Here I am, at work once again. Why am I always at work when I blog, I hear you asking. Well, the answer is fairly simple. Since the people over at the Geek squad completely ruined my life by misdiagnosing my computer, I don't have one at my house that I have easy access to, so my computer usage is limited to the times I'm at work.
Which I suppose it probably one of the only reasons I keep this job. Computer access. :)
I had a reason for blogging today, I really did. I just can't remember it right now.
So I promised Ben Waite that I would write real letters to a bunch of missionaries...unfortunately I don't have any of their addresses. Which reminds me, Mama and/or Papa, if you read this, can you get me Ben Pettit's address and Josef Meilke's too? Ben was wanting them so we can both write them. It was fun to talk to him though, even though it was breaking mission rules to Facebook Chat with me. I rationalized it by saying we were cousins and therefore it was totally okay.
What has happened the past few days...not much. Saturday Brock, Cameron, and I had adventures in Wal-Mart. Really Cameron and I had adventures in Wal-Mart and Brock was just there for some of them. They included - but are not limited to - turning on all the valentines day toys in the aisle and running away, having a pillow fight in the throw pillow aisle, and being hit on by an old man in a motorized cart. It was great. Especially because it was all done to the background music of Kelly Clarkson, Katie Perry, and the Pussycat Dolls. It was pretty much hilarious. It was also perfect because that was the weekend Becca and Tami came down to watch the show and when Kai's farewell was, so we all got together for dinner before the show and it was wonderful. Also, Kai's farwell was amazing. Me, Mel, and Danica ended up going and we cried. True story.
So it looks like I'm auditioning for the Playhouse, the Playmill and the Pink Garter. Pretty much it's going to come down to how much I get paid. Part of me is leaning towards doing Playmill just because I'll be out of Jackson which will make it easier for me to focus on making money. Which is something I definitely need right now. Jackson just has too much for me to do and explore and I know the areas I love so would easily be drawn to go back there again. However, it also depends on how much they're willing to pay actors as well as what roles I get. I know what roles I fit/want/think I would get at all the places, but a lot happens during auditions. For all I know I might end up spending the summer in La Grande...which might drive me slighly insane. I'd have to find a full-time job to keep me from being too horribly idle or else I would go crazy, and not in a good way.
I don't know though, we'll see how things go.
Anyway, I'm off for now. I'm going attempt to memorize and break-down my monologues for this weekend before I go to Chess with Kirsten. In other news, I don't have anything to do tomorrow so I can spend the entire time catching up on HEPE and working on my audition stuff. It'll be good.
Toodles!
-Jillian
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
If I were a boy...
I love this song by Beyonce (aka Sasha Fierce...but don't even get me started on that.) I also love Jack Johnson, which is what I'm listenting to right now.
What have I done the past few days? Not much. I'm realizing though, that I enjoy living life at a little slower pace than I'm used to. For instance, I'm used to being busy and having to be somewhere pretty much every minute of every day. Lately, however, I've had free time in between classes or work schedules where I do things that I need to get done. It's kind of nice. I managed to pay two bills, turn in my FASFA, cook dinner, exercise, fill out a scholarship application, and look for monologues yesterday. Oh, and I climbed 11 flights of stairs. But that wasn't really in my free-time or by choice. It was out of necessity to get to classes and to my apartment.
However, I just took a test online and it told me I need to eat 1600 calories a day to lose 1 pound a week. HA! As of this moment in time I've eaten 805 calories for the day. Like I'll be able to make it to 1600 while still eating healthy food. I think not...
When did I write last? I don't know if I've written anytime this week. I've been writing in my journal lately, thanks to the inspiration and motivation of Chase Thomas. Monday night we watched Legally Blonde over at Brocks, and by "we" I mean Cameron, Brock, myself, and Chase. Then Tuesday I worked at Orville and Wilbur for the first time. It was actually really fund and reminded me of my old Bear Mt. days. OH! Random fact. I was in a mood on Tuesday and ended up tackling Chase in the RB lobby. Somehow or other it ended up with me wrapping my legs around his waist and my arm around his neck and he was on his hands and knees. He managed to stand up from that position with me still hanging off of his body. That's intense to do for anyone, let alone someone as small as him and someone as heavy as me (and don't worry, I'm not saying I'm fat, I'm actually a fairly healthy weight right now, but I'm still a heavy person and Chase is wiry) and then he picked me up over his shoulder. I ended up collapsing off because I didn't want to be in that position so I just released my ab muscles and since he's only slightly broad I just slid off his side. Then Wednesday I had classes and stuff and I learned I'd been rolling wrong. But I danced 3 hours, ran up 11 flights of stairs, and went running for a half hour.
My body really hurts right now.
Anyway, I'm about to get off work, so I'll be signing off.
Toodles!
-Jillian
What have I done the past few days? Not much. I'm realizing though, that I enjoy living life at a little slower pace than I'm used to. For instance, I'm used to being busy and having to be somewhere pretty much every minute of every day. Lately, however, I've had free time in between classes or work schedules where I do things that I need to get done. It's kind of nice. I managed to pay two bills, turn in my FASFA, cook dinner, exercise, fill out a scholarship application, and look for monologues yesterday. Oh, and I climbed 11 flights of stairs. But that wasn't really in my free-time or by choice. It was out of necessity to get to classes and to my apartment.
However, I just took a test online and it told me I need to eat 1600 calories a day to lose 1 pound a week. HA! As of this moment in time I've eaten 805 calories for the day. Like I'll be able to make it to 1600 while still eating healthy food. I think not...
When did I write last? I don't know if I've written anytime this week. I've been writing in my journal lately, thanks to the inspiration and motivation of Chase Thomas. Monday night we watched Legally Blonde over at Brocks, and by "we" I mean Cameron, Brock, myself, and Chase. Then Tuesday I worked at Orville and Wilbur for the first time. It was actually really fund and reminded me of my old Bear Mt. days. OH! Random fact. I was in a mood on Tuesday and ended up tackling Chase in the RB lobby. Somehow or other it ended up with me wrapping my legs around his waist and my arm around his neck and he was on his hands and knees. He managed to stand up from that position with me still hanging off of his body. That's intense to do for anyone, let alone someone as small as him and someone as heavy as me (and don't worry, I'm not saying I'm fat, I'm actually a fairly healthy weight right now, but I'm still a heavy person and Chase is wiry) and then he picked me up over his shoulder. I ended up collapsing off because I didn't want to be in that position so I just released my ab muscles and since he's only slightly broad I just slid off his side. Then Wednesday I had classes and stuff and I learned I'd been rolling wrong. But I danced 3 hours, ran up 11 flights of stairs, and went running for a half hour.
My body really hurts right now.
Anyway, I'm about to get off work, so I'll be signing off.
Toodles!
-Jillian
Thursday, January 08, 2009
We were both young when I first saw you...
I'm sitting at work, yet again, munching on Doritos. So yes, I am one of those annoying telemarketers that eat when they're on the phone. Though I'll have you know that I stop chewing when I'm actually talking to someone. I'm not that tacky.
So, as to pondering on relationships. I don't know how I feel about them exactly. I remember a time where the idea of being alone my entire life scared me. I hated the idea of not having someone with me, to call my own. Blame it on the fact that I was constantly surrounded by people growing up, but the idea of living in a house by myself and having to go to the grocery store by myself and not having anyone there when I come home at night scared me. I've come to terms with that fear now, and the idea of being alone isn't an enjoyable one, but it's not one that causes me to have nervous fits and not be able to sleep at night. I can even go to the store by myself now!
One of my friends and I have been talking a lot about our relationships with people, both romantic and otherwise. I've come to the realization that I'm the kind of person who deeply connects with a few people and keeps most other people at arms length. I also don't go out of my way to make those connections with people unless there's someone specifically who interests me.
I miss liking someone. It's a fact. Not that liking someone and not having them like you back or liking someone and having them like you back and realizing it might end up badly is a happy feeling. I just miss that tingle when you see them and the silly butterflies you feel and how they make you happy by just being there. I miss knowing there's someone who wants to be with you more than they want to be with anyone else.
That's the thing though. When I like someone I don't just like them and then if they don't show interest move on and find another person to fixiate on. I've never understood how people are like that. As I said, when I connect with someone it's deeply. Once I like someone it's usually a big commitment. If I were to let myself like someone, if I were to fall easily it would be a long time before I got over it. (Which begs an unrelated question. Do you think it's possible to have deep, meaningful relationships with many people at the same time? Does that mean that you're going to be neglecting people you're close to and care for in order to foster those meaningful relationships with other people? Or is it better to focus on being close with only a few people at a time and placing them at priority?)
So what do I do? Do I gussy myself up? Put myself out there for all the world to see? I don't know about that. As I said before, I'm very much the kind of person who goes through life and realize that I like someone I already know. Unfortunately, there's not really anyone like that around me right now. Maybe I need to hang out with non-gay men. That might be a step in the right direction, considering I only hang out with one straight guy right now, and he's out of the question for liking. Not that I couldn't like him. I suppose I could really like him if I wanted to. But I think that's the thing. I don't want to go out of my way to like someone, I just want to find someone who inspires that in me without having to try, someone who just is. I want someone I can talk with about various subjects, not just focusing on two or three. I want someone who stimulates me intellectually. Let's face it, I've liked some um, less than stellar looking guys in my life, so I obviously put a lot more weight on personality than looks.
But that still leaves me in the dillema of what to do about this longing I feel to care for someone, to have this overwhelming desire to make sure they're taken care of. But I can't just produce this feeling for someone, nor do I want to. So I suppose that means I'm stuck.
Maybe this is just an adverse reaction to the winter weather. Maybe I'll just get a hug, go tanning, and hope that it goes away.
Toodles!
-Jillian
So, as to pondering on relationships. I don't know how I feel about them exactly. I remember a time where the idea of being alone my entire life scared me. I hated the idea of not having someone with me, to call my own. Blame it on the fact that I was constantly surrounded by people growing up, but the idea of living in a house by myself and having to go to the grocery store by myself and not having anyone there when I come home at night scared me. I've come to terms with that fear now, and the idea of being alone isn't an enjoyable one, but it's not one that causes me to have nervous fits and not be able to sleep at night. I can even go to the store by myself now!
One of my friends and I have been talking a lot about our relationships with people, both romantic and otherwise. I've come to the realization that I'm the kind of person who deeply connects with a few people and keeps most other people at arms length. I also don't go out of my way to make those connections with people unless there's someone specifically who interests me.
I miss liking someone. It's a fact. Not that liking someone and not having them like you back or liking someone and having them like you back and realizing it might end up badly is a happy feeling. I just miss that tingle when you see them and the silly butterflies you feel and how they make you happy by just being there. I miss knowing there's someone who wants to be with you more than they want to be with anyone else.
That's the thing though. When I like someone I don't just like them and then if they don't show interest move on and find another person to fixiate on. I've never understood how people are like that. As I said, when I connect with someone it's deeply. Once I like someone it's usually a big commitment. If I were to let myself like someone, if I were to fall easily it would be a long time before I got over it. (Which begs an unrelated question. Do you think it's possible to have deep, meaningful relationships with many people at the same time? Does that mean that you're going to be neglecting people you're close to and care for in order to foster those meaningful relationships with other people? Or is it better to focus on being close with only a few people at a time and placing them at priority?)
So what do I do? Do I gussy myself up? Put myself out there for all the world to see? I don't know about that. As I said before, I'm very much the kind of person who goes through life and realize that I like someone I already know. Unfortunately, there's not really anyone like that around me right now. Maybe I need to hang out with non-gay men. That might be a step in the right direction, considering I only hang out with one straight guy right now, and he's out of the question for liking. Not that I couldn't like him. I suppose I could really like him if I wanted to. But I think that's the thing. I don't want to go out of my way to like someone, I just want to find someone who inspires that in me without having to try, someone who just is. I want someone I can talk with about various subjects, not just focusing on two or three. I want someone who stimulates me intellectually. Let's face it, I've liked some um, less than stellar looking guys in my life, so I obviously put a lot more weight on personality than looks.
But that still leaves me in the dillema of what to do about this longing I feel to care for someone, to have this overwhelming desire to make sure they're taken care of. But I can't just produce this feeling for someone, nor do I want to. So I suppose that means I'm stuck.
Maybe this is just an adverse reaction to the winter weather. Maybe I'll just get a hug, go tanning, and hope that it goes away.
Toodles!
-Jillian
Unnecessary blog
Apparently I have 169 posts. Wow...not bad for, what? Three years of work?
There's really not much for me to say, except I love my roommates. Seriously, living with Mel and Danica is a blast. Not that we get to see each other all that much, but when we do it's awesome!
I went over to Jenn and Nick's last night. Before I headed over there I wasn't so sure I wanted to go, on account of it being dark, me driving alone and not feeling all that well. But I'd promised them I would go, so drive the 40 minutes I did. And it was a lot of fun, and I think I really needed it. Though I'm still feeling a little off-kilter today, which I'm trying to remedy by being uber productive. Which, by the way, only really works when you're in the proper state of mind. So while I'm trying to be uber productive I think I'm coming off as being only mildly productive.
I've been thinking a lot about dating and stuff like that lately, probably on account of having a friend or two that's obsessed with it. I don't know, it's weird. In my life I've always had the mindset that you go about life, living it like you need it to be lived, and you find someone and it'll work out. It's weird to be around people who are actually pursuing relationships. I don't know if I like it. I'll have to think on that some more.
Anyway, I should probably get off as this isn't helping in my "being productive" plan. I need to go print off a headshot and fill out some information. Love to all!
Toodles!
-Jillian
There's really not much for me to say, except I love my roommates. Seriously, living with Mel and Danica is a blast. Not that we get to see each other all that much, but when we do it's awesome!
I went over to Jenn and Nick's last night. Before I headed over there I wasn't so sure I wanted to go, on account of it being dark, me driving alone and not feeling all that well. But I'd promised them I would go, so drive the 40 minutes I did. And it was a lot of fun, and I think I really needed it. Though I'm still feeling a little off-kilter today, which I'm trying to remedy by being uber productive. Which, by the way, only really works when you're in the proper state of mind. So while I'm trying to be uber productive I think I'm coming off as being only mildly productive.
I've been thinking a lot about dating and stuff like that lately, probably on account of having a friend or two that's obsessed with it. I don't know, it's weird. In my life I've always had the mindset that you go about life, living it like you need it to be lived, and you find someone and it'll work out. It's weird to be around people who are actually pursuing relationships. I don't know if I like it. I'll have to think on that some more.
Anyway, I should probably get off as this isn't helping in my "being productive" plan. I need to go print off a headshot and fill out some information. Love to all!
Toodles!
-Jillian
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
It's the wet jeans and the chaffing...it's just not fun!
I am at work right now. This shouldn't be too horribly surprising since most of my blogs originate while I'm working because I'm so freaking bored! So I'm back in Provo, working at the call center as I type this. Probably not as you read it, HOPEFULLY since this job kind of drives me insane and I want to get a new one. I figure it's never good to want to spend as little time at your job as possible, especially when you make your own schedule.
So, onto the choice of my major. I've decided to audition for the MDT program, despite my refusals to ever participate in theatre again. I pretty much failed at that already, as I was not doing a show for two months and went insane so I auditioned at the Hale Center Theatre and was cast in their version of A Christmas Carol. That experience was amazing and it made me realize that I really do enjoy performing.
However, while I was in the bookstore today (that place is CRAZY at the beginning of semester!) I kept seeing all these amazing books. I was actually tempted to buy textbooks for classes I wasn't taking, just because they looked so cool! For instance, there was a book about U.S. history, and I really just wanted to take it and read it! And then there were instances when I saw books and was actually tempted to sign up for the classes they were required for.
Recently, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. I was talking with Chase one night and he said something really interesting. He said that everyone had a reason for the major they picked. It wasn't just something random that they picked off a dart board and figured they'd base their life around it. This got me thinking about why I was refused the idea of being a theatre major and instead focused on an academic major. What I realized was that, while I was always a fairly intelligent person, it wasn't until around my junior or senior years of high school where I actually thought I was smart. More importantly, it wasn't until then that I felt other people thought of me as smart. In my mind and the minds of others, I was the choir girl, the girl who did theatre, with a strong voice and the ability to act. It wasn't until the past few weeks that I realized I'd picked history over theatre because I felt like I had something to prove to people and to myself. It was me saying to the world "Hey look, I'm smart and can do more than just sing and act. I can think for myself and am not one of those people that perform because they can't do anything else."
So, upon realizing this, I was able to come to terms with my performer phobia and accept that I do, indeed, enjoy performing. But then today, I was thinking about it. Yeah, I enjoy performing and I'm good at it, but am I willing to give up something I love to learn about for something I love to do? Am I willing to give up pursuing academia in order to perform for a few years, because, honestly, I can't see myself performing for all of my life. Really, I want to be a professor. Teaching theatre wouldn't bother me, but I would really love to teach History. So what do I do now? Well, for starters I audition for the MDT program since I've already geared myself up for it. I figure I'll take things from there and play it by ear. For all I know I won't make it and then will be a history major and the choice will be made up for me.
Well, I only have 20 minutes left of work now. Maybe I should blog more often while I'm working, since I got my first - and only - booking while I was typing this.
However, I still think I'm going to try and find another job. I really want to work in retail since I love dressing people and clothes in general. I think it comes from my obsession with beauty and appearance. Not that I'm obsessed with physical appearance, but I am obsessed and really appreciate things that are beautiful or interesting to the eye. Hence why I love photography too. I love seeing beauty and brilliance in everyday things and trying to capture it in an artistic way that does justice to what I'm capturing.
Anyway, I've got to go. I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, but if you do, cool! I hope you enjoy reading my ramblings as much as I enjoy typing them!
Toodles!
-Jillian
So, onto the choice of my major. I've decided to audition for the MDT program, despite my refusals to ever participate in theatre again. I pretty much failed at that already, as I was not doing a show for two months and went insane so I auditioned at the Hale Center Theatre and was cast in their version of A Christmas Carol. That experience was amazing and it made me realize that I really do enjoy performing.
However, while I was in the bookstore today (that place is CRAZY at the beginning of semester!) I kept seeing all these amazing books. I was actually tempted to buy textbooks for classes I wasn't taking, just because they looked so cool! For instance, there was a book about U.S. history, and I really just wanted to take it and read it! And then there were instances when I saw books and was actually tempted to sign up for the classes they were required for.
Recently, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. I was talking with Chase one night and he said something really interesting. He said that everyone had a reason for the major they picked. It wasn't just something random that they picked off a dart board and figured they'd base their life around it. This got me thinking about why I was refused the idea of being a theatre major and instead focused on an academic major. What I realized was that, while I was always a fairly intelligent person, it wasn't until around my junior or senior years of high school where I actually thought I was smart. More importantly, it wasn't until then that I felt other people thought of me as smart. In my mind and the minds of others, I was the choir girl, the girl who did theatre, with a strong voice and the ability to act. It wasn't until the past few weeks that I realized I'd picked history over theatre because I felt like I had something to prove to people and to myself. It was me saying to the world "Hey look, I'm smart and can do more than just sing and act. I can think for myself and am not one of those people that perform because they can't do anything else."
So, upon realizing this, I was able to come to terms with my performer phobia and accept that I do, indeed, enjoy performing. But then today, I was thinking about it. Yeah, I enjoy performing and I'm good at it, but am I willing to give up something I love to learn about for something I love to do? Am I willing to give up pursuing academia in order to perform for a few years, because, honestly, I can't see myself performing for all of my life. Really, I want to be a professor. Teaching theatre wouldn't bother me, but I would really love to teach History. So what do I do now? Well, for starters I audition for the MDT program since I've already geared myself up for it. I figure I'll take things from there and play it by ear. For all I know I won't make it and then will be a history major and the choice will be made up for me.
Well, I only have 20 minutes left of work now. Maybe I should blog more often while I'm working, since I got my first - and only - booking while I was typing this.
However, I still think I'm going to try and find another job. I really want to work in retail since I love dressing people and clothes in general. I think it comes from my obsession with beauty and appearance. Not that I'm obsessed with physical appearance, but I am obsessed and really appreciate things that are beautiful or interesting to the eye. Hence why I love photography too. I love seeing beauty and brilliance in everyday things and trying to capture it in an artistic way that does justice to what I'm capturing.
Anyway, I've got to go. I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, but if you do, cool! I hope you enjoy reading my ramblings as much as I enjoy typing them!
Toodles!
-Jillian
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