I'm going completely insane right now...;Jeffrey

I love coming back from night's with friends where my abs hurt from laughing so much. It's a great feeling that I plan on experiencing more often - like tomorrow night. That should be soon enough. :D

Anyway, there are a lot of thoughts flying through my head; it's sort of like a tossed salad in there. I've been observing and pondering life, and especially watching people a lot more lately. It's so weird to think that there are billions of us on this earth, and while we only come in contact with a fraction of them in our lifetime, we're only a few relationships away from every single person on this planet. And every single person has a story. I don't remember the first time I heard it. I think it was in Non-Fiction writing, but I know I'd thought of it before that.

We get so wrapped up in ourselves, our own problems. Half the time we don't even realize that others are crying out for us or that others care. If that "one person" we want to notice us doesn't, then we must be doing something wrong and no one notices us and we're not worth noticing. We never stop to think of the people who think of us as that "one person." or even the people who just appreciate you and love the fact that you're there. It's like that one saying "To the world you may be one person, but to one person, you may be the world."

Relationships are interesting things. What is a relationship exactly? Whenever you hear it, you usually assume that it means a romantic relationship, but it's not always. For instance, I can say "the relationship between me and Bob is completely platonic" and I'm obviously not referring to a romantic relationship. People say that money makes the world go 'round, and while that's true, I think relationships do as well.

I made the comment today that love is a horrible thing. And then somebody made a comment back to me that made so much sense that I wondered why I hadn't heard it before. He said "no, love is wonderful, it's people and the games they play that are horrible."

I play games. I'll admit it. But I don't want to anymore. I want to hug someone because I want to hug them, not because I want them to think I like them or because I know they won't think it's weird. I don't want to play games. I don't want to feel guilty or jealous watching people flirt. I don't want to feel territorial of my friends. I just want to feel...normal? Untwisted. Because that's how I feel when I play these games, twisted. There are so many good people out there who don't need any more issues. I don't want to hurt people (well, sometimes I do, but I shouldn't) or get hurt. I'm tired of trying to be anylitical and reading into what people say and don't say.

I think most of us have hit a...I don't want to call it a wall, but I can't figure out what I want to call it. How about a semi-permeable barrier? Whatever it is, we went through it without realizing the depth of what it meant to pass onto one side, probably without realizing we had passed through, and now we're stuck there. I guess this is what growing up is like.

I want to live for the moment again. I want to take someone to breakfast randomly. I want to be with people without feeling self-conscious. I want to rule the world. I want to find and be myself. I want to find the Savior. I want do to what Heavenly Father has planned for me.

-Jillian

A step in the dark...

I did something huge today. Most of you know what it is, so I won't go into detail (if you're completely clueless, I'll tell you if you ask nicely) but I'll admit, I'm scared.

I've always played at being independant. I'm the stubborn one who has a steady enough head on her shoulders not to take life too seriously, but not to be swept up in the stupidity of it. But really, I've never been independant. There were always people who I leaned on for all my advice. I never made a decision without others more or less making it for me. But now? I've cut myself off from that person. I've had to for the sake of my sanity, as well as theirs, most likely.

I feel like I'm starting off on a path, a journey that's going to take me somewhere important. I can almost see it in my mind. But I'm so scared to go on it. I've taken the first step - my leap of faith. The pathway isn't clear at all and faith has never been my strongest point. I'm so worried now that my crutch is gone. I want it back; I'm afraid to stand on my own. But I have to stay strong. Heavenly Father told me to let Raage go completely. Heavenly Father wants me to be happy and he wants me to live with Him again. If that means I have to go through hell with Christ being my only confidant, than so be it. I have to be strong now; it's time to step up and live my religion, not just watch it from the sidelines.

For Thou art my rock and my fortress; therefore for they names sake lead me, and guide me. Psalms 31:3

I hope I can take the leap of faith necessary to do what I need to. It's sad, it took me something said, verbatim, in two separate blessings - which the people giving the blessings didn't know as the one giving the blessing of comfort had never read my patriarchal blessing - for me to finally realize that I needed to change. I just pray that I can do it.

-Jillian

It sounds like we're having a lot of fun. And we are.

First things first! Tonight was amazing; more fun than I've had in a very very long time. I shall upload a few pictures, and explain why.

Yes, this is a puzzle that's actually a map of the world. It went with our "over the hill" theme...which I think only makes sense to us... But apparently, this puzzle was a royal pain in the tuckus. It took them about a half hour to put it together, and it fit funny, but when it was finished and all drawn over, it was awesome.

Alas, Steven didn't make it into the picture he's holding up - a gift we gave to Darcy as a welcome-hom present - but we figured he had to be included somehow, since he helped us decorate Darcy's room. What would we have done without him? He was the only one tall enough to stick the streamers to the ceiling!

Katelyn being cute. All of us decided this was as super adorable picture, so I put it on. :-D

I'm just such a good friend. I saw this great picture of Mollie and had to put it on so the plethora of attractive single males that read my blog would want to date my friend. I love the girl, what can I say?

Now, this right here was the fruit of our labors. We decorated Darcy's room with balloons and steamers and a banner and gifts and we made her a card. It was - to steal one of Darcy's words - Brilliant.

Katelyn tried to read "The Night Before Christmas" to us, but something happened during the reading that would only occur with choir nerds born and bred at La Grande High School. We burst into the song version and sang a good 3/4 of it with four part harmony while dancing around Darcy's living room.

The picture of us after our breaking and entering Shenanigans. Though technically nothing was broken. Darcy's parents left us a key. Note Steven's clueless expression. I assume it was done on purpose, but with Steven you never really know...;)

Okay, so here's what happened: Darcy finally came home from college. Now, for those that might not know us (I have no idea who that would be, creepy people reading some random blog...) our friends are amazing. It's true. I can officially say I have the coolest friends ever. They're there for me when I need them, and even when I don't need them and I just want them, they're there. I think a quote fits our group pretty durn well; "Happiness is singing together when day is through, and Happiness is those that sing with you."

Over the past two or three days, I've begun to appreciate my friends more. I mean, really appreciate them. Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I was focused almost completely on them and what we were doing. And the result was I laughed more than I have in four or five months.

Oh, and guys? I think I'm going to start a myspace so I can upload ALL the pictures and have you guys see them as well as possibly upload the videos, because who doesn't want to see Mollie and Isha dancing around as cheerleaders?

I have three regrets about tonight: that it ended, that it doesn't happen often enough, and that I didn't catch our singing "Twas the Night" on camera! Gosh darn realizing camera-worthy moments too late!

Toodles everyone!

-Jillian

Volare...

I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored! I sort of want to bake something, or go somewhere and do something embarrassing and take pictures with my camera. I like my camera. It makes me happy.

Unfortunately, most of the people I would do stuff with are busy. So I'm stuck with myself.

You know what, I don't need Raage. I DON'T NEED RAAGE!!!! That's right, you heard me! I DON'T NEED HIM!! I don't need someone that hurts and degrades me, someone who doesn't care enough about me even tell me the truth or keep me informed on his life. I have amazing friends that truly care about me and want me to be happy.

Man, I'm lucky. My friends and family are awesome. And you want to know something else? I don't need him to be a good person. I'm a better person without him, because I can actually be myself and not worry about worrying about someone else. I can make my own decisions now. I can go to college where I want to go to college, I can work at Playmill this summer, I can study whatever I want to, because Heavenly Father is finally coming first in my life. I'm going to do what he wants me to! No more Raage. He's not important anymore.

I feel so liberated. So free!

-Jillian