Quick update!

So. The facts are these:

I have finished 1 of my 6 finals, meaning I have turned in 1 of my 3 12-page papers. Huzzah!

Tomorrow I have one written final and another paper to turn in. The paper is struggling, the final for that same class is still undecided as to what it's about or what format it's in, and I left the book I need to read for the final at Stanley's grandmothers house. Whoops.

Tuesday I work, edit/finish writing the final 12 page paper and study for the last final.

Wednesday, I turn that in, take the test and am DONE. Completely. I will have conquered this semester!

And, this time next week I will be back home in La Grande!

Oh, we also went to the symphony last night, which was hysterical and entertaining for several different reasons.

Alright now, back to work...

Junior Year, take 7

There are many reasons I like my boyfriend. Today, I am grateful for one (well...two) of them in particular.

First and foremost, he edits my papers and makes them better. I have this problem with my academic papers, see, in that I know all the information required to form a good argument and when I describe my arguments to people it's obvious I know what I'm talking about. However, when it comes to expressing them in written form I fail a little bit. So Stanley, being the wonderful, patient, supportive human being he is, will sit down with me and tediously edit my papers, asking "Okay, what do you mean by this?" and "Why are you changing persons here?" or "You see how this weakens your argument?" and making notes for me to go back and fix.

So it's wonderful because he's not just telling me what I'm doing wrong, he's helping me fix it and be more aware of it for later. And due largely to his wonderful (and last minute) editing abilities, I managed to get an A on my first big international relations paper. It made me rather happy, especially as the Junior and Senior dudes behind me who got their papers back at the same time started complaining about how hard this teacher grades papers.

So yes, that is reason one. The second reason is related in that when I sent him an essay to edit while he was still in Spain (Viva Espana!) he realized I didn't have Microsoft 7 and was, in fact, working on the very outdated Microsoft Works which made references such as footnotes and other formatting really difficult.

So what does he do? He find Microsoft Office for me to download to my computer. So now I am able to write papers without having to do things manually and can actually add endnotes and footnotes to my papers without having to haul myself (and all my reference books for that matter) up to campus so I can finish my papers. Which proved particularly helpful this last week with my Women's History paper where I ended up adding a page and a half of endnotes to a 7 page paper (it was supposed to be a 4-5 page paper...oops...).

Which reminds me. I should probably start in on my next paper so I can get it over and done with so I can enjoy myself and not think about all the homework I need to get done when I get to see him next.

Have a great day!

Toodles!

-Jillian

p.s. ONLY 2.5 WEEKS UNTIL THANKSGIVING BREAK!!!

Junior year, take 6

Qualitative Research Design - done

Women's History Midterm Essay - check

Weekly History Reading Paper - done-zo

Critique for Women's History Midterm Essay - dominated

Midterm for Tuesday - moved to Thursday

Midterm for next Tuesday - moved to 2 weeks from now

Historiographical Essay due Tuesday - cancelled entirely

Practice Assignment due Friday - moved to Monday

Sometimes...life is good. :)

Junior year, take 5

This is my 250th post, people. That's right. We're going on over 6 years with this blog

So...what's new in my life? Midterms. The return of the boy. That's pretty much it.

I know, my life is ridiculously exciting and you're all insanely jealous. But don't worry, I'm going to tell you about why you SHOULDN'T be jealous of my life right now. Namely what I have to accomplish in the next 9 days:

3 written midterms and 5 term papers. Now, granted, 3 of those terms papers are just rough

draft term papers, but they're supposed to be GOOD rough drafts. As for the midterms, 1 is multiple choice, 1 is essay, and 1 is a mix of both. So this could be an interesting week.

However, here are things you SHOULD be jealous about. For instance, I get to see HER:

That's right folks! Tuesday night Stanley and I get to head up to the Venue in Salt Lake and listen to Ms. Ingrid Michaelson bust it out. I'm seriously so excited I might pee myself.

Also, Thursday night we get to go see my friend Brock in the Scarlet Pimpernel at the Hale, which should be exciting. And then, to round things off, this Sunday is my sisters birthday so we're heading up to West Valley to make dinner for her and her husband and to have an evening filled with good food and lively conversation.

That and for Halloween I'm probably going to dress up as one of the managers from work WHILE I'm at work. I know, I'm stinking hilarious.

But, that being said, it's going to be a long, hard, tiresome week and a half for me. The light at the end of the tunnel is that after it's over I have a nice, fairly relaxed 3 weeks until things pick back up again for finals.

Now to just get to that point. :)

Toodles!

-Jillian

Junior year, take 4

This is me currently going insane...

...

...I'm a quiet crazy, because all the screaming goes on inside my head.

I had a dream last night that I forgot to do one of my papers that was assigned this week. It wasn't a real paper, as I'm not in a science class, but it definitely brought to light one of the major fears I've been harboring - that I'm going to miss an assignment and fail a class (and by fail I mean getting anything lower than a B-) and flunk out of school and become a worthless human being who can't achieve anything. Seriously. I woke up panicked and with a headache.

That being said, I have to finish up a book today so I can write a paper to turn in on Wednesday, I have to write (and research) a 3 page prospectus for IR which is due tomorrow, and then I have to do a 50 point article analysis for my PLSC 200 class due Wednesday as well. After that I have another prospectus due next week - this time for Hist 200 - a IR midterm, and a 300 page book to read during that period of time, as well as doing a practice assignment for Friday.

Oh yeah baby, this'll be fun.

All that pales, however, to the fact that Stanley is returning to the state of Utah on Thursday. That makes me go like this...



I'm not sure why, but I felt the need to refrain from writing screaming sounds as I'm in a quiet computer lab. Because that would disturb the other people?

Yeah...as I said, I'm tired. And my brain's a little fried.

Anyway, off to do reading!

Toodles!

-Jillian

Junior year, take 3

Sometimes I wonder how I lucked out in life. Honestly, I have a good job, a good family, good friends, a car that works ($700 later...) and the opportunity to go to school and further my education in a way that will enrich my life and the lives of those around me. I have (more than) enough food to keep me full, shoes for any occasion, and at least one amazing pair of ridiculously comfortable pants that I come home to every evening. I wake up to an e-mail from my best friend each morning and fall asleep each night with the best stuffed animal ever.

I am also currently eating an incredibly scrumptious turkey sandwich.

Could life get any better? Of course it could. But that doesn't mean that the here and now is all that bad, either.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Junior year, take 2

Dear Professors,

What is the point of saying "well...it's labor day weekend, I can assign extra readings, they have an extra day to do them" if you ALL do that?! I refuse to read 50 pages of small print for Women's history, 4 chapters in a grammar book as well as 60 pages in a writers handbook for political science WHILE reading and analyzing an article to write a paper on 2 days later. I refuse to read 200 pages in freaking Herodotus while reading a 200 page book on Romans and Christians in the 1st century CE. I'm sorry. I don't know where you think I'm going to procure this extra time from to read your ridiculous extra pages. I'm sorry your class is the only one you're focused on, because it's not that way for me. So you can take your 300 pages of extra reading I'm somehow supposed to fit into one day off - that, surprise surprise, I didn't actually have off, thank you Macaroni Grill - and shove it.

Thank you

-A student.

Junior year, take 1

So. Here's my life in a nutshell.

I'm working roughly 25 hours a week. Which is good. A girls gotta pay her rent, you know?

I'm taking 16 credit hours. But wait...these are not typical credit hours mind. This is not your "Introduction to Geology" or other uninteresting gen-eds you can slough your way through, possibly not even really needing to attend. Oh no. Here are my classes along with a brief description of what they are and what they require:

Let's start with the minor.

Polisci 170, Intro to International Politics: This is possibly my easiest class. You take 2 mid-terms and a final that include questions from the assigned reading, including the M-F editions of the NYT, questions over current events, and lecture notes. Also included in each test is a blank map you identify random countries on. We're not talking France or Australia, here. The last portion of the grade is a 10-12 page research paper describing a foreign policy we'd like to change, and why. This paper counts for 34% of our grade. However, you can attend extra-credit lectures every Thursday...which I plan on doing.

Polisci 200, Political Inquiry: I have this class labelled as "Death" on my notebook We meet for 3 lecture hours a week and then 1 lab hour on Friday, making this a 4 credit class. for each class period we meet I have about 20-50 pages of reading to do. We have sporadic quizzes during lectures and are required to do one in lab assignment a week, along with an in-lab quiz. Also, there are 12 larger assignments due throughout the 15 week course, including 2 research plans. This class also involves Statistics - which I'm sure you all know I love with every fiber of my being. We conduct our own political survey at the end of this class, as well as take a midterm and a final.

Now for my major requirements.

Hist 200, Historian's Craft: For every reading I do in this class (and don't worry, it's about 30-40 pages a class period) I get to write a 2 page journal about what it made me think about in the realm of historiography. Other than that, the class is fairly laid back. There are pop-quizzes in class that deal with the reading, a writing mid-term, a writing final, and a 10-12 page paper on a historical subject of our choosing. We are to turn in a mid-term draft of this paper as well as critiques of our peers papers.

Hist 385, U.S. Women's History: This class is quite nice, despite the fact it freaks me out not to know what, exactly, I have to do for this class. Basically you do the readings (again, roughly 50 pages a class period) and you come to class with thoughts and ideas and we discuss it. It looks as though the only things I have to "look forward to" in this class are a mid-term paper, roughly 10 pages on what looks to be Early American women as well as an overview of women in general throughout History (again, not really clear on that), and a final paper - which details are apparently forthcoming.

Hist 495, Topical Readings Seminar: This class scares me a little bit, just because of the fact it's so independently motivated. We meet once a week on Wednesdays, but during that week we are supposed to read a book, on average around 200 pages, and write a 2 page response to it as well as present a chapter in that book to the class. As this is a seminar class it involves lots and lots of discussion. Also, at the end of the term, we are to read at least 2 additional books and write a 15 page paper comparing and interpreting the historiography of those books. Once again, I'm graded on having a draft as well as turning in the final paper.

So yes...that's my class load. And it's not the classes themselves that scare me, it's the fact that, for the first time in my academic career, I'm actually going to do real work outside of class. I mean, I've done the late night google research required to write papers before, I might have even spent an hour or two studying or reading. But this? No...this is going to be my entire life for the next few months. I've pretty much already decided my social life will be limited to Stanley and a jam session every week, just because those things are necessary for my sanity. Everything else is just fun and makes me happy.

Happiness can occur when I'm done with this semester.

So, you may ask, why am I blogging when I should be doing homework? Well, I suppose it's because I just did 2 hours of reading (yay women's history!) and needed a break and since my focus was already broken from taking my van to the shop I figured now would be a good time. That way I could alert you all the to hiatus from blogging that will inevitably come with school starting.

Anyway, hope life is wonderful for all!

Toodles!

-Jillian

Time together isn't ever quite enough

I am not the most logical person at times. I am fully aware that I have this problem with following through with my thoughts all the way.

For instance...

Last Friday I thought my wallet had been stolen. Having gone through this before, I knew the drill and immediately went to Wells Fargo and had them cancel my debit card and close my account, as my account number had been in my wallet too. So they set up a new account for me, ordered me a new card, new checks, everything. I cancelled my other debit card too, and in the end I was glad I had gotten that part sorted out.

But lo and behold, what did I find the very next day? My wallet, sitting on my chest of drawers where I swear it had not been when I looked there the day previous. Not that I was horribly upset, I was glad I didn't have to contact the SSA to get that sorted out or have to get another license or BYU ID, not to mention the library and grocery store cards I had in there. And I have a strong affinity for the actual wallet as well. :)

Well, I worked my butt off this weekend and made enough money that I didn't feel comfortable walking around with it in my newly rediscovered wallet, so I go to the bank this morning to get the two accounts sorted out (yeah...telling the guy I'd found it was embarrassing, don't even worry about it) and deposited all my cash into my checking account.

This is where my lack of fully developed thought comes in.

I completely forgot the fact that, oh wait, I have almost no food at my house. I have rice. I have eggs. I have instant stuffing. That's pretty much it. No eggs, no milk, nothing. So I get back from the bank this morning feeling rather ravenous as I hadn't eaten for 20 hours, realize I have nothing to eat in my house and think "Oh, I needed to go grocery shopping anyway, might as well go now."

One problem though. I'd cancelled my debit card and I, being the genius I am, had just deposited all of my cash.

So what did I, the prideful, stubborn, independent yet resourceful college student do? I scrounged through my work apron and discovered $3.20 in coins and went to the store to buy a loaf of bread.

Since then I have had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and fried eggs on toast. Both were delightful and very filling and I feel like I can get on with my day now.

I'm moving right now. I'm actually quite excited about it. I love going to a new place, someplace that's fresh and blank, and making it my own. I have all of Wednesday and Thursday off, so I'm going to spend at least one of those days unpacking and organizing everything as well as decorating it and putting my mark on it so it feels more like home and less like a bed I'm just filling temporarily. Hopefully I'll spend the other day hiking, but we'll see what kind of progress I make as I want everything to be settled and set before school starts on Monday.

I am waxing a little nostalgic though. This house has seen some fun memories and I'm a little sad to leave the place behind, though I'm sure there will be many more made in the apartment next store.

And a post wouldn't be a post without at least one list.

Things that make me smile:

-Owl City, most specifically The Saltwater Room, Hello Seattle, If My Heart Was a House, and the Bird and the Worm

-Knowing I have tickets to go see Ingrid Michaelson

-E-mails from and talking to my best friend

-Going through my pictures and deciding which ones to print off to hang around my room

-Finding out I don't have to have all my stuff moved out and deep-cleaned for another 30 hours

-Thinking I might be pinpointing what's wrong with my car so I can get it fixed sometime in the future

-Knowing I'm working tonight so I'll actually be able to buy cleaning supplies

-The anticipation of shopping for school supplies

Who died and made you king of everything?

I don't like airports. Or maybe it's just that I don't like waiting in airports. I think that's probably the thing. I enjoy when I'm walking through airports, searching for and suceeding in finding my gate, realizing that all these planes are going to various and diverse places. Of course, then the fantisizing begins and I start to try and figure out how I can smuggle my person on one of those planes that's not heading to Boise, Portland, or Salt Lake.

But then there's the waiting. They say you should get here 2 hours early for a domestic flight, 3 for international. I'm not sure why this is, if it's the fear that going through the security checkpoints is just going to take so dang long that you're going to miss your flight, or if the fast food places have entered into a conspiracy to make you wait around the airport, bored out of your mind, for as long as possible to entice you to buy one of their incredibly overpriced and low-quality items. Which, come to think of it, I'll probably do here in about 45 minutes when my laptop no longer entertains me.

I just don't like it. And it's not that I don't like doing relaxing activities such as reading or surfing the net. It's just that I like to do them in the comfort of my own home and not when I have camera's watching me and my luggage like a hawk. I hate that I have to carry all of my bags with me whenever I go to the bathroom and then struggle to figure out where to put them while I'm in there. I hate that these waiting chairs are so gosh-darned uncomfortable and that sitting on them for too long makes my tailbone ache.

I think if I traveled with someone it might be more enjoyable. Then we could lovingly judge the people around us by playing games like "spot the ugliest pants" or "who has the ugliest shoes" and my personal favorite "what's up with THAT couple?" Or we could do a scavenger hunt through the stores for the ugliest souvenir. Those are fun games to play, but just aren't quite the same by yourself.

That being said, I am currently watching "Lost" in an airport, right before I'm going to board my plane. That seems masochistic, even to me, but hey, as I said, I'm bored. The 20 minutes it took me to check in and go through security went by way too fast. But it's either watch "Lost" or organize my I-tunes library, as I'm saving reading my book for the actual plane ride. And while I do enjoy organizing my I-tunes I'm not quite in the mood for it, as it tends to constipate my computer.

That being said, I want a candy bar. Or possibly gelato. But mostly a candy-bar. Probably a Milky Way. Or Milky Way gelato. That would easily solve my indecision. However, as this is the Boise airport, I don't think they have gelato here. Sad face.

The flight's delayed, so I'm looking at not loading for another hour or so. Oh well...I've still got 20 minutes left in this episode, plus enough time to hunt down something to conquer this sweet craving I'm having.

Another observation about this airport? The music they play is so odd! It's like they put someone's I-pod on shuffle and just let it go. Now, granted, the music they're playing isn't bad music, it's just a unique juxtapositioning of songs.

I have very little else to say at the moment. One can only muse so long about airports unless said airport is a hustling and bustling one, and the Boise airport on a Thursday evening in mid-August is not horribly bustling. Just a random assortment of businessmen and a few families.

I'll be posting pictures of the blessing and other assorted shenanigans pretty soon. Until then, have a great day!

Toodles!

-Jillian

IMPORTANT ADDENDUM!!!

I have searched this airport, and have found hide nor hair of gelato OR Milky Ways! Oh, of course they have the Caramel Milky Ways, but the origional? Nope! They don't even have the original Mamba's which I would have been happy settling for. What kind of establishment are they running here?! No Mamba's OR Milky Ways?

What is this world coming to?

Blurgh...

Here are my thoughts at the moment.

In my mind, it's pretty much already September and I'm about to start school. I'm actually really upset by this for some reason. I was really excited for fall semester ever since I registered for classes, but for some reason when I looked at my schedule today and realized school was so soon, I dreaded it. I dreaded going at another semester, working my butt off at work, sacrificing my schooling to try and maintain relationships with friends that never seem to work out quite the way I'd like them too and to keep my head above water financially; not being able to truly develop certain skills I'd like to because I'm so busy with everything else.

That being said, I love my friends. I love the people I work with and enjoy my job. I'm sure I'm going to love the classes I'm taking. So I really don't know where this loathing and dread came from, but man, it was overwhelming for a little while.

So I've been watching Lost, and can I just say I'm soooo over the flash forwards? Come on and explain it already! You've been doing this for way too long and now it's just frustrating, and I want to know what's going on, so instead of making things so dramatic, just tell me, okay?

Because of this frustration, I may or may not have finished all of season 4 in 48 hours.

I swear I'm not as pathetic as I sound.

Thank you for nothing, you useless reptile...

Things that make me happy today:

My Rainbows

My Chaco's

Summer afternoon rain showers

Netflix streaming

Homemade soup with Macaroni Grill bread

I'm going to have a bunch of awesome historical books within the next month - even if it does cost an arm and a leg

Organizing my laundry

Knowing I'll be going home within the next 2 weeks

Only having one more class and one final before I'm done with Stats FOREVER!!

Getting the go-ahead to paint my bedroom when I get back from Oregon

Knowing that, despite some of my best friends being gone, they shall return within the month!

I've discovered a new solace. It's writing in my journal. Well, not necessarily in my journal so much as it's writing on whatever scrap of paper I have lying about. It's a great way to try and organize my thoughts and just get them out of my head for a bit so I can understand them better. Now if only I could organize those random scraps of paper into one spot...

Toodles!

-Jillian

Make your own kind of music!

I want the Harry Potter books.

I used to have all of them, back when I was living at home. My parents bought most of them for me, but then Jess fell in love with them and took most of them off with her when she moved out to become a real person. So I am left with no Harry Potter books.

So here's the deal, folks. I can the entire collection of paperbacks for$50 on Amazon, but that exceeds the budget I have set out for myself by $25 AND leaves with me no money in that category for the rest of the month. So...I'm debating what to do. Do I buy it now and just tighten my belt in other areas? Or should I wait until next month and see if I can work it into my budget?

P.s. I just heard the most awkward thing ever. One of my girlfriends asked one of our other friends how her honeymoon was. The newlywed responds with: "It was wonderful! The only way it would have been better is if you had been there!"

Sooooooooo awkward...

And in another vein entirely, I've decided Lost is what happens when lots of people with major issues get together. And I thought I had trust issues..

Biography

I don't like biographies. I realize most people who know me will think this is odd. After all, I love reading and I love history, so theoretically speaking those two things go together to form a biography, yes? Well, here's the deal. Most biographies suck.

I'm learning this through many attempts to read them and many attempts have left me bored after the first 50 pages. Yes, I do try and endure through the first 50 in hopes it will pick up or that I'll be drawn into it somehow. Unfortunately, the last few attempts I've made haven't worked.

It seems that I try to forge through the first few pages, only to be bogged down by the author's self-importance and ridiculous vocabulary. They always pretend to be the "true"account of this persons life, when in reality, they never really tell you much about the life so much as they interpret it and tell you the importance of certain events. And I am so not okay with that. Tell me the events in context of the life and I'll interpret them for myself, thank you very much.

I read my first biography when I was...9? However old you are when you're in the 4th grade. But it wasn't until I read "John Adams" by David McCullough that my love of biographies was rekindled.

I love David McCullough. He manages to present a life in an articulate, intelligent way without overwhelming his reader with too much minute detail or over-dramatic verbiage. He presents the person and their flaws without excusing or exploiting them. It's a rare gift that I think comes when you actually enjoy learning about the subject you are writing as opposed to enjoying presenting them.

So, what this means is, despite the fact that I would love to read a good biography about Bobby Kennedy, I'll put the bad version I have aside to read a biography written by McCullough about President Truman - a man who I have no intense desire to learn about so much as I desire a good biography to read.

That being said, I have 1776 on request through interlibrary loan. I'm waiting to get an e-mail telling me it's arrived any day now. I'm so excited! Until then, though, I shall endure through whatever it is I'm reading. I can't even remember it right now.

Toodles!

Right now...

Right now I'm missing simple things. I'm missing wide open skies that are scattered with stars. I missing good friends and good conversation. I'm missing the feeling that you're so small but so in touch with everything around you. I miss being able to go somewhere and be by yourself.

Right now I'm missing what makes me, me.

Things I've Been Told...work edition!

"You are so beautiful, on Facebook. I mean, you're pretty in real life, but on Facebook you're just so gorgeous! I don't know if it's your eyebrows or if you're just posing or what, but you're really gorgeous in some of those pictures!" - A girl from work.

How are you supposed to respond to that? I know she meant it as a compliment as we're friends and get along really well, but it made me laugh nonetheless. I suppose it could be due to the fact that, oh, I don't know, I wear a man's button down shirt, tie, ugly black pants and mailman shoes while I'm at work. It doesn't really flatter my figure or my face all that much, especially when I have my hair pulled back all the time and don't understand the point of putting on lots of make-up when I'm just going to sweat it off.

"You have a fantastically cute smile! Doesn't she just have the best smile girls?" "Oh, yes," "So adorable" "So straight and white." - Random table of ladies

Thank you, ladies. My parents paid good money for them.

"How old are you sweetie?" "Oh, I'm 22." "Oh...well, that's not bad. My son's getting back from his mission in a year or so, and I'd just love for him to meet a cute girl like you. Do you think you'll still be working here then?" - Yet another random lady, but at a different table

Thanks ma'm. Oddly enough I might still be working here then, but please don't bring your son in. Not only is he at least 2 years my junior, that would just be awkward, especially as you know nothing about, except that I'm "so cute" and keep your coke and bread refilled.

And last, but certainly not least:

"You know, I never knew how to go about saying this before, but since you're broken up now, whenever you used to post things on Facebook about how wonderful and cute your boyfriend was, I always used to think 'she's way too cool and hot to be with just one guy. That's just a waste.' I wanted to write that on your things when you said that, but I didn't think it would go over too well." - One of the hostesses

Can you see why it's my favorite? I just thanked her and, once more, laughed, because oddly enough I'd gotten that one before. I consider this more of a compliment to the guys I actually date, as they've obviously got to be pretty awesome :)

Now, I hope you all go out and think twice about the nice but possibly very awkward things you say to people while at work or at a restaurant.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Itching in my skin...

I have something I need to accomplish. I'm not sure what it is, but the past few nights I've just been itching out of my skin, like there's something in my life that's unfulfilled, something I need to do to feel completed, comfortable, and able to rest.

I'm not sure what it is, of course. If I did then I would just do it and I would be fine, I'd feel content.

I'm wondering if I should ignore this feeling and force myself to be happy or if I should accept it and figure out what it is that's eating me.

It's quite possible I'm just hungry. I've been horrible about eating the past week or so and that could be making me antsy. ...maybe. I do not know. I know I'm hungry, I just don't want to eat, and I don't really want to cook, so the result is I eat maybe one meal and munch on a few cookies during the day, and that's that. I know I should probably change this habit, but I have no real desire to.

Anyway, I think I'm going to force myself to go to bed since I have to wake up for class tomorrow.

Any suggestions on what I should attempt to feel less anxious would be greatly appreciated :)

-Jillian

"Do human beings ever realize life when they live it? Every, every minute?" - Our Town

I was fortunate enough to get see a brief part of a lightening storm tonight. I was with my friend Cameron and we'd just made a run to the store for some junk food before we settled in for the night to watch Will & Grace. I really wanted to climb onto the roof of their condo and watch the sky continue to light up, but Cameron wanted to get started with our marathon as we usually watched 4-6 episodes and that could take a while.

But, luckily for me, he got distracted on the computer and I ducked out the window. I wasn't planning on it. At first it was just my head out the window, smelling the wind as it blew the storm closer to Provo. Then I swung my legs over the windowsill, feeling the rough tiles under my toes, and eventually, I slid my body out onto the raked roof.

The wind was whipping the trees around, blowing old leaves and dried out seadpods and cotton in random patterns. They would go one way, then the other, as the storm closed in on the town. The smell was amazing, a mix of fresh rain and old dust, and the sky was cut wide by bright flashes of electricity. Some would get caught behind the clouds, illuminating the sky in a vibrant white purple glow that silhouetted the trees and the mountains on my right. A few seconds after the light would come the sound, crackling and building as a force from far away slowing rumbling to its climax.

All the while the wind hissed through my ears, blowing my hair over my bare shoulders, stroking my bare legs, whipping me with little pieces of debris from the approaching storm.

As I sat there I thought "this is my life. I am living this right now." And I was suddenly so grateful to my Heavenly Father to be placed on this earth at this moment in time to experience this beautiful occurrence. And I was sad for all those who couldn't feel what I was feeling, those who couldn't see the beauty in a storm. Those who couldn't see God in every raindrop.

We get so caught up in the mundane parts of everyday life. If rain happens we worry if we rolled up the windows, mourn the loss of our barbecue, become frustrated because we'd just washed the car. We gloss over the beauties we see without a second thought.

A friend once asked if I thought Heavenly Father made beautiful things on purpose or if they just happened naturally during the creation. Personally, I think He made them on purpose as a reminder to us narrow-sighted humans that He is there all around us. To me, a waterfall, a mountain, a rainbow, they're all testaments of God's love, just like that lightening storm. A sort of heavenly hug, where, for a second, we can see the beauty and omnipotence of God.

"It's like God's looking right at you, just for a second, and if you're careful...you can look right back." - American Beauty

A less artistic Post Secret

Here are some less than stellar facts about me:

I get really upset sometimes

I'm demanding

I have a jealous streak

I'm impatient

I want to know everything.

If I don't get something I want it frustrates me to no end

I need constant validation

I'm argumentative

I need to vent

I'm afraid of failure and rejection

I hate sharing information that makes me vulnerable, especially when I don't know what the person I shared it with is feeling

I need to be wanted

I have this tendency to say things I'm feeling, then wish them unsaid

I'll push someone away so they won't do it to me first

I'm afraid of admitting what I want for fear of not getting it, or worse, of getting it and discovering it's not actually something I wanted

I still don't know exactly what love is

Happiness is finding a pencil...

Things that make me happy today:

Creaming Ryan as it was his last day at work.

Making pretty good money.

The table volunteering to be the last on my priority list as they could see I'd been double and triple sat.

Finishing two Stats assignments - before they're due!

Talking to Stanley and getting cute text messages from him right when I think I'm going to lose it.

Eating homemade curry while watching "Up" with Shannon.

Working with Katie and Kristi.

Talking to the advisor about Washington Seminar and realizing it has a very high likelihood of happening.

Talking to my Academic Advisor and realizing there's someone who can actually help me out with this whole eventual graduation thing.

Thinking about my "Religion and the Law" history seminar class I'm taking in a few weeks.

Listening to Jack's Mannequin and Colbie Caillat as I walked across campus.

Knowing tomorrow's going to be a great day.

Blast from the Past

I thought my blog could do with a small face-lift. My blog has been the same ever since my junior year of high school when I started it.

You know, I was just thinking about how far back this blog actually goes. If you were to read some of my very first entries you'd find a girl unsure with her life, loving but insecure with herself and her friends, questioning things and thinking out loud. My life and my mindset have changed so much in the last five years. My old friendships have changed, I new friends have come and gone, I'm in a town going to a school I never thought I'd attend, pursuing a career I thought I didn't want, working at a job that never had occurred to me and dating a person I couldn't have imagined. I had always thought if I made it to 21 and was unmarried I'd be on a mission!

But there are still so many similarities between myself then and now. I'm still questioning and I'm still finding myself in this crazy life I've built and had erected. I'm feverishly trying to keep my head above water as I navigate through an unfamiliar world of financial aid, internships, and bills.

In honor of this, I'd like to post a picture from different times. Times that may not have been simpler, just maybe a little more straightforward.

Road-trip Itinerary

Okay folksies! Stanley and I finally sat down and actually figured out the plan for our trip next week. And by we sat down and figured it out I mean we already had it sorta planned out in our heads but Stanley wanted us to write it down and plan out the details. Here it is:

Tuesday, June 8th:

10 a.m. - leave Stanley's house in South Jordan.

6 p.m. - arrive in the L.G. This is a rough guesstimate for how long it will take us

7 p.m. - watch final episode of Glee *sniffle* We will miss you Mr. Schue!

*Free time to hang out with people afterwards*

Wednesday, June 9th:

Jess, Paxti and Vallin come down to hang out with us while Mom and Dad are out of town at a Dr.'s appointment. I also might be helping mi madre with dance auditions this night as she will still be recovering from surgery.

*Free time to hang out with people afterwards...I think...*

Thursday, June 10th:

3:30 p.m. - Dr's appointment! I will then force Stanley to pick out frames with me

5 p.m. = *We can probably hang out this night and possibly during the day as well, though the nephew may be in tow for a little part of it, depending on how my mom is feeling*

Friday, June 11th:

Another early morning Dr.'s appointment for Jillian! Woohoo!

12 p.m. Leave for Sun Valley

7 p.m. arrive in Sun Valley

Saturday, June 12th

Playday in Sun Valley. I'm leaving the planning of the details to Stanley.

Sunday, June 13th

More time in the valley of the sun. Maybe we'll stalk Bruce Willis. And probably go to church.

Monday, June 14th

10 a.m. - leave Sun Valley

2 p.m. - Arrive in good ol' Rexburg, Idaho

*Free time to play with friends and family!*

Tuesday, June 15th

7 a.m. - Leave Rexburg

9 a.m. - Arrive in Jackson WY! We'll probably eat at Norah's in Wilson for breakfast. So good!

*Free time in Jackson!!*

6 p.m. Watch the shoot-out

7:30 p.m. Watch Danica in Annie Get Your Gun

12 a.m. Drive into the park to find somewhere to camp

Wednesday, June 16th

Play in park all day!

6 p.m. Head back to South Jordan

So there you go folks! There are obviously some parts where things aren't completely planned. Friends in La Grande, Rexburg, and Jackson, feel free to contact me if you want to play! I've gotten in touch with most of you already, but especially if we haven't set anything in stone feel free to text me!

See you guys soon!

Toodles!

-Jillian

Check this hand, cuz I'm marvelous...

Remember that one time I was horrible about blogging?

Yeah...I do too.

But, in my defense, I was really, really good at it for a while. Unlike some people. Like Jennifer. I think it is fair to say I have infinitely better blogging habits.

You know you love me. :)

So much to update on! And yet, not really. I spent most of my time at work or with Stanley. Unfortunately, the two don't overlap anymore which makes me sad. He and I had many good times at work, judging fellow servers as well as the guests at our tables, rolling silverware in the back while singing Lady Gaga, being judged by Todd. *sigh* oh the memories.

However, we are doing pretty well making new memories outside of the good ol' Mac Shack. Since I last posted, he graduated from the U (he stood up to be honored no less than 15 times...not even joking...) while I entertained myself by playing hangman with his little sister and singing along with his mother while the band played show tunes.

The graduation itself was a little tedious, but it was really fun to see him get recognized for all the effort and hard work that he's put in the last 4 years. Plus hanging out with his family is always super fun, so that was a bonus.

We also went up to Logan the other day to go skeet shooting. Ohmigosh, so much fun. It reminded me of home and the good, wonderfully classy instituted activities we'd have going shooting on a Saturday morning. I must say, I did pretty well. Though that was mostly due to them going easy on me when they threw the skeets so I would out-shoot Stanley. Either way, I'm not complaining.

Anyhoo, after a long night of collecting album artwork, and filling out FAFSA forms, I'm feeling the need to sleep, despite the fact that I slept around 10 hours last night. Considering I spent half my day running around refilling waters, restocking bread, and singing Happy Birthday, I think that's okay though. Night all!

Toodles!

-Jillian

Welcome to the Mac Shack, please eat our olives!

Today, I would like to dedicate this blog to some of the finer things that are said at my home away from home, Macaroni Grill.

"Let me tell you a little secret about Victoria. I love America. I'm pretty much the most patriotic person I know. When I'm hostessing, I color the floor-chart with red and blue, so then it's red white and blue." - Victoria, Hostess

"Most people don't even know what fascism is. They hear fascism and think 'Oh no! Nazi's!" - Ben, server, whilst discussing Bella Ciao, the fascist march we sing in the restaurant. ...we don't tell anyone it's a fascist war song.

"Juan, is it worse for me to be chewing gum or sucking on a cough drop?"

"Well...I've always liked the word sucking. Just the action itself is more pleasant and it's a fun word. So I'd say chewing gum is worse. Always go with sucking." - Juan, General Manager

"Dude, the guy at that table is seriously a James Bond villain. I went to the table and was like 'where would you like the tomato bruschetta?' and he was all 'I'm going to kill you.' ...okay, he didn't really say that..." - Brad, server runner extraordinaire.

"So I was like 'WTF?'"

"...I can't believe you actually just said that."

"Said what?"

"WTF."

"Oh...welcome to Provo." - Me and the new manager, Katie, from California.

SCREW IT! I'm going to the store and buying cough syrup and cough drops!

I'm giving in.

I am, indeed, sick.

There, I said it. Ya happy fate?! Huh?! Think you're some big shot because I'm spending money on nasty tasting pharmaceuticals!? Well you can't get me down! I will chug that Dayquil and be back kicking the trash out of my finals in no time! So don't get all cocky and think you've won!!!

My body needs a break.

Confessions of a Compulsive Procrastinator

1) I've eaten anything and everything the past few days. I'm not sure why. I just constantly want food. And no, I'm not dehydrated, I drink lots of liquids and have to pee quite often, as I'm sure Stanley will attest.

2) I. LOVE. READING. Not so much of the textbook variety, though certain textbooks are so much fun to read. Like my poli-sci book for instance. No, I'm talking about regular novel, plot and story driven books. I've put this love on the back burner recently...until I borrowed Harry Potter. I received it Monday at noon and finished it last night at three. I become a complete recluse when I have a good book. I have this bad tendency to ditch out on social situations when I could be reading instead. I only stop reading so I could hang out with someone once, though I was often tempted by good friends and Oreo's. I know, I know, intense.

3) I'm over finals. Seriously. I haven't even taken any of mine yet and I'm done with them. I think it's because in my mind I know I can't really force myself to learn anything new in the few days before I take the tests, all that there is to do is review and refresh the information, and you can only spend so much time doing that before it becomes counter-productive.

4) I really enjoy my boyfriend. I think he's cute and pretty fantastic.

5) I sometimes tell people I miss them when I don't. I feel like it's an obligatory response when someone says they miss me. And unless I really DON'T miss someone, like, I'm enjoying NOT being with them I'll usually say it back to them. Odds are at some point in my life I've thought about them and gone "Oh, sad, I haven't seen them for a while. That should be changed." Because of this rationale, I do not feel saying I miss them if I don't is a lie.

6) When I tell someone I love them, I am, in a sense, saying I enjoy them, their company, and the exploits we share together. Usually this is accompanied by at least a minor interest in their life, more often than not, a major interest in their life. That being said, I've been very VERY careful not to tell anyone I'm IN love with them, as that's something entirely different to me. Though I can't say exactly how it's different. That whole IN love thing is something I'm still trying to define.

7) I am sometimes frustrated by how much I care for people and how inadequate I am at expressing said feelings.

8) I love singing. And I miss it. I'm so glad we're doing this little jam session things once a week.

9) I wish I played the piano. I feel like a failure sometimes because all I can do is sing. And play the baritone horn. But, really? The baritone horn? Yeah... At least if I played the piano I could accompany myself and others, which would be brilliant.

10) I went to Passover with Stanley last Saturday. Being with him and the service itself were both wonderful.

11) I want sushi. It's kind of a constant need. That and Thai curry. I really should learn how to make it.

12) Today, whilst sitting outside in the sun, on Stanley's U of U blanket, in a tank top, wearing my little cross necklace, I couldn't help but realize I'm not exactly the typical BYU co-ed. I don't think it's possible for me to rat my hair enough to become so.

13) I love photography. Sometimes I wish I had a camera that was actually capable of capturing the nuances that you can see with the naked eye. I also wish I was better at carrying around my camera so I could at least attempt to capture some of the beauty I see all around me. Like the other night on temple square. That would've been a beautiful picture opportunity, but alas, I fail.

14) IT'S SPRING! And by spring I mean it only snows a little bit, broken with intermittent periods of beauty and warmth! And the grass is so beautiful and green, the trees beginning to bud slightly, and the flowers are opening themselves to the warmth and growth the sun offers. *sigh* Heavenly.

15) I've officially spent a half hour typing this instead of studying my anthropology readings. I love my life :) Time to be productive and go to a review session!

Toodles!

-Jillian

Spring Break 2010

So.

Here's what I'm thinking. I'm supposed to write a paper for my PoliSci class about a policy that I want to have changed. When I heard about this assignment I knew exactly what policy it was that I wanted to change. It's a policy that's driven me insane the past two years, and that's the fact that BYU doesn't have a spring break.

I've talked to different professors about this and they all say the same thing. Around the 2nd week in March attendance drops off and those that do attend class look like zombies and participate less in class discussion. Around the end of March attendance picks up again, discussion continues and things go back to normal.

I've come across many reasons why BYU doesn't have a spring break and some of them have more validity than others. I've heard that we used to have one but because so many students got into shenanigans that were not honor code approved that they did away with it. I've heard they leave out the break so we can end our semester earlier and allow for more time at internships and jobs during the break. I've heard that because so much goes on on our campus that isn't school related (for instance, Education week which overruns this place for one week every summer) the academic schedule just doesn't allow for students to take a break off while still maintaining it's accreditation.

What I want to know is if those reasons outweigh the mental and physical benefits that would come to both students and professors if we had a break? Even just two days off around Easter or conference so students could go home or just relax for a day or two without having to worry about the next assignment that's due.

Another problem raised is that midterms happens right before the spring break should be, meaning that finals come faster and sooner than they would at any other academic institution. This causes HUGE burnout.

So.

What I'm doing right now is looking at what it takes for BYU to be accredited and how much pushing back our graduation dates and such by one week would really affect internship opportunities. Also, I need to figure out exactly who to address this problem to.

One thing I discussed with my professor is instead of labeling it as a "Spring Break" we labeled it as a campus wide service week. Classes are canceled and opportunities are set up on campus for those who choose to stay here, there are excursions to other cities and states (like Utah's Alternative Spring Break) set up through the school so students are able to branch out and experience other demographics and problems than you'd typically find here in Provo and the Happy Valley. Or, of course, if students choose to go home they can perform X amount of service (say, 10 or 15 hrs for the week) of their own choosing in their home town.

One of the aims of a BYU education is to provide students with the ability to serve and develop skills that could be useful in life. Unfortunately, a lot of students - due to time constraints between work and school - aren't able to take full advantage of the service organizations. By canceling classes for that week it alleviates those problems. Also, it creates something impressive to add to a resume for those who are planning on moving on to grad school.

Convinced? Cuz I am. :)

Ode to my body

Dear body,

Thank you so much for being amazing, even after I'm so mean to you. I don't take you out for walks and runs as often as I should, I don't stretch you often enough, don't give you enough water, and stuff far too much sugar inside of you. Thank you for sticking through it all. I promise to do better in the future and treat you like the gift you are.

-Jillian

Factoids.

Fact:

Don't be a ridiculously demanding table in a restaraunt and tip your server - who did EVERYTHING you asked - for $6 on a $75 check. If you can't afford more, don't buy that extra appettizer and giver her the $7 you would've spent.

Fact:

While spring is beautiful and wonderful the allergies that accompany it are not. Especially when combined with copious amounts of sugar. Said combination can lead to a migrane which will lead to large intakes of caffeine which will lead to you having the shakes and an inability to sleep.

Fact:

It's not a good thing to look at your bank statement and go "wait...what is that charge for? When did I buy something THERE?" only to realize you bought something in a half-concious state at 6 in the morning. Or when you're out with one of your gays.

Fact:

Motivation can sometimes be a mindset. Like finding the motivation to shower. Sometimes you feel it, sometimes you don't. I think this should probably be felt more than twice a week.

Fact:

Sometimes you just need to sing. Sometimes you just need to dance around in your underwear with your I-pod on. Sometimes you need to text your boyfriend that while dancing in your underwear you danced into the wall of your hallway. Again.

Fact:

Very few people comment on my blog. Mostly because the people who read it and would comment on it decide to text or call me instead of writing anything. So the comments I get are usually some guy trying to sell me Viagra from Canada. Which, in case you haven't noticed, isn't really helpful to me.

Fact:

Blogging can be a way to avoid homework. As long as it serves its purpose.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Emotionally Hungover...

Happy is the heart that still feels pain
Darkness drains and light will come again
Swing open your chest and let it in
Just let the love, love, love begin...

It's funny. At BYU I encounter a lot of people who force themselves into feeling more for people than they do just because they're so in love with the idea of being in love.

I'm the opposite.

I often talk myself OUT of caring for people. I'm actually quite good at it. I self-destruct usually a week or two after I realize feelings are reciprocated, showing them my insane side, finding any possible flaw or problem and exacerbating it until I convince myself and the other person that it's just not supposed to work out.

This is a hard thing to do, believe it or not. I do it to defend myself from possible hurt, but by the time I do this I've already developed feelings for the person so alienating them is actually painful to me. But I tell myself that this was going to happen eventually so it was probably better that it happened when I was less attatched than more.

Logical, yes?

And completely insane and masochistic.

I'm on an Ingrid Michaelson trip right now (hence the above lyrics) and I feel this describes me well:

She says you're a masochist for falling for me
So roll-up your sleeves...
And I think that I like her
Because she tells me things I don't want to hear
Medicinal tongue in my ear

When will it stop, when will it stop?

When will I feel all soft on the inside?

You say my skin feels like nobody else's
Like it's different somehow
But I don't understand
Isn't a hand just a hand?

When will it start, my broken part?

When will I feel all soft on the inside?

She says you're a masochist for falling for me...

I don't want anyone to suppose I do this for the specific purpose of protecting myself, though that is a large part of it. I've been exposed to a culture where people believe themselves to be in love easily and make decisions - BIG decisions - based on those simple feelings. I suppose in my mind if I put those feelings to the test and break them before they become too strong I'll be able to make sure I never have to turn to someone and tell them I'm out of love with them because I didn't understand what love was. Tell them I lied to them and led them on and oh, so sorry.

I tend to be a little gung-ho about this. Hence why I feel that anyone who develops feelings for me is a masochist. I'll be hot one minute and cold the next, be the most doting girlfriend in one conversation and then smash them to the wall five minutes later.

The real questions is, I suppose, what do I actually want? Behind all these habits and defenses, what are my actual desires? I guess I'm still figuring those out.

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
And what if I'm not what you think I am?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win?
And chase you with a rolling pin?
Well, what if I do?

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up...

You told me about Captain Hook

And all of his men

Who followed Peter with a hook replaces as his hand

In those tales bad guys seldom did win

So the captain was eaten, and Wendy had twins

Well, that's the story as I recall

But I may have made up the end

Don't remember much at three feet tall

except for when I'd say,

Mom,

Let me go to Never Neverland,

Let me fly for one day

Throw that fairy dust in my hair

So I pretend I'm flying away

I'm flying away

Well, to my surprise I grew up too fast,

and that easy life of tinkerbell, it never did last

So I'd silently dream myself far far away

Where I could be immortalized like Peter one day

And that's my childhood as I recall

Though in some ways it never did end

And now I'm standing, well, a little bit taller

Except for when I say

Mom,

Let me go to Never Neverland,

Let me fly for one day

And throw that fairy dust in my hair

so I pretend I'm flying away

I'm fying away!

And though life is never easy

As we as children read in the book

Where fairy dust can just fly you so far awy

And all I ask is that you leave me my imagination

Where I can pretend I'm flying away

I'm flying away, and that is where I'll stay

Right there in Never Neverland

I'll be flying, I'll be dying

For love, appreciation

Where mermaids would sing and fairies would ring

Right down there in Never Neverland

And it's second to the left and straight on until morning

Or was it second to the right and straight on until morning?

In Never Neverland

My Never Neverland

Expressions

This...has been an odd week for me. I don't know how else to describe it. I find I describe things better in words when my brain if functioning on sleep and that I can describe my emotions and feelings better through music and drawing when I'm tired. And as I'm running on 10 hours of sleep for the past 2 days, I choose this picture:

I drew it yesterday while I was soaking up some sunlight on rape hill. It was such an awesome experience.

And now it's snowing. What. The hell.

I hate when I can't express myself through words. To me that's the epitome of frustration, when you can't explain something adequately because the words don't exist, or - even worse - you don't know exactly what you're trying to express.

I guess that's really what my problem was growing up and the one I continue to struggle with today. I have so many people around me who are able and more than willing to listen to my problems but I've always felt afraid to burden them with my troubles or express an vulnerable emotion to them.

Except now I'm wondering if it isn't the fear of being a burden or exposing myself so openly to someone as it is I don't know how to verbalize my feelings. When people ask what's wrong, I don't think they realize I give them an accurate response most of the time when I say I don't know.

I'm a fairly independent person. I try not to attatch myself too horribly strong to any one person and I can get myself out of almost any situation I get myself into. I know how to get things done.

That being said, I need advice and opinions and people in my life. I have to talk through my feelings and thoughts to understandy why I am the way I am and feel the way I feel. I can sometimes achieve that through writing - hence the blog and journal I keep with me at all times - but sometimes writing just doesn't cut it. Sometimes I need someone to ask me the questions I'm afraid to ask myself or to take what I'm saying and peice it together for me because I'm too close to the situation and emotions to understand it all. Sometimes I just need someone who'll sit with me and hold my hand or play with my hair while I struggle to discover things for myself.

And that's why I don't do that very often with people. When they ask what's wrong and what they can do to help I don't think they realize exactly how much they'd be in for if I took them up on their offer. This isn't to say that none of them would be up for it. I think most of my close friends and family would be fine playing psychiatrist to me, at least every once and a while. It's just that sometimes it's neither the time nor the place for a long winded psychological evaluation.

That being said, I took an interesting surve today on how my 'social needs' are being met by BYU. Ad I realized they're not. And maybe it's because I don't allow it too or maybe I allow my prejudices to blind me to the potential of my fellow students. But it's just sometimes I can't help but feel that the average BYU student doesn't look beyond what social events they're planning on attending for the evening or if their boyfriend of two weeks is going to propose.

Like today, we finished a service project and were hanging out at one of the guys' apartments eating the refreshments and two of the roommates started talking. The synopsis of the story is one of the guys went on a date last night with girl 1 and was supposed to go on a date tonight with girl 2, but girl 2 ditched on him. So the other roommate was like "dude...ask girl 3" (obviously, he used a name, I just can't remember it right now) and the first guy was like "Oh...yeah...I like her. Will you put in a good word for me?" and thus continued the conversation.

It was weird for me. And I don't know why it bothers me. Actually, yes, I think I do. BYU gets a bum wrap for being a school all about finding an eternal partner and forming eternal units and being a light to all the other people in the world with our familial stability and intellectual correctness. And you know what, I can understand that. Surely there are those who go here who don't have the mindset of "Oh no, I'm graduating from BYU in a year and I'm not married yet, what am I going to do?" but we tend to blend more into the background.

I'm sure there are those who actually think about political and social issues and decide what they believe instead of just assuming every word coming from the mouths of professors or the Daily Universe or other political pundits. But again, when you feel like a minority in an incredibly homogenous group of people it's easier to find a social network that's not sponsered by BYU. Which is why, in my free time (all 7 hours of it that I have a week) you'll find me hanging out with my gays or up in Salt Lake discussing politics, relationships and life outside of college with my girls at a brewery. It's just that whenever I attend BYU functions I feel so...ostracized and contaminated at the same time.

But I suppose this is hypocritical of me. I'm judging these people and I don't know them. It just weirds me out when people start a conversation with me by asking the same standard questions: What's your major? Are you dating anyone? How serious is it? What does he do? (and you know they ask that because they want to know if his profession will help support a family). I try and keep those conversations as superficial as possible (because that's what you do at Ward functions, form superficial relationships where you're always happy to see the people) and avoid making any political comments or talking about my actual feelings on relationships. I just smile and nod a lot. Oh, and comment on their clothes and shoes. And their hair too. That much back-combing takes time and effort. You just try not to stir the pot.

So yes, that stereotype of BYU exists and it survives and thrives because the students allow it and perpetuate it!

There must be a reason why I'm at BYU. I just have to figure it out.

Toodles.

-Jillian

Most recently I've been noticing awkward words in very public places. Except they don't really exist. Like my friend had some kind of rotating billboard thingy on her blog and while it was flipping from one part of a saying to another I had the words "dancing" and waiting" merge in my mind and create the word "farting."

I found this an awkward word to have flashing on a fairly feminine well-put together blog. I then dedicated all of my attention (well, as much as I can usually give at one time, probably around 80%) and realized I'd misread it. And thrown some extra letters in there, just for good measure.

This happened the other day on a license plate. It said "boots" and to my quickly flitting eye I thought it said "boobs." Oddly enough, this was less disconcerting than seeing "farting" on my friends blog. Apparenlty I expect total strangers to have the word "boobs" plastered on their car.

I need to stop staying up to all hours writing papers. Thank heavens for the 7-11 down the street. Though I'm noticing that some skeevy people hang out there starting around the weekend. Meaning tonight. I should probably stick to my late night walkings with poli-sci papers which are typically due on Wednesdays. No creepers are there on Tuesdays.

But you know, as awesome as it would be to someday master this inability to focus and do things more than say, oh, I don't know, 12 hours before they're due, I don't know if I will ever be able to accomplish that. This does not bode well for history 490. Hello Senior Capstone paper. I might need more than 12 hours and 64 oz of Mt. Dew for that one...

Le sigh...anyway, time to B.S. a bibliography. I don't even know how to cite a scientific paper. I don't write these things...

Toodles!

-Jillian

Spark of Creation...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vk-da4405o0

Everyone should watch this video. I love it. Love, love, love. Not only is Natalie Weiss amazing, she's singing one of my all-time favorite songs. So enjoy world.

Toodles!

-Jillian

The inner-workings of Jillian while writing a paper

I thought some of you might find this entertaining, so here...

11:15 should be starting on paper. Too busy thinking about night with Stanley to focus.

11:29 I'm giving up. Going to get Mt. Dew and SmartPop from 7-11 down the street

11:49 Hmmmm...it would seem silly to start the paper before midnight at this point. Might as well wait until then. Hello Facebook!

11:58 Stanley made it home safe. Now he can help me with some of the citations on my paper. Hooray!

12:21 Not finding many references on the bill I'm looking for. I need specific figures to make the point I need.

12:24 Just found out Stanley apparenlty wrote the speech I'm supposed to be citing. Wow. Really should have done more research for the paper while he was actually with me and not falling asleep 40 miles away in Salt Lake.

12:42 bored with eating Smartpop, moving onto leftover quiche

1:02 I've become massively distracted reading about some of the other bills coming up before the legislature. They're contemplating cutting the 12th grade? REALLY? Who ARE these people?

1:14 Okay, focusing on writing the paper. I just need to get started, than the ideas will flow forth from my fingers like brilliance!

1:20 I'm thinking I maybe should have actually read an op-ed piece before I attempted to write one. Oh well. Too late now.

1:36 Perfect! I figured out the points I want to make! I love it!

1:54 Uh-oh, out of Mt. Dew. I'd better get this done before I have to walk down to the 7-11 again. This time I might give in and buy Laffy-Taffy

1:56 So the paper's supposed to be 700 words. The introduction alone is 200. I'm screwed.

2:01 What if I choose to emphasize in American history, focusing on the evolution of women's role in society? I think that would be cool, albeit completely unrelated to my task at hand.

2:19 Okay, covered topic number one and am almost halfway to my word limit. This essay may need some cropping at the end of the day...

2:22 Sometimes I don't understand the formatting on my computer. It likes to jump between double and single spaces all the time. Not cool.

2:33 Juuuuuuuust hit a wall. I'm hearing odd buzzings in my ears. I think I'm going to go wash my face and brush my teeth then return to keep plugging away.

2:44 Back and feeling a little more awake. And good news! I'm moving on to the third of three issues and I'm only at 350 words! Yay! I may be able to do this yet!

2:47 I somehow just managed to erase my entire paper. Thanks heavens for the undo button! I was scared there for a few seconds when the entire screen went blank.

2:50 I wonder how my parents would feel about this paper. Not only am I saying the federal government should have power in this instance, I'm also fighting for gun-control. Hmmm...Rush Limbaugh would be so disapointed, not to mention Glenn Beck.

3:06 I've officially made all my arguments, however lucidly, and have 25 words until I've reached the low point of my word count. All I have to do is conclude the paper in 25-225 words and I'll be okay. Sometimes, things just work out, ya know?

3:13 I forgot there were some points I wanted to make. Now I have to go back and re-vamp some things but I'm worried in my half-dazed state what I write won't make sense. Half the time I think it's brilliance the other half...well...less than brilliant.

3:33 I really need to stop writing. I'm 11 words away from my limit.

3:42 Start working on works cited page. Yay endnotes!

4:03 finished with works cited page! Hurrah! I really wish I had my Hacker Handbook but I think I left it in La Grande. I'll have to pick it up when I come up in May.

4:10 re-read it. There are parts I definitely like and parts I most definitely don't like. Oh well. I'll re-edit it in the morning. The ending most definitely needs work and I might thin out the introduction as well since it's supposed to grab the reader.

4:13 Send essay to myself via e-mail to print off in the library in the morning...and by in the morning I mean in five hours...probably less than that since I'll have to reformat everything. And I still need to come up with a witty title...

4:18 Bed time. Praise Allah.

Sometimes I just wish I could hook my soul up to another person so they could understand what I'm feeling. I suppose understand would be an incorrect term. Empathize and actually KNOW what I was feeling and thinking. I hate that I have to try and explain what I'm feeling to people. It would be so much easier if they just knew my feelings the way I do.

I feel so inarticulate at times. Mostly though, I'm afraid that people will misinterpret what I'm trying to express. Sometimes - actually, more often then I'd like to think - I think I use words that make sense in my heard but other people find difficult to understand or comprehend why they apply in the context that I put them.

This is my current frustration.

It seems like no matter how much I talk about something none of the advice I get on the subject is actually applicable.

Maybe I don't understand the situation well enough, which prohibits me from expressing it in a way that's understandable to anyone else. This is also a viable option.

Communication through Lyrics

I love this song. Most of you should know it, but if you don't, it's from the musical "Songs for a New World" and it's brilliant. I think it can be interpreted in so many different ways. I highlighted my favorite parts, but as I said, everyone I've talked to about this song has felt a different way about it.

Jenny's afraid of water
I mean, she swims so well, but still,
She's afraid of water
And so she won't go near the sea.



Not me.



Katie's afraid of darkness.

I mean, she sleeps and all, but still

She's afraid of darkness

So when the lights are out she has to hold my hand.



I don't understand.



I'm not afraid of anything,
Be it mountains, water, dragons, dark or sky.
I'm not afraid of anything
Tell me, where's the challenge if you never try?
So watch me fly



I'm not afraid.



Daddy's afraid of babies.

I mean, he got through me, but now

He's afraid of babies.

Guess he's scared of what they'll be



Not me.



And Mama's afraid of crying
You know, she tries to hold it in
But she's afraid of crying.
And she looks at me with tears stuck in her eyes



And I don't know why.



I'm not afraid of anything
Be it growing old or going out of style.
I'm not afraid of anything
Who would give up what they want without a trial?
Another mile.

I'm not afraid



And I hear the calling of adventure,
And I hear the ringing in my ears
The lights are glaring,
Trumpets blaring
I'm right here!
And I hear the calling of tomorrow,
And I feel the stirring in my bnes
And David loves me
...He's afraid to hold me...



Listen to the calling of excitement!
Can you feel it pounding in my heart?
The lights are ready,
Pulse is steady,
I can start!



Never stop the calling of the challenge
Blessings on the water and the stone
And David loves me
...He's afraid to tell me.
David loves me.
...He's afraid to trust me.
...He's afraid to hold me
And he'll always be.



He's afraid of me...



And I'm not afraid of anyone!
I am sure to win with anyone at all
I'm not afraid of anyone
Not a soul alive can get behind this wall.
So let them call,
And let them fall,
Cause after all
I'm not afraid...

Snapshot from my life; February 23, 4:03 p.m.

Random facts from my life at this precise moment:

1) I suddenly want to have babies. Where did THAT come from, you may ask? Honestly, I have no idea. But don't worry, I'm sure this will pass in an hour or two.

2) I'm moderately frustrated. There are 22+ servers at work and only 7 were scheduled to work tonight. I needed tonight off and of the 15+ servers who weren't working do you know how many said they could cover my shift, even for an hour while I had cleaning checks? That's right, a big fat ZERO!

3) I miss kids. Spending time with Stanley's cousins on Sunday was really really fun and it made me miss my cute little cousins and adorable nephew. Hmmm...maybe that's where the maternal feeling is coming from. However, I get to help baby-sit baby Bisbeth in a few weeks. I don't think I've ever been this excited to baby-sit before.

4) I'm oddly okay with going to work tonight. My schedules a little crazy and I guess I can't get too upset that people weren't overjoyed to help me out tonight and cover my shift since it's almost impossible for me to pick up anybody else's shifts. Once the schedule is out I sit down and plan my week down to the hour. I usually give myself one night or two to be social, and divy the rest of my few days off between homework and calling things, like meetings and organizating and just being places. Like this week, for instance. Between work, my calling, mid-terms, papers, and review sessions, I've had to schedule time for me to shower and make social calls.

5) I should hang out with Jenn and Nick more often. It seems silly that they live so close and I see them so rarely. Except now I think they like Stanley more than they like me and will only want me around when he's there. This happens to me a lot.

6) I have three midterms and a paper due within the next week. Next Wednesday is my celebration night. That is the day of my last mid-term and when my second paper is due for Poli-Sci.

7) We have two mid-terms in Poli-Sci. I got the grade back on the first one. 92%. I didn't even tell them it was my birthday either.

8) I got a pencil from the testing center on my birthday. Really. A pencil. It said "Happy Birthday, from the Testing Center."

9) I just discovered there's a music room in the testing center. This is amazing to me since I illegally sneak my i-pod in and listen to it the entire time, despite that being majorly against the rules. This way I won't be breaking any rules and risk the possibility of getting caught and failing my mid-terms. Now I just have to figure out where it is and how to qualify to take a test in there.

10) I'm going to celebrate the end of mid-terms by having a movie and curry night with Emily. I miss her and am greatly excited by our plans: three amazing things in one night: film, food, and friends :)

Toodles!

-Jillian

My brain is a solute and chemistry is most definitely NOT a solvent...

Can I just take a moment out of my life to state how much I dislike chemistry? Because I really do. I understand that it's part of our lives in a very pertinent daily way, but this doesn't mean I have to like it. I appreciate it. I understand that it's there. However, I do not really care about the moles of Chlorine found in magnesium chloride. Sorry. Call me a horrible person if you choose. I just don't care. My life will go on without this knowledge.

That being said, I am aware that a lot of my dislike for chemistry comes from my complete lack of aptitude for it. Chemistry and I? We just don't work.

That being said, for those who may not know, I have a boyfriend. He's very cute. And I like him a lot.

Not much else is new in my life. I had dinner at Jenn and Nick's on Monday and it was fun. I'm currently reading the New York times before I have to go and, yet again, subject myself to another chemistry lecture.

I have to say, I feel really bad for my professor. He's so passionate and excited about Chemistry and this class that he's teaching most definitely is not. It would be very frustrating to teach a class about something you find so wonderful and invigorating only to have your students zone out and not care at all about it.

I also find it funny how hypocritical I am sometimes. When people ask stupid questions about the midterm for Poli-Sci I totally judge them. One student raised his hand and asked what he had to memorize for the test. When the T.A.'s answered that you needed to have a comprehensive knowledge of lectures, readings, and critical terms you could tell the guy was upset that he actually had to take things from the class and possibly apply them using his own mental powers. I mocked him mentally because I don't understand how anyone could go to go a political science class and not find it at least a little interesting. Sure, our lecture on polling today was a little dry, but still, I would choose listening to that for hours on end than go to a chemistry lecture on molecular shapes. With chemistry lectures I can usually make it about half an hour before the old brain starts thinking of happier things, like dead puppies or poverty in third world countries.

...that was the use of over exaggeration to make a point. In case you couldn't tell.

That being said, I should probably pack up and head to class. I brought two cuties and some goldfish to munch on today, so hopefully I can actually stay awake and pay attention.

Seriously, this stuff is way over my head.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Attention, attention please!

This is an adendum to my previous post (see below.) I am not in love, nor do I plan on being that way any time soon. This blog isn't about one specific person - unless that person happens to be me. The men referred to include a large assortment that have entered my life in the past few years that I've been attracted to.

Thank you. Feel free to go about your day unconcerned.

-Jillian

I am in love with a boy manufactered to destroy...

Another beautiful lyric from Ingrid Michaelson.

I was talking to Stanley yesterday and we were rocking out to Kelly Clarkson (I love me some Kelly!) when the song "Beautiful Disaster" came on. I've always had a very strong affinity to that song. I remember, very distinctly, walking down the senior hallway at LHS, right by Mr. Jones's math classroom, just past the auditorium, singing that song to myself and thinking "This song is about me, that's the kind of person I'm going to be with." I then realized what I thought and quickly corrected my sub-conscious, saying I was going to have a beautiful normal life.

...Right?

I've always felt - though I've never fully known or verbally realized - that I'm not going to have a cookie cutter suburban life. I wasn't going to be swept off my feet by an RM who also happened to be an Eagle Scout, helped old ladies cross the street, was the Elders Quorum President, refused to watch R-rated movies, hadn't kissed any other girls, and had never sworn in his life. I was not going to marry a Peter Priesthood.

I also think there are people in life who are supposed to help everyone around them solve their issues.

I am one of those people.

I've been told multiple times that I'm good to talk to. And I feel I am. I'm good at listening and asking the questions that get to the root of the problem. I am then good at analyzing said problem and finding a solution. And more importantly, I like it. I like helping people and hearing their stories and figured out why they are what they are.

Maybe because of this I've always been drawn to guys who have issues. Now, I know we all have issues. We're human, and being humans raised by two humans in a society of humans is enough to give you issues without throwing in issues of pornography, divorce, abuse, etc. But there are some people who, when I get to hear their issues, see how strong they are despite the obstacles they've had in their lives - it just makes me care about them so deeply. Usually they haven't solved their problems, they're just covering them up, but especially in those cases, their potential is enormous. I think a lot of the time I'm put there to help them solve their problems so they can reach that possible potential.

I suppose that's what I mean when I say I'm attracted to men who are interesting. Once I figure them out, find their ticks and how they work, I become bored because there's nothing I can help them with. There's nothing new and exciting to keep my attention.

That being said, another plague that drives me insane is the people who don't really want their problems solved. They vent constantly about the issues and I offer good and proper advice to help them out, but they don't take it. That's frustrating. I do not find that attractive.

Anyway, here are the lyrics to the song "Beautiful Disaster."

He drowns in his dreams

An exquisite extreme, I know

He's as damned as he seems

And more heaven than a heart could hold

And if I try to svae him

My whole world could cave in

It just ain't right

It just ain't right

Oh and I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I coul hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster?

He's magic and myth

As strong as what I believe

A tragedy with

more damange than a soul should see

And do I try to change him?

So hard to blame him

Hold on tight

Hold on tight

I'm longing for love and the logical

But he's only happy hysterical

I'm waiting for some kind of miracle

Waited so long

So long...

He's soft to the touch

But frayed at the end he breaks

He's never enough

And still he's more than I can take

Oh, 'cause I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster?

He's beautiful...

Such a beautiful disaster...

Post: Friday

So I thought about uploading my polisci paper and having you all read it, but I think that would just be embarrassing. I described that paper so beautifully by saying "if I took a crap in my hand, and smeared it on paper, it would be about as good as that paper."

I think it's a good visual.

The paper probably wasn't THAT horrible. It just could have been better. I made some decisions that led to the procrastination of my writing said paper until 11:30 the night before it was due. Around 3 I started on the bibliography. However, I do not regret said decisions that caused the procrastination. They were worth it. :)

That being said, I'm putting off the second part of my chemistry test. It's not horrible though. I'm almost halfway done with it, and I know at least a fourth of the next part is pretty simple.

I'm excited for the next few days. Tomorrow's going to be pretty busy. I have classes all day, then work, then GIRLS NIGHT!!! I'm so excited!! It'll be fun to get us all together again. If Em comes it'll be the first time we've all been together since the beginning of October - far too long in my opinion. Then, the next morning, Stanley and I are going to breakfast and then playing around in Ikea before I have to work that evening. I can't wait! I haven't seen the kid since Monday night so it'll be fun. Even if I had seen him since Monday it would still be fun, but this makes the anticipation even greater.

Work is interesting. There are still times when I really miss downtown. The people, the managers, people who are actually willing to buy alcohol. Those were good times. But there are some fun people here too. Now that things are finally getting back to normal with Expo-Boy Sean, it's been kind of fun. I model walked down the expo line today and snarfed left-overs in the back with Kristi. I'm joking around with - and by that I mean mocking - the managers. I'm even beginning to think that Dan, Sam, and Aaron don't look exactly the same. Which is progress, let me tell you. However, I am still dreading working Friday and Saturday nights. They are NUTSO. For reals. Last time I worked a Saturday night I had a five table section and kept getting double sat. It was not fun. I seriously almost cried like, 3 times. Once was when I looked over and realized I had a table of 4, 6, and 2 that were all sat at the same time. So yeah, I'm a little apprehensive about work this weekend.

Honestly though, life is teaching me so much right now. I can't even begin to describe how or what, but I can feel it. I can sense it in my head and my heart. It's been interesting meeting up with friends new and old and seeing the changes that have taken place in myself during the past few years. I'm much more honest now. I'm open and will talk about anything. I ask questions I would have been too afraid to ask before. I still struggle to figure out what I'm feeling, but I try and articulate it as much as possible. I'm realizing the disparities between my actions and words and feelings.