I hate this place right now. I just want to get away from these stupid people with all their stupid issues that they're too immature to solve themselves. And I'm not saying I'm not one of them sometimes, because I am. I do my own fair share of immature, stupid things. But at this point in time I think I might explode and possibly punch someone. That's the mood I'm in right now. I'm tired of being lied to, either by word or action. Just shut up and be nice to people! Quite bitching about life and how horrible it is. It's only horrible because you're miserable and can't stand to see others be happy in any way, shape, or form. So you've been wronged by someone. Tough luck. You're not special. You don't have special "my life sucks more than yours so I'm going to complain about how you make me miserable" privileges. Sorry. Game over. You lose.

Name: Jillian Wheeler. Except I'm looking for ways to make it sound more foreign...suggestions anyone?

Nicknames: Oh heavens, here we go. Jill, Pill, Pillian, The Fillian, Jilly Bean, Bobe, Bobo, Bobolina, bobolanie, bobolicious, many other variations on the same theme.

Birthplace: East Lansing, Michigan, suckas. I grew up in the hood.

Current Location: Jackson Hole, Wyoming (to be pronounced with a very obvious country accent)

Hair Color: Brown...boring...

Eye Color: Brown...with slight bits of green, so a little less boring

Height: 5'4" and proud of every inch

Tatoos?: Fetch no.

Piercings?: Earings, though they're not used much.

Overused Phrase: Huh?

Bedtime: It's been getting progressively later. Now it's around 2:30, 3 o'clock-ish

Best Physical Feature: Um...my teeth are pretty nice. For $3,000 and three years of metal in my mouth they had better be.

Most Embarassing Moment: Too many to choose from, though they usually end up funny since they tend to invovle the hurting of my body in some way.

Most Missed Memory: Anything that has to do with the end of Senior year, before all my friends went away.

First Thought When You Wake Up: Well crap, what time is it?!

Weakness: Good smelling guys

Best Friends: Jeff, Beckah, Mollie, Katelyn

Goal For The Year: Psh, I'm not even thinking of the year. I'm just trying to make it through this summer.

Water or Milk...: That's just mean.
Coffee or Hot Chocolate...: Hot cocoa all the way. It's my alcohol...

Hugs or Kisses...: Hugs. They make everything better. But so does a well-timed kiss. Either way I want to cuddle right now.

Cats or Dogs...: Dogs. Cats suck. Though at this point I'm so deprived of animal love that I would take anything

Summer or Winter...: Summer if there's water nearby, but winter during for those wonderful sledding excursions down the 8th street hill.

Love or Money...: As of right now I have neither, so I'd take either.

Green Grapes or Purple Grapes...: Ick, none of the above. Eating grapes makes me think of eating eyeballs. Blame it on going through too many church haunted houses when I was younger.

Perferred Eye Color: It depends. All eye colors have their nice qualities.

Perferred Hair Color: Again, depends. Usually I'm too short to really notice hair at all. Just as long as it's soft and fun to play with. Yay for fro's.

Short Hair or Long Hair...:Well, as it's a guy, definitely defined as short.

Perferred Height: I am yet to like a guy over 6 foot.

Perferred Weight: I dunno, I like my guys a little chunkier. Skinny guys just aren't as fun to cuddle with.

Looks or Personality...: Personality, because I could find a fairly ugly guy attractive if his personality was good enough.

Hot or Cute...: Both. At different times.

Skinny...Muscular...or Fat...: Muscular. I would be really impressed to find a guy who had better calves than I did.

Favorites:
Food: Right now I eat mostly cereal and whatever I can scrounge up that doesn't cost a lot of money. But what I wouldn't give for a peice of meat and some fried potatoes...Type of

Music: Anything but country and rap. And musicals. Holy pooh, I live and breathe them, I don't need to listen to them in the car or while relaxing.

Candy: Just chocolate. Perhaps with toffee and almonds.

Color: Aqua blue.

Animal: My puppy Jinx. Or possibly Dax, since Jinx is a few hundred miles away.

Drink: All I drink now is water. What can I say, I'm super cheap!

Body Part on the Opposite Sex: eyes, smile, hands, in that order

Movie: I'm oddly obsessed with Walk the Line right now.

Have you ever:
Drank?: on accident...oh China...Smoked?: Heck no.

Skinny Dipped?: Practically

Played Spin The Bottle or 7 Minutes In Heaven?: Nope...that would just be awkward

Toliet Papered Someones House?: Sadly, no. Cars, oh yeah, many a times, but never a house

Played Poker W/ Money?: No...we used to gamble with Easter Candy while playing Uno. Yeah, I know, we're hardcore.

Gone Swimming In A White T-Shirt?: Uh, yeah. Is that supposed to be a big deal?

Been Tickled So Bad That You Cried?: Yup.

Went Camping?: Not recently. I'm working on it though.

Used The Restroom On A Tree?: Not on the tree, no

Had A Crush On Your Friend's Sibling?: Nope. It takes a lot for me to have a crush on someone.

Walked In The Rain W/out An Umbrella?: Whenever I can. God is in the rain.

Danced In The Rain?: Ah, Senior year...

Told A Joke And Nobody Thought It was Funny?: Yup, story of my life. I've gotten to the point where I just say them in my head and laugh to myself.

Been On Stage?: Unforunately. About 4 hours ago actually.

Been To A Nude Beach?: Almost...

Cursed In Church?: Nope, but I've said sex a lot which a lot of people think is a swear word. Weirdos.

Been In Love?: I don't know. I used to think so, but now I'm not too sure.

Made Out In A Car?: Not in it, no...on it maybe...

Cried During A Movie?: Psh, I was born without tear ducts, that was just dust in my eye...

Wanted Something You Couldnt Have?: Story of my life.

Made Love On The Beach?: Yes, because there are so many beaches in La Grande *rolls eyes*

Shoplifted: Heck no...I have such a guilty conscience...

Hung Up On Someone?: Heck yes, many a time. Thanks Raage, for helping me achieve this...

Stalked Someone?: No...I just followed them around and memorized their schedule so I could happen to show up wherever they were...and I watched them sleep a few times. But that's just being a teenager...right?

Had A Stalker?: I don't want to talk about it.

Played A Prank On Someone And Scared Them?: No, I do pranks of love.

Screamed In A Library?: Yup. Been kicked out of one too. Oddly, they were two different experiences

Wished A Part Of You Was Different?: All the time.

Talked To A Complete Stranger?: "We come from the Playmill, there's great shows at the Playmill!..."

Been Sunburned So Bad You Blistered?: About a week ago, actually.

Kicked A Guy In The Nuts?: Yup...You don't want to mess with me.

Wore Something You Hated?: Ah, costumes

Cursed Infront Of Your Parents?: Yeah...

Been Out of The Country?: Yeah...quite a bit, surprisingly.

Been Honked At While Walking Down The Sidewalk?: Ha, of course, I live in La Grande. What do you think people do on Friday nights?

Been Strip Searched?: Practically. If I have to go through airport security to get to Heaven, I might just passBeen On A Plane?: Yeah, too many...

Been Pantsed In Public?: Heh, I haven't been, but man, I've spread the love that way many a time.

Thrown Your Shoe At Someone?: Yup. And then it was lost in the seats. I threw a bagel at someone that day too. Good times.

Broke Someone's Heart?: I highly doubt it.

Done Something Stupid And Laughed At Yourself?: Every Day.

Been Walked In On While You Were Dressing?: Welcome to the dressing rooms at the Playmill Jackson theatre.

Been In Detention?: Yup. For talking. Surprise, surprise.

Pretended You Were Scared So You Could Cuddle W/ Someone?: Psh, I'm not that coy. I'll just be like "hey, I want to cuddle." It usually works.

Random Questions:
Regret Something You Did In The Past?: Of course

Country You Wanna Visit: Just one?

Way You Wanna Die: Um...can't I just be translated? I don't care, as long as it's not painful.Like Thunderstorms?: Uh, duh, of course!

Think you're attractive?: Nope, and I'm glad I'm not. I don't have enough self-control to be attractive.

Want to Get Married?: Eventually

Want to Go To College?: Yeah...I would actually love to stay in college my entire life.

Shower Daily?: Depends on what show we're doing/we've done.

Want Kids?: Sure, as long as I can riase them until they're 8 then give them to someone else for 10 years and then I'll take 'em back.

When Do You Want to Lose Your Virginity?: Never. It'll hurt.

Can You Unwrap A Starburst W/ Your Tongue?: Yeah...wanna date me?

Do You Think You Can Sing?: Anyone can sing. Whether they SHOULD or not is the question

Can You Walk In High Heels?: Actually, yes, I can do more things in heels than I can in flats. Such as run.

Do You Sleep W/ The Light On?: I can.

Do You Like Super Spicy Foods?: Nope, I'm a wuss

Can You Multitask?: Yes, I am a girl after all.

What Kind Of Perfume Or Colone Do You Wear?: I don't do smelly stuff. I'm too forgetful to put it on.

What Kind Of Soap Do You Use?: Whatever is in the shower.

What's Your Favorite Scent?: Fierce, from Abercrombie and Jake, from Hollister. Yeah, they're guys cologne. They make me happy because they remind me of people I love.

Would You Choose To Live Forever If You Could?: Only if I'm surrounded by people I like. So sure, why not?

Ten Top 10, as written in May 2007

10 Things I’d Rather Do Than Homework
1) Talk on the phone
2) Sleep
3) Eat food
4) Go for a walk
5) Hang out with friends
6) Lay in the grass
7) Frolic in a field
8) Clean my room
9) Do nothing
10) Play outside

9 Things That Represent Happiness
1) Chocolate
2) Scriptures
3) Hugs from good smelling guys
4) Realizing that everything happens for a reason, no matter how much it sucks
5) Heavenly Fathers wonderfulness
6) Christ’s mercy
7)Falling asleep on someone’s chest and feeling them breathe
8) Sun-shining on a calm, 65 degree afternoon
9) Learning

8 Things That Have Happened in the Past Months that Prove I’m a Klutz
1) A sprained ankle…three times
2) Mysterious bumps on the top of my shins that look kinda like inflamed shin splints
3) A scabbed up knee
4) A broken tailbone
5) A softball bruise on the front of my thigh
6) Falling off a platform - twice
7) Clipping my heel and almost biffing it during a performance
8) A burn-scar on my right-arm

7 Things that Prove I’m Fairly Random
1) I entertain myself by pondering Spanish grammar
2) I find triplets in rap music
3) I just realized the number of items on this list could be written 10! or 10 permutation.
4) I am well-known for my interpretive dance skills
5) I do cartwheels in hallways
6) I walk outside at midnight
7) I love leaving little notes on peoples cars letting them know they’re loved
6 Things I do to Entertain Myself at 6 in the Morning When I'm Making Dough
1) Moonwalk
2) Sing obnoxiously
3) Drink chocolate milk
4) Play slip-and-slide on the floor
5) Draw faces in the flour
6) Complain about other people cleaning - or not cleaning - the dough room

5 Reasons the Quarter System Sucks
1) There are only three of them in a full year. In what math class do three quarters equal a whole?
2) You can't transfer outside of Oregon without lots of trouble
3) You have finals and midterms to look forward to 3 separate times
4) You have longer classes more often
5) Learn less per credit than a semester college

4 Times La Grande Weather Sucks
1) Spring
2) Summer
3) Fall
4) Winter

3 Reasons I Hate Being on Birth Control
1) Because it makes me moody
2) Because I don't need it to protect against pregnancy since you kind of have to be having sex in order to get pregnant
3) Because it's making me fatter than usual - seriously, I'm like the Hindenburg...

2 Reasons Why I Like Spanish
1) It makes obvious sense grammatically
2) It's fun to say things like "tus ojos son azules" and make people think you're insulting or coming onto them

1 Reason I Wrote This List
1) Because I'm bored in my U.S. History class

This wasn't for you. This wasn't for anyone. It's simply the remake of a classic - Jeff's blog

So. I was realizing today when I read a little something something from one of my friends back home that I'm different up here in Jackson. A lot different. I don't think I've randomly danced once. I haven't laughed so hard I've cried, or gone on a walk or had a deep philisophical conversation. I haven't snuck out of my house once, and I am yet to buy an entire gallon of apple juice or chocolate milk and drink it straight from the container. I haven't really sung obnoxiously loud and off-key to one of my favorite CD's while making up harmonies to the songs. And most importantly, I haven't made a single-baked good to drop off at somebody's house just because I felt like doing it and that they might happen to want a cake.

What does this mean exactly? I don't know. I sure as heck hope it doesn't mean I'm growing up. I've already expressed my feelings on THAT subject. (Ironic sidenote: a lot of people up here think of me as being 20 or 21. Obviously they haven't gotten to know me very well.) What it does mean, though, is that I'm not very comfortable up here. And rightfully so. Theatre people tend to be a rather cynical, judgemental, yet oddly observant group of individuals. Throw in the fact that my normal personality - you know, the one that comes out when I'm "myself" - is rather, um, abrasive, and you might be able to understand why I'm not completely relaxed up here. Tristan's not joking when he says you need pills to handle me. Overexagerating, maybe...

So what kind of a person am I normally? Well, the first paragraph pretty much sums it up. I'm completely random. I love to do sporadic things, and by george, I think I'm hysterical. Of course I realize very few other people do. I'm fascinated by large words and love languages. Any person that can make me think automatically captures my attention. I burst randomly into song and I talk a lot. I'm slightly ADHD, and according to Dallin, become obsessed with things and can't get them out of my head. I de-stress by knitting, reading, and coloring in coloring books. Not the kind with the intricate pictures though. Those stress me out. I like the BIG ones.

Another thing. I'm usually quite an outgoing, possibly even flirtatious person at times. I haven't been flirtatious for about a year or two, so that's not a big change. But what IS a big change is that I'm not half as outgoing. Honestly, for the most part I could care less about meeting new people. Except when I do it, I love it. Usually the people I meet don't, because again, that whole abrasive personality thing comes into play, but hey, almost all of my good friends now either hated me or were scared of me when we first met. Also, if I like someone I don't let them know. I don't give compliments very often.

Which is another thing. I am actually a very mean person. It's come to me by environment, growing up in the family I did. But everything we said was always said with love. And I think that's half the problem up here. I hate saying things about people, or anything really, because I know it'll get back to the person and what I've said will be distorted and skewed to the point that it becomes rude and offensive. So while my life motto of "don't say anything you wouldn't say to that persons face" used to be helpful, it's not anymore. It's almost better to say something to the persons face. At least then it'll be 100% truthful. But saying it to the persons face takes away the funniness and the love that comes from it. So I don't say anything. And yet I still manage to talk...what can I say, I'm talented. :)

I'm quite tired. What else is there to say, aside from things at Playmill keep trudging along. We've been here for 7 weeks already. 10 more to go. If those 10 are any like the past 7, just shoot me now. Or I'll just move into Rafter J. Or into the shed at Blue House. Or back to La Grande. Whichever. Honestly though, college-aged theatre people should never be kept in such a tight area for so long. It's honestly like a cage-fight. I'm surprised no one's been physically injured yet. ...and by that I mean by another person. There have been many, many injuries already, don't get me wrong. The people here are great, we're just all stupid and very human. We all have our own fears, own desires, and our own pasts that we have to rifle through. We bring our own suitcase of issues. Some are big, some are small, some people unfold their laundry in the middle of the room, others hide it and pretend it isn't there. Who's to say which way is right or wrong? It varies from person to person on the right way to do things, what's right for that person.

I still hold that THINGS in life tend to be very simple. People don't. We take in THINGS and interpret them according to the spot we are in our lives. Then those things that used to be so simple become awkward and twisted and molded, and then those things become US, people. People are never simple. Sometimes the reason why do things are simple, or how we do things are simple, but people are never 2 dimensional. As shown by "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare Abridged" there are at least 4 parts necessary in the human mind. I can't remember what they are, but they're there.

AND I'M GOING TO BED! ...Night all.

The evening hangs beneath the moon

A silver thread on darkened doon

With closing eyes and resting head

I know that sleep is comming soon

Upon my pillow, safe in bed

A thousand pictures fill my head

I cannot sleep my minds a flight

And yet my limbs seem made of lead

If there are noises in the night

A frighting shadow, flickering light

Then I surrendor unto sleep

Where clouds of dreams give second sight

What dreams may come both dark and deep

Of flying wings and soaring leap

As I surrender unto sleep

As I surrendor unto sleep

I want to go home. I don't know why I did this, but I began reading my blogs from last summer or even towards the end of my senior year.
I miss Darcy. I miss Beckah. I miss Jeff and Katelyn and Raage. Mostly though, I miss US. I miss having people to talk to about anything and everything. I miss not having to pause and think "wait, do I have to talk about this or can I just hold it in so I don't embarrass myself?" I miss being able to have deep emotional and philisophical conversations without making an effort. I miss fully trusting the people I'm around.
Two days ago the person I trusted the most was injured in a car crash. She's probably going home now and the little world of comfort and security that I'd built here collapsed in on me. I'm so glad she's going to be alright though. I'm so glad that we were able to be roomates for the time we were and that I got to know her.
We were so lucky back then to have the group we had last summer. It feels like forever ago, but here I'm typing it...last summer. 12 months ago. 1 year. It feels like so much longer. I swear that no matter where or who you are, you've never quite had a group of friends like mine. We haven't been together in one group in one place since Beckah left the end of senior year, but I still love every single one of those people. I mean, obviously we've changed. Raage and I hardly even talk anymore, Jeff's occupied with his girlfriend, Katelyn actually hangs out with us now, Mollie's with a different guy and Darcy's been through a tough year of school. But they're still the people I'd go to if I had an emergency that needed to be taken care of.
So much can change in one year. A lot of people like the song Seasons of Love because they think it's "cool" or something. I like it because it has a killer woman's solo in it (hey, it's the truth) and the meaning of it is so awesome. A year is what you make it. And man, this year has been one wild ride. And if the first 4 weeks are any way to judge, the next 3 months are going to be wild as well.
Already I've experienced so many emotional highs and lows - usually within a few hours of each other. For instance today; I had an emotional breakdown of sorts (it'd been building up for three or four weeks, and the past two days and blew it over the top) and because of that I gave one of the most real performances of my life. Now, granted, I would love to NEVER do that again (I am, usually, a fairly unemotional person. I don't cry in public and until today I think you could count on two hands the number of people who have seen me cry since I hit puberty). I don't know though. Everything happens for a reason.
To coast smoothly thorugh life would be wonderful...but then it wouldn't be life. Life is a roller coaster with turns and twists and spirals that make you so confused and dizzy you don't quite know which way is up. Sometimes you feel like throwing up and sometimes you feel like you're flying.
And wow...I should never be on Facebook late at night. It always gets me philosiphising and making horrible analogies. Plus it eats into my sleep time. Night all.

Wow...way tired...

So I here I sit, at 12:45 at night...or in the morning rather, typing away on my little computer despite the fact that I am dead tired. Why is this, you might ask? It's because I honestly cannot fall asleep before 1 or 2 in the morning anymore. It drives me completely batty that Mikelle will be all cuddled in her comfy bed and as hard as I try, sleep won't come to me. Luckily enough though she can sleep through my typing, music, and night-lamp being on.

Honestly though, I'm tired of being a tween. It's a little awkward. It's my first time away from home, or at least my family, and it's been a weird experience. I know I don't have an easy personality to love. It's a fact I've come to accept. I'm over-exuberant about everything and often come off as obnoxious and annoying. When I feel threatened by someone or if I feel inferior I'll strike out at them and try and make them feel inferior as well; not by insulting them, because that would be mean and I'm really not a mean person by nature, but by not giving them compliments and never being impressed. There are many cases of this in my past and no doubt there will be a few more of these in my future. I'm also stubborn to a fault and take some things way too personally.

So what does this have to do with me being a tween and being tired of it? Because I understand these things now. I think of myself even a half a year ago and I realize how much I've grown up. It's so odd. Dallin told me that you learn a lot your freshman year of college, but you grow the most during your sophomore year. I hope it's true. People tell you to be yourself so often, but what happens when yourself is something you can't be? Or even worse, you don't LIKE being yourself? Isn't that an odd conundrum to find oneself in? I enjoy being accepted, but sometimes I look at others and wish I could be them. I don't know if these things will change as I get older. I hope so.

I just missed my friends so much today. Theatre people have a tendency to be judgemental, sometimes even catty. Probably because we have to analyze characters in plays so much that we feel we have the right and responsibility to do it in real life. I'm tired of listening to people talk about everyone else and knowing that somewhere, someone is talking about me that way. I'm tired of listening to how you can't stand this person but you pretend you do because you don't want to be rude. Ohmigosh. I'm very anti-rude. I tend to be rude a lot (mostly from habit, of course) but I still think being rude is well...rude. But I think it's more rude to spare someone's feelings and talk about them behind their back then it is to just shut up and learn to get along. Now, this isn't to say that I don't appreciate the soothing power of venting. But there's a difference between venting and trying to find allies in your war against another person. I love learning about other people. I love knowing what's going on in their lives and knowing why they are the way they are. I don't know why I expect people to just open up to be about their lives. Probably because it's happened a lot. But at the same time I would flinch if most people tried to dig into my past (and present) the way I want to dig into others. I have the hardest time trusting people and I tend to use different people for different things. This is probably due to a bad experience I had a year or so back, but honestly, how long does it take to get over something? Am I ever going to be able to fully let myself go and talk to someone again? Probably not. Again, fact of life. But is it a good thing to be so completely open to one person? I think not. At least, not one mortal person.

Which brings me to another point. I love religion. I love knowing what other people think and why they believe what they do. Am I a judgemental person? Sometimes. But not really. I think I like to observe things. But at the same time, I find it ironic how those who are often the first to throw the term "judgemental" or "close-minded" at someone are those that are the most judgemental themselves. I hate how people think that just because we don't all share the same believes means that the person who doesn't share yours is close-minded. No. Maybe they just know better or more than you. Don't break down others beliefs. Don't call others prudes just because they flinch at certain jokes or statements. That's who they are and how they've gotten along in life, just like how you are. So remember that wondeful moral compass of "judge not, lest ye be judged" before you roll your eyes and murmur about someone's standards. We're all different. Be respectful of that.

Now, this philosophy is like the imaginary saloon doors that hit Aaron in the butt every other night or so; they swing both ways, and quite violently too. If you're one of the flinchers, don't go around bad-mouthing those with bad-mouths. I mean honestly, how hypocritical can people get sometimes?

Quite possibly this is one of the problems that I've had with Utah, especially "Utah Mormons" (and I say that in quotations marks quite purposefully.) Now, this isn't to say that I don't have friends who are Mormon and from Utah. But when I refer to Utah Mormons I refer to a very specific breed that I think most people are aware of. They get so sucked up in the culture they almost lose the spirit of the message.

Through this past year I've come to realize that I need to find a balance between expectations and understanding. And this is what I've come to decide, though, obviously, I'm still working on perfecting it. You can be disapointed in people, but just because they failed in an expectation doesn't mean they're bad people and should be shunned like a non-believer (party foul, Charlie the Unicorn reference used horrifically). It's healthy to have expectations for people and for people to have expectations for you. But instead of automatically assuming the guy not going on a mission is a horrible person or that there's some moral defect in him, why not try to understand WHY he's not going? At the end of your discussion you may end up disapointed in his decision, but at least you understand it and can appreciate and love him as a real person and as a child of God.

Wow. It's been almost a full hour since I started this blog. I've been typing with almost no interruptions, aside from a few welcome texts from Raage. If I've managed to not offend anyone I'm glad, but a little disapointed. Sometimes I feel it's healthy to be offended if it sparks you into the action of changing to be a better person. Offence is good for the soul. As long as it ends positively. If that makes any sense whatsoever.

Maybe I'll change my plans about being a writer. I can't seem to say anything in a concise manner. Maybe I can get someone to pay me by the page.

Post! Yeah!

Ohmigosh. I'm really bored. Like, really bored. I mean, what is there to do in La Grande on a Friday night? Get drunk? Yeah, sorry, don't do that.

So this kind of mirrors how I'm feeling about La Grande right now. I feel like I'm supposed to be somewhere else. I remember looking out the window in Provo and just feeling happy. There were bright lights everywhere, you could hear people out laughing and playing around.

I guess I'm sort of jealous of that. Always having something to do and someone to do something with. It's not like I don't have friends here. I do. They're just busy a lot of the time..

I mean, I don't really blame them. There are a lot of times when people ask me to do stuff and I can't because I'm busy. You can't just drop your life for friends. I just wish there was a night or two when we could say "Let's all get together on this day and play." Cuz playing is fun. I just don't think I've done it enough recently.

I want to go ice-blocking. And watch crazy movies and make sarcastic comments about them while they're going on. Like "Strictly Ballroom." I wanna make popcorn balls with Jell-O and play overly-loud boardgames and dance around my living room.

I miss Beckah and Darcy being here. I was thinking about our Girls Night sleepover at the end of last year, the night after Baclaureate (sp? meh, I don't care) and I remembered how much fun it was and how much I miss those girls. We're all so different now, but when we get together, things are so much the same. We're a little older and more subduded, but we're still up laughing and talking until five in the morning. Now we just throw Jeff into the mix. :-)

Life is not horrible now, of course. It's actually quite fun. But there are still times when I look out the window and see La Grande and realize how much I want to go and experience more of life. I don't want to be here anymore. It's going to be an interesting (in a good way) experience to leave for this summer.

It's interesting though, while I was babysitting little Jacobson I had all these flashbacks to when I was younger and was so entertained by the tiniest of things. I mean, making piles of dirt, grabbing flowers, playing hide-and-seek, going down slides. Now, if you do that, people look at you like you're stupid.

Which brings me to another question: what's the big deal with being an adult? It seems like that's all I ever hear, grow up. I mean, what does being an adult mean, really? That you pay bills? Are stressed all the time? Have to work constantly? Aren't sporadic and random? Worried about the future to the point that you can't pay attention to the present? I don't want to be an adult right now. For all that's good and holy, I'm only 19! This is my last chance to be stupid and childish. Don't deprive me of that. I can be responsible when I want, and I want to be able to decide when that is. Let me make my own decisions. Let me make my own mistakes. I may ask you how to get out of them, but let me do it on my own. Believe it or not, I can do things on my own now. I'm not a complete idiot. Trust that I've listened and watched and learned.

Anyway, I'm going to go find something to do to entertain mysef tonight.

Toodles!

-Jillian

I'm tired. Like, really tired. Tired of a lot of things. Tired of school, tired expectations, tired of people, tired of not being able to take time to do things, tired of work. I'm tired of not being able to focus on the things I need to to become a better person. I feel like I'm moving side to side and spinning around instead of moving forward or backward.

I'm such a baby. My life isn't bad. It's quite good, actually, and I've had it really easy. I haven't lost anyone in my life. I've never had to intensly study to get good grades. I've never had to really try. If things didn't come all that easily I just didn't do them.

I guess I'm spoiled. I don't know. People called me spoiled and say that I've never had to work in my life and I get a little angry. Comparitively I haven't, not really. I've always been able to sing. Music's been easy. Theatre and acting came naturally. I was pretty smart.

But I'm tired of my sisters saying I never have to work. My family thinking I'm not trying hard enough. I'm working 15 hours a week, rehearsing for 10+, going to school for 17, doing homework for who knows how long. I have five shows this week, four next week, and three large finals coming up. I have choir class that I don't have enough time to pay attention to. I work. I just don't work hard on any one thing because there's always something else needing attention.

I think that's what bothers me. I don't get amazingly strong grades because I don't have enough time or energy to devote to it. I'm not the best worker at Bear Mt. because I have to ask for so many days off and leave early because of rehearsals or doctors appointments or classes. I'm not the best soprano in choir because I don't have time to sit down and play my parts through and figure it out. I'm not the best person in the show because I can't memorize a song and do my spanish homework at the same time.

I know these are excuses. I should be able to focus and devote myself 100% to whatever task I'm involved in at that time. I just don't know if I can. I'm not disciplined or mature enough. And I know that. I just can't figure out how to do it. Or maybe I just don't like the answer. I want to grow-up and become more organized and self-dependent but I'm afraid to do it. I don't want trials, but I know I need them.

It sucks. I don't like growing up. I don't like this limbo of not being grown up and not being immature. Or rather, being mature in some ways and immature in others. It's kind of uncomfortable. It makes me prickly in my own skin. I wonder if this'll ever stop, if I'll actually be mature enough for life. I hope so. Cuz it's not cool.

-Jillian

Happy Birthday to me!

So I should really be finishing up some Spanish homework right now, but I'm totally not feeling it. So I won't. I am feeling a cocoa though, unfortunately I don't have money and there's no one here I can guilt into buying a cocoa for me. So I'll live. :)

What do I have to say right now? Not much. This has been an interesting year. I'm looking at the things that have happened since my 18th birthday and hoo-doggy, it's been a real roller coaster. I'm glad it's happened though. I think I'm stronger today. Not necessarily any more stable, but stronger, less dependant on any one person. Yeah, I'm still dependant on people, but not on any one specifically. And that's a good feeling. Hopefully it'll last for a very long time. Though really, most of this stuff has happened over the past month, sort of like a ginormous onslaught of knowledge. I wish I could call it maturity, but I think I have a long way to go before I could be described as mature.

Anyway, my birthday has been good so far. I remember last year I thought my birthday sucked because the one person I wanted to get me something and acknowledge me on it didn't do anything. That and no one really did anything else either, but that's just a minor detail. Now, it's not that big of a deal. I love my friends and I know they love me, whether they wish me happy birthday or not...though I do like the wishing of happy birthday.

I guess I expect people to be like me a lot of the time. If I know something's wrong with someone, if one of my friends has had a bad day, I'll usually do something to make them feel better and let them know they're loved. Just because people don't do that to me doesn't mean I'm not loved. It just means people have busy lives, that maybe they're hurting too and I'm too focused on myself to notice.

I'm a fairly selfish individual, or so I've decided.

So I guess I am maturing. And this kind hurts a whole lot less than the kind I was doing before, so I think I'll stick with it for a while.

"Are you fumbling my football!?"

Sorry...I'm watching a Super Bowl review on T.V. and totally watched this guy have the ball literally slide through his fingers, and I couldn't help but quote from Remember the Titans. Good movie...

Hm...I think I'm going to avoid my Spanish again and work on this story that I started last night when I was only half-conscious.

Hope you're all having wonderful days!

A rant...sort of...

At this point, I want to quit almost everything. It's not that I'm feeling overwhelmed, really. I just want to be able to breathe once in a while. I was thinking about my schedule today and I realized I'm not going to have any time. I mean, yeah, I'll have an hour between two of my classes and about an hour and fifteen minutes between school and work, and maybe a half hour between work and rehearsal, and then another hour after rehearsal where I'll try and crunch in some homework. It doesn't stress me out too much, oddly enough, it's what I've been doing most of my life.

I guess I'm just tiring of it a little. I'm tired of - excuse the language, but it's the only way I've ever heard it put - half-assing it through life. I'm tired of doing what I need to do just so I can get by, because I don't have enough time or energy to do otherwise.

For instance, I really want to learn Spanish. Raage's been attempting to help me a little, but you can only do so much when you're 500 miles away and using messaging on Facebook. Anyway, I was planning on calling him last night, but some things happened and when I should've called him so he could clarify the word que for me, I was over at Tristans watching Heroes. I would've been like "hey Tristan, I've got to go" except that we had just barely set everything up and him and Aaron had used, like, a half hour or so of their time just so I could watch it. So I'm like "okay, I'll call him tomorrow." Except, well, I'll have you refer to my afore mentioned schedule for today to understand the problem with that.

And so it is with life. There are some things I'm completely fascinated by, but will never be able to do more than scratch the surface of because I don't have the time. The days slip by and I'm left with a lot of "oh, I'll do this tomorrow"s. I mean, like the whole exercise thing. I really want to start exercising, but there isn't enough time! Whenever I think I can do it between classes, I can't because I have to write a paper or read a chapter or two in a book or go sell stupid advertisements.

At this point, I would love nothing more than to quit my job, not go to Rexburg, not audition for scholarships, not worry about China and how I'm going to get another freakin' thousdand dollars in two weeks, and just focus on school and learning and growing closer to Heavenly Father. And maybe focus on myself and what I really want for a while. There are so many things going on during the day, I sometimes am afraid that I'm missing something that's important for me to know.

But I know I can't quit. I'm not a flake like that. When I say I'll do something and commit to it, I'm stuck. Including calling Raage tonight, or at least letting him know that I can't.

So I will continue on, skating through life, barely getting by in everything I'm doing. It's not so bad, I guess. It's gotten me this far, hasn't it?

The Weekend

So, I haven't seen my friends for like, two days and I'm having withdrawls. I'm not joking. I'm such a spazzoid! I'm missing my friends. I think I was missing Jeffrey about, six hours after I saw him last, though I blame that on him being gone and me not being able to see him. Anyhoo, I think I'll chalk this all up to...wow...I totally forgot what I was going to put there as an excuse for my odd obsessive clinginess. OH! Now I remember! I chalk it up to you guys being such cool people. Ha ha! I am brilliant!

I like my Spanish class...a lot. It's so much fun...and yes, I'm a weirdo. I've come to that realization actually. I'm quite weird; I enjoy choral music, speaking random spanish, having nonsensical conversation, laughing at stupidity, watching myself dance in the mirror, thinking in written form, and philosiphizing scripture and the deeper meaning of different things. But I pretty much like myself. Well, sometimes. But that's a completely different can of worms.

So, school's going well. Well, the week that I've had of it. My head is still above water, but let's see how that is in a few weeks, eh? I'm going to go haul butt and and sell advertisements tomorrow. Tomorrow's going to be hard core! I have to work, sell advertisements, move, study for math and spanish...I think that's it.

Man, I wish I knew more! Seriously! Like, all the stuff going on in the Middle East. Somalia for instance. Raage told me some of it's history, but I don't know enough about it to truly grasp the importance of what's going on there right now, so I'm relying on others for my opinions, which I don't want to do. But I can't seem to wrap my head around it - and I don't have enough time to try. Which is frustrating. I guess I'll just have to sit and wait until my life slows down enough that I can do some self-study.

I hate having to be patient.

Hm...I think this might be all I'm going to blog for now. It's a quarter til 11, and I think I'm getting up early so I might turn in. ...heh...I almost believed that myself for a second. I might actually go to bed and read scriptures for a while, until I fall asleep. Even though Jeffrey was supposed to call me and tell me if Jim and Pam hooked up. I really want to get on top of that. I mean, if they hooked up, where's the sexual tension going to come from? I love sexual tension, it makes the world interesting. I miss having it myself, actually.

Aaaaaanyway, It's 11 now, so I'm thinking I'll head up stairs and begin my sleepy routine. Goodnight all!

Toodles!

-Jillian

Psalm 13

How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and hear me, O LORD my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;

Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.

But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.

I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.

I love these scriptures. A friend of mine was having a really hard time on his mission, and he turned to these scriptures and I thought I'd share them with you, even though they don't necessarily reflect my mood right now. I just really like them.

Cheers

An interesting thing happened today. My Grandpa called my dad with the news that someone had died of cancer. I had no idea who this person was, though her name sounded vaguely familiar. It might have been Tammy Prince of Pam something-with-a-D, I'm not certain. All I know is that when my dad told my mom, they were both shocked by the fact that she had died - she was only a year younger than my dad, meaning she was two and a half years younger than my mom. I was equally as shocked, but for a completely different reason.

This woman that died three years ago was one of my dad's former girlfriends. She dumped him sometime during High School to date his best friend. The best friend and this girl later married and my dad moved on and found my mom - much to my joy and relief. But her youth or her relationshp with my father wasn't what shocked me - my dad and mom often talk about their former "significant others" which is why I recognized her name. What shocked me was that my dad remembered her.

He remembered her.

You will go through life, and 99% of the people you meet you won't remember in a few years. You will not remember most in a few months or weeks, possibly even days. But then there are those that touch you deeply, that you will remember twenty years after your last encounter with them. They are the girlfriends, the boy friends, the best friends, people who - when they leave or situations change - leave places in your heart that can never be filled exactly the same by any other person, not matter how special those people are. They are people who are irreplacable.

I still remember a true story someone told me once, about a woman who was best friends with a guy. They were as close and close can be, but something happened that caused them to get in a huge row and not talk again. The girl later married, and while she loved her husband and wouldn't trade him for anyone else, there were still some times when she felt the need for that best friend to be there, for his kind of comfort and advice.

And so it is whenever you get close to someone. You give a peice of yourself to them, and whether you realize it or not, you're never going to get that peice back. They will carry it with them forever, so until, twenty-five years down the road, you get a call telling that they died of cancer, and you realize what they were, their significance in your life, that a peice of you was still with them.

How many people have a given a peice of myself to? How many more will carry a little chunk of me around with them while they go collect others? How many peices do I have, possibly taken carelessly by someone who gave tenderly?

I'm not egotistical enough to think that I'm a memorable person. I know that three or four years down the road, most of the people in, say, choir won't remember a single thing about me, including my name. When I die, the world probably won't mourn, there won't be thousands at my funeral. But I do know that there will be friends from Ontario talking about my exploits in band, the Nielsens will talk about growing up in Lansing and playing tree-tag, my friends now will talk about how I always fell asleep during movies and had an obsession with cuddling. Who knows what else will be said by that 1% of people who will touch and shape my life, the people that I allowed close enough to take something memorable from my existence?

So, here's my oopah, to the best friends, the boyfriends, the enemies turned friend. You will be remembered. Cheers to you. May your lives be blessed.

-Jillian

Reflections on Life

Wow. I feel like I haven't blogged forever, when it's really only been about 5 days. I always go through life thinking "hm...I should blog these thoughts, feelings, and experiences" but then I forget what they are, or I just don't feel like blogging it when I can get a hold of a computer. It's like dipping your hand into a cool pool of water and feeling it trickle through your fingers. It's the feeling of having a grasp on brilliance and happiness and feeling it slide away.

I had some cool experiences today. If someone asked what I did today it would be simple: I went down to Ontario for a Dr.'s appointment. But man, it's such a cool feeling to be driving along, wrapped up in yourself, and to look out the window and say "wow...this world is a gorgeous place. Thank you Heavenly Fathe." But what's beautiful and awe inspiring enough between here and Ontario to startle me from a good book? Everything. The day is cold and wet and gray and - so most people would think - completely depressing. But right now I'm looking out the window in my bedroom and watching the townlights twinkle on as darkness settles while a thick storm cloud shrouds the white top of Mt. Emily, and I realize what a beautiful world I've been blessed to live in.

Contentment is an interesting feeling. It's not a feeling of overwhelming joy, it's not passion. It's not exhilerating or invigorating. It just is. Like me. I am.

Being is not a bad thing. In fact, I think it's probably a better mindset than the one I've been in lately. I've gotten myself into some destructive habits lately. I've become "addicted" to people and activities that I shouldn't be obsessed with. Not that I've picked up a cigarette or gone anywhere near beer. I was sent a cool quote through my e-mail the other day that started me thinking on what, exactly, could be constituted as an addiction.
"...Curiosityand peer pressure are selfish reasons to dabble with addictive substances.We should stop and consider the full consequences, not just to ourselves and our futures, but also to our loved ones..."

So I began thinking, what is an addictive substance? Automatically beer and cigarettes, pornography and gambling came to mind. But what about dating? What about flirting and kissing, and work, attention, the opposite sex, cuddling, friends, yourself? Can't all these things become addictions? Can't all of these become obsessions?

I once heard someone liken people unto a bicycle wheel; there are spokes for everything. You have your spoke for church, your spoke for friends, school, work, spirituality, etc. A perfectly balanced person has all the spokes even and balanced (note: if we weren't living in the world and didn't have to make a living to survive, the spokes wouldn't have to be even. Unfortunately, we do, so we're screwed) so that the wheel rolls smoothly. Problems come in life when one spoke because too long, leaving one or two other spokes coming up too short. This isn't to say that there aren't times in life when spokes shouldn't be uneven. For example, while on a mission or preparing for one, they should be uneven. But right now, they all need to be balanced.

I guess what I'm saying is that, right now, I'm sawing off certain spokes and trying to meld them onto others to achieve more balance. It's an interesting and hard and sometimes I think I'm messing everything up and I want to give up and stop trying. But I can't. I've had a few of those moments, but I guess I'm becoming stronger, because I'm feeling content. It's a shaky sort of contentment, one that can be jostled like the last brown leaf hanging onto a bare branch in a November storm, but I'm content. I'm content. Now, contentment is not a way of saying I'm giving up and not trying to improve anymore. No way. I have so much to improve on. I see some of my weaknesses now, and instead of feeling overwhelmed I feel inspired.

I want to be the best that I can. I know I need help from others - I'm a firm believer that Heavenly Father places certain people where they are so they can be instruments in his hands - but I know now that I can't rely on others for everything in my life.

I suppose I really am growing up. And you know what? It's not that bad.

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

-Ether 12:27