Ode to Tuesday

Oh Tuesday!
What joys you had for me
Nausea and cramping
Josh Groban for four blissful hours
Superman in the dark
Flirting at work
Blood and needles in my arm
Almost blacking out
The Cherry Orchard?
Oh Tuesday, sweet Tuesday
Avoiding homework
Hanging out with friends
Eating something that disagreed
Intense stomach cramping
huddling in the bathroom for fifteen minutes
Food poisoning?
Trying to figure out mysterious time signatures
Tuesday, juxtaposed Tuesday!
I will remember you always!

My obituary:
Jillian Wheeler died today. She was at work, diligently doing her duty of bringing pizzas out to hungry customers when she slipped. A large #2 minus onions and hot cheese, plus extra mozzarella on cornmeal crust flew into her face, burning and suffocating her with copious amounts of pizza sauce and melted cheese. All efforts to resuscitate the teen failed. The funeral will be held on Friday of this week at 5 o'clock. It will be a closed casket funeral as no one was quite able to peel all the pepperoni off of her face. She is survived by her friends and her family who are now happy that they don't have to pay the outrageously high auto insurance. But her dogs will miss her.

A semi-depressing blog...

Every girl wants to be special. I've said that what has to be at least one hundred times to different people. Every girl wants to be special to some person.

I think this goes doubly for me. To be normal, standard, everyday,"one-of-many" would kill me. I suppose that's why I'm jealous of people with more diverse backgrounds than I. There's nothing there that makes me stand out, I'm just a regular English/French/Russian Jew and I look it. I can sing pretty well. But I know that there are those better than I am. I can be funny and entertaining at times, but I'm nothing spectacular. Perfectly normal. Perfectly average.

He made me feel special. He made me feel like there was something about me that no one else had, something that...I don't know. Something that made me stand out. And I was happy knowing that somewhere, someone cared for me. Someone thought about me every now and then and wondered how I was doing. Someone wanted to talk to me more than they wanted to talk to any one else. I was special because they could tell me things they couldn't tell anyone else and they wanted to spend time with me and wanted to make me smile.

He was special. I could talk to him. There seemed to be nothing that we couldn't discuss, and we would talk for hours and the conversation wouldn't get old; religion, relationships, family, school, people, futures. He was special because I've never really had someone that could both tell when something was wrong with me and get me to talk about it in detail. He was special because he understood me. He had a smile that I couldn't help but smile along with. He made me want to be a better person; when he chastised me it only hurt my pride for a moment and then caused me to become motivated. He was special because he actually cared.

I guess I wasn't special enough.

It hurts a lot. It's bittersweet to hear him talk now - he talks about the people he talks to and how wonderful his life is. On one hand I'm happy he's happy; he deserves to be happy, he's an amazing person. But on the other it hurts realizing that I didn't do anything to affect his happiness when he was here. I think he told me he missed me once, in his very first e-mail, and then nothing. And I guess I feel pathetic becuase I still miss him, three and a half months after he left. There are still times when I want to go on a walk with him and just talk.

I feel like a burden to him, like I'm cramping his style. In my mind I imagine every time I call he looks at the caller ID and rolls his eyes, wondering why I'm calling him again. Or worse, that when I call he doesn't care either way. That to him I'm just another girl. Another one of his friends in La Grande that he might think about calling if he gets bored when he comes home. That there was nothing special about me in the first place.

I'm just normal, standard, everyday, "one-of-many". Average. Insignificant.

I think they should make Star Wars into a musical... I can see the rousing chorus numbers now...

So here I sit in my now normal spot in the Loso Lobby. It's one of the only places where I can get internet connection and still be warm.

On that note, it's become QUITE cold lately. But my hair hasn't frozen in the past few weeks. Though Jeff did say that it was colder in my apartment than it was outside.

So I don't know why I'm blogging. Probably because no one's blogged in like, a year (yes, I know I'm exaggerating...I do that a lot. I wrote on Raage's facebook wall yesterday and was all "because no one's written on here for a while" and it had only been about a day since someone had written on it) so I felt motivated to make someone excited when they check blogs and are all "ohmigosh! Jillian posted! Happiness!" Because I know me posting will bring everyone undefinable happiness. I just have that affect on people.

Man, I've been in the weirdest moods lately. Seriously, I'll be super happy and chipper for like, a week and then I'll crash for about four or five hours until something (or someone) snaps me out of it. I think it might be the medicine I'm on. When I heard about the depression that it's caused in some people I became sort of freaked out, especially when I considered the types of moods I'd been having for the past month or so. I mean, people have committed suicide while on these meds. But the worst effect I seem to be experiencing is my skin looking like I have exzyma or something. Or like I was burned with hot oil or acid. Maybe we should create a musical about my skin problem and call it "The Shadow of the Mackenzie". I'll be the creepy person with disgusting, irritated skin that skulks around the theatre. Ooh! And that's why random peices of fake snow still fall from the rafters even though that show finished two years ago!!!

Hm...I like it when I'm in these kinds of moods. I've missed being random like this. KATELYN'S COMING TO VISIT ME!! YAYAY!!!!

So, I think this'll be the end of my blog. Hope you all have wonderful days, and remember not to drink hot cocoa while lying down!

toodles!

-Jillian

Semi-personal confessions...

Sorry her lot who loves too well,
Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly.
Sad are the sighs that own the spell,
Sad are the eyes that speak too plainly

Sorry her lot who loves too well
Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly.

Heavy the sorrow that bows the head
When love is alive and hope is dead.
When love is alive and hope is dead.

Turn ons: Good smelling guys, chocolate, long talks about good things, guys who are actually good and chaste and don't just pretend to be, hugs from little children, the setting sun reflecting reds and golds off of clouds, breaking into dancing, being yourself and feeling completely comfortable, girls nights with good music and pulsing beats, getting a truly caring hug from a member of an opposites sex, dog piles with friends, pranking, getting compliments from someone who really means it especially from that one special person, knitting, being with friends that listen to you and don't think you're weird when you do random things, falling asleep on someone's chest and feeling them breath and hearing their heartbeat, how clean you feel when you just get out of the shower, going to church, Heavenly Father, being able to pray and knowing he won't be annoyed by your neediness.

Turn offs: Lying, dishonesty, people who say they'll do something then don't, being depressed, second-guessing myself, uncertainty, feeling jealous, wet socks, having people angry at me, being ditched, feeling ugly, waking up when it's dark, getting wet when my hair's straightened, the nagging sensation that I'm never thought of, being alone, wanting to call someone and being afraid to do it, being tempted, becoming lackadasical about anything, regretting my actions, people that smell like onion or B.O. or anything nasty, feeling unmotivated, having cold toes, feeling helpless, being anxious, feeling like I like someone more than they like me, self-righteous people, arrogance, realizing that I have more weaknesses that I can ever fix by myself, being dependant on others, sweat.

There you go. Some semi-personal confessions that you may or may not be understandable and surprising.

Toodles

-Jillian