At this point, I want to quit almost everything. It's not that I'm feeling overwhelmed, really. I just want to be able to breathe once in a while. I was thinking about my schedule today and I realized I'm not going to have any time. I mean, yeah, I'll have an hour between two of my classes and about an hour and fifteen minutes between school and work, and maybe a half hour between work and rehearsal, and then another hour after rehearsal where I'll try and crunch in some homework. It doesn't stress me out too much, oddly enough, it's what I've been doing most of my life.
I guess I'm just tiring of it a little. I'm tired of - excuse the language, but it's the only way I've ever heard it put - half-assing it through life. I'm tired of doing what I need to do just so I can get by, because I don't have enough time or energy to do otherwise.
For instance, I really want to learn Spanish. Raage's been attempting to help me a little, but you can only do so much when you're 500 miles away and using messaging on Facebook. Anyway, I was planning on calling him last night, but some things happened and when I should've called him so he could clarify the word que for me, I was over at Tristans watching Heroes. I would've been like "hey Tristan, I've got to go" except that we had just barely set everything up and him and Aaron had used, like, a half hour or so of their time just so I could watch it. So I'm like "okay, I'll call him tomorrow." Except, well, I'll have you refer to my afore mentioned schedule for today to understand the problem with that.
And so it is with life. There are some things I'm completely fascinated by, but will never be able to do more than scratch the surface of because I don't have the time. The days slip by and I'm left with a lot of "oh, I'll do this tomorrow"s. I mean, like the whole exercise thing. I really want to start exercising, but there isn't enough time! Whenever I think I can do it between classes, I can't because I have to write a paper or read a chapter or two in a book or go sell stupid advertisements.
At this point, I would love nothing more than to quit my job, not go to Rexburg, not audition for scholarships, not worry about China and how I'm going to get another freakin' thousdand dollars in two weeks, and just focus on school and learning and growing closer to Heavenly Father. And maybe focus on myself and what I really want for a while. There are so many things going on during the day, I sometimes am afraid that I'm missing something that's important for me to know.
But I know I can't quit. I'm not a flake like that. When I say I'll do something and commit to it, I'm stuck. Including calling Raage tonight, or at least letting him know that I can't.
So I will continue on, skating through life, barely getting by in everything I'm doing. It's not so bad, I guess. It's gotten me this far, hasn't it?
Monday, January 22, 2007
Sunday, January 14, 2007
The Weekend
So, I haven't seen my friends for like, two days and I'm having withdrawls. I'm not joking. I'm such a spazzoid! I'm missing my friends. I think I was missing Jeffrey about, six hours after I saw him last, though I blame that on him being gone and me not being able to see him. Anyhoo, I think I'll chalk this all up to...wow...I totally forgot what I was going to put there as an excuse for my odd obsessive clinginess. OH! Now I remember! I chalk it up to you guys being such cool people. Ha ha! I am brilliant!
I like my Spanish class...a lot. It's so much fun...and yes, I'm a weirdo. I've come to that realization actually. I'm quite weird; I enjoy choral music, speaking random spanish, having nonsensical conversation, laughing at stupidity, watching myself dance in the mirror, thinking in written form, and philosiphizing scripture and the deeper meaning of different things. But I pretty much like myself. Well, sometimes. But that's a completely different can of worms.
So, school's going well. Well, the week that I've had of it. My head is still above water, but let's see how that is in a few weeks, eh? I'm going to go haul butt and and sell advertisements tomorrow. Tomorrow's going to be hard core! I have to work, sell advertisements, move, study for math and spanish...I think that's it.
Man, I wish I knew more! Seriously! Like, all the stuff going on in the Middle East. Somalia for instance. Raage told me some of it's history, but I don't know enough about it to truly grasp the importance of what's going on there right now, so I'm relying on others for my opinions, which I don't want to do. But I can't seem to wrap my head around it - and I don't have enough time to try. Which is frustrating. I guess I'll just have to sit and wait until my life slows down enough that I can do some self-study.
I hate having to be patient.
Hm...I think this might be all I'm going to blog for now. It's a quarter til 11, and I think I'm getting up early so I might turn in. ...heh...I almost believed that myself for a second. I might actually go to bed and read scriptures for a while, until I fall asleep. Even though Jeffrey was supposed to call me and tell me if Jim and Pam hooked up. I really want to get on top of that. I mean, if they hooked up, where's the sexual tension going to come from? I love sexual tension, it makes the world interesting. I miss having it myself, actually.
Aaaaaanyway, It's 11 now, so I'm thinking I'll head up stairs and begin my sleepy routine. Goodnight all!
Toodles!
-Jillian
I like my Spanish class...a lot. It's so much fun...and yes, I'm a weirdo. I've come to that realization actually. I'm quite weird; I enjoy choral music, speaking random spanish, having nonsensical conversation, laughing at stupidity, watching myself dance in the mirror, thinking in written form, and philosiphizing scripture and the deeper meaning of different things. But I pretty much like myself. Well, sometimes. But that's a completely different can of worms.
So, school's going well. Well, the week that I've had of it. My head is still above water, but let's see how that is in a few weeks, eh? I'm going to go haul butt and and sell advertisements tomorrow. Tomorrow's going to be hard core! I have to work, sell advertisements, move, study for math and spanish...I think that's it.
Man, I wish I knew more! Seriously! Like, all the stuff going on in the Middle East. Somalia for instance. Raage told me some of it's history, but I don't know enough about it to truly grasp the importance of what's going on there right now, so I'm relying on others for my opinions, which I don't want to do. But I can't seem to wrap my head around it - and I don't have enough time to try. Which is frustrating. I guess I'll just have to sit and wait until my life slows down enough that I can do some self-study.
I hate having to be patient.
Hm...I think this might be all I'm going to blog for now. It's a quarter til 11, and I think I'm getting up early so I might turn in. ...heh...I almost believed that myself for a second. I might actually go to bed and read scriptures for a while, until I fall asleep. Even though Jeffrey was supposed to call me and tell me if Jim and Pam hooked up. I really want to get on top of that. I mean, if they hooked up, where's the sexual tension going to come from? I love sexual tension, it makes the world interesting. I miss having it myself, actually.
Aaaaaanyway, It's 11 now, so I'm thinking I'll head up stairs and begin my sleepy routine. Goodnight all!
Toodles!
-Jillian
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Psalm 13
How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and hear me, O LORD my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;
Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.
But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.
I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.
I love these scriptures. A friend of mine was having a really hard time on his mission, and he turned to these scriptures and I thought I'd share them with you, even though they don't necessarily reflect my mood right now. I just really like them.
Consider and hear me, O LORD my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;
Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.
But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.
I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.
I love these scriptures. A friend of mine was having a really hard time on his mission, and he turned to these scriptures and I thought I'd share them with you, even though they don't necessarily reflect my mood right now. I just really like them.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Cheers
An interesting thing happened today. My Grandpa called my dad with the news that someone had died of cancer. I had no idea who this person was, though her name sounded vaguely familiar. It might have been Tammy Prince of Pam something-with-a-D, I'm not certain. All I know is that when my dad told my mom, they were both shocked by the fact that she had died - she was only a year younger than my dad, meaning she was two and a half years younger than my mom. I was equally as shocked, but for a completely different reason.
This woman that died three years ago was one of my dad's former girlfriends. She dumped him sometime during High School to date his best friend. The best friend and this girl later married and my dad moved on and found my mom - much to my joy and relief. But her youth or her relationshp with my father wasn't what shocked me - my dad and mom often talk about their former "significant others" which is why I recognized her name. What shocked me was that my dad remembered her.
He remembered her.
You will go through life, and 99% of the people you meet you won't remember in a few years. You will not remember most in a few months or weeks, possibly even days. But then there are those that touch you deeply, that you will remember twenty years after your last encounter with them. They are the girlfriends, the boy friends, the best friends, people who - when they leave or situations change - leave places in your heart that can never be filled exactly the same by any other person, not matter how special those people are. They are people who are irreplacable.
I still remember a true story someone told me once, about a woman who was best friends with a guy. They were as close and close can be, but something happened that caused them to get in a huge row and not talk again. The girl later married, and while she loved her husband and wouldn't trade him for anyone else, there were still some times when she felt the need for that best friend to be there, for his kind of comfort and advice.
And so it is whenever you get close to someone. You give a peice of yourself to them, and whether you realize it or not, you're never going to get that peice back. They will carry it with them forever, so until, twenty-five years down the road, you get a call telling that they died of cancer, and you realize what they were, their significance in your life, that a peice of you was still with them.
How many people have a given a peice of myself to? How many more will carry a little chunk of me around with them while they go collect others? How many peices do I have, possibly taken carelessly by someone who gave tenderly?
I'm not egotistical enough to think that I'm a memorable person. I know that three or four years down the road, most of the people in, say, choir won't remember a single thing about me, including my name. When I die, the world probably won't mourn, there won't be thousands at my funeral. But I do know that there will be friends from Ontario talking about my exploits in band, the Nielsens will talk about growing up in Lansing and playing tree-tag, my friends now will talk about how I always fell asleep during movies and had an obsession with cuddling. Who knows what else will be said by that 1% of people who will touch and shape my life, the people that I allowed close enough to take something memorable from my existence?
So, here's my oopah, to the best friends, the boyfriends, the enemies turned friend. You will be remembered. Cheers to you. May your lives be blessed.
-Jillian
This woman that died three years ago was one of my dad's former girlfriends. She dumped him sometime during High School to date his best friend. The best friend and this girl later married and my dad moved on and found my mom - much to my joy and relief. But her youth or her relationshp with my father wasn't what shocked me - my dad and mom often talk about their former "significant others" which is why I recognized her name. What shocked me was that my dad remembered her.
He remembered her.
You will go through life, and 99% of the people you meet you won't remember in a few years. You will not remember most in a few months or weeks, possibly even days. But then there are those that touch you deeply, that you will remember twenty years after your last encounter with them. They are the girlfriends, the boy friends, the best friends, people who - when they leave or situations change - leave places in your heart that can never be filled exactly the same by any other person, not matter how special those people are. They are people who are irreplacable.
I still remember a true story someone told me once, about a woman who was best friends with a guy. They were as close and close can be, but something happened that caused them to get in a huge row and not talk again. The girl later married, and while she loved her husband and wouldn't trade him for anyone else, there were still some times when she felt the need for that best friend to be there, for his kind of comfort and advice.
And so it is whenever you get close to someone. You give a peice of yourself to them, and whether you realize it or not, you're never going to get that peice back. They will carry it with them forever, so until, twenty-five years down the road, you get a call telling that they died of cancer, and you realize what they were, their significance in your life, that a peice of you was still with them.
How many people have a given a peice of myself to? How many more will carry a little chunk of me around with them while they go collect others? How many peices do I have, possibly taken carelessly by someone who gave tenderly?
I'm not egotistical enough to think that I'm a memorable person. I know that three or four years down the road, most of the people in, say, choir won't remember a single thing about me, including my name. When I die, the world probably won't mourn, there won't be thousands at my funeral. But I do know that there will be friends from Ontario talking about my exploits in band, the Nielsens will talk about growing up in Lansing and playing tree-tag, my friends now will talk about how I always fell asleep during movies and had an obsession with cuddling. Who knows what else will be said by that 1% of people who will touch and shape my life, the people that I allowed close enough to take something memorable from my existence?
So, here's my oopah, to the best friends, the boyfriends, the enemies turned friend. You will be remembered. Cheers to you. May your lives be blessed.
-Jillian
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Reflections on Life
Wow. I feel like I haven't blogged forever, when it's really only been about 5 days. I always go through life thinking "hm...I should blog these thoughts, feelings, and experiences" but then I forget what they are, or I just don't feel like blogging it when I can get a hold of a computer. It's like dipping your hand into a cool pool of water and feeling it trickle through your fingers. It's the feeling of having a grasp on brilliance and happiness and feeling it slide away.
I had some cool experiences today. If someone asked what I did today it would be simple: I went down to Ontario for a Dr.'s appointment. But man, it's such a cool feeling to be driving along, wrapped up in yourself, and to look out the window and say "wow...this world is a gorgeous place. Thank you Heavenly Fathe." But what's beautiful and awe inspiring enough between here and Ontario to startle me from a good book? Everything. The day is cold and wet and gray and - so most people would think - completely depressing. But right now I'm looking out the window in my bedroom and watching the townlights twinkle on as darkness settles while a thick storm cloud shrouds the white top of Mt. Emily, and I realize what a beautiful world I've been blessed to live in.
Contentment is an interesting feeling. It's not a feeling of overwhelming joy, it's not passion. It's not exhilerating or invigorating. It just is. Like me. I am.
Being is not a bad thing. In fact, I think it's probably a better mindset than the one I've been in lately. I've gotten myself into some destructive habits lately. I've become "addicted" to people and activities that I shouldn't be obsessed with. Not that I've picked up a cigarette or gone anywhere near beer. I was sent a cool quote through my e-mail the other day that started me thinking on what, exactly, could be constituted as an addiction.
"...Curiosityand peer pressure are selfish reasons to dabble with addictive substances.We should stop and consider the full consequences, not just to ourselves and our futures, but also to our loved ones..."
So I began thinking, what is an addictive substance? Automatically beer and cigarettes, pornography and gambling came to mind. But what about dating? What about flirting and kissing, and work, attention, the opposite sex, cuddling, friends, yourself? Can't all these things become addictions? Can't all of these become obsessions?
I once heard someone liken people unto a bicycle wheel; there are spokes for everything. You have your spoke for church, your spoke for friends, school, work, spirituality, etc. A perfectly balanced person has all the spokes even and balanced (note: if we weren't living in the world and didn't have to make a living to survive, the spokes wouldn't have to be even. Unfortunately, we do, so we're screwed) so that the wheel rolls smoothly. Problems come in life when one spoke because too long, leaving one or two other spokes coming up too short. This isn't to say that there aren't times in life when spokes shouldn't be uneven. For example, while on a mission or preparing for one, they should be uneven. But right now, they all need to be balanced.
I guess what I'm saying is that, right now, I'm sawing off certain spokes and trying to meld them onto others to achieve more balance. It's an interesting and hard and sometimes I think I'm messing everything up and I want to give up and stop trying. But I can't. I've had a few of those moments, but I guess I'm becoming stronger, because I'm feeling content. It's a shaky sort of contentment, one that can be jostled like the last brown leaf hanging onto a bare branch in a November storm, but I'm content. I'm content. Now, contentment is not a way of saying I'm giving up and not trying to improve anymore. No way. I have so much to improve on. I see some of my weaknesses now, and instead of feeling overwhelmed I feel inspired.
I want to be the best that I can. I know I need help from others - I'm a firm believer that Heavenly Father places certain people where they are so they can be instruments in his hands - but I know now that I can't rely on others for everything in my life.
I suppose I really am growing up. And you know what? It's not that bad.
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
I had some cool experiences today. If someone asked what I did today it would be simple: I went down to Ontario for a Dr.'s appointment. But man, it's such a cool feeling to be driving along, wrapped up in yourself, and to look out the window and say "wow...this world is a gorgeous place. Thank you Heavenly Fathe." But what's beautiful and awe inspiring enough between here and Ontario to startle me from a good book? Everything. The day is cold and wet and gray and - so most people would think - completely depressing. But right now I'm looking out the window in my bedroom and watching the townlights twinkle on as darkness settles while a thick storm cloud shrouds the white top of Mt. Emily, and I realize what a beautiful world I've been blessed to live in.
Contentment is an interesting feeling. It's not a feeling of overwhelming joy, it's not passion. It's not exhilerating or invigorating. It just is. Like me. I am.
Being is not a bad thing. In fact, I think it's probably a better mindset than the one I've been in lately. I've gotten myself into some destructive habits lately. I've become "addicted" to people and activities that I shouldn't be obsessed with. Not that I've picked up a cigarette or gone anywhere near beer. I was sent a cool quote through my e-mail the other day that started me thinking on what, exactly, could be constituted as an addiction.
"...Curiosityand peer pressure are selfish reasons to dabble with addictive substances.We should stop and consider the full consequences, not just to ourselves and our futures, but also to our loved ones..."
So I began thinking, what is an addictive substance? Automatically beer and cigarettes, pornography and gambling came to mind. But what about dating? What about flirting and kissing, and work, attention, the opposite sex, cuddling, friends, yourself? Can't all these things become addictions? Can't all of these become obsessions?
I once heard someone liken people unto a bicycle wheel; there are spokes for everything. You have your spoke for church, your spoke for friends, school, work, spirituality, etc. A perfectly balanced person has all the spokes even and balanced (note: if we weren't living in the world and didn't have to make a living to survive, the spokes wouldn't have to be even. Unfortunately, we do, so we're screwed) so that the wheel rolls smoothly. Problems come in life when one spoke because too long, leaving one or two other spokes coming up too short. This isn't to say that there aren't times in life when spokes shouldn't be uneven. For example, while on a mission or preparing for one, they should be uneven. But right now, they all need to be balanced.
I guess what I'm saying is that, right now, I'm sawing off certain spokes and trying to meld them onto others to achieve more balance. It's an interesting and hard and sometimes I think I'm messing everything up and I want to give up and stop trying. But I can't. I've had a few of those moments, but I guess I'm becoming stronger, because I'm feeling content. It's a shaky sort of contentment, one that can be jostled like the last brown leaf hanging onto a bare branch in a November storm, but I'm content. I'm content. Now, contentment is not a way of saying I'm giving up and not trying to improve anymore. No way. I have so much to improve on. I see some of my weaknesses now, and instead of feeling overwhelmed I feel inspired.
I want to be the best that I can. I know I need help from others - I'm a firm believer that Heavenly Father places certain people where they are so they can be instruments in his hands - but I know now that I can't rely on others for everything in my life.
I suppose I really am growing up. And you know what? It's not that bad.
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
-Ether 12:27
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