It's like BYU had a uniform people studied while buying their college wardrobe.

Apparently I didn't get this memo.

However, it's interesting because I can't help but see these people and try to picture who and what they are. Every single one. I receive immediate impressions about them from their dress, if they're listening to an I-pod or not, how their hair is styled, how fast they're walking, how they react to the people around them.

I do this without thinking. This may or may not make me a complete freak.

So I need to take some pictures of my new apartment so I can post them on here.

That being said, I had the COOLEST day yesterday...except I left my camera and home and couldn't chronicle it. Which was probably a good thing because by the end of skiing Stanley and I looked like hot messes - hold the hot. He actually looked fine. His faux-hawk was a little wilted, but other than that he looked normal. I, however, had half-curly half straight hair, bloodshot eyes and make-up that was only half on.

It was awesome.

However, I now have more music in my collection, including some old favorites that I absolutely missed and needed to have, plus some new stuff too (love Jon McLaughlin, love!).

Except now I can't climb or descend stairs without some intense pain. Holy crap. I haven't felt like such a baby in a long time. We were only skiing for like, 50 minutes when I had to stop. Lame.

I have about, oh, 5 hours of homework to do tonight. That's all I'm planning for this evening, that and laundry. I haven't done laundry in a few weeks and the time is most definitely ripe. I just have to go to my interview meeting thing with Juan and Macaroni Grill and from there I will be studious and amazing. And clean. That way I can wake up and go to Arabic tomorrow at 8.

Boo.

Toodles!

-Jillian