This last week or so has been a little hard. I'm not exactly sure why, except that Heavenly Father still has more to teach me before I move down to Provo.

First, the whole thing with the boy happened. That's still happening, I suppose. It's just every now and then I meet a person whose philosophies and ways of life are so different than mine I can't help but find them interesting and incredibly confusing at the same time. I'm like the stupid kid at the zoo who stands too close to the monkey cage. I learn a lot, but sometimes I get poo slung at me. Sometimes it misses and sometimes I get hit with it.

A lovely analogy, I know.

Also, I've just been having the hardest time motivating myself to work. Which is saying something, because this is one of jobs I've loved the most. And yet there are sometime when I show up and just think "I don't want to serve tables today. I don't want to interact with people, I don't want to balance a huge tray of water glasses, I don't want to put in special orders, I just don't want to." So I go through the motions and get cut as soon as I can.

Which makes me wonder: is it possible I'm just easily bored or do I just suck at sticking things out?

That question has bothered me for at least a year, but it hasn't been until the past few weeks that I've realized it affects me on different levels.

1) How often I've changed my major. Believe it or not, I do actually think things through before I change my major. I don't just pull the most recent major out of a hat and roll with it. And yet, the past few times I've changed my major, two months later I find myself bored and not feeling fulfilled by the major I've chosen.

This brings on the second problem 2) I don't have any goals in life. When I tell this to people they're like "well, get some goals." Not so simple. Again, I find these goals - to speak another language, to read a certain book, to travel and tour a certain part of the world, to achieve a certain degree, and again, in two months or so I don't want that goal anymore. I've moved onto something new and different, something new and shiny has distracted me from something I really wanted SO badly.

Part of it might be that in order to succeed in some of these goals it takes lots of time to figure out the fine details and to plan. But I usually can't focus and research enough to ever come up with a total plan, I get bored with research too easily.

It's so frustrating for me! I see so many people in their lives who are filled with passions and have accomplished things and know where they're going in life...and then there's me. And I know that if I could just stick with something for more than a few months I could accomplish it. It's just finding something and forcing myself to stick with it.

I can't help but wonder how much this actually has to do with me being ADHD or if I really just suck at life. It could be a little bit of both. Or, it could again be that Heavenly Father has a reason for me to be this sporadic.

The more I look at life and religion the more I see how important it is to have a one on one relationship with Heavenly Father. You can't rely on society or anyone else to blindly lead you into what you're purpose is in life. You have to take what you're told, what you're fed, what you're exposed to, and study and analyze it with the aid of Heavenly Father. Only then will you be able to truly do what you're supposed to, to live the principles that you need.

Most of the time this will probably clash with what society says for you to do - even a "good" Mormon society. Sometimes it's not right for you to have a child within the first few years of marriage. Sometimes it's not right for you to live the conventional "mormon" life, with a cute little family. This is right for some people, but I can guarantee that no family is the same. No family fits into the same perfect mold. Every family grows, stretches, has trials, learns, according to what Heavenly Father has planned for them. And that's what's important.

I'm an echo of the eternal cry: LET THERE BE!

Here I go, musing once more. I really feel this is for my own amusement and gain. So why am I posting this on the internet you may ask and not just writing it in a journal? Maybe because I secretly enjoy knowing someone might discover it and read the thoughts I'm wrestling with right now.

I realize I'm not the exception to the rules. Or at least, I feel like i should realize this. I realize that all the things the prophets have said and all the rules set forth by them are for me just as much as they are for the masses.

And yet...

And yet I keep finding myself doing stupid things that may or may not fall under the category of disobedience, all the while rationalizing that certain rules, while they apply to me, should be adapted to fit me personally, as I truly feel should be done with gospel principles. We're not all cookie cutters and therefore cookie-cutter principles need not apply.

However...

However, I think I'm taking this principle to an extreme, saying that obvious standards of the gospel don't apply to me whenever I choose for them not too. And because of this I feel like I'm mixing things that are good for me with things that are bad for me in the blurry middle ground.

Also, I'm finding I'm having a hard time differentiating my feelings. I can't tell whether feelings of guilt or excitement or happiness are coming from Heavenly Father guiding me or from social stigmas or from past experiences influencing my current feelings and perceptions.

Plus...

Plus I'm not feeling settled. I keep looking for some place where I'm comfortable, some middle ground where I don't feel pushed and pulled in one hundred different directions, a place I'm not looking forward to leaving. I love living in West Valley, but I'm excited to get back to school. Yet even then I can't help but think about how stifled I sometimes feel while I'm there and wondering if maybe, just maybe, I'm supposed to be somewhere else, doing something else. Or maybe this feeling is what I need to keep progressing in life.

To top it all off I feel myself becoming more and more dumb as time goes by. Seriously. It's like I can feel the knowledge from 14 years of schooling slowly seeping out of my ear. People I talk to seem so full of knowledge and facts about art and life and I'm like "well...I can tell you about the best wines to pair with the Chicken Speidini at Macaroni Grill!"

Yeah, not so impressive.

However, all things are going as planned. I will be back in Provo in 3 weeks, attending school full time. So who knows? Maybe this too shall pass.

Toodles!

-Jillian

God writes the Gospel not in the Bible alone, but also on the trees, and in the flowers and clouds and stars

I'm currently sitting on a LoveSac in the mansion, surrounded by people and their technology. There are six of us here, all of us are either on a computer or an I-Pod touch. Things like this always make me laugh, as we all sit here together in our own little worlds, not interacting or speaking to each other, though most of us are touching somehow.

That being said, it's been an interesting couple of days. At the beginning of the week I was not feeling the happiest, and it got worse as the week progressed. By Thursday I pretty much hated everyone and everything, but then suddenly, after I went horseback riding on Friday I felt much better. Then Saturday was blessed, I slept in, went to the park, went swimming, drank some cocoa. It was wonderful. Today I went to church, wrote in my journal, went into the park, climbed some rocks, had a potluck full of amazing food, had some good conversation, and now we're waiting to watch a movie. If we ever watch the movie.

I've been learning a lot about myself lately. I've always known what annoys me, but I didn't understand how or why things annoyed me. Lately though, I've begun to think about myself and why I get angry and it's been really helpful. It's helping me keep control of my temper much better.

Tonight I think I'm going to sleep out in the yard with Maggie, Liza, Jenny, and maybe Jessica. It should be fun.

However, I'm going to go. We're watching the movie now. :)

toodles!

-Jillian

Sometimes...

Sometimes little mercies from the Lord come in the oddest form. I'm having a bit of a rough day today, but I'm trying to keep things together while I'm at work, hawking dead animal skins. Suddenly I just know I need to listen to some Ben Folds. I go onto Pandora and click on one of my radio stations, hoping something akin to Ben Folds comes on and Fred Jones Part 2 comes on, which is probably one of the most cathartic of all of his songs, and it's the live version as well, which makes it infinitely better because it has the little pre-song conversation about Brick tagged onto the end of it. And that song right now just kind of represents my mood and how I feel.

Sometimes I feel completely superfluous and unwanted in my own life. I know this is false, that there are many people who want and appreciate me. There are just certain times when I don't feel it even though I know it.

Sometimes my mood swings are really intense. Nothing much more horrible than usual, I just think I'm noticing them more easily. Also, I'm spending my time with the same people which makes it more noticeable when I love them one moment and then an hour later I can't be in the same room with them without wanting to scream.

Sometimes I feel like I can conquer the world, memorizing dozens of languages and traveling for my entire life. Other times I wonder if I'm going to graduate with my undergrad by the time I'm 30.

Sometimes I don't notice patterns I find in myself. Like that I love hearts on clothing. I now own a scarf, shoes, a back-pack and and I used to have a sweater with multi-colored hearts on them.

Sometimes I can't help but think that if I had started saving for college my freshman year of high school that life would be easier. And I think I'm right.

Toodles.

Jillian

10 Secret Confessions

1) I really like to be called girl.  I don't know why, but when a guys calls me that it brings a little flourish of butterflies to my tummy, and I love it.

2) I don't like West Yellowstone.  In fact, I mildly loathe it.  I could never willingly bring myself to spend more than 4 months here, and that's only if 2 of those months are spent in a dark theatre, rehearsing with all the free soda and popcorn I can consume.

3) I have this odd feeling in the pit of my stomach that I've been fighting down for the past two weeks that I'm supposed to go back to school this year, and that I'm going to be making some changes, hanging out with different people, meeting more people.  It's been interesting talking to Critter the past few weeks and learning about all these people that I know of, but don't actually know.  It makes me want to get to know them, and everybody else, much better than I already do.

4) There's also this odd feeling I have that I'm going to be doing some intense, fast, but not necessarily painful growing up this next year, as a performer as well as a person.  It's kind of exciting.

5) I like talking to people, one on one, or at least in a small group.  It enables you to ask questions you wouldn't be able to otherwise.

6) I hate when people ditch out on plans.  If you were invited to do something and said you were going to do it, than do it.  I don't care if something more fun or more interesting comes up, once you've given your word stick to it.  

7) I'm really REALLY upset I'm missing Jillian's wedding.  Like, a lot.  It's kind of killing my soul a little.  She's still one of my best friends and I'm not going to be there to celebrate her making that life changing covenant.

8) It used to take a lot to annoy me.  Now I get bothered very easily.  Seriously.  I've never wanted to punch so many people in the face in my life.

9) There are only 4, maybe 5 people I think I'll miss when this summer ends; there's only one, maybe two that I'll have withdrawals from and go out of my way to keep in contact with and visit.  Which is weird for me.  And it's not a problem with this cast, not at all, they're all amazing people.  I just don't know most of them that well.  I don't think the opportunities have really arisen to genuinely care about them.  I suppose that's what happens when we all live on top of each other.  You take the others existence for granted.  

10) I really like doing Footloose now.  I used to hate it, but for some reason now I love it.  Though, as silly as this sounds, being onstage with Critter intimidates me sometimes.  I feel like he's judging me even though he never says anything.  Very few people affect me like that, and I hate it when they do.  It drives me batty.  

Toodles!

Jillian

I'm going back to Jackson!

I never realized what a tender spot Jackson held in my heart until this summer.  West isn't a bad place, I just don't know it as well and there's nowhere I can run for cheap milk.  

That being said, I'm going to tell you a little bit about why my life is awesome right now.  

1) I went out to the lake yesterday.  Twice.  The first time I went with Julia, Stacey, Critter, and Sam and it was amazing, just what I needed to pull me through this week.  We laid out on the docks, built sand-castles, and most importantly, destroyed said sand-castles in the style of Godzilla, while catching it on tape.  We were all there for about an hour and a half, but then they all headed back so they could get ready for the show and such.  I didn't have to be back for another hour so I stayed out on the dock, sunbathing, swimming, and talking on the phone to Fune, who I miss dearly.  After a few more dips in the lake I headed back and did a show.  Afterwards Jenny and I headed back to the lake and we went skinny dipping, a first for both of us.  It wasn't really skinny dipping.  More like skinny jumping into the lake and getting out as fast as possible because it's a little creepy to be alone in the woods at night.  But it was wonderful nonetheless.  

2) I'm going to Jackson this weekend to see friends.  I know for a fact I have to go to Billy's Burger and Bubba's, but the rest of the places are a toss up.  I need to spend a week there just to eat all the food I want!  PLUS I get to see Becca and Emily!  I love those girls so so so much!  They inspire me so much and always seem to keep my head on straight.  

3) Last Sunday was the Walker 4th of July extravaganza and it was brilliant.  I rode on a dirt-bike and a 4-wheeler and played some intense games of horseshoes and croquet.  And yes, I realize the last part of the sentence makes me sound like I'm 75 with blue hair, but it really was quite fun.  Also, during part of that extravaganza Jenny and I had to run to I.F. to buy some stuff and we stopped to jump into Rigby lake and spent the rest of the night looking like washed out bohemians.  

As of right now I'm chilling at the cowhide place, attempting to sell dead animal skins.  And yes, it is as glamourous as it sounds.  It's free YNP weekend so all the tourists who are here aren't looking to spend any money on anything if they can help it, let alone drop $250 for a cowhide.  Oh well, it gives me time to blog.

So the entire cast at the theatre is attempting not to get sick.  Two night ago there was a family of about 40 who came to Secret Garden.  They're all sharing a cabin up in Island Park, but apparently the sharing a cabin idea isn't such a hot one, as about half the family has the flu.  That's right, the flu.  At least 4 kids puked at the show Thursday night, but I've heard as many as 8 actually vomited on our carpet.  It was ridiculous.  All the women are wearing these long flowing dresses and as we're running on and off-stage we're busy jumping over piles of puke.  It was not a happy time for us.  The best part was at least two of the kids who threw up stayed for the entire show.  And we had to shake hands with them afterwards.  *shudders*

That's pretty much all I have to say right about now.  I'll probably post Tuesday or Wednesday with tales of amazingness from Jackson!

Toodles!

-Jillian

Cause I'm a Woman, W. O. M. A. N.

I have lots of thoughts running through my head right now, so I'm going to purge them onto the computer screen.  

I've discovered I'm happiest with good friends and good conversation.  I'm okay as long as I have one or the other, but for the most part they're best together.

Harry Potter was beautiful and it was a good time to watch it too.  It's been long enough since I read the book that I'm not completely aware of what they left out, but I know enough to fill in the gaps that were left by the script.

I've decided we all like Guys and Dolls the best because the characters we play are all people we'd love to be but can't.

Dad's by himself up here and I'm hoping he's okay.  I haven't heard from him for a day or so.

I love Critter.  It makes me so happy to have a guy friend where there's no attraction involved on either end and we can honestly just enjoy each others company.  He's like an older brother to me - except one that I have to kiss on occasion.  

I get to see Becca and Em this weekend!  I'm so excited!  The only thing that would make it better was if Mel and Danica and Jillian were there too!

Tonight's Footloose.  I'm actually excited to do it because so far the camp kids have never really seen me sing or anything and they know everyone else really well from workshops and such.  That and sometimes Footloose is actually fun to do.  We'll just see how it goes with me running on 5 hours of sleep doing a double.  

I'm at work right now.  I haven't sold a cowhide in days and it kind of drives me insane.  I really don't think it's anything I'm doing.

I ate so horribly yesterday.  I have 2 pastries for breakfast (thanks Frank!) a wrap, 2 chocolate/caramel dipped marshmallows, half a box of whoppers, some popcorn, half of box of gobbstoppers, cake, and rootbeer.   The wrap was most definitely the healthiest part of my day as sad as that is.  

Yesterday was Jenny's birthday.  I feel bad because I didn't know until Frank told me yesterday around 12.  Today's Hannah's birthday, which means we're going to eat more junk food.

I got new pre-show songs!  I just have to finish memorizing them and then I'll whip 'em out, probably on Friday so I'll perform them on Saturday.

I get to go to Jackson this weekend!  Assuming it's okay with Em of course.  I'm so excited for the eating to begin!  I'm thinking Norah's, Bubba's, Jedediah's, Sidewinders, and quite possibly Merry Piglets.  But there are only so many meals in a day, so we'll see how it goes.

Last night Jessica made a comment that Kelly feels sort out like she's not included in a lot of things, but I think we all feel that up here.  We're all selfishly minded to an extent and don't often think of others or how they're feeling.  It's something me and Jenny have been talking about for a while.  Whenever I do things fun I try to include other people in them.  Usually though I don't do things just because I don't think anyone would want to go along with it.

That being said, Jenny and I went swimming this weekend.  We were all down in Rigby for the Walker 4th of July extravaganza (which was great fun, by the way) and I needed to go to Wal-Mart.  But on the way to I.F. from rigby there's a lake on the side of the road.  So Jenny and I went swimming in our clothes and were forced to buy new ones.  But it's okay, because the dress and scarf I bought are adorable.

I hate how dry and cracked my hands are up here.  And I need to clip my nails.

I'm halfway through my shift at work right now.  Then I get to go home and shower, then head to the theatre and have the little chillin's audition for me and Dave for the variety show tomorrow.  

I put an eyeliner scar on my head last night and danced around with a wand.  It was awesome.

No one's come into the shop for the past half hour.  People have talked about it as they walked by but no one's walked in.  Pooh.  This is why I don't sell cowhide's.

Today is payday.  Maybe I'll make it a pit stop in Rexburg this weekend and deposit the check.  I doubt they even have a bank in Ashton.  

I'm hungry, but I'm trying to decide if I want to wait until I go back to the mansion and make a legit breakfast or if I want to eat my smushed Pop-Tart.

Julie has a crush on Critter but he just wants to be friends.  It kind of makes me sad.  He's just very picky about who he likes.

I think it's weird when people carry grudges from high school.

Toodles!

-Jillian

I wonder, sometimes, about the outcome of this still verdict-less life

So, I slept in today until 12.  It was beautiful.  Apparently some people came in and tried to wake me up for church but I was completely clueless.  Here's the deal, we did our first double shows yesterday, one at 6 and one at 8:30.  We had 15 minutes between shows to empty the theatre, reset ALL of our presets (of which I have like, 6) change costumes, reset the set, then fill the theatre again.  It was CRAZY/exhausting.  I was so tired by the time we finished I just came home and crashed on the lovesac around 1.  Mattie June and Seth woke me up around 2 and I moved into my bed, still wearing my full-stage make up and passed out until 7 or so, when Julia woke me up.  I hopped in the shower, fully planning on sleeping for another hour when I was finished showering then getting up, and going to church.  However, I started my period and after that, my body was SO exhausted that hour turned into five.  

Also, my voice is soooo tired from belting straight for the past 3 weeks, I put myself on vocal rest today, so I've not been talking hardly at all.  Right now I just took some cold medicine so I can go to bed at a decent time to start rehearsing Guys and Dolls tomorrow.  Plus, I'm still congested and I try not to take decongestant unless I truly need to so I can avoid drying out while I'm singing.  

But the cold medicine kicked in a few seconds ago...so I think I'm going to go to bed...cuz I need to...

Just one more day up in the canyon...

I’ve had many epiphanies in life. Some are more important than others. For instance, the epiphany that I didn’t actually want to pursue Musical Theatre for my livelihood and that I could indeed survive this life without ever marrying were more monumental than my epiphany that I like mangoes and not strawberries because I’m a texture person.

I’ve had an epiphany recently and I’m not sure where this falls on the importance spectrum. As I’ve been away from my family, I’ve come to think of my friends as a surrogate family, Provo and certain apartments in them as my home. I hang out with them as much as possible. They clean me up when they’re a mess, I take care of them when they’re sick, we laugh together, we cry together, we defend one another, and we love each other.

Friends are not for entertainment value. Oh, sure, there are some that you hang out with just for the fact they’re funny or crazy; they don’t know intimate details about you, you don’t know any about them. Those people are more like buddies, acquaintances that you use to take your mind of things. And sure, you may send them a funny text message every now and then, receive a random picture of an awkwardly placed calzone in return, but you still don’t know much about them. You’re emotionally detached.

Then there are those that you know a little about, enough to think of them whenever you just want a chill night at home watching a movie and making brownies. You hang out with them, joke with them, but you’d never stay up past midnight shooting the shit about politics, religion, or your past transgression or issues going on in your life. If those things came up it would be a joking matter, making fun of something or someone, making light of the monsters we’re dealing with. You can call each other up for an occasional favor, to get a ride someplace or to have someone to goof off with at the grocery store. However, they don’t know the deeper side of you.

That side is reserved for the close friends. They’re the ones that you find yourselves texting throughout the day, wondering how they’re doing and how they’re feeling. They don‘t respond with the “oh hey, I‘m fine” unless they really are. You know what’s going on in their lives because you make it your business to find out and they make it their business to tell you. You support each other, let each other know you’re cared for and important. You trust each other. You’re honest with them, but you don’t crush them, because you know them well enough to know where to draw the line. They’re the ones you can rely on to be there for you, whether it’s at four in the morning or four in the evening. They’ll answer your call or text unless they’re something that physically stops them from doing so, like being at work, in class, or helping out another friend. In that case, they’ll see what’s up as soon as they’re able. If it’s something like you were just bored they may not call you back right away, until they get their life settled (which you understand, of course, because you know the crap that’s going down in their lives as noted above) but if they really need you, you’ll be there for them, because you care about them. They may not know everything about them, but it's not because you're not willing to tell them. They just love you without having to know. You write them little notes, send them flowers on opening nights, make them birthday cakes as a surprise. This kind of friendship is irreplaceable in a persons life. They teach you about yourself, instruct you, help you to grow and develop traits that will be useful when you get married someday. These people are the ones who support you when you’ve got nothing left. They are the earthly angels Heavenly Father puts in our lives.

Then there are best friends. Best friends come along once in a rare while. Someone who - by sheer coincidence, sometimes appearing as a tender mercy of God - enters your life. They pass almost immediately through being a buddy and a friend, into the close friend stage. They include and exemplify everything that’s in that stage, and more. When you talk to them they know the perfect thing to say, they talk about themselves just the right amount and let you talk when you need to. They somehow ask the right questions to get you to think. They listen when you talk and honestly try their hardest to make your life better. They’re the kind who won’t leave you, especially not when you’re in need. You would never leave them either. To do so would cause physical and emotional pain to yourself and the other person. They support you in what you want in life, but know you well enough to tell you when they think you’re pursuing something that’s wrong for them. You build your schedule around theirs so you can accomplish everything you need to do while still taking every opportunity to see and be with them. To see them hurt makes you hurt, and you would do anything in the world if you could ever stop them from wanting to cry. They’d do all of this for you if they could. You never feel like a burden to them, because you know it would hurt them more if there was something bothering you that you didn't share with them.

I’ve had my fair share of all of these friends in my life, and am, at this point in time, lucky enough to be surrounded by an awesome group of close friends. I have an amazing best friend or two as well, but am also finding out that sometimes those you care for as a best friend sometimes don't return the feeling, which hurts. Best friends can be your same sex or different, as long as that connection is there. We’re told to marry our best friends and I definitely understand why. When you add physical attraction to a bond as close as this one, it becomes almost unbreakable (however, I would also like to note that I think if you start out with physical attraction it’s a lot harder to get to the bond found in a best friend relationship. But that’s another theory of mine entirely.)

The ability to love and care is something that sets us apart from most other creatures on this earth. You don’t often see a group of bats just hanging around, having a few laughs and talking about the deeper things of life. Our ability to create and love are what elevates us above other species - trust me, I learned that from my biology class. And while it hurts sometimes, I thank Heavenly Father for that capacity to love and be loved. These emotions that bog us down and make us feel foolish and do idiotic things at times are also what makes us close to Christ. Not only do they enable us to feel the spirit in our lives, they also allow us to feel a sliver of what Christ must feel for each of us. A love powerful enough to sacrifice ourselves for. To see the good and humanity in people and love and care for them despite their flaws and imperfections. When people say Christ is our best friend, it’s because he is. He’s always there when we need him and he loves us more than himself. We have access to that, and we should do our best to give that to other people. To be a friend, and love and teach. To support. We should never take friends for granted. We should never pass up a chance to say "hey beautiful, how's your day?" or "Dear face, I like you. Just so you know." When you think of calling them do it. When you're worried about them, let them know. No one ever despaired because they were too loved.

Friends are not for entertainment. They are for perfecting ourselves and drawing each other closer to Christ.

Our lips may touch, and our cheeks can brush. Our lips, may touch...here

The lyrics of this song are taken from a HelloGoodbye song that I love quite dearly. I was just listening to it in Chase's car while I was playing hookey for the first half hour work today and he skipped his anatomy class. And I just realized how irresponsible that sounded. But really, we were being responsible because we spent that time printing off head-shots and Chase was getting his membership at Gold's taken care of. So really, we were irresponsibly responsible. PLUS I also deposited my check, printed off my resumes (which I mildly lied on...oh well, it happens) and got my new I.D. card today, in between work and rehearsal. And then tonight Chase and I are going grocery shopping so I can get milk, a black t-shirt for my audition outfits, probably some zycam or other cold-preventing medicine, and some hair-dye (yay going brown!) and he can get food so he can stop living off the carrots and mashed potatoes I gave him. So really, it's been quite productive today. After that all I need to do is study for my Bio exam, which shouldn't be too hard. I just have to identify some ducks.

They're are so many other things to write. For instance, I just used my inhaler for the first time in probably a good 8 or 9 months. The polution in the valley has been ridiculous lately and I think I actually had an asthma attack last night while I was sleeping. I woke up this morning and all the muslces around my lungs, front and back were sore like they were after the asthma attacks I've had before. So now I'm sitting here at work feeling a little twitchy. I hate that side-effect of the inhaler. I'm going to be twitching now for a while.

But I'm sitting here with a massive headache as well as twitching. I've already taken three advil for it, but I'm thinking it may be possibly due to me not drinking enough water today. I'm used to drinking about three liters of water a day and recently I've probably been drinking about one. Not to mention I misplaced my multi-vitamins yesterday so my body's missing that right now.

In a different vein, I got a letter from Raage yesterday. It was funny because Chase was over (we were "working" on our modern dance critique) and earlier Kels had run in with the mail, and dropped it on the table telling me that there was mail for me. I figured I would just grab it later, but a little while later Chase got up to get something, probably a drink and was immediately attracted to the Dove Promises lying on the table. After he picked one up he looked at the mail on the table and was all "there's a letter for you." So I looked at him and lo and behold, it was the plain brown envelopes that Raage always sent his letters in. It made me happy. Except Chase got jokingly upset that I was paying more attention to a letter than to him because, as he put it, "He's not here and he can't make you warm!"

But I can happily report that Raage is doing well and it was really good to hear from him. He also sent pictures...though I just realized the only person who I have the capacity to show them to would be Jenn and Nick if they're interested. But he really is doing well.

So there's not much else for me to say. I have auditions Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and am gearing up for those as well as my Bio test tomorrow and my HEPE test on Thursday, that way I can focus on my auditions once they happen. Of course, after those I'm going to be rehearsing for MDT showcase, so really, all I have to do is make it through Valentines Day and my life slows down a whole lot, and it'll be so wonderful to actually have time to go to the gym again. Of course I say that now, but honestly, I don't think my life will be calm for too horribly long. It never is.

Toodles!

-Jillian

I like where you are when we drive in my car...

Here I am, at work once again. Why am I always at work when I blog, I hear you asking. Well, the answer is fairly simple. Since the people over at the Geek squad completely ruined my life by misdiagnosing my computer, I don't have one at my house that I have easy access to, so my computer usage is limited to the times I'm at work.

Which I suppose it probably one of the only reasons I keep this job. Computer access. :)

I had a reason for blogging today, I really did. I just can't remember it right now.

So I promised Ben Waite that I would write real letters to a bunch of missionaries...unfortunately I don't have any of their addresses. Which reminds me, Mama and/or Papa, if you read this, can you get me Ben Pettit's address and Josef Meilke's too? Ben was wanting them so we can both write them. It was fun to talk to him though, even though it was breaking mission rules to Facebook Chat with me. I rationalized it by saying we were cousins and therefore it was totally okay.

What has happened the past few days...not much. Saturday Brock, Cameron, and I had adventures in Wal-Mart. Really Cameron and I had adventures in Wal-Mart and Brock was just there for some of them. They included - but are not limited to - turning on all the valentines day toys in the aisle and running away, having a pillow fight in the throw pillow aisle, and being hit on by an old man in a motorized cart. It was great. Especially because it was all done to the background music of Kelly Clarkson, Katie Perry, and the Pussycat Dolls. It was pretty much hilarious. It was also perfect because that was the weekend Becca and Tami came down to watch the show and when Kai's farewell was, so we all got together for dinner before the show and it was wonderful. Also, Kai's farwell was amazing. Me, Mel, and Danica ended up going and we cried. True story.

So it looks like I'm auditioning for the Playhouse, the Playmill and the Pink Garter. Pretty much it's going to come down to how much I get paid. Part of me is leaning towards doing Playmill just because I'll be out of Jackson which will make it easier for me to focus on making money. Which is something I definitely need right now. Jackson just has too much for me to do and explore and I know the areas I love so would easily be drawn to go back there again. However, it also depends on how much they're willing to pay actors as well as what roles I get. I know what roles I fit/want/think I would get at all the places, but a lot happens during auditions. For all I know I might end up spending the summer in La Grande...which might drive me slighly insane. I'd have to find a full-time job to keep me from being too horribly idle or else I would go crazy, and not in a good way.

I don't know though, we'll see how things go.

Anyway, I'm off for now. I'm going attempt to memorize and break-down my monologues for this weekend before I go to Chess with Kirsten. In other news, I don't have anything to do tomorrow so I can spend the entire time catching up on HEPE and working on my audition stuff. It'll be good.

Toodles!

-Jillian

If I were a boy...

I love this song by Beyonce (aka Sasha Fierce...but don't even get me started on that.) I also love Jack Johnson, which is what I'm listenting to right now.

What have I done the past few days? Not much. I'm realizing though, that I enjoy living life at a little slower pace than I'm used to. For instance, I'm used to being busy and having to be somewhere pretty much every minute of every day. Lately, however, I've had free time in between classes or work schedules where I do things that I need to get done. It's kind of nice. I managed to pay two bills, turn in my FASFA, cook dinner, exercise, fill out a scholarship application, and look for monologues yesterday. Oh, and I climbed 11 flights of stairs. But that wasn't really in my free-time or by choice. It was out of necessity to get to classes and to my apartment.

However, I just took a test online and it told me I need to eat 1600 calories a day to lose 1 pound a week. HA! As of this moment in time I've eaten 805 calories for the day. Like I'll be able to make it to 1600 while still eating healthy food. I think not...

When did I write last? I don't know if I've written anytime this week. I've been writing in my journal lately, thanks to the inspiration and motivation of Chase Thomas. Monday night we watched Legally Blonde over at Brocks, and by "we" I mean Cameron, Brock, myself, and Chase. Then Tuesday I worked at Orville and Wilbur for the first time. It was actually really fund and reminded me of my old Bear Mt. days. OH! Random fact. I was in a mood on Tuesday and ended up tackling Chase in the RB lobby. Somehow or other it ended up with me wrapping my legs around his waist and my arm around his neck and he was on his hands and knees. He managed to stand up from that position with me still hanging off of his body. That's intense to do for anyone, let alone someone as small as him and someone as heavy as me (and don't worry, I'm not saying I'm fat, I'm actually a fairly healthy weight right now, but I'm still a heavy person and Chase is wiry) and then he picked me up over his shoulder. I ended up collapsing off because I didn't want to be in that position so I just released my ab muscles and since he's only slightly broad I just slid off his side. Then Wednesday I had classes and stuff and I learned I'd been rolling wrong. But I danced 3 hours, ran up 11 flights of stairs, and went running for a half hour.

My body really hurts right now.

Anyway, I'm about to get off work, so I'll be signing off.

Toodles!

-Jillian

We were both young when I first saw you...

I'm sitting at work, yet again, munching on Doritos. So yes, I am one of those annoying telemarketers that eat when they're on the phone. Though I'll have you know that I stop chewing when I'm actually talking to someone. I'm not that tacky.

So, as to pondering on relationships. I don't know how I feel about them exactly. I remember a time where the idea of being alone my entire life scared me. I hated the idea of not having someone with me, to call my own. Blame it on the fact that I was constantly surrounded by people growing up, but the idea of living in a house by myself and having to go to the grocery store by myself and not having anyone there when I come home at night scared me. I've come to terms with that fear now, and the idea of being alone isn't an enjoyable one, but it's not one that causes me to have nervous fits and not be able to sleep at night. I can even go to the store by myself now!

One of my friends and I have been talking a lot about our relationships with people, both romantic and otherwise. I've come to the realization that I'm the kind of person who deeply connects with a few people and keeps most other people at arms length. I also don't go out of my way to make those connections with people unless there's someone specifically who interests me.

I miss liking someone. It's a fact. Not that liking someone and not having them like you back or liking someone and having them like you back and realizing it might end up badly is a happy feeling. I just miss that tingle when you see them and the silly butterflies you feel and how they make you happy by just being there. I miss knowing there's someone who wants to be with you more than they want to be with anyone else.

That's the thing though. When I like someone I don't just like them and then if they don't show interest move on and find another person to fixiate on. I've never understood how people are like that. As I said, when I connect with someone it's deeply. Once I like someone it's usually a big commitment. If I were to let myself like someone, if I were to fall easily it would be a long time before I got over it. (Which begs an unrelated question. Do you think it's possible to have deep, meaningful relationships with many people at the same time? Does that mean that you're going to be neglecting people you're close to and care for in order to foster those meaningful relationships with other people? Or is it better to focus on being close with only a few people at a time and placing them at priority?)

So what do I do? Do I gussy myself up? Put myself out there for all the world to see? I don't know about that. As I said before, I'm very much the kind of person who goes through life and realize that I like someone I already know. Unfortunately, there's not really anyone like that around me right now. Maybe I need to hang out with non-gay men. That might be a step in the right direction, considering I only hang out with one straight guy right now, and he's out of the question for liking. Not that I couldn't like him. I suppose I could really like him if I wanted to. But I think that's the thing. I don't want to go out of my way to like someone, I just want to find someone who inspires that in me without having to try, someone who just is. I want someone I can talk with about various subjects, not just focusing on two or three. I want someone who stimulates me intellectually. Let's face it, I've liked some um, less than stellar looking guys in my life, so I obviously put a lot more weight on personality than looks.

But that still leaves me in the dillema of what to do about this longing I feel to care for someone, to have this overwhelming desire to make sure they're taken care of. But I can't just produce this feeling for someone, nor do I want to. So I suppose that means I'm stuck.

Maybe this is just an adverse reaction to the winter weather. Maybe I'll just get a hug, go tanning, and hope that it goes away.

Toodles!

-Jillian

Unnecessary blog

Apparently I have 169 posts. Wow...not bad for, what? Three years of work?

There's really not much for me to say, except I love my roommates. Seriously, living with Mel and Danica is a blast. Not that we get to see each other all that much, but when we do it's awesome!

I went over to Jenn and Nick's last night. Before I headed over there I wasn't so sure I wanted to go, on account of it being dark, me driving alone and not feeling all that well. But I'd promised them I would go, so drive the 40 minutes I did. And it was a lot of fun, and I think I really needed it. Though I'm still feeling a little off-kilter today, which I'm trying to remedy by being uber productive. Which, by the way, only really works when you're in the proper state of mind. So while I'm trying to be uber productive I think I'm coming off as being only mildly productive.

I've been thinking a lot about dating and stuff like that lately, probably on account of having a friend or two that's obsessed with it. I don't know, it's weird. In my life I've always had the mindset that you go about life, living it like you need it to be lived, and you find someone and it'll work out. It's weird to be around people who are actually pursuing relationships. I don't know if I like it. I'll have to think on that some more.

Anyway, I should probably get off as this isn't helping in my "being productive" plan. I need to go print off a headshot and fill out some information. Love to all!

Toodles!

-Jillian

It's the wet jeans and the chaffing...it's just not fun!

I am at work right now. This shouldn't be too horribly surprising since most of my blogs originate while I'm working because I'm so freaking bored! So I'm back in Provo, working at the call center as I type this. Probably not as you read it, HOPEFULLY since this job kind of drives me insane and I want to get a new one. I figure it's never good to want to spend as little time at your job as possible, especially when you make your own schedule.

So, onto the choice of my major. I've decided to audition for the MDT program, despite my refusals to ever participate in theatre again. I pretty much failed at that already, as I was not doing a show for two months and went insane so I auditioned at the Hale Center Theatre and was cast in their version of A Christmas Carol. That experience was amazing and it made me realize that I really do enjoy performing.

However, while I was in the bookstore today (that place is CRAZY at the beginning of semester!) I kept seeing all these amazing books. I was actually tempted to buy textbooks for classes I wasn't taking, just because they looked so cool! For instance, there was a book about U.S. history, and I really just wanted to take it and read it! And then there were instances when I saw books and was actually tempted to sign up for the classes they were required for.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. I was talking with Chase one night and he said something really interesting. He said that everyone had a reason for the major they picked. It wasn't just something random that they picked off a dart board and figured they'd base their life around it. This got me thinking about why I was refused the idea of being a theatre major and instead focused on an academic major. What I realized was that, while I was always a fairly intelligent person, it wasn't until around my junior or senior years of high school where I actually thought I was smart. More importantly, it wasn't until then that I felt other people thought of me as smart. In my mind and the minds of others, I was the choir girl, the girl who did theatre, with a strong voice and the ability to act. It wasn't until the past few weeks that I realized I'd picked history over theatre because I felt like I had something to prove to people and to myself. It was me saying to the world "Hey look, I'm smart and can do more than just sing and act. I can think for myself and am not one of those people that perform because they can't do anything else."

So, upon realizing this, I was able to come to terms with my performer phobia and accept that I do, indeed, enjoy performing. But then today, I was thinking about it. Yeah, I enjoy performing and I'm good at it, but am I willing to give up something I love to learn about for something I love to do? Am I willing to give up pursuing academia in order to perform for a few years, because, honestly, I can't see myself performing for all of my life. Really, I want to be a professor. Teaching theatre wouldn't bother me, but I would really love to teach History. So what do I do now? Well, for starters I audition for the MDT program since I've already geared myself up for it. I figure I'll take things from there and play it by ear. For all I know I won't make it and then will be a history major and the choice will be made up for me.

Well, I only have 20 minutes left of work now. Maybe I should blog more often while I'm working, since I got my first - and only - booking while I was typing this.

However, I still think I'm going to try and find another job. I really want to work in retail since I love dressing people and clothes in general. I think it comes from my obsession with beauty and appearance. Not that I'm obsessed with physical appearance, but I am obsessed and really appreciate things that are beautiful or interesting to the eye. Hence why I love photography too. I love seeing beauty and brilliance in everyday things and trying to capture it in an artistic way that does justice to what I'm capturing.

Anyway, I've got to go. I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, but if you do, cool! I hope you enjoy reading my ramblings as much as I enjoy typing them!

Toodles!

-Jillian