The song the seems to reflect my life.; emotions suck, but thank heavens for Imogen Heap!!

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, cus you and I were never meant to be
I think you'd better leave; it's not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.
Alright then
I can keep your number for a rainy day,
That's when its set, no mistakes no misbehaving,
I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this,
Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you're as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh now don't make it harder than it already is,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this,
Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Big trouble loosing control,
Primary resistance at a critical load,
On the double gotta get a hold,
Point of no return a second to go,
No response on any level, red alert this vessels under siege,
To a lower lever, systems failed, they've got control,
There's no way out, we are surrounded,
Give in, Give in.....
Freeze, awake here forever,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this,
Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, it's just what I don't need,
Why make me feel like this, it's definitely all your fault. Feel like this
It's all your fault

Feel like this
It's all your fault
Feel like this
It's all your fault
Feel like this
It's all your fault

Viva la Flamingo

And that my friends, is the new motto of life. I'm not sure what it means, but it makes me ridiculously happy. :-D See?

Anyway. So I'm sitting in a house in Woodinville right now. In case you don't know, that's about 15 minutes outside of Seattle. I wouldn't have known. I didn't even know how to pronounce it, I've been out of school too long.

So, our American Idol adventure so far. Basically it involves a broken muffler, 5.5 hours driving, good stories and quotes (like the one as my title), a dark foreboding highway that's covered in rain, lots of laxative-like snacks, sleep-deprivation, standing in line and listening to some horrible people sing, and some salmon. The salmon's the coolest part. I'd never had salmon until tonight, and boy, is it yummy. Sharon - the mother of the family we're staying with - cooked it with really yummy spices and brown sugar. Oh, it was good.

But Jeff's muffler broke. Like, clean off the piping. It's sad really. But we're going to try and get it fixed tomorrow. We don't even know how it happened. The guy at Shucks said it looked like somebody just sliced it from the piping.

But dude, I'm tired. So I think I'm going to call it a night and hit the sack. Tomorrow we've got a full day of sight-seeing! WOOHOO!!! I'm really psyched actually. This is my first trip to Seattle, and I'm going to make the best of it - even if me and Jeff get lost somewhere. That's what cell phones are for, right?

Toodles!

-Jillian

A wonderful reality

So I know I posted yesterday, and most of you probably haven't even read it yet, but I have to tell about a cool experiance I had today in the EOU library.

I walked in there and the buzz and static of the computers and people in there was everywhere, plus the sound of the air conditioner and everything. So I finish looking up the numbers for the book I want and start heading down the aisle. I'm going as fast as I can because I'm in 15 minute parking and I really don't want to get a ticket. I start down one of the rows of books on the main floor, just looking at the numbers as I go, when suddenly I stop. It's completely silent. The bookshelves are towering heavily, weighted down with knowledge that others have deemed important enough to pass on, almost everything a person could want to know, all within the reach of my fingertips. All I'd have to do is pull it off the shelf and curl up in a ball by the bookshelf. I would be in my own world. No sound, no computers, no air conditioning noise, no one besides me and the author's knowledge. It was like I was in a completely different world. I was no longer in the Pierce Library in La Grande, Oregon. I was a thousand miles away, learning aything I wanted to know.

I like the library. I want to go back sometime.

Hey there Deliliah

What's it like in New York City?

I'm a thousand miles away,

but girl tonight you looks so pretty

Oh yes you do

Time Square can't shine as bright as you.

I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah

Don't you worry about the distance

I'm right there if you get lonely,

give this song another listen.

Close your eyes,

listen to my voice,

it's my disguise.

I'm by your side

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

what you do to me

He there Delilah

I know times are getting hard,

but just believe me girl

someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar.

We'll have it good.

We'll have the life we knew we would.

My word is good

Hey there Delilah

I've got so much left to say.

If every simple song I wrote to you

would take your breath away

I'd write it all,

even more in love with me you'd fall.

We'd have it all

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far,

but they've got planes and trains and cars

I'd walk to you if I had no other way.

Our friends would all make fun of us

and we'll just laugh along because

we know that none of them have ever felt this way.

Delilah, I can promise you

that by the time we get through

the world will never ever be the same,

and you're to blame.

Hey there Delilah

you be good and don't you miss me.

Two more years and you'll be done with school

and I'll be making history like I do.

You'll know it's all because of you.

We can do whatever we want to.

Hey there Delilah here's to you.

This one's for you

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, its what you do to me

What you do to me

I like this song. I've decided I want to make a difference in life. Just one. It doesn't have to be big. But I hope it's for the better.

-Jillian

Safety pins are a bridesmaids best friend

It's over!! Oopah!

Well, I guess it's not completely over. We still have an open house to tackle this Saturday. Once that's over though...

I'm supposed to housesit this week at Jen and Nicks. I get to water their plants, check their mail, and drink Nick's soy milk. I'm not sure if that's necessarily a good thing. The soy milk, I mean. I've never tried soy milk, so I wouldn't even know if it's gone bad when I drink it. For all I know I'm going to be drinking sour soy milk. Can soy milk go sour? I know it can go bad.

Anyway, church was awesome today. It's awesome every Sunday, but today was pretty dang up there on the coolness scale. Kayleen gave a talk because it was her last Sunday, and she made the comment that going to church is like going to a Potluck. You bring one thing, someone brings another, and eventually you have a gigantic feast. You decide how much you want to "eat" so to speak, and the more you eat, the longer you can go while being full. Whenever you go to church, it seems like when you decide to "eat" your fill you're on a spiritual high for a long time. But when - for whatever reason - you decide you don't want to eat a lot, you get hungrier faster, meaning your spirit doesn't ride as high for as long. Which is why we go to church every Sunday. I remember reading something in a magazine a while about why you go to church, because he believed that you could get more out of personal study than you can listening to someone in front of a church. And the whole "food analogy" is why. Because everone brings something to learn and a certain strength, and without others strengths you can't be well-rounded. It reminds me of marriage. You marry someone who completes you. Someone who's opposite you, who has the strengths that you lack and your strengths are their weaknesses.

Actually, that makes me think of something interesting. I was talking with Gen and one of her friends last night and I asked her if she ever smelled her boyfriends hands and if she liked how they smelled. She said they did and her friends made the comment that the reason why you find only certain pharemons attractive is that it's your body naturally selecting the person who you would want to have children with - the person whose immune system compliments yours. In other words, your natural selection of a mate would be the person who's almost exactly opposite of you - chemically and otherwise. I thought that was really cool.

Anyway, I think that's going to be my post for now. I'm oober tired and I think I might take a nap and watch Jimmy Neutron on my laptop. Oh, for those who don't know, I got my laptop. Unfortunately, I was unknowingly decieved on what came with the laptop. I thought it had Microsoft Word and stuff on it, but it doesn't. If anyone knows where I can get that, it would be super duper cool, because I kind of need it.

Toodles everyone! Have an amazing Sunday!

-Jillian

I now have four cuts on my hands, no family, and no best friend. Wanna trade lives?

So. Ho hum. I don't know what to say exactly. All I want to do right now is sit and talk. And cry. It's hard to explain exactly, and that's the problem. It hits me randomly, in waves.

I miss Raage. A lot. And I hate myself for it. I hate that I'm constantly wondering if he's e-mailed me and how happy I am if he does and how depressed I am when I finally get to a computer and he hasn't. It's frustrating.

I just want school to start. Something to take my mind away from this summer and the mundane monotiny that has become my life. Unfortunately, when you take a large chunk out of the monotinys, life becomes really awkward. And in my case, pretty painful.

Life is dragging on, and I'm getting pulled along with it. All I want to do is complain, to vent about my issues. But who to vent to? There's the problem.

I hate the fact that I'm this selfish. I hate that all I seem to think about is myself, or when I manage to think about others, it has to do with me somehow. Can't I ever be selfless? Can't I ever not focus on my own problems?

Ironic isn't it, that this entire post is talking about me. I suppose that's what blogs are for really, the talk about ones self. Hence why the blog only belongs to one person. I suppose it sort of represents life in a way. You go about your business and sometimes people comment.

Or maybe I just need to stop thinking. Thinking seems to get me into trouble, though not quite as much trouble as feeling seems to get me into.

So what's there to do? Really, nothing. Just keep going, trucking along, trying to make out as best as I can. I don't know.

I've known for a while that I would need to become self-sufficient, and fast. Unforunately, in my rush to do so I find myself pretty much alone. So while I'm self-sufficient physically, emotionally I'm still needy. But when no one's there physically it's a bit harder to have your emotional needs met. Especially when I have pretty high maitenance emotional needs.

Oh well, I guess now is as good a time as ever to start trying. After all, no man is an island, but maybe I can try being a peninsula.

-Jillian