A patriarchal blessing contains chapters from your book of eternal possibilities

I don't know exactly why I'm blogging right now. I just feel the need to. I feel the desire to reach out to others right now, to do something.

Today has been interesting. It seems like the theme for the past few days has been that I need to read my patriarchal blessing again. And then today. Not only did Raage get his, but Josef Mielke got his also, and people talked about blessings during Sacrament meeting. And I was feeling sort of bad today, moody I guess. I'm sort of unsure of where I'm going, what I'm doing. More importantly, if what I'm doing is right. Nothing specific, just...things. Lately I've been searching for happiness is different places. My compass has been slightly off-whack.

A motto I've had for the past few years was to live life without regret. I thought I had blown that idea last year, but now, looking back on it, yeah, I wish I hadn't done some of that stuff, but it made me a better person and it's strengthened me and taught me so much. So I don't really regret it.

Now, I'm looking forward in life and see the decisions that I've made, and decisions that I have to make, and soon. I'm starting to freak out slightly. I look to my future and see things happening - good and bad - and I'm afraid of them. What if the good things don't happen? What if I do something wrong? What if I miss a prompting or move too quickly and completely ruin the plan that was laid out for me? What if all the things fall into place, and then it turns out I'm not worthy of them? Or what if what I want to happen looks like it's going to happen, but then it doesn't?

Yes, I worry a bit.

But then I realized that the more and more I put off making the decisions - like where I'm going to college and what I'm going to allow to happen with me and who I'm going to keep in contact with after college - if I put off those decisions or dwell too much on those that aren't immediately important in my life I'm going to miss out on so much. Ironically, I'll regret it, and regret is sort of the thing I'm trying to avoid.

So what is the point of this blog? I don't think there is one. I just wish time wouldn't fly by so fast and that this month would last forever. Well, minus the school part. But I guess if this time lasted forever, I'd have an infinite amount of time to do my homework in.

I love you all. I really do. Each one of you has done something in my life to help me. I'm going to miss all of you, and I'm going to enjoy the time we have left together.

So now I'm going to get off and keep fighting the urge to call Raage. I want to talk to him so badly it's not even funny. Seriously, it's been driving me insane all night. But no, instead, I'll sit here and wait for Beckah and Steven to come so we can go see Brooklyn's puppy.

Toodles!

-Jillian

p.s. Jennifer gets home in 39 days!!!!

See, I don't like the singing where it's this ugly noise coming out and their eyes look like they're about to pop out

So, I was getting all fed-up with never having anything to read because no one ever posts anymore, when I realized I hadn't posted in a week and a half.

Oh, how the hypocrite is humbled.

So here I am, typing away. A lot has happened this week. Just moments of beauty where time seems supsended, and I like it. Moments where you feel contented, like you'd be happy to stay where you are with who you're with forever.

Unfortunately, this feeling caused me to get caught a little off-guard when Solo and Ensemble turned out to be, you know, the next day. It was a good trip, except for me being severely dehydrated last night at the hotel. I think we've decided that my rash is a heat rash brought on from dehydration, because it only flares up when I'm in the sun for a long time or I'm really warm.

Anyway, getting off-topic.

About State Solo Competition. I don't understand why people like to sing operatically. Seriously. They look like they're going to hurt themselves or something. Not only do they sound like they're sharping half the time because how forced their vibratto is, but they look like they're hurting themselves. Or that their constipated.

And there was just a hurge roll of thunder outside my window. Happy!

But we left pretty much after I sang. Getting out was a lot easier than finding the college, let me tell you. We got an unoffical tour of the Salem countryside because an arrow showed us the wrong way and I was looking there instead of at the road sign. My bad. It's quite pretty though.

Anyway, that would be the highlights of the trip. It was rather uneventful. I heard MaeLee play, and she was amazing. I was like "holy frickin pooh".

I'm glad tomorrow's Sunday. I need a church pick-me-up. My dad keeps asking me if they've posted the results yet, but I don't think they even announce the scores until 7 or so. Now I get to focus on State Choir, which I am looking forward to. A lot. Even if we do fail miserably. I'm just looking forward to hanging out with everyone. Jeff, Mollie, Beckah, Raage, I'm going to be so sad when we come back and realize this is the last choir trip that I'll ever take. Hopefully we'll be able to talk Mr. Jacobson into letting us play laser-tag again. That was sweet.

I think I'm probably going to go. I have to run to Wal-Mart and drop off some music. I love you all! I wish I knew if you guys were back from Moscow yet. I'm feeling antsy, and I've missed you guys like I've been gone a week, not just a day.

See you guys later!

Toodles!

-Jillian

Reflections on Happiness

Finally! Today feels like such a beautiful wonderful yummy just-want-to-eat-it Spring Day! I've spent a large chunk of it outside, and just want to be out there still! I'm sitting at my computer, smelling the air as it blows through my screen door, and just want to be out there.

It's so nice. Life is cool. I love my friends - even those I don't get to hang out with enough. I just have this calm, serene contentment right now. I'd feel completely fine doing my homework or really anything. It's a strange mix of being laid back and anxious.

I'll admit though, I'm having a rather hard time now that I've quit Track. I've been pretty good the past few days, working on my homework. But now I've got some serious cabin fever. I really want to go outside or do something other than sit here and plunk away at my stupid Bio study guides. Go play at a park, ride a merry-go-round, have some ice cream. Oooh, that's what I want. Ice cream! And to maybe go watch the track meet or tennis practice. Hm...maybe I'll bum money off my mom, go buy a pint of Ben and Jerry's, pick up Beckah or someone, and go watch. That sounds insanely fun.

I'm just having an amazing day. Yeah, there have been some down parts, but overall, I'm just glowing. Life is good. Chocolate is good. And I'll probably hate the world tomorrow, but for now? I'll just keep smiling, and I hope you all do the same!

Toodles!

-Jillian

You don't mess with a man's leg hair...

I would like to amen that statement.

So, as I only have about twenty minutes before I need to leave for mutual and there's no way I'd be able to start one of my calculus assignments in that time, I feel no guilt in blogging about the whole Canada trip thing. Well, not much.

Anyway, Canada was gorgeous. It was so much fun too. I can't wait to get my pictures back. I want to expand more and do the thing that both Beckah and Jeff did, but I think only I would enjoy reading exactly what happened during the trip and it would mention a certain someone an embarrassing amount of times. It was good though. Really good. Things were so beautiful, and I had some amazing experiances there, such as singing in Parliment. Also, I found my best friend. Which was nice. But I really regret not hanging out with Beckah and Mollie. I wish we could have more time there so I could join in their revelries, but we can look forward to state for that. And possibly this Saturday if Mollie comes as my "date" during the day.

Speaking of, Prom is Saturday. I haven't actually been asked, but I have a sneaking suspicion I'm going. Some little curly headed bird asked if I would be interested in going with a certain someone, and I figured, what the heck, why not? (And I'm totally kidding Raage, I really don't care if you ask or not, I just enjoy teasing you.)

This week has been really stressful though. I'm so behind in my classes! Luckily though, I think Coach Lovitt likes me and now that he knows I'm a Senior he may let me off easy if I need to skip and do homework...which I might have to. And I have a Bio test tomorrow. Crap on a stick! I'm going to fail that class. No joke. But yeah, anyway, I'm really behind in that class - like, three study guides behind - and am behind two assignments in Calculus. Oh, and behind slightly in Modern Problems, but you can tell how much I care about that. Once I take that stupid test my grade will probably be an A again. And I'm going to be missing more school. Oh, joy of joys!

Oh, but speaking of, Eddie Dunlop - the casting guy for Hairspray - called and I'm supposed to go down to L.A. sometime this month for an audition in front of the producers and possibly the director. FREAKY!!! Seriously, what are the odds? I'm slightly nervous, but I'm excited to go. Not excited to miss school - again - but defintely for going down there.

Anyway, Mutual is going to start in a few minutes, and I want to change into my P.J.'s or something like that.

Love you all!

Toodles!

-Jillian

If we lived in the future, then we'd be in the past right now - Spring Break trip to Salt Lake Trip, 2006

Celebrate the 100th post!

It's official, I am a blogging nerd.

Anyway, in honor of my 100th post, I am including two incredibly awesome pictures that make me happy. The first one makes me happy, because I find Raage's fingers and hands insanely fascinating. Or at least I did this weekend. I don't know if I'll find them quite as entertaining once I start getting a normal amount of sleep, but as I don't fit into that category right now, I still like the picture. Though I'd probably still like the picture anyway, even if my obsession with his opposable appendages fades.

The second one makes me happy because it proves black is just a color. You can be pasty white and lay the rap-smack down too. Especially when using a cheesey fifties show-tune. Actually, I think that fact makes it all the cooler.

Anyway, to the real point of my post. This weekend was amazing. Words honestly cannot describe how wonderful it was. I'll admit I was slightly worried when the trip started that there would be some awkwardness or something - I have no idea why I thought that, perhaps I was on crack - but it turned out wonderfully. I wish I could have stayed down there for another week, especially since the weather had just turned warm and wonderful, and I really hated that we had to leave. I'll have so many memories of that place now, especially of it at night. I just wish that we never had to sleep! Though I regret the fact that we stayed up as late as we did now. But to why this trip was so amazing...I don't think I can adequately describe it. But it was just a growing experiance, growing closer to people and closer to Christ and Heavenly Father and closer to yourself in a way.

All I'm going to say is I hope this feeling never fades. I'm happier now than I have been in a while and I'm not even eating chocolate.

Saturday had to be my favorite day, even though all of them were awesome (Friday was a close second, and might've taken first if it weren't for the fact that I was slightly loopy from lack of Z's...and it wasn't conference, but we still did Baptisms in the Salt Lake Temple then, even if we did have to wait around for an hour or so for Nick and Troy. But even that was worth it to see Raage's face when he saw Temple Square at night. That still makes me smile. Anyway, back to Saturday...) Saturday we - meaning me and Raage - ended up listening to the first session in the lobby of the Legacy Theater in the Joseph Smith Memorial Buildling where we had seen Joseph the Revelator that day before, while Nick and Troy waited in the Stand-by line so we could all get in for the Saturday afternoon session since we missed the morning session by about 30 people.

Unfortunately for Troy and Nick, they left, leaving me and Raage - both who didn't know the whole "stand-by line rules" or something - in their stead holding the places.

To make a long story short, Raage and I ended up in the session and Nick and Troy ended up back at Troy's grandma's eating homemade chicken noodle soup and watching conference on T.V. The talks were amazing and the spirit was too...even when I was still shivering from the cold. But I have to confess the lack of sleep sort of caught up with me there and I zonked for a while. Only during the first talk and a half, until Raage nudged me and told me to take notes to stay awake, which turned to be a good strategy.

Anyway, after that awesome experiance, I headed back to the apartment to eat while the guys waited in line to get into the Priesthood session. I told them I'd meet them afterwards by the reflection pool, and I did that, after playing a rousing game of Scrabble with Troy's grandma. Actually, it was really fun, but it wasn't rousing, as I took an hour or so nap. They took a while to get out there though, which was fine because I needed to talk to Jennifer on the tape so I could send it off.

...And I'm getting really off topic, so I'll finish really quickly. We had decided we wanted to take pictures of temple square at night, but Nick and Troy petered out on us because Troy wanted to visit his cousin and Nick wanted to go with him. So Raage and I walked around Temple Square talking and taking pictures. And might I say that that place is so gorgeous at night? Like, I've been there before, but I guess I wasn't old enough to realize how amazing and awe-inspiring it was. I just hope the pictures turn out.


Sunday was almost as wonderful, what with conference and walking barefooted and lying in the grass waiting to go in and that one random lady taking a picture of me. And we can't forget that one guy who thought I was Latino and Raage was Brazilian.

But overall, the experiance was so spiritually fulfilling. It makes me want to go to conference all the time. Or go to an LDS boarding school. But mostly have conference all the time. Though I think that might dull the wonderfulness of it eventually.

And I just realized this is a ridiculously long post and that I'm insanely hungry. So I'm going to get off and go cook myself some dinner. You know, I don't think I've seen my dad since Thursday morning. And by Thursday, I mean the Thursday after school let-out. Sad huh? Right now they're all at rehersal...and I mean all at rehersal. Nick, Mom, Dad, Jessy, everyone. It's probably going to be like that a lot. I'll just cook myself dinner and start in on my bio homework.

I hope you all had amazingly wonderful Spring Breaks and are happy and grateful that we live in such a wonderful world, despite the mundaneness of it. Just keep remembering to look for the little things, like chocolate cake and trail mix! I love you all!

Toodles!

-Jillian